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Post your negative VBAC failure stories here - Page 2

post #21 of 109
Well, here's my story. I totally don't feel like a failure at all, infact I feel really great, I have a healthy baby boy and I was able to labor naturally, and make all my own decisions. However my VBAC did not work out. I hope my story can encourage those of you who also have repeat sections.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=389984
post #22 of 109
This thread is a huge sigh of relief.

I made all the "right" choices and still ended up with c-sections!

My dd was a planned homebirth, no blood work no testing ... nothing!
I haad a wonderful healthy pregnancy. I was laboring at home for 24 hours + but dd was posterior annd would not budge, and my midwife could not get her to turn. I was pushing for countless hours and showing signs ofdehydration. My midwife suggested transport which she would not have if not necesary.
They were going to give me an epidural to allow me to relax and the swelling to go down but my white blood cell count was too high. I ended up with a c-section under general anesthesia. I wasn't even there when she was born (sigh!) But still I was so very proud of the labor and what I accomplished at home and it is a source of pride that I have done it!

I found out I was prego in May '05 and was planning HBAC wiiith the same midwife...until twins! My midwife wanted me to birth where she lives (3 hours away) Her backup was not covered under my insurance so I decided to quest for an OB. I found an amzing OB w/ 2 midwives supportive of VBAC with twins, very rare here in the midwest. (I'm from NY and lived in Oregon ffor awhile so this is conservaative birth land!)

Well, everything looked wonderful until they were presenting both breech. The OB would have deliverd baby B breech but not A. And I had signs of early labor 2 months. They were born 6 weeks early and by c-section.
i am OK with my decision because they did have problems when they were born and my midwife would not have delivered both breech either. I just feel like I have the WORST LUCK in the world. After my c-section the OB said I had a significantly thin spot on my uterus and a VBAC for the next was questionable, not impossible though.
Will I ever have my homebirth? Will it be OK to never know what it's like to give birth vaginally,how I was created to? These quesstions are on my mind whenever I think of my births. At least I know I have made decisions and the c-sections were notthe result of other people and there agendas.
I feel when I talk to homebirthers and my births are questioned I feel the judgement of them without them really knowing my story.

There are reasons for c-sections!!! And it is not always our FAULT!

Sorrry for the venting but I can't very well have these conversaations with my homebirth friends. This has really helped thank you for all your stories!

namaste
DAna
post #23 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by ccohenou
You know, I titled the post the way I did as a parallel and a response to "Post your positive VBAC success stories here." I was responding to the way that line made me, who had a CBAC, feel. I don't think I'm a failure and I don't think anyone else is either.

I totally got that & I agree- I was looking for a place to post my CBAC story & the "positive VBAC" thread was obviously not the right place. Although I agree that all CBAC stories are NOT failures, I think many of us feel that ours are simply because we wanted VBAC sooo badly & a lot of us feel that we SHOULD have been able to achieve it but we didn't for various reasons. I think this is a very therapeutic thread & I thank you for starting it.
post #24 of 109
Thank you so much for this thread. I think it is so important for us to be able to share our stories with others who understand where we're coming from. It is really healing, and I think we who have had such traumatic births (and face it, even if you PLANNED a C-section, it's still pretty traumatic) especially need this kind of support to process our birth experiences and to fully accept them for what they are- good or bad. So, here's my story.

My first son, Alex, was born C-section because of FTP after 40 hours of labor- 9 of it pitocin-induced & all of it other-drug free. He passed away at 17 hours old due to complications following an infection present before labor began and undetected until after his birth . While I had major issues about the c-section & his birth/death (of course), I was able to deal with them pretty effectively & we planned for a VBAC with our second son.
I began reading about VBACs a few months after Alex was born, and by the time my husband & I decided it was time to try again, almost 7 years later, I had read and researched and written college papers about natural childbirth and VBACs. I found the only hospital in the area with midwives who would take a VBAC (DH was totally opposed to home-birth, and I was scared, too). I took Hypnobabies classes to prepare for natural childbirth, and had a totally supportive family system (well, mostly). I hardly even considered the possibility of a second C-section. To me, that was the second most aweful thing that could happen (obviously, I had experienced the worst). Then, at 40 weeks & 2 days I went into labor. It was unlike the first labor- I wasn't sick, and while it was difficult, it was definately bearable. After 19 hours laboring at home, with contractions still erratic, but coming every 3-6 minutes, my midwife wanted me to come in. After the initial assessment, she told us that she was concerned about rupture (which really didn't scare me too bad- I've read the studies), and then she started talking about the possibility of an infection, and a repeat of the first outcome. The options we had were: stay at the hospital & labor it out- see what happened & risk a rupture or an infection. If I did that she said the doc wanted me to have an epidural so that if I ruptured & they had to do an emergency C-section I wouldn't be under general anesthesia. The thought of an epidural made me sick to my stomach. The other option was to go ahead and have the c-section, guaranteeing (well, upping the odds, anyway) of a healthy baby & mamma. Of course, signing myself out against doc's orders was also an option. I was ready to tell them to go to you-know-where, that I was going to have this baby without their stupid help. But DH, bless his heart, was extremely concerned. We talked about it alone for a while- and he told me that he was going home with both me and the baby this time no matter what it took. In the end, I guess they scared me/us into it. I don't know if the surgery was necessary or not- the doc said that everything looked great in there - so I probably would not have ruptured, and there was no infection, so that wasn't really a concern. I feel kinda duped. I guess I should have read more and had my resources on hand at the hospital to quote the stats or something. Even after all the planning I thought I'd done I still feel that I was kinda caught unprepared. What really did it, of course, was the threat of going home empty handed again. I know I could never have lived with myself if that had happened- especially when I could have prevented it. Oddly, they made me feel like wanting to avoid another c-section was the selfish thing to do, and not the safest thing for my baby. I don't know what I'll do next time. I'd still really like to know what it feels like to actually give birth. But after two times- failure to progress both times, I don't know if I will have enough confidence in my body to do what it was supposed to do to have my babies.

Anyway, although the experience was really terrible, the outcome was much happier this time. Nathan Macalister was born 7lbs., 6oz. and 20" on Christmas Eve. Although I still feel like I did not really "birth" him, he's mine and he's absolutely perfect.

If anybody actually got through all that, thanks for reading. This was very helpful to me to be able to share this experience with others who know. Love and hugs to all .
post #25 of 109
Thread Starter 
I'm glad the thread has gone the way it has and grateful to everyone who has shared their stories.
Mine is kind of long so you can read it here in the Birth Stories forum.
There is a CBAC support list that I have found really helpful, http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/CBACSupport
post #26 of 109
Thank you so much for sharing your stories. The range of feelings about CBAC experiences has been really helpful to me.

I'm really processing what happened in mine and thinking about whether I have any options at all if we decide to have a third.

Can I ask if any CBAC'ers feel that they would find a way to try for a VBA2C??


My story in brief: C with the first after 24 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing he didn't move past 0 station. He just wasn't budging -- I tried every position under the sun and was exhausted. He was posterior and slightly transverse. Very bad C experience, after the spinal numbed me from the waist up I stopped breathing and had to be ventilated and put under general. Didn't get my baby until 9 hours after his birth (after they bottle fed him and bathed him while I was waking up and begging for him, but was apparently not allowed to be on the same floor with him until I could move my legs and they could do some paperwork, etc...).

Determined to VBAC with the second. Went to best midwifery practice around, she has an incredible VBAC rate. Tried hypnosis to deal with last birth experience. Hired a great doula. Had a birth pool. Etc... Went post-dates by almost 2 weeks. Natural 16 hour labor, then got epidural because contractions were doubling up and they wouldn't let me back in the birth pool (I guess I was still around 4 at this point). After epi, my waters broke and there was a ton of meconium. As far as I know no stress on the baby, but I was progressing slowly and my midwife felt there was too much meconium (she said something never seening so much) and was afraid baby could inhale it. She told me I needed another C-section. I had never heard of meconium as a reason, but she said it was too much and I was progressing too slowly. Since her VBAC success rate is so high, I felt I should trust her judgement, she doesn't section easily. The C was much easier, I had an epi and they added drugs very slowly to bring the numbness up without hitting my lungs this time. He had to be ventilated a ton, but I got him 3 hours after birth and got to nurse him.

Now what? I've heard of a midwife who does homebirth here and will take a mom with multiple past sections. But I'm afraid I'll need another section and won't have a good setup for a backup physician (because it would have to be under the radar, technically you're not supposed to do VBA2C's). It's not even that I desperately want a vaginal birth, what I want is to know that if we do have another baby, that I can go into labor naturally and see how it goes -- I dont' want to schedule a C-section because I want the beneficial aspects of labor for the baby. But from talking to different OB's and midwifery practices, that looks unlikely.

Astoria
post #27 of 109
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post #28 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astoria

Can I ask if any CBAC'ers feel that they would find a way to try for a VBA2C??


what I want is to know that if we do have another baby, that I can go into labor naturally and see how it goes -- I dont' want to schedule a C-section because I want the beneficial aspects of labor for the baby. But from talking to different OB's and midwifery practices, that looks unlikely.

Astoria

Thanks for your story. I'm so sorry you had such a hard time, but glad you had two healthy babies. To answer your question, I definately still want to try for a VBA2C!! My husband isn't so sure, but I feel the same way you do about at least trying so the baby has the benefit of some labor. Basically, it comes down to: they can't FORCE you to have surgery! That sounds easy to say now- but all of us who have been "forced" into sections know that when they're in front of you threatening you with the life of your child it's much more difficult. But, I guess the best thing to do is research and plan as much as you can, and be ready for any eventuality. & good luck!
post #29 of 109
My 1st c-section took place April 2002 after an unmedicated labor and 4 hrs of pushing. He never decended past +1. Duncan came into this world weighing 9lbs 13 oz. I was very tramatized by the whole experience but didn't realize it till later. i was angry at myself for not adcovating for myself when I had "prepared" and educated myself prior to his birth and at the on call ob whom I felt did not really talk with us about our options (later I saw my chart and there was some quetionable and inaccurate documentation in there which may have resulted in him pushing the csection).

Here is Iain's birth story:

On Sunday Dec 14, 2003 I awoke around 2:30am suspecting that my water broke. Although I had no real leaking I had sufficient to belief that I had sprung a leak (hehehehe). I awoke DH and told him and then we both tried to go back to sleep. Shortly thereafter the contractions began. They were pretty steady at 7-8 minutes apart for several hrs. Around 4:30-5am, after not falling back to sleep, we decided to get up and shower as it was clear that out little guy was on his way. While in the shower my contractions became more intense and closer together, 5-6 minutes apart. Both DH and I got ready and started to get things organized to leave for the hospital. I called my midwives and doula at 5:45am, at which point my contractions were 3 minutes apart. We quickly got DS up and DH took him over to the neighbor’s house and we headed to the hospital. At this point I was having contractions every 2 minutes and they were very intense..nothing like the one’s I had with DS. We arrived at the hospital at 7am only to find out I was 5 cm, 80% effaced and at 0 station.. .I was sure I was going to give birth in the elevator on the way to the L/D floor. I was quite the fun passenger in the car also…a 30 minute car ride with contractions 2 minutes apart is not my idea of fun..

By 8am only a small rim of my cervix was left which my midwife pushed away. At 8:10am I was officially pushing and continued to do so until 9:30am. I was flopping all over in various positions but the contractions were so intense. I tried to use my hypnotherapy tapes but they just seemed to distract me. So instead I tried to use that I had learned from hypnotherapy without actually listening to my tapes. At 9:30am the on call OB came in and we talked about what the next step was. Given this was a VBAC attempt I was limited in how long they would let me push. No matter how strong my pushing was he never got past +1 really. He would get to +2 and then pop back up. I was so exhausted and in major pain so I consented to the c-section. The OB/midwife were willing to give me a bit longer to push but something internally just told me to stop.


DH and my doula accompanied me to the OR for the deliver of our little guy. Ok..maybe not so little. As the OB was getting ready to lift him out I hear “Oh my..we have a toddler here”. Iain Crawford was born at 10:18am weighing 11lbs 13oz and 22 inches long. He was estimated to weigh only 8.5 lbs at my last midwife appt a few days before.

Although I had hoped for a VBAC, I truly am a peace with my C-section. I am very proud that I labored naturally (which was impt to me) and that I trusted my body and baby in the birth process. Something was telling me to stop pushing and I trusted that inner voice. The OB said she truly felt it was the right decision b/c when she went in my uterus area near the scar from the previous C-section was very thin and although there is no sure way to know if it would have ruptured it did not look good. (who knows who accurate that is but I really felt like I trusted my body in this situation)

I was able to get a few things that very impt to me as part of Iain’s birth experience (that I did not get with Duncan’s). DH got to cut the cord, they held Iain up above the curtain for me to see immediately after delivery and my midwife and doula were able to snap a couple of pics while the OB delivered Iain and pulled him up and out. Also I am very proud of how well my labor team (nurse, midwife, doula, husband and ob) worked together, communicated and respected my wishes…something which was very impt to me after a negative exp with Duncan’s birth (ob related mostly).


-----

this time I will be having another csection as they do not do vba2c...

with iain's birth I had little to no emotional pain from having to have the c-section. I felt like things were much better then with Duncan's and I am at peace with that csection. I think too I have worked through my issues with Duncan's csection..did alot of work in therapy/hypnotherapy prior to Iain's birth so that the trauma of the 1st c-s would not carry over.

Going into this birth I am at peace with knowing I have to have a csection. I am however sad..and a part of me grieves, that I will never experience delivering a child into this world vaginally.
post #30 of 109
I have posted my story on another board but I feel the need to tell some of it again I still grieve and am so angry. My bladder was cut in half during my last failed VBAC, it was severed by a Resident during the C-section. I am grateful to be alive and have prayed to be healthy enough to chase after a toddler, that hasnt happened. I was also silenced before I even hit the OR table for asking too many questions, they put me under general anesthesia, I dont remember the first few days.I had a detailed VBAC birth plan it was ignored and laughed at. I would have loved to have another chance at birth but I am petrified and still grieving. I sought out a doula, accessed wholistic practitioners, wholistic birth classes, positioning, yoga, accupressure etc. My babies were posterior and never seem to decend beyond 0 station. My bladder injury was not a tear it was a laceration from a blade. A violation, negligence. I suffer from post traumatic stress and have cognitive problems from the blood loss. Thanks for allowing me to verbalize, there are no support groups that I can find for victims of medical mistakes. I choose to tell my story here because of the support of mommas who feel they have failed, or grieve the birth that they so wanted and envisioned.
post #31 of 109
A huge hug sent to you, Indea88. It sounds terrible what happened to you and I am so sorry.
I wish you peace.
These boards are great to talk about how we feel. Keep coming back.
post #32 of 109
Hmm...I don't feel like I failed per se--I did literally everything I could to succeed, and I don't regret any of my choices in preparation for this birth or during labor. But I do feel that my body failed me, even though I believed that it could succeed. However, I also believe there is a reason for everything that happens. It's not the way I would have chosen, but it must be somehow meant.

Here's my story:
http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...29#post4811829

A hearty congrats if you get through all of it!
post #33 of 109
post #34 of 109
I don't know if I'm ready to do this b/c I'm still "in it", but maybe it will help me w/the healing...

W/1st, I went to OB, then switched to a birthing center. I got "kicked out" b/c of possible big baby & got pressure to be induced (which I did say no to). I went into labor for like 7 hours & got up to a 4. Stalled out, MW "accidentaly" broke water while checking me. Never went back into labor & doc said I needed a section. I didn't know I could say no! DD was 9lb 11oz. I recovered great physically & was OK emotionally, until now...

I got prego when dd was 11 mo. I jumped on the VBAC bandwagon. I read the books, went to ICAN meetings, started hanging out here, went to the chiro to help my pelvis, prayed a lot, tried to practice Hypnobirthing, was going to a group of MW, which were conected to a hospital, which made dh happy. As the 2 week overdue date (really 3 weeks according to LMP) was approaching, I would not schedule a c/s. I went to a acupuncurist & went into labor the next day.

I went into labor about 3 am & after about 24 hours I thought I was in transition, so I went into the hospital. Well, I was really just dehydrated, which made my ctrax worse & vomiting. I was at a 4. I was on the ball, walking around, tried an enema. My water had broken a little & I let them break it all the way (was this a mistake?). At about 40 hours, the mw asked if I wanted to try pitocin (was this another big mistake?). I agreed & soon I was having ctrax closer together, but soon I could not get on top of them & I was begging for drugs. I got an epi (another mistake - yes!). I was getting some rest. I woke up w/the urge to push. So, I start & 2 hours later & trying every position in the book my baby won't come come down. I don't know why? The OB starts talking c/s. This time I'm prepared (but did I already mess this up?) He says he thinks the baby is posterier (I remembered this later). He tried to turn him. C-section was my option offered. What about suction, forceps - no. Doc says b/c of the baby's position, it may injure the baby. Here I am again. How did I get here? Why, when there are so many woman who elect c/s?! So, I have a fever & the baby's heartrate is staying elevated, so I agree. 52 hours, but I should have been patient & not gotten the pit. Hindsight is everything!

I don't blame anyone but God & myself for this one. I am bitter at the doc who did my 1st one. I am in therapy to try to get through this (it's been 4 months now). Coming back here has helped a lot. Thank you for this topic!

My friend had a baby today. It all happened like it should have. I am so happy for her, but I am I crying?
post #35 of 109

Hurray for this thread!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GatorNNP

I think we need to support VBAC as a birth choice, but not be so pushy as to be blind to our inner voice if it tells us to do something else, and it is not necessarily a goal to meet at all costs. So here is to all of you women who have given up or had vaginal birth taken from you--kudos for the extra work you had to do to heal and care for your new babies!
Boy did this thread hit a nerve for me..........I don't feel up to going into my emergency c-section story here--too exhausting--except to say I truly believe that the surgical birth of my son involved more fortitude, physical pain, focus, and emotional strength than if I had had the vaginal delivery I envisioned. And I am weary of carrying a sense of "failure" about it. I say this not defensively, although I have been defensive in the past in response to insensitive comments, but in the spirit of truly acknowledging the achievement of women to climb a mountain we didn't see coming, tackle the challenge, often times under horrendous circumstances, and then rise to meet a little person on the other side.

I think this thread touches on so many themes that come up for women who end up delivering by c-section and who struggle with the experience afterward, because I know not all of us do. There is the response of others and the negative talk that you tell yourself, the second guessing, the loss of trust, the sense of powerlessness, fear going into the next pregnancy and the next birth, etc.

I am due in July and planning to have a VBAC if it is at all possible, but it has been a process to feel positive about my choice in some ways. I have wrestled with the expectation of meeting an authentic birth experience ideal, an expectation that comes both from myself and others. Will I meet that particular expectation this time? Have I matured enough to have a broader sense of what it means to birth a baby? Can I manage the complexity of working with medical staff in a hospital setting? My confidence varies from day to day. I have struggled to be proud of my c-section experience, facing the fact that at one point I genuinely felt there was a good chance I was going to die, and recognizing that though this is traumatic and not necessarily triumphant in the moment, it certainly indicates a strength to persevere and a willingness to risk by making the choice to get pregnant again. Oftentimes our "failed" birth stories don't make for wonderful telling over a cup of tea, but how many of you have become advocates for yourselves and for others because of your experience? How many of you saw parts of yourselves you didn't know you had? Or saw courage and support come from surprising places? And then there was getting to meet the baby that resulted. And for the truly negative parts, the parts that hurt the most, for myself and for others, I am sorry for these.

I hope that this is not coming off in a self-congratulatory way, what I am trying to do is reiterate what Gator Mama and others have said so succinctly-----BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES, ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN, RECOGNIZE THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE, THOUGH PERHAPS UNWELCOME AND TRAUMATIC, SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT YOUR STRENGTH AND ABILITIES. I wish everyone healing and luck in whatever your future birthing choices are!
post #36 of 109
Quote:
Originally Posted by jen6
in the spirit of truly acknowledging the achievement of women to climb a mountain we didn't see coming, tackle the challenge, often times under horrendous circumstances
Thank you. Hurrah to women reaching beyond their ideals and ideas and coping anyway.
post #37 of 109


Hello out there!!!
post #38 of 109
Bumping again!!

post #39 of 109
Thank you for bumping this. 5 days ago I attempted VBAC and ended up with a repeat cesarean. At first I thought I was "OK" emotionally, but the past two days I have this deep ache, that I feel will never go away.

My first child was a breech off and on throughout my pregnancy. In my 38th week he was head down, so we went ahead with our birth center plans. I went into labor on his due date, had very mild contractions, and showed up at the birth center 8 cm dialated (and very surprised!). When my midwife checked me, she found he was a footling breech and my water broke. Big panic, ambulance ride, cesarean 30 minutes later. It took me months to realize I was actually traumatized by the experience

I got pg again when DS was 1yr old. I knew I wanted a VBAC and truly thought I would have NO problems with it. My midwives were very supportive and confident that I'd have an easy labor, like my first. Well, I went to 42 weeks and couldn't remain in their care. So I opted to have them break my water. I was 4cm dialated and 75% effaced already, and had prodromal labor for weeks. Contractions started pretty much right away and I dialated to 7 easily in about 4 hours. I was cheerful, excited and so happy to be doing this naturally on my own. I chatted with the nurses and midwives. Then, going from 7-10cm was totally different. I started having horrible back pain. The contractions were totally intense. It took 7 hours to dialate to 10. I was giving up, I didn't think I could do it. I wasn't having any urges to push. Finally my midwife checked me and moved a small cervical lip out of the way. I started pushing but was so tired and so emotionally drained and in so much pain. I knew something wasn't right. It just didn't feel right. I pushed for 2 hours, and Anna came down, but never crowned. I could feel her inside, my husband could see her. I wanted so badly for her to just slip out. It wasn't happening, and they oculdn't let me push for much longer. They asked if we wanted to try the vacuum extractor once. We agreed. It didn't work. They said we should have another cesarean. We agreed. At the time I was relieved the pain would be over.

Anna was healthy, but malpositioned. She was cockeyed, and possibly presenting with a hand.

I just feel so sad about not having the birth I wanted. I am trying to look on the positive side, but its very hard. I Know I will need time to process it... I know that's normal... I'm already worried about my next birth...

Thank you for this.
post #40 of 109


I'm crying.....my heart goes out to all of you.
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