Introductions all around

[mrzmeg]

Yay-we have our own forum again! So that we can all be as supportive and tight-knit a community as possible, why don't we introduce ourselves?

I'm Melanie, mama to a three month old son. Soon after his birth, I began noticing that I felt very low, but I didn't really think I had PPD until a few weeks ago. What really made it apparant is that most of my family is distancing themselves from us. They ignore ds, don't seem concerned/interested about our lives, and just seem too busy with their own lives to take notice of ours. I just can't connect to them the way I was able to not so long ago. Family has always been important to me and I feel like they look down on me for having a child so young (I'm 20). I think I buy into this some; I've been wishing that we hadn't gotten pregnant.
This week I've realized that some of my depression comes from lack of a supportive community (hence, beginning the thread calling for the return of this forum). With the support of DH, I've decided to go back to college (I took a semester off, halfway through, to birth DS). It will be hard in a lot of ways to know I won't be everpresent anymore, but I am really looking forward to getting out -- the first thing I've looked forward to since DS' birth.

I hope that we can all get to know each other here and be each others' support systems .

Melanie

[Mom2Abaigeal]

My name is Erin and I have a almost 4 month old daughter. I felt really great for about the first month then things started to get rough after that. Part of it is I feel very isolated here because I have not found any other moms my age (I turned 24 five days after dd was born) or any who follow AP.

Erin

[Foobar]

Hi:
I am not AP, but I like these boards so I like to lurk and post here.

You can call me Foo. I am a high anxiety, depressive person by nature. I've been changing over the last 10 years with my wonderful DH, but we went through 2 years of fertility issues to have my beautiful dd. We had to revert to injections and IUI to do this.

She was wonderful when born and I had a terrible delivery. I wanted to BF, but I got terrible support at the hospital (they were pushing bf so hard at my hospital and acted as if it would suddenly "work"). My depressive side took over and I had to switch to formula because I was afraid at how I was thinking.

At about 3 months, I realized that something was wrong. I was having a terrible time enjoying things, I was panicking over stupid stuff and all around not happy. I spoke to my endocronologist (I have hypothryroidism) and he had me seen immediately. I know from past experiences (the thyroid, and the fertility) that my body is sensitive to hormones and suppliments. We talked about it and decided that it appears to be hormonal and I started a med.

I couldn't stand the person I was assigned to, so I called my fertility doc and they sent me to someone else who is wonderful.

I talk this out, but it kills me when people tell me "you have such a perfect child (she's incredibly mild mannered)" Somedays, I feel I can't handle the mom thing and it feels like no one understands. I just want to curl up and run away some times.

I've been better with the meds and acknowledging that there is a physical reason for this. But some days are HARD. We tried so long and did so much to have her and I just feel terrible when I have those days I want to run away.

OK- I've babbled enough.

editted to add- Oh I forgot to add since the sigs are disabled, my dd is 5.5 months old.

[Aurora]

Hello everyone!

I had ppd pretty bad after my dd was born. She is my second child and 3 now. I so wish I had had a place like this to talk with other mamas!

I wish you all peace and I hope you can find strength here together.

[shematrix]

Hi. I'm Brenda. Working my way through my second round of ppd. With my first it hit much quicker and harder than this time around. My youngest was about 4 months old before I realized the depression had snuck back up on me. It took me a few more months to finally go talk to my dr. about it. He is a wonderful mainstream type OB but very supportive. He put me on Celexa 20 mg daily. I take that and try to eat healthy and get in daily exercise. Yoga and mediation are comforting for me too. I am feeling better but it has taken awhile. Some days are better than others of course. I'm so glad that we have this forum back!!

Strength to you all.

Brenda
Ashley(8)
Sarah(13months)
Wife to Scott(9 years)

[kerikadi]

Hi there,
My name is Keri. DD is 6.5 months old. I had PPD after my first was born 10 years ago. I didn't suffer much at all with #2 and with #3 it is different. I don't feel depressed per se but am having a hard time with the demands of motherhood this time around. DD is high needs and very demanding. She is exclusively breastfed, she doesn't nap, or I should say rarely as she naps about every 10 days or so. She gets up during the night which is ok except that after nursing she screams and cries for hours. I don't get much sleep, I don't get any breaks and am under a great deal of stress. I am starting a WAH business which is much more difficult and stressful that I ever thought it would be.
Sometimes I wish DD wasn't here. I have 2 beautiful sons that were great babies, not without trial but not overly demanding. She is different - at times I feel like she is taking so much from me and never giving anything in return. She isn't happy, she cries a lot and demands my constant attention. It wasn't until this week that I realized I am becoming depressed over the situation. My DD is healthy and for that I am thankful. I have to realize that this is the hand I was delt and need to learn to deal with her. DH has been very supportive but wants to start giving food or formula so that I can take a break. I won't do forumula, she won't even take expressed breastmilk from a bottle or cup and I wasn't quite ready to start giving her food.
Ok, I'm sorry, I'm rambling, this was just supposed to be an introduction.
So glad this board is back!
Keri
Mom to Kerianne 6.5 mo, Brendan 7.5, Cory 10

[ekblad9]

Hi, I'm Amy. My fifth baby was born five weeks ago. I had PPD with my second but had no friends and no forum like this. I was suspicious that I had PPD a couple weeks after ds3 was born but then we had the holidays and I was surrounded by family, dh was home for a week, and I thought I felt better. Now that the pressures of everyday life are back I'm starting to feel trapped and depressed again. My other kids ages are 10, 6, 4, and 2. My 2 year old is very high needs and is still nursing several times/day. I am also homeschooling (which I love) but it comes with it's only set of challenges. I dread it whenever we have to go anywhere or do anything. I basically would like to stay in bed all day but know that's not possible. I sometimes don't answer the phone and don't even check my voicemail. I kind of just avoid people in general. At first I was obsessive/compulsive about the house and keeping everything just so. Now I've gone the complete opposite and have let everything go.

I'm so glad we have this forum back. I hope we can continue to listen to and support eachother.

[pegmom]

Thanks for bringing this forum back! I am sure that so many women of my mother's and grandmother's generations suffered with PPD but had no support. It helps so much to know that you are not alone. I started to have anxiety issues as well as depression when my baby was about ten months old. It was so hard because I thought everything was going so well and I felt like such a failure. In retrospect, there were many things that led up to it that I just let slide. Like any other illness, depression and anxiety require some forms of preventative "medicine": resting, exercise, eating right, getting out of the house and having some sort of social interaction on a regular basis. I am feeling better at this point, but am still shaken by the experience.

[Jish]

Hi, gals. I have diagnosed clinical depression which I think began as late onset PPD when my second son was about a year old. Sleep deprivation can do terrible things to a person.

I had a horrible year leading up to a six day hospitalization in September. Anxiety is a HUGE part of my disease. I hate it. It all revolves around my health. Yes, my name is Beth, and I am a hypochondriac. I am on 10 mg of Lexapro daily, and Lorazapam (Ativan) as needed. My boys are now 4 1/2 and 2 and it is so nice to be able to enjoy them. I think that depression is going to be something I will deal with for many years to come since I have a very strong genetic link and several women in my family, including my mom and grandmother, suffer from it also.

I too lobbied to give PPD it's own space and am glad it's back. I look forward to getting and receiving support.

Beth

[mamamoo]

Hi,
I'm Debi. I'm 25 and momma to three beautiful kiddos. I work part-time, sometimes at home, sometimes at work.
Ds#1 is five, dd will be 4 in March, and Ds#2 is just five weeks old.
I have suffered from depression in general for a very long time and also have a family history, but after my 2nd child I instantly had problems...I didn't want to hold her, I couldn't believe I even gave birth to her. If she had of been my first I probably would not have nursed. I finally got on meds and was on a huge rollercoaster after that. I started volunteering with a local non-profit, and got off my meds. I had lots of support with LLL and a playgroup, and felt sooo good!!
When I had ds2 I thought for sure I had excaped PPD, but right at the 2 weeks mark all of a sudden I was picturing myself leaving(and not coming back), I was having horrible fantasies, and telling dh to buy formula. I really though the ppd with #2 was from lack of support, and a disappointing birth. I homebirthed ds2 in water, had tons of support...I feel so bad, I can picture the way I want things to be but just can't do it.
I have been taking this herbal female balancing formula for a little over 3 weeks now. It initially worked, but I feel like I've built up a tolerance to it or something. The despair is back, and I have to go to work in the morning. I just want to lay in bed and sleep.

Okay more of a life story than an intro, oh well!! That's me

[kerikadi]

Mamamoo,
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this again. I am awake as well and saw your post so I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have also had bad thoughts and have had moments I wished DD was never born. Just a few days ago I said in front of DH that I wondered if I would ever 'like' DD. Fortunately for us the last 3 days have been much better. I'm not a Bible beater but I think when I had had enough I just talked out loud to God and asked for help and as I said the last few days have been better. Tomorrow is another work day so DH won't be here and the boys go back to school Tuesday so we'll see how things go. I find that just keeping busy and having a schedule in my head helps sometimes. Even if I'm just planning on going to the grocery store and treating myself to expensive flavored coffee.
Take care of yourself, I am thinking of you.
Keri

[pegmom]

jbcjmom-Anxiety is also a major componant of my depression. I just wanted to let you know that reading your posts in the past helped me through some very hard times. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Jish]

Pegsmom, PM me sometime. I don't know anyone personally who has to deal with the overwheming anxiety and would love to talk. It gets me down.

I'm glad my posts have helped you. I never dreamed that I would suffer from depression and anxiety and no one who knows me would have thought it either. That's why I have been so vocal here and IRL about my experience. If I suffer, I know there must be many out there who do and don't realize it. Even from my symptoms I didn't see it. So many of them were physical. I never dreamed when we went to the ER that fateful night that I would be diagnosed with depression.

[JesseMomme]

5

[mama2girls]

Me, too :)

Hi, My name is Jenni and I have ppd. Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? I have two dd's 2 1/2 yo and 5 months.

I was diagnosed with ppd when dd#1 was 4 mo old. I felt like it couldn't happen to me--after all she was a perfect baby! She was a good nurser, good sleeper, cheerful disposition, etc. About the same time that I attended a ppd support group in my hometown, my dh admitted that he had been looking at ppd online and was going to try and convince me to seek medical attention had I not decided to do it myself. What a guy!! Since I had been in counseling in hs and college (for typical teen girl depressive issues), I guessed that that would not work this time. My dr and the psych nurse recommended paxil for me and I was on 10 mg until about halfway through pg with dd#2.

Then I upped my dosage. Is it hormonal or what? All of a sudden I felt like I was out of control again. (Perhaps that explains my tendency to want to lash out at my spirited 2 1/2 yo?). Now I take 15mg and it seems to be working fine.

I have taken Paxil through a pg and two bfing experiences. I also participated in a bfing and antidepressants study with dd#1 and would be happy to share those experiences as well.

I, too, probably would have given up bfing dd#1 had it not been for a local bfing support group (with charter member jbcjmom) that I attended weekly. It helps to know that you are not alone.

Now for the scary part: I hope that this IS the antidepressant talking. I fell in love with dd#2 so much faster than #1. I have a bond with her like I never had with #1. And she is/was excatly the opposite--up at night, still, won't take a bottle, cheerful now, but was a grump of a newborn, etc.

Glad I have found you all!
Jenni

Edited to add that I shared the bfing and ad study info here:bfing study

[Jish]

Welcome Jen, I was hoping you would show up. I always talk about you, but it's much more convenient if you are actually around.

[Kirsten]

I am 33, married 10 years, two kids (dd1 is six and dd2 is two) and #3 on the way, due in May. First baby was a dream and I had no issues at all. Second baby was colicky, screamed unless she was nursing or sleeping, and would not sleep (usually slept 4 or 5 hours out of each 24 - seems impossible but true). I had PPD with her. So out of character for me as I am usually very upbeat and optimistic and outgoing. I was miserable, told dh constantly how miserable I was, thought we had ruined our "nice family" by adding another baby, then terrible guilt for feeling that. I agree with the post who said that sleep deprivation can do terrible things to a person. I was not myself at all. Am not a medicine girl and just could not bring myself to take the drugs that dh desperately wanted me to.
We just muddled through. Dh was wonderful and got up each night with her so I could sleep (while holding down his regular 8 to 5 job) for months! Going out with a friend or scrapbooking or listening to music - anything I previously enjoyed - helped me. It didn't sound fun at the time but I just did it anyway and pretty soon I felt a little more like myself. PPD lifted when colic went away.
I am hoping to avoid PPD with baby #3 but if it comes, at least I know we can make it through it.
Please, anyone going through this right now, don't worry that you won't love or bond with your PPD baby! I almost love dd2 more for all that we went through together! She is the sweetest thing and we are all back to our old happy selves now.
Kirsten

[2girlsmom]

Hi everyone. My name is Rachel and I have 2 daughters 12mo and 2 1/2 yrs. I had PPD with my first and was very scared that it would happen again after the birth of #2 but instead I felt great and had no problems. Then when dd#2 was 8 months old it crept back in and there I was very overwhelmed and very anxious and unhappy. The first time I had PPD I was too ashamed to tell anyone and felt like such a failure as a mother, woman and wife. I didn't want to suffer like that again so I called my midwife after a couple weeks of feeling really bad and she prescribed Paxil. I am feeling much better now.

I am very glad to be part of this forum and hope we can all help each other cope and see ourselves through!!