I wouldn't say that I felt raped, or violated, or anything of that type - my situation is a little different I guess. I was under the care of a busy OB group, was basically uneducated on natural birth, did not take care of myself, developed pre-eclampsia at 38 weeks and had a miserable induction that failed. My body was not ready to have the baby, and they gave me cervidil, pitocin, I had 2 epidurals that neither took right, I was on Magnesium IV for the pre-eclampsia (that can be kinda mind altering and make you sick too), I was puking my guts up and felt like I was gonna die for 18 hours. When they suggested the c/s (my water had been broken by them 12 hours before) my exact words were "if I ever DID dilate to 10 I would die before I could push this baby out because I feel so horrible". I am a surgical ICU nurse and was well prepared for the surgery, I was not afraid of the surgical process/OR whatever. Maybe because I am comfortable in OR's, I didn't have that issue. When I was prepped for surgery, the 3rd epidural hit like a spinal and I almost stopped breathing. I also lost alot of blood. They had to turn off the pain medication to the epidural and I felt them closing my incision. It hurt like anything. Then I was sick and groggy for 24 hours and didn't even touch the baby, even tho I wanted to nurse. Of course wound up with latch/nursing problems becuase of that but nursed him until he was 2 anyway LOL... but back to c/s, then I had terrible fevers for 4 days, to 104, no medical reason could be found. I went home on day 5 and it was like the minute I walked in my home things were 1000 times better. I recovered extremely quickly, sent away my help, was doing laundry etc in a week. Very little incisional pain. My pain was with nursing.
My feelings about the c/s are related to they physical discomfort and sickness I felt before and after the surgery, because I felt like I was gonna die. I never had real labor, the way I feel now is "why did they even bother to induce, I was not ready, they could have just scheduled a c/s and saved the agony of the induction and post-op period".
Anyway, this time, I am attempting a VBAC with a CNM group in hospital, a fairly open minded hospital and a group I have heard wonderful things about and have done things like waterbirth in hospital, it is the closest I will get to homebirth. Being under their care has been bittersweet, because I feel cared for as a person, as a woman. I was a number at the other place, I didn't know any better. Do you think, as a mother going into pregnancy, overweight, stressful job, poor eating habits, borderline high BP, anybody would have said "work less, eat better, eat lots of protein, it is very important ?" Never a word uttered about nutrition, just as an example. I love my current group of midwives. I am so happy I made this decision. But it has led me to alot of hindsight things, what ifs, what could have been's. But I can't change it.
I am prepared for another c/s if I need it. NEED. I feel I have had my eyes wide open this whole preg, and know the benefits / risks of things. I took Bradley classes. I have been healthy. I feel so much better, my outlook is different. I don't know if I answered your questions. The other issue I have is that I feel like I just want to know that I can have a natural, non medicated birth, to prove to myself I can. I want to learn about myself, my strength. I don't feel less of a mom, less of a woman, because I didn't have a vaginal birth. I see if like a rite of passage i missed. And if I have a c/s again, I think I will be MORE depressed this time becaus I am looking forward to what "could have been" and don't want to miss my chance to have experienced my birth. But moreso, I just want a healthy baby and a healthy mom.
thanks for asking.
ANd I didn't get nothing but a glimpse of my baby girl until almost 30 HOURS later.I am still emotionally scarred over losing that bonding with her those first few moments AB.
:
