Hugs to everyone here, and thank you to the OP for starting this thread.
My first C/sec was for "failure to be patient" - I was induced around 41? weeks and was not dilated or effaced when I was induced. 12 hours later I was told I could "have a cesarean now or wait until it was an emergency." I was young and dumb and let my mom and doctor and scared dh talk me into it. I had wanted a natural birth and had hired a CNM, but she was nowhere to be found during my entire labor. She only poked her head in once or twice, and then came to help the surgeon talk me into my c/sec.
So. I decided to have a HBAC with #2. Went to ICAN, read all the right books (and a few of the wrong ones just for a laugh) hired a homebirth midwife who leads our ICAN and only had one other mama not have her attempted HBAC. She is really an awesome mw, but in retrospect I was putting too much faith in her and not enough in me.
I went to 41.5 weeks before early labor started. Baby was positioned pretty well, not as well as he was, as he had turned a bit the week before. 12 hours after contx began, my water ruptured. Lots of mucus plug, bloody show. Was leaking fluid a lot. But my contractions were come and go, stronger and then weaker. Start and stop. But always pretty painful, requiring full concentration. We did some herbs. I tried to sleep, but couldn't sleep thru them. A few days later (yeah, days) we did castor oil. Before I began it I was already pretty run down physcially. Hadn't really eaten much or slept in 2 or 3 days. (Not sure on the specific time periods, it is all a blur.)
I did castor oil on Saturday evening. Spent the entire night with awful mind-blowing contx and diarrhea, running from birth tub to toilet to shower. I think I was at about 4-5 cm then. I labored all night very hard but don't remember much of it.
In the afternoon, my mw went home to sleep a bit for awhile and shower and change. After she left, my contx picked up A LOT. She is great, but I just felt more comfortable alone I think. But, I panicked at the sudden increase in pain and intensity. At this point I was going on 4 days. I started leaking green fluid, and we assumed there was meconium (not the case, will explain later).
I started yelling, and was having a hard time getting thru contx. Was generally freaking out emotionally and very tired. Told dh we should go to the hospital. He supported whatever I wanted to do. We called my mw and asked her to meet us there later.
Went to the hospital. Didn't tell them I had been in labor for 4 days. LOL! Got a shot of nubain and slept for an hour or two for the first time in days. They told me I had to stay in bed, but I ignored them and walked around the maternity floor in circles. Labored for another few hours. Declined an epidural.
Suddenly I was struck with terrible pain and pressure on my bladder. I was writhing in pain and screaming. It felt like having to pee but 100x worse. It was the most mind-blowing pain of my life, I felt like someone was stepping on my FULL bladder. They cathertized me over and over. I asked for an epidural. I was getting confused about what was going on. I got a fever. Baby's heartrate was dipping and not recovering at the end of contx. Doctors started coming in to talk me into anther c/sec. I declined, many many times. I even told a doctor who was trying to badger me into it that he was being inappropriate. Was still in immense pain despite epidural, which seemed to only work from my boobs down to my belly button. My mw and nurse were rolling me all around the bed trying different positions to help baby's heartrate.
I asked for a c/section. I was tired, I wanted the baby born, I was a bit worried about him, and at that moment just did not feel like I could go on. My waters had ruptured on Wednesday and it was now Monday afternoon. I couldn't remember life before contx, and became convinced I would have them forever, even after the birth. I was getting a little nutty. I was hovering around 6.5-7cm. I cried all the way to the O.R. The staff tried to cheer me up, and they knew how devestated I was, but I just wept for my vaginal birth, and worried about my baby.
In the O.R. I asked for a mirror to watch the surgery/birth, and they kindly moved one in for me. My epidural was not working well, and I felt a lot of the surgery. But the alternative was to knock me out, and I didn't want to miss seeing my baby be born. As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was a HE and I felt like I'd known him my entire life.
: I never got that experience with my daughter..I am very grateful that the staff was so understanding at the hospital. My dh held him first, and I nursed him very soon after, and he never left my sight or my bed.
Though I was *ok* with my c/section at first, now I see a lot of choices I made that I regret. But at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. The green discharge by the way was NOT meconium, but a placental infection. I don't know if this had any impact on my labor or was caused by my ROM for so long. They also discovered I had severe adhesions from my first section, which may have not let my uterus contract effectively.
I don't know if I want more kids. I think not. But it makes me so sad to know I will never push my baby out of my body. It's funny, I came to this forum because last night I had a vivid dream about birthing a son. Maybe some part of me still needs to birth a child naturally.
Thanks for starting this thread, and so sorry for my LONG post. It was very cathatic though.