I need help with a 10 yr old - her rude mouth

[hotmom]

please help me.
When my 10 yr old starts mouthing off in a rude nasty way, It incites such anger in me I get very angry in return, thus further teaching her how NOT to control her temper. My response to her behavior is modeling the behavior I do NOT want.
Our relationship is horrible at this point. I need help. I need tools for - controlling my own offended feelings and for teaching her how to control her rude responses.
thanks! all advice appreciated.

[PuppyFluffer]

Don't take it personally.

So much easier said than done, I know! I am not at this age yet, mine is 3, but I would imagine that it's not too much different. I think if you can not take it personal, then you can head off the reactionary response which only serves to escalate the problem and role model bad behavior to her.

What if you just calmly said "It's really difficult to listen to you when you talk like that. Can you come up with a better way to talk to me?" If she says "No" then you could say "I'd be happy to talk to you when you can calm down a little bit and speak nicer." Then walk away.

It takes 2 to argue. If you don't play the game, she can't argue.

[PuppyFluffer]

I'm chuckling because I just read your username and I wonder if you are referring to your hot-headedness!

Maybe you can picture yourself calm and cool and under control. Visualize yourself like a huge oak tree, rooted firmly in the earth with huge limbs. Your daughter's rude words are not able to sway your branches. They might ruffle your leaves just a tiny bit but they don't sway your limbs! You are empowered!

[hotmom]

Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer

I'm chuckling because I just read your username and I wonder if you are referring to your hot-headedness!

Maybe you can picture yourself calm and cool and under control. Visualize yourself like a huge oak tree, rooted firmly in the earth with huge limbs. Your daughter's rude words are not able to sway your branches. They might ruffle your leaves just a tiny bit but they don't sway your limbs! You are empowered!

wow you are good! that sounds like a visualization from hypnobirthing. I do feel empowered. If I can birth a big headed 8 pounder and keep my "cool" I should be able to withstand a little "lip" eh?
I guess the thing is it sets off something so ingrained in me from childhood. "Talking back/talking rudely" is just like blowing up your parents! you just do NOT do it, ever. And if you did... you would have gotten smacked in the mouth. I never would have been so rude, but I was raised with the fear of the belt. I knew my parents loved me, I felt loved but I also accepted that if I was "naughty" I'd be spanked.
What's odd is I WISH my kids would act as cooperative as my siblings and I did but I would Never ever want to do the things that got us to behave that way. I know spanking works, I know it creates a "obediant" child- one with hateful thoughts.. but robotic and obediant none the less. I don't really want that, I just want a little respect.

[Skrimpy]

Originally Posted by hotmom

please help me.
Our relationship is horrible at this point. I need help. I need tools for - controlling my own offended feelings and for teaching her how to control her rude responses.

I think PuppyFluffer had a great idea to visualize when you get angry. I'm trying to work on my own quick-to-rise temper right now (mine with a 2 year old who is all about "no" :LOL ) and that sounds like a great suggestion.

I think that "our relationship is horrible at this point" might be a key for you. If you feel like this, you can probably assume that she feels like this. And thus her general attitude and mouthing off. I think I would start with PF's advice and just cool off when she mouths off - take it with a grain of salt. Tell her she doesn't have the right to speak to you that way (but I wouldn't send her away or anything, I don't like the thought of isolating kids from me who are having trouble dealing with their emotions, I feel like I'm here to help them learn to deal with them) and that you're human too. Then just be patient.

But after that, i.e., when she's not mouthing off, make concious attempts to be with her. "Fellowship" with her for lack of a better term coming to my sleepy mind. Does she enjoy helping you with something particular (cooking, looking through magazines with you, etc.)? Invite her to do those things with you. Even if it inconviniences you. Maybe make an effort to take her places she enjoys going with you, to the store or to the park. Does she enjoy being read aloud to still? Get some good age-appropriate books (maybe even ones you loved as a girl!) and read a chapter aloud with her (one of my favorite things to do with my mother for the longest time). Anything you can think of, teaching her a craft you do that she's expressed interest in, watching her sport games with genuine interest, anything.

She'll probably be wary of you at first since it does sound like your relationship is strained. But as she sees that you are expressing pleasure in her and involving her with you, you might find that your relationship improves. The two of you will grow closer, and hopefully, the mouthing off will decrease or even stop. It sounds like the rocky relationship is the root of the problem and therefore what really needs to be treated. *hugs*

[AuntRayRay]

Originally Posted by hotmom

please help me.
When my 10 yr old starts mouthing off in a rude nasty way, It incites such anger in me I get very angry in return, thus further teaching her how NOT to control her temper. My response to her behavior is modeling the behavior I do NOT want.
Our relationship is horrible at this point. I need help. I need tools for - controlling my own offended feelings and for teaching her how to control her rude responses.
thanks! all advice appreciated.

Hi ..
just wanted to say you're not alone...I'm dealing with this too with my 9yr DS. Its so hard when you decide you don't want to act like this anymore and you say,"Ok I'm going to be calm....I'm not going to get angry and say or do something I'll regret later, but you just end up there! : Very aggrivating. I think it takes practice and I like PF's ideas...especially the tree visualization


RayRay

[The4OfUs]

ITA with the PP...you have to become teflon and let it all roll right off you...they do it exactly for the effect it gets, making you mad...

I'm on an Anthony Wolf kick right now :LOL , so I'll paraphrase his sentiment on it: If you want less back talk, you have to give less reaction. It probably wont stop entirely, but if you keep reacting, she'll keep doing it to engage you. The bigger the reaction, the more it will happen. If you really feel like you need to address it, you need to do it later in the day when it's not the issue at hand, and tell her that it's not OK for you to talk to her that way, and it's not OK for her to taklto you that way...then maybe see if you can come up with a signal or keyword, or some other solution to help you both avoid it - but you can only do that when you both are calm, not in the heat of the moment...the mutual problem solving is something else I picked up here that I love and will definitely be implementing when DS is old enough.

Granted, this is all conjecture for me as my DS is only 20 months old, but I believe it is valid. I'm already startign to have to put on my teflon suit when I get the hitting and temper tantrums and "NO!", so I figure it's just practice for the future!