Homeschooling mom needs advice badly - Page 2

[Queen Gwen]

Adding my 2 cents late due to a major power outage (we've been playing campout in the family room -- fun way to start the new year!).

What would drive me batty in the situation is the feeling of lack of control. It just annoys me to pieces to have others tell me that I *must* do something, even if it is something I want to do anyway. I'd especially resent the manipulative I've-been-all-night-crying-about-you comments (which imply that not only are you incompetent about your own life but you're ruining your sister's life by "making" her worry about you so much -- sheesh, sis, read a novel or watch a soap opera if you need drama).

When I'm in a downward spiral I find it helpful to concentrate on my blessings. It seems like the wonderful parts of my life seem to expand when I concentrate on them. OTOH, if I spend hours fretting I find more and more to be upset about. Lynn Grabhorn did an excellent job of explaining this philosophy in her book Excuse Me, You're Life is Waiting.

Gotta go finish rolling up sleeping bags.

[Linda in Arizona]

Originally posted by Queen Gwen
What would drive me batty in the situation is the feeling of lack of control. It just annoys me to pieces to have others tell me that I *must* do something, even if it is something I want to do anyway.

YES YES YES! (Gosh, I feel so validated and it wasn't even my post you were responding to!)

When I'm in a downward spiral I find it helpful to concentrate on my blessings. It seems like the wonderful parts of my life seem to expand when I concentrate on them.

Same here. Does anyone else here keep a gratitude journal? Every night (well, not every, but *most* nights) I write down 5 things that I have to be happy about. It has really turned my attitude around. I have a lovely blank book that I use.

[Shantimama]

I have hit this point a few times and here are a few things I have found helpful, many of which have alerady been mentioned. My own nutrition and hydration is a biggie. If I take the time to make porridge in the morning and a nutritious lunch I can handle almost anything. If I just grab some fruit or cold cereal, anything and everything will overwhelm me all day long. Drinking lots of water helps more than I can say. I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for 7 years so this probably has something to do with these being such important things for me.

When my kids were younger I hit the wall in a big way. We don't have a spare dime in our budget, so outside help or meals out were out of the question, and my husband's offers to help didn't really make a difference. I asked him to completely take over a few areas - laundry (from putting it in the machine to putting it away), cleaning the bathroom, and taking care of everything to do with the dog. Putting these things entirely out of my realm of responsibility was a HUGE relief. A couple of years later I do a little of the laundry and the bathrooms only get done if I do them, but I don't mind so much - when this began we had three children in diapers, now we have none.

I am also less strict about video watching than I once was. I don't like them being so passive, but when their activity begins to wear me down I sometimes decide that they are more resilient than I am and put in a video so I can regroup.

Homeschooling isn't just about what you are supposed to be doing for your children. It is a family thing so your dh needs to help in ways that YOU find helpful. Keep talking with him. If he wants homeschooling so badly then he needs to do all he can to make it happen - not by telling you to do it better but by loving you like crazy so you can be well in it.

[bhmomof3]

This is my third attempt to post a reply. Everytime I finish and hit "submit reply" I get an error message, and then my reply is completely erased.

Yes, I agree that my sister's comments were manipulative, and I hadn't thought of it that way. I do think she meant it in a sincere way, but you are right, it was presented badly.

PROGRESS--SLOW AND STEADY

I got about 25 crock pot recipies from a wonderful woman named Trish...THANKS TRISH! I am perusing them to see what I can cook without messing it up too much!

I constructed a chore chart. DH is approaching it with little enthusiasm, but no choice. (I told him he must pitch in if he expects me to continue.) My oldest son is doing much better than dad, and is (dare I say) eagerly checking to be sure he has completed his tasks for each day.

Thanks for the advice..I am working on it.

[bhmomof3]

to hahamommy

No, bh does not mean Black Hills, but nice guess!

[mamui]

Jeez, I'm suprised at how few responses mentioned that your dh is being totally unreasonable and emotionally abusive. He is the FATHER He works what, maybe 8 hours a day. And you? If you had a different job than the one you had and he forbade you to alter it or quit if you wanted to what would you do? Re read your post. What are you really saying? You owe it to yourself to be brutally honest with yourself.

He only has say in your homeschooling "business" if he is a real part of it.

All the crock pots in the world wont help you if there's critical things that you need to say to him that have not been said.

And yeah its hard, very hard but its always better to be honest. Be strong.

Best of luck to you mama. And I really mean that.

[Linda in Arizona]

I've found that the most helpful chore for the rest of my family is for all of us to spend 10 minutes picking up at night. I set the timer and we dig in together. It is amazing how much 4 people can get done in 10 minutes when they really work.

Both of my kids have a helpful job to do everyday. I have them do their jobs right after lunch. It is always something that takes less than 10 minutes. Me being organized about it is really the key.

Also, declutter, declutter, declutter. Getting rid of everything that you can makes life much easier.

[Sherricp]

It sounds like you are making some good steps. I agree that your DH needs to take some responsibility around the house. I think it would be even better if he took over a key area--laundry, cooking a meal, after dinner clean up, at least one of those. BUT, I also agree with Flylady that it can be better to start getting yourself and the kids together better first, then change can often come more naturally when the spouse can see the outlines of the new system.

I also think that you are probably doing your oldest some real educational good. And one advantage of crock pot cooking is that a pretty young child can do it even if you would be nervous having them fry or boil stuff on the stove. My 2 y.o. helps me the most with crock pot dishes since nothing is hot until you set it in. Your 7 y.o. will learn some concrete skills and self-estee/responsibility from taking charge of preparing a meal. I think that in math especially, kids oriented towards "school-type" learning really benefit from the grounding in practical use of math concepts in projects such as cooking, gardening, knitting, etc. Doubling or halving recipes, comparison shopping, etc.

Also, have you considered doing some of his formal-type schooling in the "chore chart" method if he likes it? In other words, instead of you going through material with him step by step, he reads through it, does problems, or just reads a favorite book and checks off or writes a daily description of what he's done? You could make a list of things for him to complete or you could let him choose and describe the topics. Then he comes to you with questions rather than you working with him on things he may not need you for.

Good luck!

[Queen Gwen]

It occurs to me that Montessori emphasizes "Practical Life" learning in the 3-6yo class...that means stuff like dusting, sweeping, folding laundry (start with towels), dressing, cooking, etc. It may seem to take longer to help a young child sweep or mop than to do it yourself BUT in the long run it pays off. First of all, they'll probably learn to help around the house sooner than otherwise. Second, the time spent doing housework with your kids you can count as also accomplishing schooling (nice whether you're keeping written records or just keeping mental notes of what you've accomplished).

I'd delve into this further, but 3yo is covered with makeup running naked through the house. Gotta love it....

[SRHS]

First off, I must check out flylady, sounds like my kinds of gal!!

Second, kudos to all you moms and your wonderful advise, particularly Vanna's mom, wow, you really covered all the bases. I am brand new to homeschooling a 6 year old rowdy little boy, with a 19month old joining in as much as possible.

The only thing I have to add to your abundance of wonderful advise is check out these two books: The Mother Dance by Harriet Lerner and Staying Home: From Full-Time professional to Full Time Parent by Carcie Snaders and Martha M. Bullen.

When I first quit work to stay home I had a lot of guilt about it-wasting my education, blah, blah blah...That book helped me sort out priorities, which sounds like whta you are sturgglling with right now. DEFINITELY enlist dh's help around the house. My husband is in the military and gone often or "tied up" at work (legitimately, notjust at the O club). But when he is available he does his share of chores and giving me some me time. It is essential, we all can tell when I am low on me time, and yuour right: When Momma's unhappy, ain't nobody happy!"

Hang in there and definitley find a group of SAHM's who homeschool near you, they will restore your sanity and hlepmaintain it. If that doesn't help, I would seek professional help. wether it bea pastor, chaplain, priest, spriritual advisor, or psychologist. or LCSW or maybe even your OBGYN. Are you still nursing by anychance? For what seemed like a long time, as long as I nursed, I was more emotional than normal and stupid little things ( like a less than neat home) bothered me more than they should. A lot of our problems are problematic EXPECTATIONS, take a good long hard honest look at yours and dh's!!

Best WIshes and tons of hugs to you and yours!!

[mamui]

Ok sorry if I'm throwing my own baggage in here but I can't not respond. I am wary of the suggestions that your stress and unhappiness is your fault, that there's something wrong with you and that you should be the one to "fix" yourself.

Its your dh that is unhappy about how things are going and is stressing you out and is insisting that you do things his way.

I still think it is HIM that needs help and talking to, not you.

Just my 2 cents.

[jfatton]

Sounds to me, with all due respect, as if "hubby" has the best of all worlds: he gets to "tell" you how he wants his children educated and then sits back while you carry out his orders.

Crockpotting his dinners is one way to go (altho my wife would point to the bag of groceries and tell me to make us a nice dinner...she'd say thank you, too); having him give their lessons would be another approach (unrealistic, I know, but he COULD help you plan the next day/week's lessons).

Rose got really frustrated until we developed a partnership in this respect; I helped her write out the week's lessons Sunday night. Autumn could do as much or as little as she wanted day by day, as long as she finished up by Friday (of course, your mileage may vary).

You don't need to go outside your home to get the help you need. Print this and the other fine responses to your plea for help then show them to him. You seem to be down to your last nerve and he seems to be standing right on it!:

[Linda in Arizona]

Originally posted by mamui
Ok sorry if I'm throwing my own baggage in here but I can't not respond. I am wary of the suggestions that your stress and unhappiness is your fault, that there's something wrong with you and that you should be the one to "fix" yourself.

Its your dh that is unhappy about how things are going and is stressing you out and is insisting that you do things his way.

I still think it is HIM that needs help and talking to, not you.

Just my 2 cents.

I'm lost. Who said that "stress and unhappiness is your fault, that there's something wrong with you..."

[isissunsetblack]

a couple things i think might make you feel better, because they make me feel better

when i just got seriously stressed a little while back, my husband asked me if i wanted to sign up for some yoga classes. i usually practice that kind of stuff in a more solitary fashion, plus taking that time for myself without the munchkin seemed unusual. i never do anything without her. but then i realized that i could have that couple hours a week by myself just relaxing and meditating, building my strength, and my husband could do all the things i usually do, plus spend quality time with the little one. i realized its not a sin to spend some silent time working on personal focus and regeneration by myself, because when i come back refreshed, the whole house is refreshed. i signed up for qigong, but any yoga or taichi, or even a peaceful cup of tea by yourself for reflection and peace of mind is healthy.

plus your husband will be doing all the stuff you usually do, so you don't have to worry about dishes or anything! he could even put in some time teaching. he also gets quality 1 on 3 time with the kids.

just a thought, i found it works for me.

one other thing.........
i found that when i get stressed, because of overwhelming house work or anything else, reading this poem makes me feel better........

I took His Hand and Followed

My dishes went unwashed today
I didn't make my bed
I took his hand and followed
Where his eager footsteps led.

Oh yes, we went adventuring
My little child and I
Exploring all the great outdoors
Beneath the sun and sky.

We watched a robin feed her young
We climbed a sunlit hill
Saw cloud-sheep scamper through the sky
We plucked a daffodil.

That my house was so neglected
That I didn't brush the stairs
In twenty years no one on earth
Will know or even care.

But that I've helped my little child
To noble adulthood grow
In twenty years the whold wide world
May look and see and know.

Author Unknown

peaced be,
isis



p.s. make gingerbread men, and sorry my post was so long