SILs didn't visit ds in hospital, I'm not over it

[muttix2]

Ds2 (9 months now) has very bad reflux. It got so bad a few months ago that he had to be checked into the hospital for 4 days. We've just now gotten to the point where he's finally getting to a healthy weight (he couldn't keep ANYTHING down, was so skinny it stills breaks my heart to think of how miserable he was ). Luckily he's on medicine now that enables him to eat and keep it down with minimal throwing up (only once or twice a day ).

Anyway, a couple days before ds2 was checked into the hospital SIL #2 got mad at me. The day that ds2 went to the hospital was horrible, he was rushed there and everything was just a blur and so scary. Dh called his sisters to let them know what was going on, they didn't answer the phone (both are grown women living in different households). He finally left a message. They didn't call him back. They didn't visit. They didn't even freaking email. Meanwhile, we don't have a car so dh had to ride the bus for over 2 hours to visit. He couldn't visit on two of the days (luckily one was the day ds2 was released) because the buses didn't run late enough after he got off work and we couldn't afford a cab because he'd just started a new job. Both of his sisters have cars. My sister and brother helped me so much, staying at my house to watch ds1, riding the bus 2 hours to visit every day (a VERY hard thing to do with a toddler who misses his mama). And that's 2 hours each way.

But because dh's sisters were mad at ME (when one is mad at me the other gets mad too ) the didn't visit ds2. Dh tried to stick up for them when he saw how mad I was (about a week after we got home, until then I was too stressed to say anything) saying that they didn't want to visit with me being there alone. I say that they could've picked dh up from work so that he could spend more than an hour with his baby and then I could've taken a shower or whatever. Who cares if I was in the room anyway??? It was about ds2.

So, this hasn't really been a problem except for the fact that dh no longer brings them up since I see red when we talk about them. But its been a few months and now the holiday season (which includes the kids' bdays and dh's bday) is coming up. I refuse to go to Thanksgiving. I don't want to see them. I don't want them to see my son. They couldn't be bothered to drive 20 minutes to the hospital to visit my poor ds when he was so sick, why should I let them fawn over him at Thanksgiving (we don't spend Christmas with them so I'm off the hook with that one)??? Right now dh isn't bringing it up, but I know that he hopes that I'll change my mind. But I'm soooo mad right now. They've done many things to me in the past, even a few to my kids (involving food allergies and how I choose to feed my children) but this was just too much for me.

So, am I being a jerk? I don't want to punish my children or anything like that but I just can't/won't let this one go. I can not look them in the face and play nice like it doesn't matter. I mean, we visited SIL #2 in the hospital when she had plastic surgery! I was told that my ds could die if we couldn't get him to keep some nutrients down and they don't breathe a word for 2 or 3 days (apparantly after dh's repeated calls/messages one of the SILs called dh back. I don't know or care which one). Honestly, I could care less if I never saw either SIL again. But I don't want to be unreasonable. The only people I've vented this to are my friends (and my mom, brother, and sister) and of course they told me that I'm not overreacting But they are my friends/family and they love my sons so they aren't really unbiased. What do you think? Am I overreacting to not visit over the holidays (btw they live in the same city and haven't even attempted, to my knowledge, to see the boys since then)? Should I just forget about it and move on? I know that I should forgive them but I want an apology. I don't care about what they say to me, we never really had a good relationship, but I want them to apologize to ds2 and dh. Ok, this is probably the longest post ever so I'm going to cut it off now, thanks for getting through it!

[Momtwice]

I'm sorry.

That all sounds very painful.

I'm not really sure what to suggest but you absolutely have a right to your feelings. I have avoided certain gatherings because I was too angry and knew I would say something awful, but sent the rest of my household along. (The others enjoyed their day.) But it was not a major holiday which you deserve to spend how you see fit.

Keep us posted.

[acrathbun]

We dealt with something similar a few years ago when Megan was born. She spent her first 3 months in the hospital, critically ill, on a ventilator for 2 of those months.

My husband's family could not be bothered to show up. His mother came, once, right before she was finally discharged. To this day, his family doesn't "get" how sick she was.

My in-laws live about 12 hours away. My family lives about 3 days away, and still managed to be there when I needed them most. It's not a money thing, his family is significantly wealthier and much more mobile (they are comfortably retired).

I felt pretty bitter towards his siblings for a long time. Not just for the not visiting thing, but for some comments they made to me on the phone while she was in the hospital.

I was at least "polite" to them when we were together after that. Luckily Megan was still pretty sick for those first couple of years and we didn't go very many places.

I've mostly gotten over it now, but I think it did affect the way I feel about them.

[fiercelove]

I totally understand your feelings and I don't blame you one bit. I think it would be awful to expose your son to people whose love for HIM seems to be conditional upon how they are feeling about YOU at the time. I went through this with my own father. When he would be upset with ME for whatever reason, then my son wouldn't get birthday cards or christmas gifts from him. It got to the point where I felt it was emotionally harmful for my son to even remain in any type of a relationship with his grandfather. I didn't want him to grow up thinking "granpa loves me sometimes and other times I don't matter to him". I grew up that way and am still affected by it in many ways. I think children need to be around people whose love is unconditional and constant and can be depended upon come thick or thin.

[Irishmommy]

I wouldn't really be mad at them for not visiting in the hospital. The baby won't know that they didn't, and will only want you anyway, not them, and would be too sick to interact with them, plus there is a mutual dislike - why bother visiting someone you don't like?

However, assuming they get along well with your dh, I WOULD be mad at them for not offering at least the loan of a car, even if they didn't want to drive to the hospital themselves. That is unforgiveable. So I think you are right not to want to spend time with them. I know if it were me, I would have cut them off permanently by now.

[mom2littlebean]

I am sorry for the stress and illness endured by your family and I am happy that your little one is better. It is tough enough to go through the heart ache of having a sick child but to then not have the support of your family makes it more difficult.

Here is some advice and do what you will with it.

Ask your husband (since it is his family) to confront his sisters regarding how their lack of support has hurt you both and is causing a rift between you all and he would like an aplology to all of you from them. If they apologise then cool ...but I would go into it with no expectations.

Or you can confront them with hubby backing you and get off your chest what is needed.

Either way your anger is your own and you will need to forgive them at some point in order to have your own peace and well being. By staying angry we somehow believe that justice is being served. Infact we use the anger as a tool to hurt back and this is not the path to resolution.

In my own path of healing I have had to look at forgiveness in a different light.Unless we have first judged and condemned someone for what they did there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging. I must first make peace with myself before I can learn to love others.I must remind myself constantly that I can never know another persons motives and conditionings;I must for my own sake accept them as they are. A large ingredient for that acceptance is loving tolerance.

Count your blessings and be greatful for the family that did step up to the plate to support you. If I was your sil I would have been there to support you in your time of need, however it would not have been my responsability , rather a loving gesture on my part. Your SIL's are going to choose how they love you and there really is no way to change that...You need to accept them as they are and vice versa.

Anyway big hugs to you and yours.

[muttix2]

Thanks for the replies. And I'm sorry for those of you who have had to deal with the same thing, it stinks.

Part of the problem is that dh seems to have forgiven them with no obvious reason. He seemed kind of hurt but just started talking to them again like everything was cool. I think that he felt it "evened out" because SIL was mad at me and now I'm mad at her. So, I can't really do anything with him backing me because he doesn't. That is a whole other problem though, throughout our whole marriage we've had issues with him disregarding my feelings in favor of his sisters'.

Anyway, just venting on here has helped a little though I am still majorly pissed. As for the holidays, I've decided that the kids and I will be staying home (maybe going to my parents' house) and that dh can visit his family if he likes but he can't bring the kids. Even setting aside the fact that I don't want to see them because of this, I can't trust them around my kids even when I'm there. I have food allergies so am very careful with introducing foods. They don't respect that and are constantly trying to sneak the dc food that they aren't allowed to have for one reason or another. They see it as me being overprotective even though older ds already has 2 food allergies and a few sensitivites (rashes and stuff) to some other foods. Anyway, since I can't trust them when I'm there I'm definitely not sending my dc over there unattended (dh is kind of oblivious about reactions, he might not catch it soon enough). So, right now avoidance is my decision Thanks again for the replies!