what about the less fortunate?

[mrs.dotdotmilf]

We are constantly told and read about how important it is to have support at home when the time comes. most of us are blessed with family members,friends and spouses ready to take all tasks from you when you give birth so that baby can become your priority.Now, what about the less fortunate moms? we are out here! how do we manage a baby with the lack of help that presents itself as a stress factor? I am 38 wks and I am at wits end trying to get everything in order so i wont have as much work when baby arrives. I live in a one bedroom aparment with a spouse that is more inclined to walk over a pile of dirty clothes over and over again before taking it to the laundry room. aside from trying to rest, I have to cook, clean, and make sure I have everything i need for baby. what can one do when not even the threat of divorce has any impact on the help my spouse and only support person can lend? both our families live 2,000 miles away and moving back home is out of the question. we moved here and then found out we were expecting which hasn't given me time to make friends because i can't invite anyone over since my house is a mess and thanks to my spouse it looks as if my living room is the laundry room because he likes undressing there eventhough we have a walk in closet. what should I do? we don't have money to hire help. And i have to return to work no more than a month afterbirth. how can i manage my lonely future?

[MrsMoe]

Well, MsMilf, tell your husband to help you, take an afternoon and clean your living room, etc.

[3for3hb]

: sorry your situation is so tough. You can't let him run all over you like that disrespecting your space (I mean physical, mental and emotional space). He really sounds like a guy I dated a Loooong time ago. And I dumped him. He would have made my life miserable.
I moved here at 5 months with a toddler and my dh and really have no friends either, so I understand you on that point, really. It sucks. Dh's family is around but I'm not close to them and really don't want *their* help.

Take a deep breath, get a bunch of big black plastic garbage bags, and start filling them with all his shit that's lying around. Then pile them on his side of the bedroom or whatever. . . are you planning a homebirth??? Well even if you aren't you still need you space to nest in. Getting all the mess out of the way will make the job easier, cleaning wise I mean. And if he complains tell him you gave him plenty of chances to clean up after himself ... but you should probably still try to get him to do his share of the cleaning. What a jerk.

I don't know how to vote on your poll because I think it is an entirely private issue and I don't know you or your husband but I do know that some people just never change....

Good luck!

[crsta33]

Personally, I'm a grownup mama's girl and if she weren't coming here, I'd go there. I'm much more likely to threaten moving to mama's than divorce.

I've had some trouble with my dh not helping enough. He still won't bathe dd, unless I beg and plead (with both of them...she doesn't want him to do it) and that's a very difficult thing for me to do. But, he's gotten better about some other things, esp housework (esp if we have company coming over) and he does the majority of the care for the baby boy we just started keeping for friends (no diaper changes though : )

Best of luck finding a workable situation. Dh's can be very frustrating and unhelpful.

Christa

[zjande]

I think that I would ask him if he wanted to partake in my major house cleaning that you have planned for tomorow or whatever day. Be kind & enthusiastic about it. If he says no, or doesn't help at all, I would totally put alllllll his crap in bags & put them right next to his side of the bed, or wherever "his" space is. Then I'd clean up the whole living room so it looked immaculate, & the very next time he tried to throw his clothes or other crap on the floor I'd say "Excuse me!?! I worked very hard on this room, I'd like it to stay clean!"

What does he do/say when you kindly say things like "Will you please clean up your clothes in the living room?"

Arg, it all sounds very frustrating. Good luck with everything!

[AmyGirl28]

What about maybe a week or two after the baby is born have your parents and/or his parents fly out. Maybe have a talk with his mom to talk him into getting his act together.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Uh, you don't have therapy as a choice on there - that's what I would do if in this situation. Many of the times it's covered completely by health insurance or your employer's program. Either joint or singly. If not, there are often free therapy sessions offered through local colleges, or places like catholic community services. Sounds like many, many issues, too many to solve on the November DDC board, although we are all brilliant.

[gingerstar]

Gosh, I can't vote either...but one suggestion I would offer is look around for support. My best offer would be to find a La Leche League group in your area - I know around here we have both daytime and evening meetings, so you can attend no matter what your work schedule. They were really a lifesaver for me after my first was born - I never had a single nursing issue, but my DH was (unbelievable, now looking back) working a full time job and going to school full time also, so I spent most of my time alone with a very high-need baby. At LLL I found very supportive moms who did not care what the house looked like, they knew that what matters is caring for your baby and yourself. They invited me into their home for dinner, and I learned so much about being the kind of mom I wanted to be just by watching them.
Best of luck to you

[Belleweather]

I have an awful lot of sympathy for you, but I can't quite work out how to vote either.

My situation is much like yours, our house is a little bigger maybe, but we also have no family or friends who can come over and help and the place is a COMPLETE pit. DH is utterly unhelpful and also takes his clothes off in the living room (and God, I'm so thankful there's some other woman out there who understands my pain about this issue... I mean, we have a bloody laundry chute right IN the living room. Can he use it? Nooooo. I have to sit down on the couch after a hard day at work and look at the skid marks in HIS dirty underwear. Ewwww!) which makes me insane. Every time I ask him to help he complains that he has too much homework to do or an exam to prep for or something else. But he still manages to have time to watch DVDs and play computer games.

My solution was NOT a good wife solution -- I stole the mouse for his computer, and the pulgs for the DVD player and his text books, locked them in my car, and told him we were cleaning that weekend whether he liked it or not. This did not result in an over-all improvement on the DH cleaning front, but did result in a momentarily clean living room.

[punkwoman1982]

I do not know how to vote on your poll. but i understand the no help aspect i cannot even get my b/f to take out the damn trash with me asking about 5 times b4 it happens then he gripes b/c i would not leave him alone about it.. sheesh. Thankfully i am able to take the alst 4 weeks beff me edd off so i can get my hosue in order and kids will still be able to go to day care. b/f got a on top of his f/t job to help while i am out of work,. i like the put all his stuff in bags and put it is "his space" thing then i would throw a fit if he started messing up your clean house. I mean if u are the one who has to clean it u have the right to get pissy if someone messes it up. I personally have saturdays as my cleaning day and just try to keep the house looking not too bad or the rest of the week. I hope everything gets better 4 u. Th elast thing a woman need is stress liek that at the end of a pregnancy.

[cjbeach]

THIS IS ME TO A "T"....

My mother is dead, father has dementia, brothers are addicts. My ILs are so self-absorbed that when I had my first baby they were pretty much MIA and my SIL lived in my development, ILs lived less than 2 mi from me. They never so much as dropped us off a fast food meal, let alone "help."

With my DD my ILs WERE MIA so my gf took 2 days off of work to watch my son so I could deliver...nice huh? This baby we're now 15 hours away from everyone, no sitters, so we're doing a homebirth. Last week I had the flu, sinus infx etc on top of being 35 weeks pregnant and my DH was working while I had the 2 kids (4 & 2) and you know what??? YOU DO GET THROUGH IT. I SWEAR TO YOU....

The key for me has always been to just relax when I'm *feeling it* and remind myself that a) my kids are only going to be this small once b)if I can get through this I can get through anything!!! and c) just sit back, watch them and enjoy them!!!

Sometimes I think a smaller place would be a blessing because there's a lot less to clean!!! LOL. My house is pretty big and I feel like I'm never finished cleaning. I do have my "routines" which I'm pretty diligent about espec in the early morning and after the kids are asleep. My dh does nothing, I mean nothing. He works, he pays the bills, I do everything else. He is SO add that he can live and work in a mess. Luckily I've kinda contained his work mess to the upstairs loft which is gated off and I can't see it. But I can guarantee you there's glasses, plates, silverware, papers, books, computer stuff and mail everywhere in the vicinity of his desk and most **under** his chair. It's pretty revolting but I'm one person who can only do so much.

YOU CAN DO IT!

My best advice is don't expect the help.... I honestly thought with my first that someone *would* at least drop us off a meal or something and all I did was set myself up for disappointment. But last week when I was sicker then I've ever been in my life my elderly neighbor made us dinner one night and I was soooooooooo grateful! It was the first meal in 3 kids anyone had ever made for us!

HUGE hugs from someone who has BTDT and STILL there!

[3for3hb]

so mrs.dotdotmilf....

how are things going???

[BensMom]

Well, I think if you dont have a built in support system you have to create your own. I have been on my own since i was 12, my single mom was a drug addict and gave me up to the foster care system. I do have some loving family but they live in Germany! So not close at all.

I moved to GA when I was 20 and have developed my own "family". I live by the motto that friends are the family you choose. Once I had DS and I realized that I wanted to be around more crunchy people (my college friends are all pretty mainstream) I sought out other moms here in the Finding Your Tribe area and at places like LLL. Now I feel like I have a nice support system but its still not anyone who will come clean my house and cook me dinner for a week (since everyone has their own kids and family, of course).

My ILs are pretty useless. MIL has money issues and we cannot depend on her for anything. In fact, I am afraid to even ask her to come stay with us for a couple days to help with DS after Dh goes back to work, because I am sure she will have her hand out looking for money that we dont have. SIL acts helpful but really isnt. BIL is a single guy in his 40's. I dont expect much from him other than the occassional poker buddy.

So I would recommend trying to find a support group. Moms Club, LLL, Mothers & More (more specifically geared towards working moms), Finding Your Tribe here at MDC...It might take awhile, but it will happen.

As far as your DH, I dunno. I mean, I cant even imagine DH not helping out. I always figured it was because up until recently, we both always worked so we had to both pitch in together just to survive. But you work too, so I dont know where your DH gets off sitting on his butt and not cleaning. I would sit down with him and lay it out...ask him what ongoing chores he is willing to do. And then expect him to do it. Or tell him you are going to pay someone else to do it. Sometimes money talks with these guys. Good luck to you!

[cjbeach]

Jenn, we need to move closer together....

[SoggyGranolaMomma]

My husband WOULD help, except he wasn't working when I was in the hospital THREE times this pregnancy and could NOT take any time off. He went to work the afternoon I came home from the hospital and has been working 10-12 hour days EVERY day including today since. He really has no choice.

He also doesn't handle stress very well, so I can't really complain without risking that he will lose it completely so like most women, I grin and bear my own burdens.

I have FOUR kids and now a newborn. 2 are school aged, 1 is a preschooler and 1 is a toddler. No rest for the weary here. I have no friends or family to help and while my mom did pay for a cleaning service to clean the house the day I came home from the hospital, meals, cleaning, child care, bills etc have all been my responsibility since coming home.

I am of the frame of mind that it's simply easier to do it on my own than with an unsupportive husband. I love my DH and all his tragic flaws but I have a limit and at any point I feel he is taking advantage of me, his ass is out the door. I've been a single mom of two kids before and I can face the prospect of being a single mom of five if I have to. He has no doubt I will follow through on this and be just fine without him. He knows what side of the bread his butter is on and so far we have been able to manage.

Bite off small chunks and get yourself organized. Get rid of ANYTHING you don't think you'll need in the next year (anything you accidently get rid of can always be replaced at some point) pre-cook and freeze some meals for when you come home from the hospital and just know that you will manage. Women have babies for a reason, we are the ONLY ones who can handle it.

[Gunter]

I totally agree with PP about getting some marriage therapy so you and he can explore why/what is going on with the lack of help. It's very unfair for one person to work so hard in the marriage.

Also, try the LLL local meetings now while you are preggo to start meeting people. I feel so much more comfortable calling someone from it since I have already been to a couple of meetings and the local conference.

If you want to meet other like-minded moms, I would recommend yahoo.com groups like a babywearing group or a cloth diapering group. That is how DH and I have met people while preggo. Plus, there are more than a couple of Attachment Parenting groups where we have met people. And, my MW apprentice runs a homebirht meet-up group. So, we have gotten to meet people who we could call for help.

We have been here 4.5 years so have friends that we are calling on for food the first 30 days after babe arrives. We made a 30 day list of food items and each friend will sign up for one day of bringing us food/coming to see the babe. So, the first 30 days we will not be too isolated or hungry. We were very specific about what we eat and even listed take-out items from local restaurants.

Wish you all the best!