Aware Baby vs. No Cry Sleep Solution: Comments? - Page 2

[Curious]

As for crying when hurt/frusterated/etc I know if I were crying (for any reason) and someone... tried to joke or distract me out of it I would be really mad....how do you help your spouse understand this?

My Dh's first impulse is to stop the crying any way he can, but he appreciates what I've said about respecting Dd's feelings and need to cry, just as he does when it's my turn, but he has a reflex that Dd's crying must be stopped, even if she's in the midst of trying to communicate something, he'll swoop in to "rescue" her.

I've suspected that Dh has, as they say, issues, with crying. Finally, on our drive to our getaway for our ninth anniversary a few weeks ago, he talked about how his parents used to leave him crying alone in his room as a child and how abandoned he felt. It was his father's belief that showing any concern would "soften" him. There was one time when he remembers his mother coming into the room to talk to him, but the only other recollection he has of his parents coming into the room when he was crying, was when his father came in to hit him for crying!

He decided in those moments that he would be a different kind of parent. Yea! I am so proud of him for recognizing the problem and breaking an awful cycle - his grandfather was no pussycat so I can see how his father got his attitudes.

After I heard that it was easier for me to understand his reactions. Solter claims that when hearing our children cry makes us uncomfortable, we should look at our own hangups, including how crying was handled in our own families.

To help your Dh understand this point, he needs some gentle encouragement to look at himself.

[artgirl]

Here's something interesting I've found. I have a wonderful baby massage video and I've started giving dd a massage everdy day that I can fit it in. Usually at least 4 times a week. The video addresses letting pent up emotions out. When you massage a baby's chest (over their heart) they will sometimes cry... not an all out cry but kindof a off and on cry. This instructor claims that they are letting out any frustrations or pent-up emotions that they may have had for that day. I believe it because I've experienced it. Some days dd laughs when I do her chest, or is quiet and then some days she really fusses. The teaching recommends that you not try to shush them... you acknowledge their feelings and tell them that it's okay so they learn that they are still loved and that it's okay to express their feelings even when they're negative. Dd seems much happier after her massage. I usually do her chest until they fussiness settles... then move on to the next part of her body.. .which happens to be the face. Massaging the face helps relieve any of the tension there from crying. The baby massage is SUCH a great experience for mamma and baby. I highly recommend it. dd loves to be naked and its great butt airing out time as well. Baby learns what positive loving touch feels like and becomes aware of their whole body. Plus they are really getting great one-on-one attention from the person doing the massage. AND they learn to relax... and the value of quietness. Babies get lots of stimulation but not much teaching about quietness. Now when I change her diaper and I need her to put her leg down (let go of the toes).. I tell her "relax, relax" as I gently shake her leg. She smiles and drops her leg down... she's learned to control her muscles and to relax. I could go on and on here and I'm a little off the topic... sorry.

p.s. if you do a baby massage make sure the oil you use doesn't have lots of bad stuff in it because baby will put their hands in their mouths... they recommend vegetable oil.

[Momalea]

Regarding dh not understaning the need to cry...it's been a long process with my dh telling him "I don't need to be fixed, I just want you to hold me while I cry. You don't need to do anything else to make me feel better." Or other very direct messages like that. It's hard for most people to sit by and watch a person (baby, child or adult) cry without wanting to do something to "fix" it. It takes all my self-control to hold dd and love her without making it better. Now that she's older I can ask her what she wants. Does she want to be held? Does she just want me to sit by her? Dh rarely tries to distract/negate me when I'm sad, but he still does it sometimes with dd and I try to gently remind him that she's okay, and simply being with her while she cries is taking care of her.