Homeschooling mom needs advice badly

[bhmomof3]

Ladies, if you have any advice for me on this subject, please respond...if I sound desperate, it's because I am.

I have three wonderful children ages 7, 4, and 2. My 7 year old is very smart and advanced for his age, which is one of the reasons we decided to homeschool. Other reasons included political/spiritual influences they will undoubtedly encounter at public school, and our lack of control as to what they teach in those subject matters.

I have been unbelievably stressed out and burned out. Maybe it is because I am trying to juggle three kids, and keep up with the house, and the never-ending laundry, and all the housewife duties...I know there are super women out there who can handle 7 kids with no problem, but I am not one of them.

I didn't realize the extent of my "stress" until my sister called me recently. She said she has stayed up nights crying because she has never seen me like this. Additionally, a friend of mine (25 year friendship) called my sister (long distance) after we met over Thanksgiving, worried about me. If my sister and my friend of 25 years are seeing this in me, obviously this is taking a toll on me.

So what are my options? I can't avoid laundry, housekeeping, cooking, groceries, or my other children. My only option would be eliminating the homeschooling. My husband is vehemently opposed to this. He thinks I am "changing our whole plan" on a whim, because I had a bad day. (I have expressed my struggles on numerous occasions, but I guess it didn't register.) Not only that, I didn't know this was a long-term "plan."

Let me say that my husband is really a great man, and not a tyrant. However, in this instance I am feeling like I have been harnassed with a big iron ball and chain. Why? Because no matter how hard this is for me, I apparantly have no choice in the matter. I agreed to try this, not to commit the next 15 years of my life to it.

I don't know what to do. I know that there are pros and cons to both homeschooling and public schooling. I don't want to be a stressed out mom who has nothing left to give her kids in the "fun" department. I don't want my kids to grow up and remember what a nut case their mom always was! I don't know how to handle this challenge.

Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[lilyka]

Wow, I haven't got a lot of help for you. If you know you hate it and absolutely don't want to continue then my only advise is to quit. If you hate it there is no reason to go on and no reason to feel any guilt in quitting. You gave it your best shot. I also recommend you seeksome professional help. Maybe there is some depression in the mix here that could be taken care of.

If you want to try homeschooling for a while longer here are some ideas to make things go a little smoother.

Flylady!! OK I am a total flylady drop out and failure but some people swear by her for getting thier life in order. Her system does make a lot of sense and if I could just get my freaking shoes on in the morning. . .

take a break from school. Let it slide. If you absolutely can't let it slide don't spend more than an hour a day on it and no more than 5 days a week. you only need to do school with your 7 year old. No one else would be in school if they went to PS.

Theach the kids to do thier share of house work. They need these skills. You will doing them a favor. They can help with laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping,dusting, and picking up after themselves.

two words - CROCK POT.

Hope this is helpful. Hope you start feeling better. Good luck.

[bhmomof3]

Actually, I haven't felt depressed, just really, really overwhelmed. It's a feeling like I cannot keep up, no matter how hard I try. The result is that I do everything about half-way, and nothing really well...and that contributes to my stress as well! I am not unhappy, I just don't know how to juggle everything successfully, and remain available to my other children, who are more needy at thier ages than my 7 year old.

If it were up to me, I'd try putting my oldest in school for a while, and see how it went. However, this is going to be a huge issue with my hubby. My issue is stated quite simply...and I quote
"If mama aint happy, aint NOBODY happy!"

I say that simply to say that my kids' happiness and the peace of our house really does revolve around my state of mind. I need to be at peace, and I'm not. My husband thinks this is selfish of me. THAT is my real challenge, here.

[khrisday]

I was going to say the same things-

flylady

unschool

teach the kids to help out with housework

and use your crock pot or do that cook once a month thing

It's really not a black and white choice, but rather about making your choices work for you.

[barbara]

Ditto what you all said!!

I've felt overwhelmed over the years and I always have to remind myself that it is always because I'm doing too much....

If you aren't comfortable with unschooling, then stop and think about how much do you really need to "school" a 7 year old? An hour a day should be plenty....spread it out over the day.

Take time to enjoy your kids and let the housework slide a little. Maybe dh will help in the evenings or weekends.

Simplfy and enjoy life.


b

[moondiapers]

I have to agree with previous posters.

My 6yo does her own laundry. Dh does his own laundry because if he doesn't, it doesn't get done.

www.flylady.net for organizing your home and time, remember baby steps.

I grocery shop once a month.

cooking shouldn't take more than 15 min per meal, 30min at dinner. Find a cook book with good 20min recipes. Or rearrange your meal times so that DH can make dinner, and you'll do breakfast and lunch.

If homeschooling is something that you believe in and want to do you need to approach this differently. Have a family meeting and say, "this is what I need help with, I'm only human and I CAN'T do it all." Then ask for ideas on how to make your life easier so that you have time to homeschool. You can direct a lesson while making a meal if your child is working at the kitchen table etc.

Don't worry, with all of the experience on this board the ladies here will always have tons of ideas for you.

-Heather

[heartmama]

I guess the one thing you say is your main issue, ie. Dealing with your rigid dh, is the one thing I would not get stressed out over. I'm sorry, but if my dh were being totally non responsive on a subject, and unwilling to find a solution, I would bypass him completely and do what I wanted. It is not acceptable to demand how I should spend my time, but it is fine to discuss with me what would be best. There is a difference.

I do want to say that homeschooling is by far the easiest part of our day and my son is 6. Housework is MUCH MORE TIME CONSUMING AND MIND NUMBING. The bills are MUCH MORE UPSETTING. Homeschooling--hey, that's a lot more fun than the rest of it :LOL

If you are only eliminating homeschooling to reduce your stress load I think you are picking the wrong thing to eliminate. I really do. You are going to be home anway with the younger kids, and I assume your 7 year old is otherwise happy with his home routine. The laundry and bills and cooking will be there with or without one child in school. And have you considered the added stress of getting that child to and from school, dealing with homework, school activities, field trips around the schools schedule, and getting that child ready in the morning and settled down at night? That is adding a LOT to your workload too.

I would hire some part time household help and/or lower your expectations. Don't underestimate how important that is. An hour of school is plenty with a child that age, and by that I mean formal "school time" where you sit and supervise learning. The rest of the day he can do all kinds of educational things alone and with siblings....nature walks, computer time, drawing, reading, coloring etc.

I want to second the depression issue. If your sister is up crying at night over you...either she is a dramatic person or you are underestimating how deeply troubled you have been, you know? I would just not get overly focused on whether homeschooling is the issue here, but mainly what in general is causing you to feel such overwhelm and discouragement. That's what I would look at.

(((Hugs to you)))

Heartmama

[Dar]

It seems to me that your DH isn't being very responsive to your concerns. If homeschooling is a non-negotiable for him, then maybe he needs to pick up some of the slcak in other areas. Perhaps he can be respinsible for cooking dinner, and throwing in a load of laundry every night, and taking all three kids for a few hours on the weekeneds so you can get caught up. If you (or he) want more school-ish stuff, perhaps he could set up some projects to do with the kids when he's home.

My best friend's kids are 7, 3 and 1. When her husband gets home, she hands him the baby. She cooks but he cleans up the kitcehn. The house is usually a wreck, but they've agreed that the focus right now is the kids, not the house.

Dar

[Openskyheart]

Not much more to add, but I wanted to third fourth and fifth the flylady recommendation. And don't worry about the shoes - my house feels great (and I am an original slob sister), I'm organized, and we have a no shoe policy in the house that I am not breaking for flylady!

My ds (8 y.o.) went to a great private school until a couple of months ago. Now, we are doing about 30 minutes a day 5 days a week - AT THE MOST of academics (math, writing, reading), and otherwise unschooling (in our house this includes me reading to the kids 1 or more hours per day).

My ds is EASILY acquiring as much academic knowledge as he did at the expensive (and good) private school in this amount of time per day. It's been said many times in many places, but may be worth repeating - school takes six hours a day, but the vast majority of that time is *not* on task time. It is lining up time, waiting for the teacher's attention time, recess, lunch, bathroom time, listening to the teacher discipline Jack or Daniel for the fifteenth time because they just can't sit still and focus on their worksheets, etc. I recently read a study which concluded that HIGH SCHOOL students who were in school 7 hours per day, actually spent LESS THAN TWO HOURS per school day on task.

This made me feel alot better LOL!

I also have a dd 6 y.o. who still goes to the private school. She really wants to be there, but now that I'm hsing my ds, I see even more how much time school wastes!



Laura :-)

[bhmomof3]

Thank you all for the good advice. I'm willing to try anything! I'll try the flylady thing too.

I must ask for one more thing....

CROCK POT RECIPIES?! I just don't do crock pots, or at least I haven't up to this point. Time to whip it out! Anyone have any good (easy) recipies I could try?

[Alenushka]

wait

MY son is in PS, so I am biased. It is small ps with very active PTA. However, I would say to you, as a parent of child in ps and as a person who remebres being a young gilr ans switching ps in the middle of the year, WAIT, if you can. IF you are not going totally crazy, do not enter you son in the middle of the year. First of all, you son would need some time to adjust to the idea. Secondely, the class and the teacher are stteld into a certain routine. It is one thing when eveyone is getting used to the same new thing and it is different when you the only new kid to whome everything is new. Plus, it is easier to make firends when eveyone is starting the smae grade rather than being anew kid.Thirdly not all schools and teachers are the same. We not only reserached the ps, we asked alot about teachers. And we petitioned to have our son to be in her class. It was not too difficult in our case becuase she taught afternoon K grade and I have a weird schedule anyway.

[Alenushka]

wait

MY son is in PS, so I am biased. It is small ps with very active PTA. However, I would say to you, as a parent of child in ps and as a person who remebres being a young gilr ans switching ps in the middle of the year, WAIT, if you can. IF you are not going totally crazy, do not enter you son in the middle of the year. First of all, you son would need some time to adjust to the idea. Secondely, the class and the teacher are stteld into a certain routine. It is one thing when eveyone is getting used to the same new thing and it is different when you the only new kid to whome everything is new. Plus, it is easier to make firends when eveyone is starting the smae grade rather than being anew kid.Thirdly not all schools and teachers are the same. We not only reserached the ps, we asked alot about teachers. And we petitioned to have our son to be in her class. It was not too difficult in our case becuase she taught afternoon K grade and I have a weird schedule anyway.
I use crok pots all the time. Especially when I work. The basic ide is this: In the morning take meat, fowl, or fish. Cut into managebale pieces and brown. Put in the crok pst, add spices, seasoning and cut veegetables (fresh or frozen). Add liquids (water or broth) abit less than you would to aregular stew. Cover, and let it cook on slow untill dinner time (i do all the prep work in the evening after kids are in bed and I keep my crok pot in the fridege and then in the morning I plug it in)
I love doing chiken with soy sauce and serve it over rice. I love adding dried fruits to meat stew and serve it over cous cous. Another good thing is :take a chepa pice of briskets, add can of beer, spices, brown sugar and let it be. Serve with potato panckases. foodtv.com has crock pot receipies too!

[mamacrab]

I just wanted to second what others have said- if dh is so devoted to the idea of homseschooling, then he will have to make it possible by taking over MAJOR parts of the housework that is stressing you out! You don't have to do it all, and you shouldn't do it all!! ESPECIALLY dinner. I just don't get how women who stay home with kids all day can be expected to cook dinner?? Dinner is dh's job!!

Hugs to you, hope it all works out.

[cori c]

Just jumping in with my opinion here! my favorite crockpot cookbook is Fix it and Forget it.

I also agree with everyone, you need to lighten up on yourself! You are doing a great job. I am where you are everyday, only I have a few years on you. I hs a 11, 9, and 2 year old. I basically unschooled until two years ago and my kids 'caught' up and passed their peers. Believe me, I would never have believed it. I thought my kids had to know how to read by 7 or it was all over. These days I use Bob Jones HomeSat for my older kids so I have more time with my toddler and I couldn't be happier! There are more and more suppliers out there for video school, satallite school, online school. The number one reason I hs is to keep my kids OUT of school, so I figure my choice might not be the best one, equal to me sitting at the table with them for 4 hours but it's better than the alternative!! Keep it up, you are doing great!

[mum22dd's]

I feel I have to write something because I can relate to the overwhelmed feeling, and although I have little idea about homeschooling 'cause my girls are still babies. But I can still offer some advice! First, is that the other moms are right, the homeschooling should not be the thing to give up, its the other stuff that added altogether is way too much for one person. The second thing is that whatever decision you make remember it shouldn't be a decision just to get you through this tough time, be a LONG TERM solution that, like you said, can get you through maybe the next 15 years. I personally think part-time help in the house is the best solution because in 3 years you'll be schooling 3 kids, and it'll be tougher than it is now. Last but not least, what exactly was your sister crying about? Is it because you're physically in bad shape, or is she just sad because you don't have time for your personal interests, go out less...etc? Sometimes moms' lives to other people can seem sad and unsatisfying, when we moms think quite the opposite. Keep up the darn good job you're doing, but come up with one major change that will allow you to live the next 15 years of your life much less hectically.

[bhmomof3]

If I could afford part-time help, or even just once-a-week help, I would have done that already, I promise!
I'm going to have to master the crock pot...make a "chores" list--(and my husband will have his share...) and get comfortable with less time-consuming schooling. If DH doesn't like the changes, I guess he will have to deal with my decision at that point.

[Openskyheart]

Not to harp too much on this point ( ), but I DID have once a week help, and I let her go after I started flylady! For some inexplicable reason, I now spend LESS time cleaning than I did when I had outside help.! And my house is waaayyy cleaner on a daily basis (rather than just on Tuesdays after Jeannette was done cleaning).

Strange, but true ;-)



http://www.flylady.net

Laura

[anythingelse]

[Linda in Arizona]

Wow! I didn't know that there were so many of us here who do Flylady!!! She changed my life

What is the deal with DH's lately? Mine is usually great but he is driving me nuts this Christmas break. He is here ALL the time, getting under foot, saying stupid things..... I can't wait for him to go back to work!

I really do love the guy, but..........

We were talking about a homeschooling friend who is thinking about putting her oldest DD (who is 8) in school. Mom is tired and burned out and want more time to work with younger child. My DH starts going off about how horrid that is, and saying that the child should haven't to switch in the middle, and that the mom should "finish" homeschool (i.e., homeschool til the kid is ready for college.) I couldn't believe it. I am very happy homeschooling right now, but my youngest child is 4. I don't want to sign up for this for 14 years!!!!!

We had a long talk and he is going to try not to say anything stupid for the rest of the holiday.

My other advice is to take a break from whatever you are doing from homeschooling. Many homeschooling moms (like me) find it easier to think about putting our kids in school than we do to just take a week or two off.

[hahamommy]

THANKS ladies! *I* feel better now, too ~ and didn't know I needed to!

I agree that what bhmom is describing is just *mommy* burnout, not necessarily related directly to HS. Luckily (?) we've all been there in one form or another. I just wanted to jump in and add another voice to the *BTDT* Chorus

~diana

PS> does bh mean Black Hills by any chance??