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Please help, feeling guilty

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
I don't know why I am obssesing about this but I am...I feel guilty b/c I allowed the DR to induce me at 37w1d. I was doing well, and the babies were doing well. The one big concern was that they shared a placenta and their weight discordance was becoming greater. They were born very healthy and only stayed in the hospital for 1 week. They are amazing nursers and have hit all milestones early, but I still have this thing in the back of my mind...I could have carried them longer. The dr said it was time and that past 37 weeks in some cases it can become toxic for twins b/c of so little room. I just feel guilty, like I allowed thr DR to do it for my own comfort or something...looking back I wonder if I should have said no. Anybody go through something similar?
post #2 of 14
I haven't been through a similar situation because I am still pregnant, but I just wanted to say you shouldn't feel guilty!! When doctors start saying things like your babies are at risk and something could happen if you don't induce, that is hard to argue with. Even if the dr. was wrong, what pregnant woman wants to take that risk, you know? I am sure we all have made decisions based on being pressured and we know regret it.

I wanted to have a totally natural birth with my son and I labored naturally for 30 hours, was even dilated to a 10 for 3 hours. But his head was still not engaged and my dr. was talking about a possible c-section. Eventually I just gave in to the pressure and got the pitocin and epidural and Gabe was born 6 hours later. Looking back I wish I hadn't taken the pitocin and had just let things take their course, but I was scared and decided to listen to the dr.

Anyway, please don't feel guilty, it sounds like things turned out wonderfully!!
post #3 of 14
I felt very torn up and upset that I 'allowed' my doctor to take the kids before labor even was remotely close to starting. I felt that way strongly for nearly a year, every time I felt nervous/inadequate about something else, I would use it to punish myself further.

And this even though I was having fluid build up around my lungs, needed to be on a constant IV feed of very strong painkillers, couldn't eat anymore due to the severe GI pain, and my body systems were starting to shut down.

I still felt guilty.

I think that this is another way to punish ourselves. It doesn't make sense. It's not good for you. It's not even true. As you said, your kiddos turned out fine. Eventually, you can learn to set your (false!) guilt aside. It's very hard to do, but please don't do as I did and allow it to poison the first year with your babies. Parenting sometimes is a gigantic series of 'coulda/woulda/shoulda's, and it can really steal your joy. You might have made a mistake, you might not've, it's not your first mistake and it sure as hell won't be your last. I think that you have to learn to forgive and go forward, use it to strengthen yourself for next time, rather than unravel your confidence and joy.
post #4 of 14
{{{{Hugs}}}} Hindsight is always 20/20. There are a LOT of things that I would do differently wrt my pregnancy, delivery & our NICU stay (which probably wouldn't have happened, had I done the things differently w/ my pregnancy & delivery) if I had it to do over again, but life doesn't have a rewind button & nothing is accomplished by worrying about what should have happened. I made decisions based on the information I had at that time. Should I have had more information? Yes. Should I have made different decisions, or "stood firm" better in some cases, Yes. But I can't go back & do it over again. I have two happy healthy little girls who are doing great & that's what matters at this point. If someone asks me for advice on some of the areas where I made bad decisions (IMO) I'll share my experience as well as what I would do differently if I could go back, so that they can, hopefully, learn from my mistakes, but nothing is accomplished by dwelling on it.
post #5 of 14

I've never been in your exact situation, but I'm no stranger to thinking "If only I'd done something differently then maybe this wouldn't have happened...."

You can't change the past. You made the best decision you could at the time, based on the information and resources you had available to you. This includes the doctor you had at the time, the relationship you had with him or her, your own fears, your level of confidence in your body at that time, etc.

Here's a wonderful line I learned from a domestic violence therapist (usually said in the context of "why didn't I leave him sooner?" but is applicable to any decision you've made.)

If you could have, you would have. If you didn't, you couldn't, so you shouldn't have.
post #6 of 14
Thread Starter 
That is a great quote...and you are all right, if I was armed with info I have now, I would have made a different decision, but based on the knowledge I had then i did the best I could...thank you for helping understand that.
post #7 of 14
I have had a couple of moments of feeling guilty about not waiting until I went into labor to have my babies (scheduled c-section at 38 weeks, 2 days due to breech twin A), but I know that if I were in the same situation again, I would make the same decision. I felt really, really, really DONE at that point. I could not imagine being pregnant for one more day.

My bestfriend had surprise mz twins this summer, and she went 10 days overdue (they never would have let her if they'd known she was having twins). The placenta was really scary looking. It was not doing well at all. Her midwife wouldn't let her eat it because she said it was just waay to funky, and could do more harm than good. The babies--while generally totally fine--had baggy skin, and the doctor said that they had most likely been losing weight inside due to the condition of the placenta. The umbilical cords were crumbly. . . a condition the midwife had never seen before. It's not just a medical myth that the placenta can start to deteriorate at 38 weeks in twin pregnancies, it's a fact. The OB that delivered my babies now delivers twin pregnancies at 37 weeks.

Don't feel guilty. You trusted your gut at the time, and it all worked out well.


post #8 of 14
It's not just a medical myth that the placenta can start to deteriorate at 38 weeks in twin pregnancies, it's a fact
Yikes, I didn't know that! Is that only talking about when twins share a placenta or even if there are 2 placentas? 38 weeks is my goal but my secret goal is to go 40 weeks. Of course I only want what is best for my babies and I want them to come at the optimal time.
post #9 of 14
I believe that it is true for twins who share a placenta and for those who each have their own. But just because the placenta(s) **can** begin to deteriorate after 38 weeks doesn't mean that it(they) will. Especially if you really eat A LOT of protein, don't eat sugar, drink lots of water and rest up at the end, you should be fine going to 40 weeks, or longer. But trust me, once you get there, your goal will just be to deliver those babies as soon as possible after 37 weeks. The last few weeks in a twin pregnancy are very, very hard, and it can be really hard to eat well and especially hard to keep your protein intake up.

I hope I didn't alarm you!

post #10 of 14
Originally Posted by nancymom
Yikes, I didn't know that! Is that only talking about when twins share a placenta or even if there are 2 placentas? 38 weeks is my goal but my secret goal is to go 40 weeks. Of course I only want what is best for my babies and I want them to come at the optimal time.
Twins mature faster in the womb than singletons do. Triplets mature even faster than twins. Nature indeed knows what she's doing, as multiples generally do not make it til 40 weeks before delivery happens.

At 42 weeks with a singleton, the risk of stillbirth begins to rapidly increase, thus the extreme pressure from most providers to get labor going by 42 weeks, assuming of course that you are working with good dates.

The risk of stillbirth begins this rapid increase at 38-39 weeks with twins. There is absolutely ZERO medical research to support allowing a twin pg to progress past 39 weeks. The risk of stillbirth is a huge concern. Also, the risk of cord compression due to the fact that they are just squished in there by that point is also a major concern.

Post-maturity, while a rare problem with multiples, is something that certainly CAN occur and should be avoided to improve the chances of two healthy babies. Most research indicates the best outcomes for twin pregnancies occur when delivery happens between 37-38 weeks. Not too soon, and not too late. Just right.

Again though, you have to have a CORRECT due date that you're going on, otherwise things are a bit more difficult. Ultrasound can be used to determine if the placenta(s) are calcified (a bad sign). Non-stress tests can be used to determine if both babies are doing well in the womb, and are believed to indicate that things should be 'ok' for at least 72 hours barring an unforseen complication like cord entanglement or abruption. Amniotic fluid levels are harder to measure with twins, although u/s can give you a general idea of what it going on with fluid levels.

I'd say at a minimum, a twin gestation should have a NST and u/s done at about 38 weeks, no later than 39 weeks, if labor does not appear to be imminent just to make sure the uterine environment is still healthy for both babies.

No way on earth would I go 40 weeks with twins, much less over 40 weeks, even if it meant induction and/or c-section. There IS a point that OUTSIDE is safer than INSIDE, no matter HOW they get out.
post #11 of 14
Thread Starter 
wow...thank you for all the responses. You have all confirmed that my thoughts, concerns, beliefs from before were indeed in the best interest of the babies.
post #12 of 14
I really have no business here but i love hearing multiple stories. I completely agree with pp don't beat yourself up you did a good job.
I did want to add on the deteriorating placenta that it is a complication that can happen at any point in the pregnancy as early as 20 wks. It is often used as a scare tactic for post term but in reality can happen anytime in any pregnancy and not much is really understood as to why it happens. The studies done on it don't often include the pre dates cases.
post #13 of 14
Ialso felt guilt about letting myself get induced with my twins. THey used the increasing (but still pretty low) death rate after 38 weeks. I went 40 weeks 1 day and agreed to induction. In hindsight I would have had them in a day or two anyway because I was having regular painless contractions every 15 minutes before being induced.
But like PP stated, even if I went back and felt the same way I would do it again. Being pregnant with twins is nearly unbearable towards the end.
But because there was no "medical emergency" to be induced, I have beat myself up over it several times.
All went well though and there were no reprocussions (still went otherwise natural despite pit for example)
But if I didnt feel guilty about this I'd just find somethign else. That is what moms often do! LOL
post #14 of 14
You can't let yourself feel guilt about what you are pressured into at 8 1/2mos pregnant with twins. I am in the same place. I had a c-s at 38 weeks with transverse/breech. I let them push me into a corner over it because I had a cerclage. If they took the cerclage out, it could start labor; if they left it in, my cervix could be ripped by spontaneous labor. Hindsight is 20/20, but when you are that pregnant with twins, you don't have the emotional fortitude to fight and argue with the so-called medical professionals. All you can do is forgive yourself and be grateful for what you do have.

What helped me to get over it was that at the same time I was having my babies, another AP multiple mom on a list I was on had her babies vaginally at 40 weeks with no drugs. I was so upset at the differences in our birth stories, until she discovered that they wouldn't nurse. I wouldn't trade my supernursers for a perfect birth story no matter what. So I counted my blessings and felt blessed that I had 2 healthy nursing babies.
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