Parenting With Love and Logic? - Page 13

[gaialice]

Hi Wendi,
Yes, there is a book "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen.
You can take a look at it from Amazon and see if you'd like to read it
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846
To answer your question about boundaries, most of my issues with my kids occur about things that they very well know they should not be doing. The certainly do know that they are crossing a boundary by making messes or calling names. They must have been told countless times. But they still do these annoying things... So saying once more, "dd you spilled your milk and did not want to clean and this is causing me extra work and it does not seem fair to me", (although I do say that also) becomes boring .... so I try to spice it up by being more playful "uuuhhh no cleaning ahahah mommy monster's coming to eat you now".. and maybe after some chasing round by mommy monster, dd will clean her mess....
However to clarify, playing as Cohen defines it in his book is not only about jokes but is also and most of all about establishing a connection with the children. A wise mommy on this forum advised me to try "looking deeply into dd's eyes" (again something from Cohen's book) when she starts asking for the impossible (a common problem at our house). I haven't tried yet but I will. She calls this "mind melting"...

[leomom]

Just wanted to come back and say that I read L&L for Early Childhood as one of the early posters suggested. I had just read Unconditional Parenting before it, and I have to say that I didn't see any conflicts with it and the L&L for early childhood...

Maybe I read it wrong?!?

Anyway, FWIW, I think there are lots of really valuable tools in this book. Some of the examples that have been focused on here are not the main focus of the book.

What I got out of it was that these things are important:

1. Give your child choices as much as possible
2. Always be sincere- never sarcastic or cold
3. Always be loving and never cruel
4. Let your child try to solve their own problems, but be there to offer suggestions when they want them
5. ALWAYS hug and let your child know that you love them unconditionally

Anyway, I thought it made a lot of sense. Did I agree with everything in the book? No. I never do. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with a phrase like "uh-oh" or "oh that is so sad". DD says Uh-oh when she drops toys, etc. so I just don't think that would work. That is so sad doesn't work for me because most of the things I wish dd wouldn't do (like throw her food on the floor) don't make me sad. So I wouldn't be able to be sincere. Instead, I've chosen to use the phrase, "oh that's too bad." It just feels more natural to me.

I'm off to read Playful Parenting now. I just wanted to touch base after reading this one...

[kakies]

[nurtureyourbabies]

I just wanted to add my 2 cents. I follow my natural mothering instincts. Sometimes I wonder if a lot of mainstream moms have lost this. We smother ourselves in books, "professionals", tv shows for goodness sakes that we forget who are the experts on our children. THE PARENTS! I admit that I refer to books on occasion, namely Natural Family Living, but I never take their word over my instinct. I just fail to see how lying and/or manipulating your kids is following your instinct.
By instinct I mean your natural mothering feelings. I don't vax DD. I did ALL the reasearch, talked it over with DH and the Dr. When it comes down to it, it just goes against my instinct. I don't hit my child b/c it goes against my mothering instinct. How does that teach my child anything? We co-sleep, b/c we LOVE it! I BF with child-lead weaning, duh! And no epi for me, birth is the ultimate empowerment we need to be mothers, how dare I try to "dull" that!
I come into contact with so many moms that are so confused. They want their kids to be adults and teach them adult lessons. My DH's 18 yr old brother has lived with us for 2 yrs. Let me tell you, even at that age he is still learning how to be a responsible adult. Why are we trying to teach 4 yr olds that paint costs money? I had an encounter with a mom who was frustrated and dissapointed that her 2 yr old was not yet potty trained. She said "it's just that this is the last thing he has to learn to be a real person, to potty on his own." I was so confused by this. She is also the same mom that was thinking of CIO with her 7 wk old and had turned off the monitor and walked outside b/c she couldn't stand it anymore when using CIO with her DS. I'm not saying anyone here does any of these things, just making a point.
I have said it before and I will say it again. These "problems" - potty training, not sleeping thru the night, coloring on the walls - are stepping stones we deal with on the road of mothering, these acts in themseleves does not comprise mothering nor should we judge our children on what kind of people the will be (ie graffiti artists) by age appropriate behavior.

[moonpie's_mama]

another good book...

... is 'unconditional parenting' by alfie kohn. it has some stuff about how praise is bad, which i sort of get but i think it can be taken to the extreme. but otherwise i loved and agreed with everything the author talks about.

it's all about respecting our children as people with feelings and opinions that matter, and about not using "love withdrawal" to punish them. it's awesome, my husband and i love the book.

[irinam]

Wonderfull post Nurtureyourbabies! I have to agree that we sometimes get overly "technical" if you will when all we really need is to listen to our heart

[leomom]

I agree, nurtureyourbabies, but those of us who had a less than ap upbringing and a really rocky childhood sometimes don't have those natural ap instincts, or at least they can be hard to hear.

I guess I should just speak for myself, but I read lots of books b/c I am trying to break some unhealthy patterns in my family and it can be a real challenge. I guess the books help me keep it at the forefront of my mind and remind me why I'm doing what I do. And I really have no real life ap friends...I didn't even know what ap was until I stumbled here.

In fact, I'm embarressed to say that before I had dd, I didn't see anything wrong with spanking. Now, of course, I do. I would never spank. But, the books I read help me feel confident and stand up for my beliefs when no one around me is doing what I am. For instance, people are always questioning me about vaxing and when I just give them my opinions, they argue and act like I'm crazy. But when I am armed with statistics, etc. that I get from the books I read, they listen more.

The same goes for AP parenting techniques. Since the books explain things in a really clear way, it is easier for me to explain things to my friends, and I am more likely to make a difference in their parenting styles, too. Does that make sense?

Also, ITA about trying to make kids grow up too fast. Have you read L&L? I think some things have been taken way out of context, at least the way I read it they have. It doesn't suggest teaching kids the cost of paint at an early age, or punishing, withholding love, etc. Honestly, I read Unconditional Parenting right before reading this book and I don't see conflicts between to two. I think it just depends on how you read it, I guess. Anyway, that's just my opinion, but I wonder if you might see more of what I mean if you read the book. Then again, you may have already read it and just read it differently than me.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by leomom

I agree, nurtureyourbabies, but those of us who had a less than ap upbringing and a really rocky childhood sometimes don't have those natural ap instincts, or at least they can be hard to hear.

I guess I should just speak for myself, but I read lots of books b/c I am trying to break some unhealthy patterns in my family and it can be a real challenge. I guess the books help me keep it at the forefront of my mind and remind me why I'm doing what I do.

I'm right here with you, leomom! My instincts are present when my babies are little, I can tell I shouldn't let them cry by the way my blood pressure goes up when they do. But when my dd got to be a toddler, my instinct, or at least my reflex, was to control her, scold her, get her "straightened out". My sister seems to have the ap instincts, though, and we were raised in the same family. I'm thankful people have written about this stuff and that there's MDC to help me out!

[nurtureyourbabies]

Less than AP upbringing?? I'll give you less than AP upbringing. I was SPANKED, hard, really hard, like leaves raised hand prints all the way up and down both legs. Never have I ever felt unconditional love from my parents. We were constantly being told to "grow up" and "deal with it". Even during the most traumatic events in my life (my moms' breast cancer, the death of close friends and/or family members, even when I was sexually assualted) I was never held and craddled and loved. I hate to burst the bubble of your argument, but my upbringing was pretty much the OPPOSITE of AP.
I DO agree that it is most surely harder. I challenge myself everyday to be the parent I wish I would have had. I learned unconditional love from my DH. I also learned that all of those things I never got from my parents isn't my fault and as an adult now I have the responsibility to figure it all out on my own. I have forgiven them in my own heart and way lowered my expectations of them. That's why I value this board so much. Different oppinions, ideas, lifestyles. But we all have the same goal, to love our kids and do what is best for them. I know I'm not anywhere near the perfect mom and someday my daughter will be analyzing our relationship and my mothering style to develop her own. That's fine, I hope she learns from my mistakes.
As far as instincts go, I guess it means something different to everyone. Of course I read books and reasearch, it would be irresponsible not to. However, I don't do it so that I can defend my parenting choices to my parents/family members/friends. I don't need to. I am completely comfortable with my choices, if they don't like it or think I am ignorant, fine. I could really care less. I will admit it has taken me sometime to get here, but I will also admit it feels great. I have the love and support of DH who is amazingly trusting. We both follow our parenting instincts and it is a beautiful thing.

[leomom]

Originally Posted by nurtureyourbabies

That's why I value this board so much. Different oppinions, ideas, lifestyles. But we all have the same goal, to love our kids and do what is best for them.

ITA!

[nurtureyourbabies]

[Niamh]

subbing cause i'm only on the first page and already hooked!