New to gentle discipline

[afishwithabike]

I understand the concept behind gentle discipline is to avoid spanking, shouting, and disciplining out of anger. I am a little new to some of this and would like assistance or a good book. My DD is 16 mo old and we are entering the independent phase where she wants to do it ALL. Including boycott diaper time. She likes to kick me when I am changing her. Is this a sign of wanting to be potty trained or is it a thing where I just need to be patient with her.

I was physically abused by my dad because he was one to punish out of anger. A few bloody noses and a crack in my skull that will NEVER heal are huge reminders of why patience is sooo important. I DO NOT want to become that.

Please help.

[Nurturing Mama]

My son fought diaper changes at that age, too. I had a lot of tricks that helped us through the changes peacefully. Well, sometimes they helped :LOL . Have you tried giving her a toy to explore while you're changing her, or singing a song? Another thing that sometimes helps is giving choices, like having her choose between two different diapers, or two different places to change her. It gives the child a little bit of control, and sometimes that's enough to help her settle down for the diaper change. Good luck!

Carrie

[The4OfUs]

First of all, good for you for wanting to make a change and break a cycle that so many are unable or unwilling to.

I gave up trying to have my DS lie down for changes when he was about 14 months old, for the reason you mentioned. I use disposables, which many here don't, but I went to the pull-up kind so that I could change him standing up - all wet diapers get changed standing up, and it has made SUCH a difference - *sometimes* I can even change the poopy ones standing; I'm getting good!...he just doesn't like being made to lay down, which I can hardly blame him; I know I'd hate to be forced onto my back while someone took off my clothes, wiped me down, and then put my clothes back on me! :LOL

I think if I had to summarize how to get into a GD frame of mind (because it definitely is a frame of mind), I'd remember these two "tests" that I learned of on this forum, and use frequently to judge my responses to my son in various situations:

- Would I treat an adult friend or family member the way I'm treating my son, if they were in his place?

AND/OR

- Would it be OK for my husband to treat me the way I'm treating my son?

I find that if I can't confidently say "yes" to either of these questions, chances are I need to regroup and think of a better way to solve problems.

I also find that trying to see things from his point of view helps a LOT...and often, what I thought would be a "no", with some minor modifications, becomes a "yes" (though I still draw the line at him catapulting himself over the back of his daddy's recliner )

Hope this helps!

FWIW, I like Anthony Wolf's "The Secret of Parenting", though some here don't (there is a fairly wide variance in what is considered GD from what I can see. Wolf's book definitely puts the parent in charge, and some GDers are uncomfortable with that). I'm also reading "Playful Parenting", and think it's great, too...I'm a pretty playful parent already, but it's helping me with specific situations and suggestions on how to play them out. The book list sticky post at the top of the GD main page is a great resource for books, and if you search those titles on this forum I'm sure you'll find lots of different opinions on them!

[annab]

Becoming the Parent You Want To Be is great for detailing what is age-appropriate behavior. It also gives very concrete ideas for what do to instead of harsh discipline. It is great for adding items to your mommy bag of tricks!

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by annab

Becoming the Parent You Want To Be is great for detailing what is age-appropriate behavior. It also gives very concrete ideas for what do to instead of harsh discipline. It is great for adding items to your mommy bag of tricks!

Thanks for this info, annab - I'm always looking for age-appropriate behavior and development resources!

[sagira]

First of all, zombiewaif.. (hug) It must have been really hard going through what you went through. My mom hit me on the head with the showerhead once and left me with a mark on my thigh, but that is not abuse compared to what happened to you. I'm sorry

From day one, ds despised diaper changes. He still does (2 years). We're getting to the potty training stage slowly. However, what I've found helpful (including all the helpful tips mamas here have dispensed already) is to change your attitude about it.

Try to see it through your child's point of view. Sympathize with her (you really don't like changing your diaper). Also, as someone suggested, offer her choices and let her help you. Capitalize on the do-it-yourself stage. Ask her where she would like her diapers changed -- on the bed or on the floor. How -- standing or lying down? Would she like to wipe, or you wipe? Talk to her, make it fast.. from Playful Parenting I learned to make it a game.

Pretend the diaper's talking, sing a silly song, dance with the diaper on your head.. whatever you can think of to make this fun. I tell my son I'm going to do it really fast.. and tickle him a bit in the process. He starts laughing and before he knows it the diaper's on.

I recommend the Positive Discipline series (ignore the sleep part), Kid Cooperation, Playful Parenting, and The Discipline Book.

Good luck!

[luckylady]

Breaking the cycle of abuse is a difficult thing to do - I am also doing it and for me it is a conscious effort when my DD acts up.

Oh I remember diaper changes...NOT fun. During diaper changes was the only time she was allowed to play with the remote control. LOL. It worked! Also I would allow her some "nakie butt" time - it depends on the comprehension level of your toddler of course, but DD totally got the timer thing. I would let her run around naked and I would laugh and call her nakie butt and when the timer beeped it was time to put on a clean diaper - this worked GREAT for us.

As for books, I LOVED "Your Child's self esteem". Such a wonderful book. I have read it three times - but the first time I found myself feeling very angry at my mother for not giving this precious and important gift of self-love to me. Also "She's gonna blow - real help for moms dealing with anger - a Christian based book but fabulous for everyone.

A great website just for developmental info is:http://www.zerotothree.org/brainwonders/parents.html

- and it IS worth the extra effort it takes - I have been surprised to find great healing for myself in parenting my daughter. It's a beautiful journey.