How do we handle our 3-year-old hurting us in public?

[mamasaurus]

In public - I don't necessarily mean with other people around - I mean away from our house in general.

An issue we are having with our 3-year-old is hurting our baby, myself or DH, by biting, kicking, pushing, whatever. Common, I know.

If she hurts us at home, we ask her to go be in another part of the house for a while until she can be nice to us again. If she refuses, then we say that we are going to go somewhere else for a while. And we leave the room. She usually gets very upset to lose her playmates, but we tell her that we don't like to be hurt by her, and if she is going to be hurtful, then we need to go be somewhere else for a while until she is ready to be nice again.

Now, here's the rub - we can't figure out what to do when we are out! Like at the grocery store, shopping, in a restaurant, playground, beach, etc. Anywhere but home. If she is being hurtful, we can't exactly say, "Please go somewhere else," or "We will go somewhere else," because it just isn't practical. We are out in public and we have to stick together.

Any ideas what we can do about this kind of behavior when we are away from the house?

And I have to say, I'm not too interested in the idea that, "If you behave this way, we have to leave." Because sometimes that is not practical, either. I need something I can do right where we are, without having to leave. Need some creative ideas!

I'm also open to the idea that maybe what we are doing (asking her to go to a different part of the house, or us going to a different part of the house) is not the right thing at home, either. So if you have another/better/different suggestion for what to do when a child hurts another family member, please share it! I'm trying to avoid time-outs, by the way, and some people have told me that I'm basically doing a time-out by doing this. But I can't think of another natural/logical consequence other than if she hurts people, they are not going to want to be around her.

Oh, we also ask her to make the person feel better, by rubbing the part that she hurt (like baby's arm), kissing them, giving hugs, saying I'm sorry, and talking about not doing it again.

[addiesmom]

Ohhhh - can I sympathize (see post "Helping 3 yo and her new brother)! But unfortunately do not have any suggestions for you, just wanted to share a hug. My daughter is doing the same thing, and I know it is soooo frustrating for all involved. I have found myself doing the same thing at home as you are doing. I would have her go to her room to "take some time to calm down", but she is usually so mad that she just comes right out and we are right back where we started. Just last week, I started going to another part of the house where she can't be (this means locking the bathroom or bedroom door to take a shower/reading her brother a book) and she gets very upset because, as you said, I have removed her playmate - me. I don't necessarily like it either, but right now that seems to be a consequence she responds to since she is pretty high-needs (rarely any independent play from this gal). When I/we come out from the room, she is all apologies and says that she will not hurt anymore - and she doesn't, for a while. Out in public - no clue. Read my post about the Ball Jar. We have been doing it for about 3 weeks, and I can't say with any conviction that I believe it is working yet as a motivator to stop the aggression. I am hoping that with more time it will. So for now.... :

[beccaboomom]

Can you just tell her to stop it. With my kids, I generally stopped their hand before it reached me and looked them straight in the eye and said in a firm voice, we don't hit each other. That was all it usually took.

[addiesmom]

That was the first thing I tried - physically stopping her hand and telling her to stop. Boy did she get PO'd. She would start hitting even more, which is when I moved to gently holding her hands and telling her that we do not hit in this household and I would have to hold her hands till she could stop hitting. She would just BLOW! Very spirited girl - I think she would take it as a challenge, and it made the whole situation worse.

Sorry for jacking your thread....

[MsMoMpls]

I like just stopping- when kids are acting up away from home we just stop moving. Especially for melt downs. Get down to eye level and just talk about what is coming next. "When you are ready, we can go back to shopping, etc." It works wonders, when I remember to use it. It is hard because their worst behavior happens when we are in a hurry. Honestly if you get good at this one, it works really well when they are 5-6-7 and even into teen years because they hate not moving, teenagers particularly hate it if they think people will think you look weird just standing there. After awhile, you don't even have to say anything, just stop and they know you are waiting for them. I have also used it often in the car when behavior was out of control. Just silently pull over and wait. The kids know right away that if they want you to get moving again, they better settle down.

[**guest**]

dd sometimes hurts dh in public. it is 100% related to being misunderstood and frustrated. sometimes it is very subtle. we told her that we were going to stop at a coffee shop for a bagel, and then hop into a book store. to her it means that we violate our promise, i think. she gets tense because she thinks we have forgotten. all i need to do to explain to her that we WILL get the bagel, a bit later.

i find that this also happens after several minor frustrations were dealt with, quite well. she will tolerate many minor (in my mind) frustrations and disappointments, and then something esle will make her overwhelmed. i do not always see these minor problems right away, but in retrospect, i always do, so i try to be more aware of 'her world'.

like the other day we were at a science center and i got her tomato juice instead of apple. she said she wanted apple, and asked for it nicely. i explained to her that we need to cut down on sweet juices. she said, okay, then don't ge me my own tomato juice, i will drink from yours. sure. she was so mature about it. then 1 hour later a total meltdown. i mean it was not only the juice, but some other minor things as well, as well as the over stimulation. if dh was with us, she would have hit him for sure :LOL

so the moment she hurts him i try to figure out what is wrong. the first thing i tell her is that she needs to try to use her words to explain to us what is wrong. i validate that i know it is hard for her to find the words when she is so frustrated, but it would help us to help her.

she is actually getting better at expressing her frustrations verbally. she is doing such a great job -- i can see how hard it is for her, and she makes a huge effort.

if she still is too frustrated and overwhelmed, i offer choices, my best ideas of what went wrong. and offer suggestions on how we can remedy the situation.

i do the same thing at home as well, most of the time. dh tells her that if she hits him, he won't do X (like she hits him while he is reading to her, and he says that he won't read anymore). i am not too fond of this conditional approach, but again, it is not me who is being hurt.

the bottom line is -- there always is a reason. this is why asking to stop does not work. for them it is a physical communication, the same as words for us. and we are basically telling them to stop communicating their frustrations, when they need to communicate them the most -- they are so overwhelmed already.

it is the same as when you (i :LOL ) talk to dh and try to convince him of something, and he is not getting it, i sometimes just want to shake him! :LOL i'd prefer he tried to understand, or helped me to explain it better, rather than tell me to stop trying, kwim?

[moondiapers]

[QUOTE=annabanana]i do the same thing at home as well, most of the time. dh tells her that if she hits him, he won't do X (like she hits him while he is reading to her, and he says that he won't read anymore). i am not too fond of this conditional approach, but again, it is not me who is being hurt.[QUOTE]


This is a good example of a natural consequence. If you hurt someone that is trying to help you or do something for you, they won't want to do it anymore.