vent

[AppleCrisp]

I have to vent.

My husband is really annoying me. He seems to think this baby doesn't exist until it actually comes out. I thought half the fun of being pregnant was getting ready for the baby. He just refuses to spend a cent on anything or discuss anything. I'm not sure what he thinks he's going to do - bring the kid home, and then decide maybe we ought to get a few things? Its like he thinks we're bringing a puppy home from the pound and we'll just run out and get a leash and a bag of food and be all set. I'm really disappointed because of course I want to prepare and make the baby feel like he/she was lovingly awaited. And I really don't want to have to end up spending a boatload of money in the space of a week to buy carseat, diapers, blankets, clothing, sling, etc. plus the expense of nursing items. I also want to discuss setting up a long term savings account for the baby, childbirth classes, infant CPR, but won't discuss any of that either.

Of course I'm sure I'll get a few things at a shower, and I'm only 21 weeks, but its taking all the fun out of this for me. If I have to do and buy everything myself, its just no fun at all.

[yvonnemlv]

or you could be from a place where the superstition is to not buy baby anything before it is born adn bring it into the house because it is bad luck for the baby. I never had any kind of shower in Sweden due to this. Had a small get together when he was a month old or so afterwards.

First babies can be like that for husbands though. Mine wasn't quite that extreme, but close, lol. We bought stroller, carseat and cloth diapers.. but that was it.

[rmzbm]

[Kam]

I'm sorry you're feeling down and frustrated. I felt like that a lot with Meg. I'd drag DH to the store and would have researched and be ready to choose something like a car seat or baby futon, but he just wouldn't express an opinion or want to look at anything. He was really reticent to anticipate anything, though he didn't mind if I did. Looking back, I think he was just very anxious about the whole thing, worried about baby, worried about me, and didn't want to jinx it by getting excited. He did express his care in other ways, though, like painting trim in the house while I was visiting family and cooking meals when I felt sick, and so forth. Does your DH do these little things that might give you a clue as to how much he cares?

If it's any consolation, once Meg was here and obviously growing well and healthy, he went crazy choosing things for her--everything had to be just right and the best quality. They still can't go out without him buying her a special little something, or doing something special for/with her. The contrast makes it clear to me just how worried he was (despite the 10-month poker face).

I would try to do my baby shopping with girlfriends or family. They are much more fun!!

Hope it gets better.

warmly,
Kam, mamamama! to Meg and one more

[beansavi]

You deserve to have fun and pick up whatever you need or want for your baby. I go thrifting and that makes me feel "satisfied" some days, with little finds like t- shirts, sweaters, etc.

When my husband blanks out that I am pregnant, I am fiesty enough to keep on truckin' and do what I know needs to be done. If he gives me any "'tude" he knows I will tell him like it is and that he is being unrealistic....

[RedOakMomma]

My husband was like this with our first pregnancy. Not only does he not care for shopping during normal life, but during pregnancy he seemed to have the attitude of "what's the point?" It was only later, once I was very obviously pregnant and he had seen the ultrasounds, felt the babies move, etc., that he got much more excited about the babies. Actually, "excited" might be too strong of a word...going into his first time as a parent, I think he didn't fully understand everything there was to be excited about. I've noticed a big, big difference with this second pregnancy. It's like this time he *gets* it--that there's a baby, a real live baby, on its way in a few months.

I felt really frustrated, too, last time. I hope it improves.

Oh---one more thing occurs to me. Some guys (my dh included) don't really get into preparing for the baby because they don't know anything about babies, baby clothes, baby safety, baby equipment, etc. Whatever you do, at least take your dh along with you when you register. It's very educational, and when your dh has to express an opinion (this stroller? this activity center? this toy?), it gets him more involved. I had to almost drag my dh to register, but in the end we had fun.

The more he's involved (classes, shopping, etc.) the more real the baby will become to him. Yes, you'll have to drag him into things, but as the weeks go on I'm sure he'll get more interested.

Good luck!

[AppleCrisp]

Thanks. Feeling better now. I know he will be interested...he hasn't even been home for three months and the last time he saw me I was relatively "normal" looking (boy he's in for a surprise). The u/s is in two weeks and hopefully, that will make it a little more real. I think in his mind its still theoretical. And you're all probably right...he hates shopping for anything, so I guess this isn't going to change that!!

[HappiLeigh]

Sorry mama, that's frustrating.
If it were my DH, I'd probably start a list of the cost that was going to be associated with the things we need. Like car seat $200, sling $40, diapers $300 (or whatever), and make an estimate of what we have to have in the first months. The amount by itself would probably convince him we need to buy things *gradually.* Then if he needed an additional kick in the rear, I'd point out that we can't actually bring the baby home without a car seat, and can't catch poo without diapers, and that all those things happen right off the bat.
Hope you all work something out!

[AppleCrisp]

Originally Posted by HappiLeigh

: and can't catch poo without diapers,

LOL!

I'm going to put it exactly like that!

[Mariposa]

i agree that a lot of times, the first pregnancy for a guy is not that real. DH was not into first pregnancy at all, was out of town most of it and just didn't seem to be excited. the minute he saw her, he was in love and the most dedicated dad and has been ever since. this time he is more into it and excited, since he knows what is coming!

s! it is definitely frustrating.

[honeybee]

I think first time dads get freaked out and it shows up in different ways. With my dh, he was suddenly uninterested in sex. That was frustrating! Turns out, he was really worried about hurting the baby... even though I'm sure I must've said it wasn't a problem. Of course, getting a man to actually TALK about what they're really feeling is rather difficult. It seems I only find out about dh's anxes after the fact.

This time, he's a lot more excited, less anxious, and still very interested in other things... unfortunately, we seem to be jinxed, what with my fatigue 1st trimester, his car accident (nothing serious, just sore for a while), and rampant colds that have been going through the family, not to mention the toddler running around...

Have patience, I'm sure your dh will come around after the u/s and after you get a noticably bigger belly. Men need those outward signs, sometimes.

[yellowwood mama]

I agree with the consensus--most dads just don't seem to get it the first time around. Take some of your girlfriends with you to register or shop for baby stuff. They'll get appropriately excited about it with you! But, make sure to sign up for a childbirth class and drag DH along with you. That's essential! My DS is almost 2 and we still get together with the people from our birth class all the time. Instant play group! They've all become wonderful friends and we're so glad we all met.