How are your DH's/SO's doing...

[ebensmama]

...since your new additions arrived?

Mine was like a dream at first. He helped w/ everything w/out bitching, got me food and drink during our early nurse-and-pump-a-thons, took over all kind of responsibilities in keeping our toddler happy.... He was awesome.

And now, BAM! Back to reality I guess. He's in his old patterns. He works and thinks that's all he has to do in a day. He is annoyed if the house isn't in the immaculate shape I used to be able to keep it in when he gets home from work. He is annoyed if I haven't managed to get a great dinner put together. He is resentful that, at certain times of the day, I do still have to sit and nurse DS, while getting nothing else accomplished. He is, in general, a crab ass about everything.

I'm so fed up! Not only am I caring for an infant (nursling!) and a toddler, I'm trying to get back in the swing of running our household (cleaning, laundry, most of the cooking, and finances are *all* my responsibilities), *and* working part time from home (I'm a marketing consultant). What does he expect? Of *course* there are not going to be well-parented and cared for children, a homecooked meal, spotless home, washed, dried, and folded laundry, and hours worked toward my weekly paycheck all accomplished every single day. That's insane! I'm started to get really resentful at his lack of or begrudging participation in things like picking up the house, doing dishes, bathing or showering Eben, putting Eben to bed...these are reasonable ways for him to help relieve my of some of what I have on my plate. Right now, things aren't even *close* to being 50/50, and *he* is being nasty with *me* about it?!

Sorry that turned into a vent.

[Katt2005]

I'm so sorry mama, hopefully he'll get his head out of his... soon!

Well, for me, DP and I still haven't worked things out, so we are still not living together. So I guess for him, all is good! He don't have to take care of anything.
I on the other hand take care of our 3 week old 24/7, and my 3 year old all but when her daddy takes her for visits.
So things aren't that great around here right now. But I'm doing my best.

[Shell_Ell]

I understand.

My husband was so great in the beginning. He was supportive, did things for me without me having to ask, etc. Now, like you said, it's back to normal. I feel like at night when I ask him to take Riley so I can shower or have some time alone he's pissed off. He probably takes care of him about 1 hour out of the 24 hour day. I know he has a full time job, but dangit I do too. I feel like I'm working a full time job during the day and then a factory job at night, KWIM? Never a break. He's great with the baby and loves to play with him, gives him the occasional bottle, and has on a few occasions taken him so that I can sleep. It's just a little annoying to have to ask him to help me. Granted, he almost always does what I ask of him. I just wish he'd do it without b*tchin' and moanin' about it.

[sarahloughmiller]

My dh was also so great that first week and he did everything around the house without being asked. Since then he is still doing most everything, but the house looks horrible most of the time and I have to ask for almost everything. It gets really annoying. He still does it without too much complaining, but it would just be nice if they did things without being asked. My dh has not gone back to work yet, so I am sure things will change a bit when he does go back (on Holloween).

[mom2threenurslings]

My dh was AMAZING during the week before Coren was born and the week after. He cooked, he cleaned, he brought me food and drink, he took the kids hiking, to the park and to the library, he kept the house in order and had the kids clean up after themselves. Then, as soon as I started getting up and about (I purposefully didn't get out of bed much for the first week!!!) he went back to his old ways of having to be asked to do everything - including things that are his responsiblity. It's driving me insane. The other day I asked him why he could run the household (minus the finances) on his own during those two weeks and why he can't now. He said it's because he wasn't working during that first week (sorry dear, you went back to work when Coren was 5 days old and managed for the rest of the week ... and you WERE working during the week before his birth!) and now that he has to work, he's too tired and needs "down time". How is 3 hours of "down time" in front of the computer every night, staying up until 2am, going to help him not be tired (he gets up with the kids between 5 and 6!) and why is it that he can't do a load of laundry or two during that time ... or bring his dishes to the sink when he's done ... or load/unload the dishwasher every other night?

I have 4 children to take care of, 3 who are nursing, 3 who I'm homeschooling. We have activities and classes to go to almost every day. We have playdates, errands, projects, appointments, meetings, etc. I started taking the kids to all our events starting when Coren was 8 days old!

What amuses me, though, is that BECAUSE I've been doing so much so soon and because I'm overdoing it most days, I'm still bleeding - so dh can't get what he wants most! :LOL I'll have to suggest to him that if he starts living up to his responsibilities and takes some weight off my shoulders that he might get what he wants a lot sooner than if he doesn't!

Dh isn't all bad though ... he's absolutely in love with his newest son - I LOVE watching him hold, cuddle, dance with and talk to Coren! He IS such a good Daddy. It drives me a bit nutty that the child-like qualities my dh has that make him such a good Daddy are the same ones that get him into trouble as a husband!

[Galatea]

This is my thought on the matter - we are home, so we see/know/pay attention to all the little things that make the house run. They just don't see it or care as much, or they pretend they don't see it, whatever. So we just need to tell them to do it without any shame or whininess or wheedling tones in our voice. It is their responsibility and we should just say clearly what needs to be done. Forget being mad about them not thinking to do it, b/c that will never happen.

Now, having said all that, I should take my own advice, b/c I get mad about the exact same things. However, my dh is in school full-time, so he is home a lot and is good about helping. I also have gotten better about just telling him to do stuff. My psychology is that if I try to ask all sweetly, it makes it seem like he shouldn't have to do the chore and I am buttering him up. I want it to be just his responsibility, as I have mine, so I ask in a normal way and don't thank him a lot. B/c he should be doing it anyway.

I only have 2 kids and no job and no one to homeschool, and my dh is impressed if I cook a full meal, and he can cook, and he will pick up the house on his own. So I guess I have a prince. If your dh is being a jerk, you should call him on it in a matter-of-fact tone. JMO

Oh, and I finally stopped bleeding, but we are so paranoid about getting pg again that we are not doing it until I get my IUD. Dh refuses to use condoms so that is that. Poor him!

[mom2threenurslings]

Originally Posted by Galatea

This is my thought on the matter - we are home, so we see/know/pay attention to all the little things that make the house run. They just don't see it or care as much, or they pretend they don't see it, whatever. So we just need to tell them to do it without any shame or whininess or wheedling tones in our voice. It is their responsibility and we should just say clearly what needs to be done. Forget being mad about them not thinking to do it, b/c that will never happen.

My dh is in charge of laundry and dishes (although I do some when I need to wash something specific or when he's working lots of overtime or has activities with the kids). We have a dishwasher, so dishes shouldn't be a big deal or that time consuming, and all he has to do with the laundry is wash and dry it - I fold it and put it away.

I'd agree with you, Lilli, if dh hadn't done laundry and dishes on his own in the past - and if it weren't obvious that they needed to be done (mountain of laundry blocking the way from the kitchen to the dining room, dishes piling up and having to hand wash things because there are no clean ones). It's INCREDIBLY obvious and can't be overlooked. He's just plain lazy and has admitted to it.

He just went to bed - and didn't finish the laundry, didn't run the dishwasher, and although he inflated the birth pool, he didn't clean it out and deflate it. I'm going to have to clean the pool (we're doing a second cleaning just to make sure it's CLEAN before giving it back to the mama we borrowed it from) because it needs to air dry completley tonight before we deflate it - I'm returning it at the mama's MotherBlessing tomorrow. I don't know what he's thinking, as I reminded him a couple times (not whining or nagging) and he knows we have to get up, feed the kids, get dressed and go to church in the morning - there won't be time to be washing dishes needed for breakfast, clothes needed for church, and for dealing with the birth pool.

I know that ME doing his job for him is probably not doing me any good ... but if I don't do it, it causes more stress for me - and for my entire family in the morning when we're scrambling to get things done so we can get out of the house on time.

[Galatea]

Yeah, I'm not feeling as charitable either today. Dh was a total jerk! So I have changed my tune.

[hollyhobbie]

yup, i am having a hard time with this too. dh is so negative about this baby. he is always saying that he cries all the time. i think he is mellow actually. he is just a little guy and has a problem with gas. he lets me put him down so i think that is the cat's pyjamas!

all he does is complain or sleep. i told him the other night he is depressed and needs meds. or maybe something for anxiety. i dont usually push meds but i know he wont do anything alternative or proactive and i have to live with him. the other thing is he has excema something fierce and scratches incessantly!!! it makes me crazy plus there is dry skin on eveything that i am getting sick of. part of it i believe is psychological. the trigger i mean b/c it definitely gets worse when he is stressed. and he has allergies that he ignores.

bitch. bitch. bitch. i ask him to burp the baby at night and he gives it a real lameass effort then throws him in the swing. i guess it is too much to ask to get him to burp the little guy after i feed him all night. (boy this feels good!!) he does help out a bit and i try to be happy about it but it is amazing that he can swiffer WITHOUT picking up anything off the floor!!! or do laundry with 4 socks and a teatowel when there is 400 lbs sitting there on the floor. ha ha. i guess i am just evil. when i try to talk to him about it he whines "i'm trying." i wish i could say that too and then do nothing or download DVDs b/c that is so important to my child's development.

thanks for listening. its good we have each other!

[wordgirl]

my dh was an absolute bear the week he was home after millie arrived. we did lots of bickering and he did lots of groaning about "having" to chase ds around and not having any time for himself. it bugged the hell outta me that when jasper was playing independently, dh would be on his laptop reading blogs or playing games rather than doing other things that really needed doing like, laundry, dishes, making some sense of the kitchen, etc. so i called him on it. i think he was totally unaware how much work and how constant the work is to be keeping a toddler occupied, mostly happy, and out of mischief all day and keeping the house running while i was busy most of the time nursing the baby! ironic, since he was a sahd for almost a full year, but that's before jasper was mobile. *big* difference!

we had it out a few days before he returned to work, though, and his attitude did improve -- somewhat. by the following week, he had chilled a bit and though he still doesn't relish being on-call 100% of the time when he's home if i'm busy with the baby, he's at least doing a ton better. and he's picked up on doing more of the housework without me needing to ask (usually just loading the dishwasher or doing some laundry, but it's a start).

he actually apologized for being such a downer that first week and asked me if men could get PPD. apparently he felt he was no help during labor, and it was sort of anticlimactic (well he was only there the last 20-30 minutes or so, like everyone else but i guess with ds's birth at least he was making calls to docs and nurses and the doula and timing some contractions -- this time he basically got to get me a hairband, get some things gathered for the nurse in prep for the delivery, and offer some encouragement the few minutes i was pushing).

so i guess he was pretty much the opposite of many dh's? partially, anyway. we didn't have a honeymoon period where he was a huge help this time, but i'll take the long-term help anyday! i'm sure he'll need reminding and prodding again, but the past 2 weeks have been purdy decent.

::: lori

[PrincessCass]

I guess I am a super lucky Gal. My hubby has really stepped up to the plate on this one. He has taken care of the kitchen totally I don't have to even think about washing dishes he does them automatically every night. I empty the dishwasher every morning just to be nice but he never expects it. If he see's that the livingroom needs vacuming he just does it. I take care of laundry and dinner and thats pretty much it besides running after my toddler and nursing oh yeah and nursing and did I mention more nursing Anyway I have a prince of a guy and he has been incredible he even makes sure that our oldest has his homework done which is a huge help since I got a little flighty that first week.

I think the best thing is that he totally gets it and knows how much harder my job is compared to his. He always says I am amazing. For me it's easy as long as I stay on schedule if I get off schedule everything falls apart then nobody is happy.

[ebensmama]

I'm not happy any of us have had to deal w/ less-than-helpful DHs/SOs...but I do at least feel less alone in my annoyance!

I think you hit the nail on the head, Lilli ~ They have responsibilities and we should by all means articulate those w/out hesitation or whining if they seem to need to be reminded.

And to those of you w/ dream guys at home, congrats to you, lucky ladies! :LOL Send some of their energy our way, wouldja?

[curlyfry]

DH has been a dream these past four weeks, I seriously do not know what I would have done without him! Having said that...

I'm so irritated right now. I'm dealing with Meilana all day, and she's been super fussy lately. DH got home from work, showered, and took her for like 20 minutes. He gave her back to me, and now he's on the chair next to me snoring away. Why does this annoy me? Maybe because I'm holding dd right now and dishes and laundry have to get done and I really need his help! But he works pouring concrete and has a tough job and I feel bad waking him up and nagging him...

ok...he gets 10 more minutes, then it's help time!