Etiquette help needed, my uncle died suddenly

[Cathi]

My dad has 4 brothers and his youngest died suddenly yesterday of a massive heart attack. He was 45 and left behind his wife and three wonderful kids, 17 and 12 year old boys and a 15 year old daughter. My heart is just breaking for everyone and I feel helpless. He was a great teacher and coach and it happened at his school, they couldn't revive him.

I am very far away geographically but need to know the proper grief etiquette for letting them know I'm thinking of their family, our entire family really, as we've never experienced this kind of sudden tragedy. I'd like to send a card or flowers but is it too soon yet? Should I just send flowers to the funeral and wait on a card?

I'd also like to let my grandpa know I'm sorry for his loss, as well as my mom and dad. Is that strange? Would a card or flowers be ok after they've returned home from the funeral? My dad is apparently not taking it very well and we're not emotionally close but I do want him to know I'm here for him.

I think it's so sad when a parent has to watch their child be buried, at any age. Let alone those poor babies and their mama who have lost their entire world.

RIP Uncle Rick

[annakiss]

You can send flowers to the funeral or the house or the viewing. I think any of those ways would be fine. I'm sorry for your loss.

[kamilla626]

I don't think it's ever too soon to express your sympathy and sorrow. Cards and/or flowers sound perfect - even for close family members.

[kama'aina mama]

Flowers are nice. There will be a ton of them, though. Cards suck. Write a letter. A real, from the heart, letter. I would sit down and write all the nice things I can think of about Uncle and send it immediately. Then, instead of flowers I would find a restaurant that delivers somewhere near their home and send them a gift certificate, enough for a meal. Include a short note when you send that to the effect that since you are unable to come in person and help out, drop off a covered dish for a day when they just can't deal with shopping and cooking that this is what you would like to do for them. I would do that in about two weeks, which is around the time that they are still going to be really reeling from this but many others nearby who attend the funeral will have sort of moved on with their lives.


I am very sorry for your loss.

[rainbowmoon]

I don't think cards suck at all. I treasure each and every one I recieved after DH died. also family members are still getting cards,etc, even 2 months later. it's never too late or too early. do what you feel you should do. it WILL be appreciated.

[~*max*~]

I am so sorry for you loss. Go ahead and reach out to your family now. They will appreciate hearing from you. I recently lost my Dad and was just overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of others. Another nice idea for your loved ones is a fruit basket. Also, if there were any special interests of your uncle, perhaps a donation in his name?

Again, I am very sorry.

[celestialdreamer]

So sorry to hear of your loss I think it would be nice of you to send a letter, card or flowers (whatever you feel most comfortable with). I'm sure your family members would appreciate knowing you are thinking of them.

[ozzyemm]

Originally Posted by kama'aina mama

Flowers are nice. There will be a ton of them, though. Cards suck. Write a letter. A real, from the heart, letter. I would sit down and write all the nice things I can think of about Uncle and send it immediately. Then, instead of flowers I would find a restaurant that delivers somewhere near their home and send them a gift certificate, enough for a meal. Include a short note when you send that to the effect that since you are unable to come in person and help out, drop off a covered dish for a day when they just can't deal with shopping and cooking that this is what you would like to do for them. I would do that in about two weeks, which is around the time that they are still going to be really reeling from this but many others nearby who attend the funeral will have sort of moved on with their lives.


I am very sorry for your loss.

I agree with kama'aina mama. Food (meals especially) is a precious thing at this time. No one wants to take the time to do something like that. There isn't any time. If you lived close by, I would say make food and take it to them. Since you can't do that, definitely send a gift card or something for a restaurant.

[Rigama]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your uncle. It's hard when it's sudden. It's hard anytime, but sudden death brings with it, it's own set if difficulties.

I agree with the PPs. The sooner you reach out, the better. Please do what feels comfortable for you. I think a letter expressing your love for your uncle and some favorite memories would be highly treasured and my be quite theraputic for you, but if you're not comfortable with writing, then a card is most definately appropriate.

Food is a great idea, but I would also suggest that maybe you and some other friends/family members may want to pool together and get food delivered. Lots of chain places have Curbside Takeout. Another idea is to pool resources and have a personal chef make a few meals and deliver them.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Rigama

[Ruthla]

I think anything is fine- a card, or a handwritten note, or flowers (sent IN a vase so they don't have to scramble to find one) or something edible is good. The main thing is just to send SOMETHING to let them know you're thinking of them. TheJewish custom is to send or bring food rather than flowers, since those who are greiving may not be coherent enough to prepare food for themselves.