Scary thoughts in PPD

[Gale Force]

The issue of scary and uncontrollable thoughts has come up around and about. I thought it was a really good topic for its own thread since most of us think we are alone in this issue.

No one has to respond, I just thought I'd throw this out there.

This is soemthing I wrote elsewhere in response to the issue of having visions that you would hurt your children:

This is a very common symptom in PPD, particularly with obsessive compulsive disorder. But the deaths you hear about in the news are usually women suffering from postpartum psychosis. The big difference between us and women with PPP is that we know that these visions are wrong and not us. I can't tell you how many times I had visions of dropping or throwing my son, or my own death or mutation in various ways. So, the fact that you know it's wrong even though you are thinking it is a very good sign.

[Gale Force]

I'm writing up my PPD story and came across another example. I'm the copyright holder:

I had a very calm exterior but I was fighting demons in the last week of my pregnancy. I panicked in the days before the birth that I would be giving birth to some decrepit creature. I tried to remind myself that I had an ultrasound that showed a baby growing in my womb, not a freak of nature. If I had a developing monster inside of me, surely the ultrasound would have shown some evidence. The ultrasound showed arms and legs and hands and feet and a face. All major human organs were present and accounted for. The medical evidence that I was growing a baby was pretty convincing. But I was not rational, not inside my head in those last days. I had to talk myself down from worrying about this monster I was birthing. I just kept telling myself that I would love the baby regardless of what he or she (or it) looked like.

[Gale Force]

Fears of death from my writing (my copyright):

I did not have thoughts of suicide in these days, but I did become rather obsessed with my own death and upset by my thoughts. Quite often in my down-swings I wondered if I would be killed as I drove downtown or walked across the street. My own reaction to my thoughts varied from “good, let’s get it over with” to vivid images of how my death might come.

I became very concerned about how my family would care for Frederick after my death. After going through the breastfeeding struggles, he was exclusively breastfed from about 6 weeks on. At about 4 months old I tried to introduce a bottle just so that we would have options. What if I was not around to feed Frederick? At that time the depression was not severe, but in retrospect, I realize what event I was planning for in introducing the bottle. Sure, we might need options when I was out for a business meeting, but my schedule was flexible. This business meeting concern was not a real one. I was really planning for my own death in trying to introduce that bottle. The depression was not bad at that time, but it clearly had never really disappeared in those few months postpartum where we were too concerned with Frederick’s feeding to worry about my mental health. And Frederick, the wise child that he is, refused to take the bottle. He found the plastic nipple an oddity.

Without alternative feeding options, I obsessed in my dark days about how Frederick would be fed when I was gone. I pictured my mom and Sander sitting up with him at night while he cried and how difficult it would be for them to explain to him – an infant – that his mama was gone and would not be coming back.

In all of my days, depressed and not, my rational side always tries to respond to my irrational thoughts. If the thoughts are unlikely, my rational side can talk my irrational side out of the thoughts. In these dark days, my rational side worked to put myself at ease in its analysis of my death:

“Death is not very likely and if it comes, that’s not really the worst case for the family, so you shouldn’t worry too much about that. What you should worry about is if you are critically wounded and can’t care for yourself or Frederick, then Sander and mom will have to care for you both. But unless your breasts are amputated or burned, Frederick will still be able to breastfeed even if you are in a coma.”

My obsessive-compulsive side ran related visions in my head of losing my breasts or of hospital staff rolling my comatose body to the other side and moving Frederick to that he could nurse on the other breast. I wondered how he would feel about me when I was non-responsive and in a coma. Would he understand that I still loved him even if I could not speak to him, look at him, or hold him? Clearly, my “rational” side did not always do me any favors.

In this period, Frederick’s godmother Jan who is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and head of a county mental health agency, asked me how I was feeling. She asked me generally “What is your worst fear with this depression?” I explained that I was worried that I would end up in an institution and Frederick would be taken away from me. (At the moment I apparently was not concerned about death as the worst outcome.) Jan began to talk with me about medication.

[Gale Force]

It's hard to write or talk about these things when you're in the middle of it. Reading these stories still makes me cry even though I am much better. But I want you all to know that you are not alone and it gets better.

Feel free to add if you are ready.

[newcastlemama]

I had PPP and I had mostly thoughts of me dying or my baby dying (not at my hands though) I really thought that God was coming to take me home. If someoone could distract me long enough I would start to feel okay but usually only 5 minutes at a time. I had so much paranoia that I could not make good decisions..Thank God I feel clear-headed now!!!

[shell024]

when driving around the cliff (with the ocean beneath it) on the way to my house, i see myself making a wrong swerve and just driving off into my death. or i worry about other cars hitting me and smashing right into ds in the back.

[Gale Force]

For me, PPD was on-going torment.

[BabyBumblebee]

I find that my day-to-day life is filled with the ongoing prescence of worst case scenarios....all of the 'what ifs' keep running through my brain - and that's even with the Lexapro. I think it's my way of reacting to the overwhelming love that I feel for my little one, and the ongoing fear that I somehow don't deserve this child

It's a lot better now, but for the first few months it was all consuming; I *knew* that I would not hurt her, but I couldn't stop worrying that I would not be able to protect her from everything around her. I would close my eyes, and all I could see was despair and fear, and the most horrifying images. I was so scared that I was losing my mind, and that if I told anyone dd would be taken away from me.

[newcastlemama]

Babybumblebee and all mamas

I am so appreciative of the honesty happening on these boards...they are really helping me heal and know that I was not/am not alone in this....

[Yummymummy74]

Originally Posted by Gale Force

For me, PPD was on-going torment.

...

[BabyHoosier]

I will say that I most definitely had the invasive and awful thoughts- "What if I go crazy and__________" (insert whatever, I can guarantee you I thought it), and "OMG, I'm thinking that I wish she'd go away (she had colic for three months straight, at least 6 hours a day, EVERY DAY), I must not love her!"
I went to a therapist, but didn't find her to be all that helpful. I eventually scheduled myself an appointment with a psychiatrist, at about 6 months pp. She put me on Zoloft, and it has been a lifesaver. I remember telling her that I wanted to ENJOY my daughter's life, and I would do whatever it took to do so. I was also scared that my doc would think I was crazy and take my kid away. She smiled at me gently and told me no way, this was just part of PPD.

About eight months ago, she upped my Zoloft and all of the PPD went away. No more obsessing, no more bad thoughts, not even occasionally.

While I do agree that sometimes meds are handed out too quicky, I very much resent people who haven't been in a depression/had panic anxiety/OCD/PPD shouting out their mantra about how drs. only do it for the kickbacks from the pharmaceutical companies and overprescribe. Many, many people need them- and if it seems like a lot are on them, maybe it's time that we as a nation realize what a high percentage actually DOES need them.


Sorry, I got on a rant there!

[intensity_too]

My PPD was filled with these thoughts. Mine centered around hurting my son.

I had constant thoughts about throwing him on the floor and stomping on him. These were literally wanting to do it . . . it was very scary and they were thoughts that were very hard to controll. I thought of shaking him, throwing him out the window, throwing him on the floor, taking him somewhere and just leaving him, putting him outside in the cold . . .

The list could go on. My psychiatrist believes because of these thoughts I was suffering more from post-partum psychosis,

It was a frightening part of my life that I time still reliving.

[crazydiamond]

I have scary thoughts too. Mostly about hurting myself. . .from self-injury to suicide and everything in between. It takes all my might not to act on those thoughts.

But when I think about my sweet girl growing up without a mommy and hating me for what I "did", it makes me think. But then I think it would be better to kill her before I kill myself. But then my husband would be all alone. . .so then I think I should kill him too. And then I'd be known as the crazy woman who murdered her whole family. . .and I just don't want to be on the news like that.

That's not the only thing stopping me but some days I really struggle. Today, unfortunately, is one of them.