Freaking myself out over son's comments about death...

[sueami]

Okay, my nearly 7 yo dd doesn't seem too interested in the concept of death, one way or another. It certainly hasn't registered with her on an emotional level yet.

Which is why my nearly 4 yo ds' recent interest in death is starting to spook me. Last week, apropos of nothing as we were driving down the freeway, he asked me if kids died. (I said, yes, sometimes they do, but not very often at all. Most people grow up and grow old before they die, or something like that.)
Today, he was asking dh why people grow big. DH said that our bodies grow until we get to grownup size, then they stop growing. And DD chimed in, then they grow old and stop working right and then people die (which is an answer I've given her before, more or less.) DS's eyes began to well with tears and he asked DH if you could choose to come back...

And now I'm worrying myself that he's got some premonition going... Has anyone else's child been preternaturally concerned with death? I wish I weren't upsetting myself with this...

[CrazyRED]

My DS went though a similar fascination with death when he was about 4 or 5. It bothered me at the time, but he grew out of it. I understand how unsettling it is.

Has he ever had any premonitions before? If not, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. From what you said, he understands the facts, but not the enormity of the concept. He sounds just like my DS did.

Hugs to you, mama.

[LavenderMae]

A few years ago when my dd (she was around 4-5) figured out I would die some day she just cried and cried, broke my heart. She still brings it up sometimes along with the fact she will die, ds will and dh. I think it can be a tough subject for kids to grasp, well even for adults too. I do think kids are more intune to things but I would assume it's just something that's been on your ds's mind.

[mahdokht]

My son is nearly four and is doing something very similar. The only death he has been exposed to is the death of bugs and a dead baby bird he helped my husband bury as well as a frog. It totally had me freaked out for a while because...well I'm not sure why, it just did. I think though this is just a very normal thing for this age.

[Ruthla]

I think it's completely normal for some kids to be fascinated by death around age 4 or 5- and just as normal for other kids not to be.

[Britishmum]

My dds both worked out about death by the age of 3. It is an emotional rollercoaster for them - hating birthdays for example as it makes you closer to old age. I think some kids just work it out before they are emotionally able to process it. You just have to offer support until their emotional maturity equals their intellectual understanding.

[Sharlla]

DS1 told me that he wish he had an age machine so when me and Dh get old he could make us young again. He also informed me that he doens't want to burn us (cremation) when we die as he doesn't see the point in keeping the ashes. When my son was 4 he accidently killed a kitten, so he knows about death.

[UnschoolnMa]

It's such a big, mysterious thing to wrap our heads around. It is for me anyway... for little kids it must seem even more so. I think it is a normal stage to go through though. Look into some good books (geared to his age/developmental level) and perhaps that might help. All you can be is honest, but not giving him too much to shoulder.

When 9-11 happened Dd had heard something about some kids losing both parents, and a few other things. She got really clingy and freaked out for awhile. We had some tearful talks about death then. It still comes up sometimes.

[Journey]

My 4 y/o talks about death sometimes. I wouldn't say she's preoccupied with death... she's as interested in it as she is in other things. She's just a curious child.

A sad little thing that is kinda cute: A few days ago my fiance and I were painting in the living room. I went to lay down, and as I was waking up, I heard my fiance say out in shock "Your mama's gonna KILL you!" It seems my little guy (3) snuck into the room when fiance's back was turned, and knocked over the bucket of paint all over the carpet! Well, I heard the pitter patter of my boy's little feet, as he was running up the stairs to my bedroom. My 3 y/o son first called out to me by my first name... which in my son's way of speaking means things are serious, and we have to have a talk. Then he said "Mama, C (my fiance) said you're gonna killed me. I don't want you to killed me." He knew I was on his side, and we could talk things out. Boy, that child felt bad about the mess he made.

[meemee]

at 3 my dd was looking forward to the kittens my newly adopted cat was supposed to have. well... she didnt. she miscarried. we only saw the spots of blood - nothing else. oh my dd got interested in death, what happens, afterlife, where do u go. her stories became full of blood and gore. her interest in shooting and killing also showed in her stories.

what i did was borrow some children's books on this subject death, afterlife, god and go over it with her. i did not stop the gory stories or games but joined in. i answered every single question as truthfully as i could - even saying i dont know, other people believe...

she is an extremely emotional, sensitive child. books and movies upset her so i have to read/watch everything before hand. so i choose my words v. carefully.

she was totally focused on it for about a month and a half and now has moved on to the actual science of poop - how different it is with different living things. she has forbidden me to mention die or death to her.

[Alkenny]

My DD was 4 when my grandmother passed and she developed a fascination with death also. Has anyone recently died? Or could he have heard something ANYWHERE about someone dying (with recent events, tv or radio or just overhearing adults talking). It is perfectly normal at this age though.

[A&A]

I vividly remember telling my mom I didn't want to go to sleep because I was going to die that night.........I can't remember exactly how old I was, but I was pretty young. Needless to say, I'm still here.

[mamalisa]

My 4 year old is obsessed with death and dying as well. It freaks me right the heck out. He's also upset about growing up and getting "big", he wants to stay small, so A) he can always live with us and B) so he doesn't die. It's so hard to listen to him talk about it because he gets so sad about it all. He's a very sensitive soul anyway, but get him talking about death and he comes unglued.

We just started talking about what different people believe about when people die. I think that's helped somewhat. He's very comfortable with the idea of angels keeping watch over us.

[coleslaw]

My dd got very interested at about 2.5 - 3. Then death happened all around her - our cat, my m/c, her great-grandfather, her sister Grace and most recently her great-grandfather- all since last May. She actually claims she can't wait to be an angel so that she can fly like her sister, Grace can, because, in her words, "It's not fair that Grace can fly and I can't." Kids can handle more than we think, especially when it comes to death. I wouldn't worry, just be as open and honest, age-appropriately of course, as you can.

[BusyMommy]

I'm guessing it must be developmental. They're just learning more about their world and its boundaries.

Yesterday my 4 y.o. asked me if the moose we saw killed on the road would go to HEaven. I said yes. THen, he said that well, if he were killed, he (ds) would get to go to Heaven and see his Grandma & that would be nice. :

[sueami]

oh, thank you all! I'm so glad to hear this is normal for the age... This morning he mentioned death again, but just said he wanted to live a long, long, long, long time, which sounded like normal childhood thinking to me. A&A, thanks for telling your story! I don't remember worrying about death this young but I did dig out the child development books, and sometime in the fourth year is when it often starts, so I'm feeling better....

many thanks and feeling much more at ease,
sue

[guestmama9924]

DITTO. She just turned 5, is letting up on it , but I agree, it can be freaky. I would venture to say it is just them learning about permanance.

Originally Posted by CrazyRED

My DS went though a similar fascination with death when he was about 4 or 5. It bothered me at the time, but he grew out of it. I understand how unsettling it is.

[HippoMommy]

To the OP,

I haven't read all the other posts, but FWIW, I wrote my Master's thesis on children's developing understanding about death. What you've posted is perfectly normal and age-appropriate (though disconcerting to parents).

[teachma]

Originally Posted by mamalisa

My 4 year old is obsessed with death and dying as well. It freaks me right the heck out. He's also upset about growing up and getting "big", he wants to stay small, so A) he can always live with us and B) so he doesn't die. It's so hard to listen to him talk about it because he gets so sad about it all. He's a very sensitive soul anyway, but get him talking about death and he comes unglued.

We just started talking about what different people believe about when people die. I think that's helped somewhat. He's very comfortable with the idea of angels keeping watch over us.

THIS sounds like my son, now 5, when he was 3.5-4 years old. He also is very sensitive. But, his anxiety about death became all-consuming, so we did eventually start play therapy with a child psychologist. (We waited more than 6 months but it didn't pass and got worse. He obsessed about death, cemetaries, worried nonstop that I was going to die, etc.) He is so much better now. But I think some concern about death is definitely normal; my ds was beyond that.

[Devaskyla]

My 4 year old is obsessed with death and dying as well. It freaks me right the heck out. He's also upset about growing up and getting "big", he wants to stay small, so A) he can always live with us and B) so he doesn't die. It's so hard to listen to him talk about it because he gets so sad about it all.

I wouldn't say my ds is obsessed, but he definitely does worry about it, especially since my grandmother died at the end of June. He sometimes tells me he doesn't want to go to sleep because he's afraid someone in our family will die.

And we have the same thing with not wanting to grow up/always wanting to live with us. Dh casually mentioned a couple of times about ds growing up and moving out. You would not believe the crying that ensued! We had to promise, repeatedly, that we'll never make him move out and he can live with us as long as he wants, so long as he pays rent once he's working (all the while hoping he won't want to live with us forever! :LOL )