Arg. Pre-partum depression ? (long. Please read anyway)

[zipworth]

Hello everyone, this is the first time I have posted in this forum, although I have suffered from depression pretty much my entire life.

After trying almost everything (yoga;diet changes; cognitive therapy;St. John's wort; running up to 10 miles a day; self-help program, etc.) I couldn't take it anymore and went on Paxil. I has literally changed my life, I think I am the ideal person for Paxil because I had very little side effects and I felt like a real person for the first time!

During my pregnancy with DS, I had a lot of back pain, but no symptoms of depression or anxiety during my pregnancy, and very little blues afterwards. I remained on paxil and I felt good.

I got pregnant this last March, and was extremely happy. I stayed on Paxil after weighing the cost/benefits. However, by January my depression returned. I read about pre-partum depression and I felt that is what I had. I discussed it with my doctor and she wanted to double my dose of Paxil. I decided to try other things first. I increased my intake of omega 3's and gradually started to feel better again.

Now it's back! This time in the form of nagging anxiety. You see, I have two friends who used to live very far away, (one in England, the other in Minnesota) and they both have moved back here. I haven't really maintained the friendship with them while they were away. Now they are back and both want to rekindle our friendship. I have been stressing about this for days, and procrastinating about returning their calls. I have been berating myself for not getting it over with and just calling them. I am obsessing that they want to come see my new house, but I am 7 months pregnant with sciatic nerve issues and my house is a mess with my little toddler undoing any work I am so slowly able to do. I don't have a car right now, and I just don't have the mental energy to make arrangements to go see them. Every day I say, tomorrow I will call.....and I never do. I feel like a terrible person.

I am a person who has always liked having one or two good friends. And I have that. The friends I have now don't get offended if I don't call them, and they are low maintenance and I have had strong, close relationships with them for years. I feel so stressed out about this new development and I know I am not reacting normally. At night, I sit and think about how I hate it that our family scrapes by financially, and then I start to feel sorry for myself. I have a lot to be thankful for but somehow I can't see it.

I really don't want to double my meds, I don't really want to be on them in the first place yk? I am megadosing on omega 3s and I take 20 mgs of paxil a day. I would love to do more exercise but the weather has been cold and rainy.

If you have read this far, I thank you for putting up with my ramblings. I want advice from anyone who will give it. I am worried I will get worse after the baby is born.

I don't want to call back my old friends! I just want people to leave me alone! Am I crazy? I feel like I am acting that way. I am introverted by nature and i feel my mental energy just sucked out the window when I have to chat and make small talk sometimes. And than other times I am a total charmer. Towards the end of my pregnancy I feel the need to withdraw inwardly and I feel like my friends request to socialize is very intrusive. But I am not dealing with it well. Blech.

[Danielsmom]

Hugs to you, mama. Sounds like you are busy with the toddler and being 7 months pregnant too!

I understand that "inward" impulse towards the end of the pregnancy. And you shouldn't call your friends just because youare concerned about what they think. Having said that, what was your friendship with them like before they moved away? Are they kindred spirits? Did you enjoy their company? IF not, I wouldn't bother. But if they were good friends to hang with, then what is the worst that could happen if you renewed the friendship?

I know I get frustrated when I reach out to friends and they don't return my phone calls. OR family members for that matter. I'm an odd mix of introvert-(initially reserved)-extrovert--love social outings with people I am comfortable with. So I understand the feelings of stress you are having (I tend to have this with newer aquaintances/friendships) but I also would be psyched at the thought of renewing some friendships at a time when you're getting ready to welcome new life.

It might be kind, if you decide not to call them, to write them a note and say you've been busy (true) but hope to communicate with them as soon as you can or are able.

[newcastlemama]

Wow! We must all have the same personalities! Sometimes it's hard to know if I am depressed and withdrawn or if I am going through a time-alone phase....small talk WEARS me too!

I really didn't want to up my meds either (I take effexor) but I finally decided that I wanted to be myself and enjoy life.I too try the best I can with other methods of dealing with depression, then sometimes they just stop working. I heard this great program once saying that depression is something that is managed throughout our lives. If we suffer from it we need to see th dr, balance our meds, excerise, eat right, get enough sleep ect. I used to see all this stuff as personal weaknesses, but if that's what I have to do to be well, that what I do.

Many of us here know what you are going through...we are glad you came. With the calling friends thing..can you email them? You can also call and just tell them your tired (I had siatica too...ouchie!!) and have back pain. Maybe once you take the first step and call you might feel like talking/spending more time with them.

If you are worried about it getting worse after baby, then keep in close contact with your dr. Also tell people how you really feel. It was so hard for me to call my mom sometimes and say she had to come pick me and the baby up (I would even sleep at my mommy's with dh! I still have little sisters at home, so my mom can't leave) It helped get me through the really BAD times though........Prayers, Jennifer You can always PM me!

[zipworth]

Thanks it means a lot to me that you responded to my post.

Natalie

[AmyC08]

Hi! No, you're not crazy! First I'd like to say that Paxil was ideal for me before pregnancy, and I've gone on and off it several times. I went off it when I got pregnant, but just yesterday (I'm almost 28 weeks pregnant) I saw my doctor and said I needed to be back on something, so she put me on Zoloft. It was such a relief to say I needed something and to hear that it would be okay to take.

Talk to your doctor. They know the risks of these drugs. You sound a lot like me with the worry and not wanting to talk to people, and (although you're not crazy) you're not thinking as rationally as you could be right now, and that's just hurting you. It's the depression and it's not worth it to feel like that! If you need to go on a higher dose, that's what you need. Maybe it will only be temporary and then you can drop back down!

Good luck!

[newcastlemama]

On what Amy said...I was so irrational when I went to the dr the first time I just had my husband make all the decisions for me with my OB and had to try and trust them....if you feel scared you could bring someone with to help you make decisions...it was hard for me to decide ANYTHING when I was depressed....

[zipworth]

IF I do decide to double my meds, should I wait until after the baby is born to do so? I guess I could talk to my doctor about it, but she thinks Paxil is the safest thing on earth! I just don't want my poor babe to be bombarded with more mood altering drugs. I am almost at the end of my pregnancy.....and it is not unbearable yet.

Thank you again for your responses. Writing these posts and reading your replies has been very cathartic.

[newcastlemama]

It is really a cost/benefit of if you should raise your meds....I don't know that much about paxil but I take effexor (and ssri, I think paxil is too) and my dr said that the baby would be fine if I unexpectantly got preg now (I am on 225 mg) He said he would rather have me on 150mg before I get preg on purpose.......sometimes I am able to find studies on the internet (the ones that are in medical journals) about preg and bf during antidepressant use, those have been very encouraging that they have found no relationship between major problems with the baby (birth defects ect) and and SSRI use. The problem there was though, is that the baby can have withdrawl after it is born (I wonder is nursing keeps this from happening? They didn't say.I would think it would lessen the withdrawl)

If it was me, I would tell my dr how I have been feeling and then discuss your options and the risk and benefits....I hope your anxiety leaves soon....it's a horrible thing to experience.... It's hard enough being preg and worrying about your baby without having to make difficult med decisions Take care, Jennifer

[BoxOfRainMama]

Hang in there mama, there is no way to know what life will be like after the baby comes. I strongly suggest trying to build up a support system now so you have it if you need it. With my 1st and 2nd child ante-partum turned into nasty ppd, but with my 3rd most of my depression symptoms were gone or less after my son was born. I am a FIRM believer in medication when needed. and it sounds like paxil is working for you so I would stick with it. Ask your doctor to do a blood level check, they can tell if you should raise your dose or not by that. After your child is born you can do routine blood levels on the baby (I know needles suck, but its a good wan to affirm that you are making the right choice if the baby has no trace of the med in its blood.... or make the choice to lower if it does show trace.) I have to take a very large dose of the medication I am on because of the way my body processes it, it works like a normal size dose.... medication is so tricky! I think its wonderful you found one that works for you...the dose is now the challenge it sounds.

Take care mama,
Pam

[zipworth]

nak.

hmmmm......things to ponder for my next appointment.

thank you again for all your insight.

natalie