Postpartum Support Circle - Page 5

[Gale Force]

Hi ladies. I just got back from visiting family and found 150 emails in my inbox. Luckily, a whole lot of it is SPAM.

Ameerah -- I'm glad things are getting better. I've been out of my really bad cycles for months, but still have low times. It does get better slowly.

CityGIrl -- So you're on about Day 6 now. Any relief yet? I know it may take a while, but just wondering how you're doing.

willowpooh -- Your morning sickness may actually be an important clue for you. Morning sickness is caused (or aggravated in any case) by deficiencies in Vitamin B6. B6 is a factor in IBS and digestive wellness in general. It's also a big factor in depression. Here's my post in a thread on natural cures where I mention B6. Check it out when you have time. There is also a tribe in the Health and Healing Forum here which would help with the IBS as well. It's all related.

Amanda

[Aka mommy]

I hope you all dont mind if i join this thread as i just found it a few minutes ago and feel i badly need support. I have not been officially diagnosed with PPD but i am not my normal self and its driving myself and my family crazy. Here's a little about me

Im 25, married and have 2 beautiful dd's. We moved to the sacramento area of cali a year and a half ago and have really made NO friends still. My mother lives 20 mins away BUT isnt much help as i tend to care for her and her bi-polar needs. DD#1 is 2 years old and was born in a very invasive and traumatic hossy birth. DD#2 is 11 weeks old and was born wonderfully at home (but im still thinking through the posterior part of it all). We go to a large church but i have yet to befriend anyone as we seem to parent much differently then the others. After dd#1's birth i was the happiest i have ever been in my entire life, no joke. i didnt even experience the slightest tinge of baby blues. It was wonderful, i expected the same this go round. But it has been the opposite. Im tired, anxious, nervous, scared to death something is going to happen to both my children at any given moment, constantly angry and upset. My dh and i seem to fight like there is no tomorrow lately and i am constantly getting mad at my 2 yo for waking my other dd and for other little things. Dh is working 72 hours on 12 hours off. Sometimes he gets 2 days in a row off and really does try to help when he can, but i feel so forlorn and lost when he is not here. I love my children and have never ever thought of harming them, but when the colic hours start i honestly just want to run away. Its like my body shuts off and i tend to her in automode, not at all how i parented dd#1 and i feel so HORRIBLY guilty for not being the mom that everyone else is, or even that i was to dd#1. I have yet to go in to the docs as i dont want to go on meds as im still bf. I cry all the time and at the drop of the hat and im ready for some help. Where do i go? Would my midwives be able to help? Thanks

[FancyD]

Talk to your midwives for sure. My doctor said lack of support and help is a huge factor in PPD. Sounds like there's not much time on your DP's hands... Is there any way you could hire a student for a few hours a week? He/She could play w/ your older child while you napped w/ baby or just dealt w/ the colic, Also, have you heard of using rooibos tea for colic? I've heard it works wonders. Here are some links

* Colic, Allergies & Other Ailments: Distributors of rooibos tea often suggest it can help allergies, sleep problems, digestive problems, headache, and other ailments, but these claims have not been verified by scientific research. If the indigenous people of the Cedarberg region used rooibos tea medicinally, that tradition was lost and rooibos was just enjoyed as a good-tasting beverage until the recent interest in its health benefits. Many of the health claims for rooibos tea began in 1968 when a South African woman, Annekie Theron, found that rooibos tea eased her infant’s colic. As the story goes, she found no documentation on the benefits of rooibos and began her own experiments with local babies who had colic and allergies. She concluded that rooibos helped these babies, and she published a book in 1970 titled Allergies: An Amazing Discovery. Since then, she patented a rooibos extract that is now used in cosmetic products, and she started her own line of health and cosmetic products.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rooibos

Today, South African physicians recommend rooibos for infant colic. South Africans also use it to calm digestive upset in adults, to help induce sound sleep, and topically to sooth eczema, skin allergies, and diaper rash. Not enough research has been done to know if these folk remedies really are effective or to identify the substances in the tea that might be responsible for any observable benefits. Joubert says the tea does seem to help infant colic, but no formal studies have been done.

http://www.hylands.com/products/colic.php

[dillonandmarasmom]

Just joining in...

Hi mamas,
I am almost 9 months pp from my second birth. I had both my babes via c-section. My first was due to six hours of pushing with his poor head stuck and face-up...finally a section. My second was just amiserable/disappointing decision that I sometimes regret.

I have dealt with depression since high school. I am 33 now, and am on meds for the 3rd time. First was when I was 21--prozac (YUCK!), then Paxil after graduating from colllege at 25, now paxil again after a really ugly and terrifying start with my daughter. I believe it reoccurred because of a few factors:
1) really lonely/bad hospital experience after cs
2) bf'ing BEGAN with cracked/bleeding nipples and awful latch issues
3) slept on the couch with DD while DS and DP enjoyed a king size bed

Anyhow, now I am wishing I wasn't on meds because I just don't feel like myself, have extra weight due to the lovely side effect...and in the last couple of weeks have found myself getting very angry very easily.

AnnaKiss, I felt like I could have written your original post save the DP is a PhD part. But, everything else rings true...

I want to stop yelling, stop being the *extreme* mama (one extreme to the other) and get back to my gd roots. I am so disappointed in myself, but I feel like I just can't get through a day without losing it.

Thank you for htis thread. I believe it found me at just the right time.

[Aka mommy]

Fancy D thank you so much for that info. I have been trying the colic tabs but they only work once in a blue moon, i will definately look into the rooibos tea, never heard of it but im willing to give anything a try.

It's 30 minutes after midnight and both my dd's are asleep but this insomnia that has sprouted its ugly head has kept me from snuggling in with them. And dh is on another train and will be gone for at least another day. I decided to take the time to read through all the posts on this thread finally. It has brought tears to my eyes. I had not heard about the mother who threw her kids off the golden gate bridge (i grew up in the bay area) and it BREAKS BREAKS BREAKS my heart.

I dont ever fear for my children's lives being lost by my hands, but instead have the opposite end of the spectrum. Maybe it is some OCD? I will see a knife in the sink and get terrified of my older dd or someone getting ahold of it and stabbing younger dd on accident. Or i will hand dd off to my mom, or sister and im so fearful of them dropping her i can see it happening in my mind. Or the few times i have nursed her in the car, im so fearful of getting hit by other cars i speed up the feeding even though we are parked. I truly think im losing my mind. I wouldnt ever hurt her nor would i want anyone to, instead i think its the complete opposite. I feel like i am being held hostage by my fears. I am so fearful of my dd's getting kidnapped one sleeps in our bed and the other in her crib in our room. I cannot control the world and i know that, but my fear overruns that logic. I am so very tired of this. I have been working so hard at my faith as we've been through a year with scares of leukemia which thankfully were only dd#1 having an immune disorder, we had to back out of our first house we were buying,a job loss, a lyme disease diagnoses which resulted in dh off work for almost half a year and an iv that went to his heart, a bankruptcy and the loss of 2/3 of our income. And with all of that i was able to put things in God's hands and breath easy. But i cannot breath easy about my daughter's safety. Dd#1 is a co-sleeper to this day, dd#2 refuses to co-sleep and has slept wonderfully in the crib from day3. But my guilt about her being in the crib keeps me up at night. I am fearful she will stop breathing or die of sids in the crib, i worry that she wont feel as loved as her sister, or that she will wake up hungry and ill sleep through it because she isnt next to me. When do all of these ridiculous fears and thoughts become manageable? Had someone ever told me motherhood is scary i never would have believed them. Is irrational fears a symptom? How to you combat them?

My house is kept up. The laundry is done, dishes clean and put away, dinner usually on the table and both children as well as myself are always showered and usually clothed halfway lol. Its my way of fighting the depression. My mother is bi-polar and ptsd and i grew up as the mom in the house because she would sleep and not be able to function for weeks at a time. Therefor i'd complete all the household tasks and care for my dad and sisters. I fear that should i let the house go, then the depression will overtake me and my biggest fear of turning into my mother will come true. I have never had mania or bi-polar and i know it cant just develop out of thin air nor is it contagious, but it is another irrational fear. I so badly want to be the mother my girls deserve and dont ever want them to grow up as i did. And i so badly dont want to have any sort of depression. As my older sister told me, i had a homebirth nothing can stop me, so i shouldnt be suffering from ppd cuz im stronger then that. Sigh, i dont know where im going with this post. Sorry to chew your eyes off with my rant. But thank you for listening

[janebug]

I had a lot of this fear too. It has finally eased but I still get it a little, makes me queasy and my legs weak. One thing I have found that helps is a poem I found on Mothering. It was called a Unity Prayer:

I see you as God sees you, with plenty to meet your every need.

It kinda helps me get my breathing back to normal and gets me away from the fear.

[FancyD]

Originally Posted by Aka mommy

But my guilt about her being in the crib keeps me up at night. I am fearful she will stop breathing or die of sids in the crib, i worry that she wont feel as loved as her sister, or that she will wake up hungry and ill sleep through it because she isnt next to me.

You're being responsive to her needs, and that makes you a good mama. That's what makes attached kids, not some pre-set bag of rules. Trust me, she won't sleep through hunger or discomfort just because you're not right there! Sounds loke your little one is more independant than your first. I'm sure there are numerous moms who would trade with you in a new york second.

Originally Posted by Aka mommy

When do all of these ridiculous fears and thoughts become manageable? Had someone ever told me motherhood is scary i never would have believed them. Is irrational fears a symptom? How to you combat them?

The square breathing mentioned earlier is a great tool to combat anxiety, at least for me. Talking myself through the fear helps, too.

Originally Posted by Aka mommy

As my older sister told me, i had a homebirth nothing can stop me, so i shouldnt be suffering from ppd cuz im stronger then that. Sigh, i dont know where im going with this post. Sorry to chew your eyes off with my rant. But thank you for listening

Ok, no offense, but your sister is whack. NO ONE CHOOSES PPD. No one would chooses this depression, how crazy is that? Your sister sounds like my SO, someone who has never dealt with this issue and therefore talks out of their a**. Not to say that she doesn't care, but she doesn't understand


This is exactly the place to come and rant. At least here, we understand your situation and can empathise and sympathise. Much love going out to all of you!

P.S. Are you taking any supplements or vitamins?

[dillonandmarasmom]

I responded to this thread last night in the hopes of finding support. Can anyone relate to feelings of anger? I get angry very easily and think to myself a mantra that helps to keep me calm==though not always. The rainy weather here has had me very uptight and furiously cleaning(ocd?).

I am starting each day with a brief me time here on the computer while DS watches his pbs programs : and dd sits here next to me.

looking for support and some reassurance that I can get through each day calmly.

[dillonandmarasmom]

Also, my DH takes Glucoflex 3-6-9 for ADD and it has flax sed and fish oil. I took the recommended 3 today. Any thoughts on its effectiveness?

TIA!

Here's to a healthful, calm and gently loving day!

[FancyD]

I absolutely felt RAGE! Waves of it... It was essential that I took some "me" time at those moments. So no bag on head for letting your child watch pbs! If it helps you get through your day, and makes you a better mom than there's no shame in that.

This is all my opinion, but I don't value total and utter calmness as a virtue. I am human, and I can feel the whole gamut of emotions. Anger has its place in life, and if it is misplaced, I look at what I'm really angry about (it's usually *something*)

Check w/ your dr. regarding side effects, maybe the anger is from there. I don't take medication, so I don't know a whole lot about it. But if you're worn out and not being supported like you need, you'd probably be angry. And if you felt you couldn't express that for some reason, the anger would come out somewhere, sometime. At least, that was my issue. After having been suppressed, my rage-outs would be 10X worse than if I had been able to express it initially.

Hope this helps a bit, good feelings to you all!

[dillonandmarasmom]

Thanks for the validation, FancyD. I'm actually having a pretty good day, except for the issues I'm having with DH...he really doesn't get that I count on him coming home after work rather than stopping at his friend's for a while--especially with no prior notice! :

Good day to all!

[Aka mommy]

I often fight with feelings of rage that tend to be directed at my dh and when he isnt home they are towards my dd when she wakes up my other dd( but i hold it in). Hugs to you and know you arent alone.

Fancy-THe supplements and vitamens i've been taking are:

290 mg primodophilus
super cranactic
400mg calcium
1350mg (GLA yield 135 mg) evening primrose oil
C-1000 with rose hips
250 mg B-12
100 mg B-6
400 mg Folic Acid
1000-2000 mg alfalfa
1040-2040 dandelion

Now this is only on the days that i actually remember to take all of this along with adeqaute water. LAtely i'be been slipping and drinking a caffeinated drink in the morning instead (blush). I know next to nothing on supplements except what i learned while preggers, so feel free to tell me what im doing wrong.

[wombatclay]

I will see a knife in the sink and get terrified of my older dd or someone getting ahold of it and stabbing younger dd on accident. Or i will hand dd off to my mom, or sister and im so fearful of them dropping her i can see it happening in my mind.

That's EXACTLY how I feel most of the time! Not that I'm going to hurt dd on purpose, but that somehow I'll do something stupid that results in her getting hurt (like falling down the stairs while carrying her, or leaving the cheese grater on a low shelf and having her cut herself). It's like looped tape running through my mind over and over and over. I know it's linked to a sense of being out of control but knowing why it's happening and being able to move past it are very different things for me.

My therapist claimed she had never heard of anyone else having that sort of fear and it is SUCH a relief to find other mamas dealing with the same issues. I wish none of us had to face these problems, but it's good to know I'm not alone in this!

I've been using the breathing/mantra from Peace is Every Step..."Breathing in I calm my body, Breathing out I smile" while taking slooooow deep breaths. It's been helpful, but I still worry more than is healthy.

[FancyD]

Aka mommy, I don't know a lot about sups, just what helped me. I started taking Calcium/ magnesium and that seemed to help me the most. The primrose oil gave me yeat infections, I think, so I stopped those. A slow-acting B multi works for me too. I just need to remember to take them I tried to explain to SO that my brain resets every 2 hours or so, and my routine starts all over again so it's hard for me to remember to do anything other than the routine. Does that make any sense? So taking my sups isn't the norm yet, and I forget a lot. Then I feel like a she-demon and remember! Mostly a sympathetic ear from SO and the effort to help me has done wonders. Though I had to have a breakdown to get this, it was almost worth it.

"My therapist claimed she had never heard of anyone else having that sort of fear and it is SUCH a relief to find other mamas dealing with the same issues. I wish none of us had to face these problems, but it's good to know I'm not alone in this!"-wombatclay

That's very odd for a therapaist, no? Many of the mamas I know have felt things like this.

Hope everyone has a good day!

[wombatclay]

That's very odd for a therapaist, no? Many of the mamas I know have felt things like this.

Yeah...the more I think on what she said/did/recommended the "happier" I am that I no longer see her!

[Aka mommy]

Just need to vent. Ugh, i hate it, i feel like such a wimp or complainer. My dh just got back today from a 3 day trip and had the nerve to say that the place was a dump. I am usually sooooo good about keeping everything up, but today was church and my lil sisters grad party and k has been throwing up more on just about every outfit, so i had tons of laundry and stuff everywhere. And L has been throwing tantrums and clingy since dh's been gone so much. But come on now, you're gone for 3 days and all you can say is what a mess the place is?

So does not help since last night the girls took turns screaming from about 7 to midnight. I sat and cried and seriously thought i had made a mistake becoming a mommy cuz i am just not good enough for my girls. I kept hoping dh would get home last night or that i could be replaced. Sigh, i come here because i couldnt dare to tell dh for fear of him using it against me in one of our many arguments we seem to have lately. And then he tells me he plans on getting in 2 more trips before the 15th, which means he will be gone 3 days home for 12 hours, then gone another 3 days home for 12 hours. Why do mens lives revolve around money? Dont get me wrong im thankful he can work and is willing to provide. BUt seroiusly, last night i thought i was going to have to call someone to come check me into the mental ward cuz i just felt so out of control and unfit at my job as a mom. And when i told him that he'd come home to me melted down, he laughed like i was joking. Worst part is my sisters are going back to college, so i really will have no help as my mom cannot drive at night. I hate that im so far from my friends! But thankfully i remembered that someone had posted the peace is my mantra thing. I couldnt remember exactly what you had said, but i bounced on the yoga ball, gritted my teeth and told myself something about breathing out negativity breathing in smiles. ANd it worked. 15 mins latet k was passed out in my arms and l was asleep on the couch. THANK YOU. i think it saved me from going over the edge!

[FancyD]

I could have written your post 6 months ago! Truely, same stuff was happening here...I DID have to break down to get a little flippin' help.
I know that my SO was super worried about money(still is) and that he wasn't telling me how bad it was. That didn't help, of course! I think he finally has come to understand that if I can get a 15 min break, I'm a much happier person. If he tells me what's going on, I don't ask a brazillion q's.
Do you use Rescue Remedy? It's really helped me out of some bad moments...
Also, I noticed that when I'm tense ds won't sleep. He totally picks it up, and then I get more annoyed. RR and the breathing have really helped me cope in some ticky situations,

[Aka mommy]

While i hate that anyone has ever felt the way i was feeling, it is truly a relief to know IM NOT ALONE!!! Thank you for being so open and honest. I tried the RR once and the taste was horrid lol! But i suppose its better then how i felt, so i will remember to take it next time. Today is not much better, dh HAD to go on a bike ride and felt entitled to it since its his day off and he cleaned the kitchen. GRRRR. Sometimes i wonder if our marraige has really ran its course or if its the ppd or whatever is controlling my emotions? I guess SO's just dont understand. He came up to me and very rudely asked "What do you want me to do? Do i need to chekc you in?" Um hello, do we have to go to an extreme? How about just hold me and listen to me cry?

Has this put a damper on anyones hopes for more children???

[dillonandmarasmom]

aka,
i'm sorry you are in such an unsupportive partnership. i've felt alone too.

[willowpooh]

Help!

I went to the doctor for a check up on my progress of taking a month of samples of Lexapro (for depression and anxiety). It has been working out great... as I've said before I can feel a "turn around" and there is definitely a difference. So the Dr. wrote a script for three months more. I went to the pharmacy to fill it and... guess what... the insurance wouldn't cover that particular drug! So they had to call the doctor and she had to change it to Paxil. I have no idea if Paxil will work as well, AND the pharmacist said I was going to get the initial sleepiness that you get for the first week on a new depression drug all over again!

But get this... my doctor called me herself and really put the pressure on me to give up breastfeeding. But I've read many places that it is ok to breastfeed on depression medication, especially with an older baby. Does anyone who happens to be reading this have any idea or info on this??