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Am I the only lesbian on the planet who does NOT want a relationship?

post #1 of 10
10/23/05 at 1:22pm
Thread Starter 
Just go ahead and tell me the truth. I'm always the exception to most stuff, for better or for worse.

No, I don't hate men or women. I don't think every lesbian is crazy (even though that belief has been tested ). I know there are wonderful people out there. I have an 8 yr old from hetero marriage. I'm aware, as people tell me all the time, how much easier parenting would be if I had a nice healthy relationship.

But, I don't want one! I'm just not relationship material. What's wrong with that!? And more importantly, why are other people more concerned about my singledom than I am? I don't even want to go out anymore because the inevitable question will pop up ("Are you involved") and the inevitable answer will be given ("No, and I want to stay that way") and the inevitable diatribe will be delivered. If one more person gives me another "encouragement" speech about my "soulmate" being out there somewhere, I'm going to . I could see if I complained about being single, but I don't. People feel the need to give me speeches, tell me where to look, try to introduce me, tell me what to do, etc. A former gay friend of mine even asked me why I was "paying the ugly tax." When I asked him what that was he said, "You know, pretty women don't have to pay for anything and here you are, staying to yourself, when you could have some woman, or man even, paying for everything!" So, apparently I'm the dumb one for paying my own way.

Why is it so hard for people to accept that a person can actually envision themselves not ever having a romantic partner, not desiring one (this is what gets them) and actually be happy?

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post #2 of 10
10/24/05 at 7:16am
I hear ya!

I'm not totally opposed to having a relationship someday, maybe, but not right now. I'm perfectly happy being single. ( I have been on dates here and there, but I'm just not into it right now).

It is strange how people can't seem to grasp the concept, and then when you say you don't WANT to meet anyone, they think you're lying, and deep down you really do. Umm...no, I really don't.

You're not crazy.
post #3 of 10
10/24/05 at 2:30pm
Thread Starter 
cmb123, this is where you and I are different- I don't EVER see myself in one, whereas you want one some day in the future. I think it's easier for people to accept that you want to be single RIGHT NOW versus FOREVER. You are so right in that they never believe you! I think they think if they harass me enough about the whole thing that the "truth" will eventually come out.

Well, I've been single for almost 5 years, I've been sticking with the same story, and after 5 years they still won't let up. I, too, have dated here and there (I do have needs ) but the minute anything might start to progress, I'm out! I always tell everyone I date where I stand so there are never any surprises. Inevitably, most people think they can change you so things usually end on a not-so-good note. At this point, I don't even date, and when "needs" arise, I deal with them myself. It is no longer worth the drama.

I know that most human beings on earth need to pair bond, it's natural, we are not a species that was meant to be alone. But, there are always exceptions to the rule and I guess, I just might be the only one
post #4 of 10
10/24/05 at 3:52pm
Well I count myself as bisexual, but that's really just theoretical at this point

I've been celibate for 5 years now and plan on staying that way! I really don't see myself in a relationship AT ALL. I've just started telling my friends that I'm not interested in a relationship right now...and just not bring up the fact that I may never be interested in a relationship. Permant singledom is just beyond most people's comprehension so I just let it go. A couple of my close friends are starting to get the picture...but they still from time to time ask in awe and confusion "never?"
post #5 of 10
10/25/05 at 8:53pm
Thread Starter 
Medusa,

Yes, that "not right now" will work for a while. After a year, people have decided that the "future" is here so then comes the other speeches!
post #6 of 10
10/26/05 at 1:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ebony
Medusa,

Yes, that "not right now" will work for a while. After a year, people have decided that the "future" is here so then comes the other speeches!
My friends must just be slower than yours ebony...
post #7 of 10
1/2/06 at 9:55pm
ebony,

I am struggling with that position right now myself. The last week or so has been trying because I am coming to accept that I might never meet anyone...male or female (and I've had serious relationships with both.)

DS is my main priority and by taking time away from him at this point (he's 2 1/2) I feel like I wouldn't be doing what's best for him.

Yes, I have needs and occasionally (once or twice per year) I have them met, but like you, things usually end badly.

I am coming close to swearing off men, but experience tells me women can be just as f*cked up.

All this to say that I am going through a process of acceptance and I hope to be proud to be single one day...I'm just not there yet.
post #8 of 10
1/2/06 at 10:04pm
Quote:
Why is it so hard for people to accept that a person can actually envision themselves not ever having a romantic partner, not desiring one (this is what gets them) and actually be happy?
Sorry to get all up in your kool-aid, but I had to respond with some support...

I have a friend (no, I'm not the friend ) who is exactly like you in this respect. She jokingly calls herself "asexual" when anyone inquires of her sexuality (she identifies as bi)...She is perfectly happy without a romantic relationship...her life is very full, she is happy, she has good friends...etc... sure, if she did meet that "soul mate" it isn't as if she would intentionally NOT get to know them or date them... but she certainly isn't looking and is perfectly happy being single...

I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all (I'm sure you can sleep better knowing that )

Who's business is it anyway? I mean, I am sure most people are well intentioned, but if you are happy, that is all that matters!

I would rather be single and happy than in some relationship and miserable just to say I am "in a relationship" ya know?
post #9 of 10
1/26/06 at 11:59am
Happily bisexual, single and celibate here (6 or 7 years), and no plans to change. My life is full, and I can't imagine any other person joining without creating major upheaval. I grew up with several successfully single women role models in the family, so it doesn't look weird to me, but it does take some talking to convince friends that this is a dandy life-choice I have made, not an oversight on my part.
post #10 of 10
2/3/06 at 3:40am
Celibate going on fifteen years here, although I did have a romantic but not sexual long distance relationship end last July after five years.

I deeply regret the time and energy it took away from my kids and am enormously relieved that it is over and didn't progress any further than it did.

I have no desire whatsoever to become involved in another relationship.
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Life as a Parent › Queer Parenting › Am I the only lesbian on the planet who does NOT want a relationship?