Lesbians who have been married to or in relationships with men

[2happymamas]

I have been thinking about this lately and it has got me wondering....do you find that you are nicer to women partners than men? Or that you are willing to do things for them that you would never consider doing for a man.

For example, I lived with a man (T) for several years before meeting DW. I would have never in a million years made him lunch to take to work. Would not have..he can make his own damn lunch. However, I happily make lunch for DW every day to take to work. I like doing it.

When DW's car needs an oil change, I give her my car for the day and take hers. And it comes home not only with an oil change but also with a full tank of gas, car wash, interior vacuumed, and windows cleaned. T could go take his car and get the oil changed.

With T, I would never clean the house. Now with DW, I clean house. I spend the 1/2 before she gets home from work straightening up. I would rarely cook dinner for T. I probably cook 5-6 nights per week now and she does the dishes.

This even goes into parenting. With T, I swore that I would never stay home with kids. I was not willing to give up my career for him. Now I cannot wait to be a SAHM and would not have it any other way. I look at parenting so much differently now. Had I remained with T, I really think I would have been extremely mainstream in my parenting.

I think all of this could be b/c T would not do anything to help me out. Not get an oil change, make my lunch, help clean house, do dishes, or cook. DW is more than willing to do all of those things.

Do you think that it is different for women in relationships with other women in terms of things they are willing and like to do for each other? Or is it relationship specific? Such as, DP respects me and I want to do these things or DP does not respect me and there is no way in hell I am doing any of it? Did your views change about what you would do after entering into a relationship with another woman? Or do you do special things b/c of finally finding that special person? I think it is b/c of the special person and you wanna make them happy.

[Faerieshadow]

I personally think it is a combination of the reciprocation of "doing things" for one another as well as finding that person you truly care for. When you really care about someone, you think of the little things that would make them happy. And you do those things, not because they can't do it, but because you like to see the genuine smile on their face when you do that little thing. I think that the reciprocation is a big part of it, though, because if you in turn don't feel that you ever see that "special" treatment in return, the want to do for the other person will slowly disappear.

[2happymamas]

Originally Posted by Faerieshadow

I personally think it is a combination of the reciprocation of "doing things" for one another as well as finding that person you truly care for. When you really care about someone, you think of the little things that would make them happy. And you do those things, not because they can't do it, but because you like to see the genuine smile on their face when you do that little thing. I think that the reciprocation is a big part of it, though, because if you in turn don't feel that you ever see that "special" treatment in return, the want to do for the other person will slowly disappear.

That is exactly what I believe. I was with a group of friends recently and this topic came up. Almost all the women in same-sex relationships indicated that they do things for female partners that they would have never done for a man. I said that while I never did these things for a man, I thought it was b/c I had finally met the person of my dreams. Not all, but the majority of the women said they would do those things for any woman, not only b/c she was "The One." For some reason, this really got to me....



BTW Faerieshadow, you have a beautiful family!

[canadianchick]

Originally Posted by Faerieshadow

I personally think it is a combination of the reciprocation of "doing things" for one another as well as finding that person you truly care for. When you really care about someone, you think of the little things that would make them happy. And you do those things, not because they can't do it, but because you like to see the genuine smile on their face when you do that little thing. I think that the reciprocation is a big part of it, though, because if you in turn don't feel that you ever see that "special" treatment in return, the want to do for the other person will slowly disappear.

: I totally agree...

[mamarhu]

It's very much the same for me, although I am way single these days. For me, it was also a man's expectations, versus a woman's apprciation. And a power issue: my relationships with women have been more equalitarian, so I never felt pushed into doing those things.

[max_4477]

I wouldn't describe my experiences as an adult that way, exactly. As a young person, in some of my early relationships, I would say I let women "get away with" stuff (that was not okay) I never would have let slide with a man. But as an adult, while I have acted differently with male partners than female, I see the difference in behaviours more based in the sexism of society (and our internalised sexism) than in "niceness." I mean, isn't it "nice" to help a man be less sexist or free himself from gender roles he felt crammed into, in the long run? I have seen myself interested in being a SAHP with a female partner when with a male partner that probably would never have happened. But for me, that's more about our roles in society and the family, and the different measures I feel I have to go to in different types of relationships to feel okay with how egalitarian things are.