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Children at weddings... Your thoughts - Page 3

post #41 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamameg
Ummmm.... why not? If a couple is paying for their own wedding and the day they have dreamed of and planned for requires they put a limit on the guest list, why is that so awful?
Because only the vows are for the couple, the wedding and *optional* celebration afterward are for the families.

That said, it is a sad fact of society today that most people *expect* a huge shindig for a wedding and will be whiny about not getting one when they come.

Ideally, people should figure out who they're inviting and then plan the reception around what they can afford for that many people. Having a super-formal intimate dinner party with the spiffy new dishes and silverware sometime after the wedding (maybe also show the (PG) honeymoon pictures?) would then be a nice way to get the "everything has to be perfect, perfect, perfect" syndrome out of the way.
post #42 of 167
I can't imagine a wedding without kids. We do have friends who had a black-tie wedding at midnight on New Years in a very swank hotel. They still invited kids though and arranged for a playroom/sleeping area in the attached room.
post #43 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom
i don't really care if one starts out married life thinking in terms of limiting close family members because of $$. I did get a 'Greenbacks Only, Please' shower invite, too. I sent a check and my regrets. it's about all I can manage without calling attention to myself. :LOL If those are their values, ok. I just don't feel like celebrating that shallowness. I've known these folks for 20 yrs, and like I said, i give this marraige 2 yrs, tops. I' m being generous.

Like I said, I'll have strep throat that day.
Well okay, I can certainly understand not wanting to celebrate a marriage that you have so little faith in. It's probably just as well for everyone that you not go.
post #44 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan
That said, it is a sad fact of society today that most people *expect* a huge shindig for a wedding and will be whiny about not getting one when they come.

Ideally, people should figure out who they're inviting and then plan the reception around what they can afford for that many people. Having a super-formal intimate dinner party with the spiffy new dishes and silverware sometime after the wedding (maybe also show the (PG) honeymoon pictures?) would then be a nice way to get the "everything has to be perfect, perfect, perfect" syndrome out of the way.
I actually have the opposite feelings about people's expectations of weddings. A lot of people I know much prefer a smaller, less formal affair, where they actually get to interact with the couple and feel like they are part of the day. But that's neither here nor there, I guess.

And I guess I agree that the guest list should be a major factor in how the couple plans their wedding, but it should be a list of people THEY want there, not the list of people everyone else wants there. And if they don't want kids, I don't see why other people get so ruffled up about it. But that's just me.
post #45 of 167
one of my closest friends had` her wedding for adults and children over age 17 only.

we chose to not attend. I don't understand excluding children from weddings at all. excluding the elderly or persons with disabilities would be unthinkable. just as they need 'special accomodations' (wheelchair ramps, whatever), so do little people (soundproof playrooms , etc)

my dh was shocked that people would actually consider excluding children from a wedding - its pretty much unheard of in mexico (at least where he grew up) but then, they are extremely family-oriented, while here we are more self-oriented.
post #46 of 167
Well I guess I have outdated ideas about weddings.

I believe weddings are about creating community. They are about calling your loved ones together to support you and bear witness for you as you take sacred vows.. they are about joining two families and making them one... You are obligated to YOUR GUESTS, not vice-versa. The fact that you are paying for it doesn't mean you have no obligation to see to the comfort of your guests.

Excluding children is NOT in keeping with this.

Now, I understand this sacred tradition is vanishing, like so many others.
Now, most weddings are just consumerism and status, with couples wanting to showcase themselves in some perfect fantasy day, and guests are treated like theater audiences or window dressing instead of loved ones and participants in a sacred rite.

Of course many people who buy into the above would exlude children.
What, have crying ruin the picture post-card perfection?

We have totally lost our sense of what weddings are about.

That said.. I don't make a big deal out of it.
If my child isn't invited, I send regrets and a token gift.
I really don't like to go to "showcase" weddings anyway.
I prefer warm, welcoming, embracing, joyful ones that create community and include all loved ones.

Thankfully, my family and small circle of friends don't do the perfect showcase thing.

Our rites of passage have totally lost their sacredness.
Excluding children from bearing witness to the turning of the wheel is a glaring sign of that.
post #47 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
Well I guess I have outdated ideas about weddings.

I believe weddings are about creating community. They are about calling your loved ones together to support you and bear witness for you as you take sacred vows.. they are about joining two families and making them one... You are obligated to YOUR GUESTS, not vice-versa. The fact that you are paying for it doesn't mean you have no obligation to see to the comfort of your guests.

Excluding children is NOT in keeping with this.

Now, I understand this sacred tradition is vanishing, like so many others.
Now, most weddings are just consumerism and status, with couples wanting to showcase themselves in some perfect fantasy day, and guests are treated like theater audiences or window dressing instead of loved ones and participants in a sacred rite.

Of course many people who buy into the above would exlude children.
What, have crying ruin the picture post-card perfection?

We have totally lost our sense of what weddings are about.

That said.. I don't make a big deal out of it.
If my child isn't invited, I send regrets and a token gift.
I really don't like to go to "showcase" weddings anyway.
I prefer warm, welcoming, embracing, joyful ones that create community and include all loved ones.

Thankfully, my family and small circle of friends don't do the perfect showcase thing.

Our rites of passage have totally lost their sacredness.
Excluding children from bearing witness to the turning of the wheel is a glaring sign of that.
:
post #48 of 167
I don't think it's fair to try to pass your opinion of what a wedding is onto other people's weddings. If you think it should include everyone, then in your wedding, invite everyone. It's not fair to judge other people who chose not to invite kids, saying they're wrong. I think people should make their wedding what they want to it be, not what other people expect, or demand of them.
post #49 of 167
I have to say I also agree with what this PP said. We all have ideas of what our perfect wedding would be. For my wedding, it was at a lovely catering hall and was pretty upscale, and while I would not have minded the ring bearer and flower girl being there I know that at that point in my life ( pre children) I would not have wanted tons of kids running around. Add to the fact that it cost us $75 a plate it would have made things much more expensive for us. If someone was breastfeeding an infant, of course they need to either be at the wedding, or say in a room ( which I would not have minded paying for) if your affair was held at a hotel. So I think if your invited to a wedding and kids are not asked to come as well you need to make the choice to either respect the wishes of the bride ( as I did at my brother wedding) or not go.
post #50 of 167
People can indeed have whatever kind of wedding they want.
But yeah, I am going to pass judgement, in that I am going to decide whether I want to go or not. I am very careful where I invest my time and energy.. AND my money.

And I am not interested in being someone's window dressing for their fantasy showcase. Especially if they want me to pay for a babysitter. Not interested in being part of that.

I am very happy to share joy and participate in a meaningful rite of passage, with family and loved ones.

I guess I also don't get the whole "dreaming of the perfect wedding day" thing.
It is about the MARRIAGE, not some play-fantasy and pretty dress.
It is about sacred vows, not place settings.

I think people's priorities are waaaay off when it comes to weddings.
They care more about whether a baby ruins their fantasy day then they do about family ties and community.
And yes, I judge this. I judge that anyone who feels this way does not share my values. And I choose not to participate in their production, which is MY right.
post #51 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamameg
Ummmm.... why not? If a couple is paying for their own wedding and the day they have dreamed of and planned for requires they put a limit on the guest list, why is that so awful?
Because they should decide who they want to have at the wedding, and then throw the kind of party they can afford for that number of people - rather than deciding how fancy they want the party to be, and then paring down the number of their friends and family until it fits.
post #52 of 167
No one ever said a mother is required to attend a wedding without her baby. I think mutual respect is required. The bride and groom must respect the mother's right to decide what's right for her and her baby, but the mother needs to respect the bride and groom's right to invite whomever they want, and plan accordingly. I guess I just don't see why either side needs to be so darn hostile about it.
post #53 of 167
So, what I am hearing from you Asherah, in short, is that if you are invited to a wedding and the hosts do not plan the wedding / invite people according to how YOU would like it, you won't attend? I mean it's your choice, but wow, that seems harsh to me. JMO.
post #54 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetest
A few months ago one of our neighbors came over to tell us he and his live in girlfriend were getting married and he wanted to make sure he had our name and address right for the invitation. I specifically asked him "Thank you so much for inviting us, Should we make plans for a sitter or will it be appropriate to bring dd with us?" He said - "oh shes just little, she would be welcome!" (dd is 2) He even addressed the invitaiton with my name, dh's name and dds name - thre was no mistake that she was invited.

We get there and its a very formal,intimate wedding. : I went outside with dd during the whole service and after that it was still very quiet and we told dd "this is a quiet party, we have to use our quiet voice" She said "I CANT" :LOL - We grabbed her and ran out of there. The other neighbors we were sitting with realized that we were gone and guessed what had happened. We didnt even get a canape. :LOL

I wish he would had just been honest with me and said it was going to be very formal. I even made a point to sound like we would get a sitter (we would have not gone).

If you want a black tie, long white table cloth type of wedding, fine. Its much better to say that upfront than to invite people you know have children and tell them children are welcome and then have the parents try to "make the baby behave".

Well, they should have warned you, that is for sure.
post #55 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamameg
I think it is totally up to the bride and groom to have what ever sort of wedding they want. And if they don't want children there, I think that's fine. Not every event in life has to include the kids. I think it's perfectly fine to say "adults only", whatever the motivation.

But I also agree that then the bride and groom shouldn't get upset when people whith children decline the invite if they can't bring the kids along.

ETA: Am I the only one around here who longs for an adult only event? :LOL Don't get me wrong, I my kids, but as a SAHM, I crave adult interaction! Maybe it's becuase we still don't have a sitter and have been out without the kids TWICE in 1.5 years, but I'd personally love to be invited to a adults only event right about now!

I am with you. I think "adults only" events are just fine. I also crave adult interaction.

I do not think that makes me, or anyone else a bad mother if they do not want to be with their child 24/7/365.

We had children in and at our wedding. But that was OUR choice. Other couples should get to have their choices. I also think the lack of parenting in this day and age, where people do not teach their children how to behave properly, is the reason behind this "adults only" thing.
post #56 of 167
Actually, I WAS forced to attend two weddings in one summer without my infant ds, who was nursing every 1-2 hours. Both my brothers got married in the same summer and children, including their only nephew (my ds, who was 5 months old) were not invited (the brides' decisions). I was in the wedding party and it was either be part of the wedding, without ds, or not go and lose a relationship with my brothers. I found all this out while I was pregnant and was absolutely devastated. One SIL was more flexible and ds was allowed to attend showers, rehearsals, dinners, etc, but not the ceremony or party afterward. The other SIL said no kids at ANY part. My parents finally stood up to her and told her she was being unreasonable and ds was finally allowed at the shower (which I couldn't go to anyway because ds was in hospital) and the rehearsal.

What angered me was that the one SIL (no kids of her own), told me that ds might wean himself by her wedding and if not, then I should just give him a bottle. I ended up pumping and giving ds the only few pumped bottles of his life. I am still resentful. Luckily, both receptions (not the ceremonies) were at places where my MIL could stay in a hotel room with him close by and I could run back to him occasionally, but not often enough to avoid the bottle, during the ceremony when I was far away for instance.

Now I can understand that some people can exclude children (not that I agree with it), but not a breastfeeding infant when the parents are part of the wedding.
post #57 of 167
A good host/hostess tends to the guests.
post #58 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pen
A good host/hostess tends to the guests.

I am not sure what you mean by that. But, a good guest politely declines when the circumstances of the invitation and event are not suited or convenient for them. A good guest also does not bring uninvited guests with him/her. And a good guest does not whine and try to get their way.
post #59 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli
No, of course you wouldn't write it, you simply would not invite Uncle Harry.
But would it be ok to invite Aunt Sally, his wife?
post #60 of 167
Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom
We just got an invite to a *family* wedding where no 'children' under 21 are invited. ;-) Which means all the older cousins, except my older, adult-looking, but 16.5 yr old child is not invited. It's all about how much $ per plate, which is no way to start a life. I give this marraige two years, tops, anyway.

I am going to have strep throat that day. Maybe even avian flu.
Uh, I paid for my wedding myself, so you betcha that it was about the $$$. And it was a fine and affordable way to start my new life.
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