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Psych. eval - need advice

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
The following is a post my husband made on another website. I thought I would post it here to see if we can get double the advice.

I have soooo much information accumulated over the last two years. I am having a hard time picking out what is the most important to least important. I have only two hours alone with this evaluator tomorrow morning. I speak slowly and sometimes forget things. With that in mind...here are some topics. Please help me pick which to go with and which to let go or hold off incase he brings it up?

1. Domestic violence - I have police reports, emails, declarations, restraining orders (mine and her current husband's) supporting my claim of the history of mom's domestic violence.

2. Mom never received any counseling regarding domestic violence even though she was ordered to in 11-02.

3. Discussing court and mediation issues with the children - mom discussed her version of what was said in court and mediation with the children in detail. She even read details of my response to the children then became angry with them for discussing the domestic violence in her home.

4. Alienating me from decisions concerning school - Mom helped our son pick out classes without discussing with me. She also blamed me for her choosing one class over the other because one had traveling. She told our son that I was unreliable. She keeps certificates, grades, teacher’s notes, etc from me. She only provides them to me when I find out about them & ask for them. I provide them to her immediately.
Mom also refused to discuss concerns I had regarding our son's education with me. She claimed what happens in her home she will worry about and same for me. She claimed she spoke to the teachers regularly. I have emails from the teachers stating they have never spoken to her and they share my concerns 100%.

5. Glorifying our daughter's illnesses - At least twice in as many years, mom gave samples of the wrong and very strong medication to our daughter. She admitted this to the mediator. She also took our daughter to the emergency room, called everyone in our family, etc. when our daughter just had a low grade fever. The hospital records state (I received a copy at my request to the hospital) that the parents could have brought the fever down with Tylenol and our daughter should not have been taken to an emergency room.

6. Mom continues to claim she is dying of Leukemia. Claims she's been receiving chemo and radiation for 8 years. When ordered by the court to turn over proof, she claimed she didn't have any records because St. Judes was sponsoring her. She also claimed she had no contact number because they called her when it was time for her to go an appt. She also couldn't prove prescriptions for strong mediations she was taking for pain. This is significant to me only because she tells the children that when they are bad it makes her Leukemia worse.

7. Mom was pregnant with another man's child when she married me. I didn't find out she was pregnant until two months after we married. She gave birth 4 months after we married. I told her I couldn't raise another man's child and I would have to ask for a divorce. She apparently couldn't get the other guy to stay with her so she chose to give the child up for adoption and convinced me to stay with her. I was 21 at the time and a bit selfish, I guess. She got pregnant with our child 2 months after the birth of the child she gave up.
Mom had at least two abortions when the men she got pregnant by were going to demand paternity tests or dumped her because of her domestic violence. I have medical records that prove the abortions and those men's declarations.
Mom convinced me our second child was mine even though I did the math and could swear she was conceived during a time we weren't sexually active. She waited until our child was 7 years old to tell me if I didn't do what she wanted she would take our daughter from me because she wasn't my biological child and she knew all along whom the natural father was.
Mom had her last child from her current husband at least 2 weeks early by c-section so that she could recover in time to take a planned trip to visit a friend out of state a couple of months later. Had she let the child be born at it's normal due date, it could have messed up her plans. She then left the child with relatives while she took this 2 week trip. I have concerns about these children only because it shows her maternal instinct is not as she claims.

8 Mom socializes with young people on a regular basis - Mom has a 17 year old friend that was fired from coaching our daughter's cheer class because she was drinking alcohol with younger children at a cheer camp that mom attended. Mom then allowed that girl baby-sit our children and drink alcohol.
She also pushes our 12 year old son into having a "girlfriend". She invites this girl to her home every week that our son is at her home. She permits them to be alone in her son's room. She sets them up to go out on "dates" often dropping them off at shopping centers or movies and picking them up several hours later. I say this because it's not a normal behavior for a mom in her late 30's. Also, at 12 children do begin experimenting and it's as if mom is all for it.

9. She has a history of financial manipulation. She is in trouble for welfare fraud. Didn't tell her current husband that she is receiving c/s from me. There is an arrest warrant out for her in another state for numerous bounced checks totaling into the thousands of dollars. I have statements from several men that she bilked them for thousands of dollars within weeks of meeting her. They say she claimed to be a single mom with no financial support from me and was dying of Leukemia. The children were always present when she told these lies.

10. She's a habitual liar. I have numerous contradicting emails showing her lies. I have a declaration from a police officer stating that an email she wrote about him was a lie and she refused a direct order from him to stay away from me and my home.

11. She becomes overwhelmed in situations when things don't go her way.

12. She tends to glorify her past to impress others, often in front of t he children teaching them it's okay to lie. She told one person that she taught cheer for 17 years. She told another she has a 4 year business degree. She told a new station that she was a registered nurse. All lies. She's only been to college for two months and dropped out as soon as she received her first grant check.

13. She degrades my choice in a wife, my decisions as a father, etc. to the children every time things don't go her way. She causes the children to worry about which parent they should obey. She causes the children to lie to me so they don't get her in trouble.

14. Her husband is an alcoholic and continues to drink alcohol in front of the children even though there is a current order prohibiting any alcohol blood level over .08 beginning 24 hours prior to contact with the children.

15. Mom refuses to share the children with me during her time even though I have met every request, except for one, that she has made in the last 3 years to have the children during my custodial time. Mom did make one agreement with me to switch days in Sept., but took the agreement back in a fit of rage because I had asked her to stop sending me messages through our children and expect them to bring a message back to her from me. She is unpredictable and unreliable.

16. Mom's continued hatred for my wife. I have samples of emails and hand written letters from mom dating as far back as 2001. One even has a statement, "I will not be civil to your wife and your wife doesn't have to be civil to me." I have several that state, "Your wife does not have my permission to be alone with the children, this is my choice."

There are some more issues, but I think I hit the key issues.

As you can see, there are too many to mention in a 2 hour interview. Especially when most of that interview could be answering questions he might have that have nothing to do with these issues.

Please help me pick out the ones I should mention and the ones I should put in writing to submit to him and the ones I shouldn't even bring up because they may make me look petty.

post #2 of 13
1,2,6,8,19 seem the most significant to me
post #3 of 13
These evaluations tend to be more about what/who you the evaluee is and not the former spouse.

If you go in there loaded for bear about the ex, it will come across as spiteful and immature. I say go in open minded, open to communication with the former spouse, open about what is best for the children.

I think your posts are full of hate and spite, and maybe rightfully so. I do not presume to have walked in your shoes, but I think you need to tone down the anger. At least in frount of a judge, and court appointed workers.

The judge needs to see a calm, rational, intelligent option besides the mom.
post #4 of 13
Okay. If you want double the advice.

Take that post and print it out. Get a match and burn it. Your heart, and your husbands hearts are full of hatred and that is not a good way to live your life (today, being Halloween, is a particularly good day to do this.) Instead of focussing on all of the negative crap, stay calm and focussed on how much you love the children, how wonderful they are and honour the woman who gave them life.
If an evaluator asks about a history of domestic violence, tell him: but surely a more interesting thing to talk about is the last cool thing you and you kids did together? Show pride in their achievements, from schoolwork to teaching themselves how to swing on the monkey bars, and let the small stuff with their mom go. You will feel healthier (and less stressed) if you can do this.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I truly believe that this is the right thing for someone in your situation to do.
post #5 of 13
I completely agree with the post above...These evals are not about the other party...usually they are about the right chioce for a child and the system is used to hearing ALL the reasons why one side hates the other and why the other side is bad...

The best choice is to go into the eval and own the responsibility for the situations.... The fact is at one time two people did love each other enough to create a child--SAD truth is that relationship did not manage to survive... The parent who demonstartes and understanding that the Child Loves both parents, and that the child should and needs to have contact with both parents usually ends up being the most stable parent....

The fact is (and I have been there my children were 11 & 12 when I divorced their father) Unless there is a REAL safety concern....the children will eventually decide for themselves which parent was most messed up... Kids GROW up very fast and eventually make their minds up...

The PSYs know there are two sides to every story--having a NICE and stable life today and PUTTING the garbage on the curb is far more HEALTHY.... It is enough to say--"I am concerned about the issues of....blah blah blah..." but, any more then that is bitterness and they see bitterness day in and day out....

The meeting is only 2 hours because they are NOT going to want to hear about all the reasons you feel the ex sucks.... They already know you feel the ex sucks--otherwise you would still be with the ex.... The appoinment is to show HOW you have Moved on...made better choices in YOUR life...and how You are a stable person not living in the past.... This is the time to be Self Centered and show you are healthy and stable for the child....looking backward does not show healthy and stable it show Still pissed off....

Good luck...
post #6 of 13
Thread Starter 
I guess I don't understand then. How do you show your concerns about your children's safety and welfare without stating the obvious? Surely the other party will not admit to it.

We are not mean and spiteful. Nor are we hurt. Actually that is the ex. Her way of making herself feel good is taking us to court every year. We are happy with each other and happy with our family. That drives mom's irrational behavior.
post #7 of 13
Well, I would mention that you have concerns around the children reacting to or being stressed from hearing negative stuff, care, etc. However, I would mention it and move on. From what you set out, I would emphasize that you guys have always made a point of providing her with materials quickly (e.g. school stuff), your good communication with their teachers, that you have almost always been willing to share 'your' time with the kids with her because you know that, regardless of the differences she is their mom, the other good choices that you have made regarding the kids, etc. Think about what you offer the kids, and emphasize that.

It will probably reflect negatively on you if you come across as focussing entirely on her and why she's wrong for the kids - the eval is usually to see how you are as a parent and what your values are. It's to evaluate you, not her - there's another eval for her, right? A list of what she's done or continues to do says nothing about you as parents, and that's what they probably need to hear about. Your dh can also check with the evaluator at the outset about what they need to hear about (e.g. "obviously I have some concerns, and I trust you'll let me know how much you would need to hear of them in this forum, otherwise, I'll assume you just want to hear more about our home and how the kids function in it").
post #8 of 13
Thread Starter 
After racking our brains last night over what the evaluator wants and needs to hear and not hear, we dicided on something somewhat similiar to your advice.

We decided that my husband would take in some notes for himself. He wrote down some key issues that may or may not trigger this evaluator's interest and spark a conversation. If the evaluator doesn't show interest, then my husband will know not to bombard him with evidence to that fact. We will then organize some information and submit it to him this week.

I believe mom already went and saw him last week.

Funny thing is that after mediation in sept, mom sent numerous degrading and hateful emails about my husband's parenting and about me in general. She honestly felt that the mediator was on her side so she stretched her contempt for us to a new level. Prior to court in oct, both of our attorneys went in private and read the "Golden Rod" from the mediator. It had numerous strong concerns about mom that her attorney obviously relayed to her because for 2-3 days she was quiet or short and to the point in her emails.

Her emails started back up again. In my observation, it takes a lot to get mom to even pretend to be civil for a short time. Not long after court this month up until last week, we received even more hateful emails, now she is stating that she is the children's real mother and that will not change no matter what we (my husband and I) want. She's really lost it.

At the advice of our attorney, we stopped responding to her rants about the beginning of Sept. She continued though and put words in our mouths, then fought with those words. She then cc'd her attorney and this evaluator stating that this evaluator will see what a bad parent my husband is and the fact that I'm trying to take her place as her children's "natural mom".

Anyhow, sometime last week her emails stopped again. She replied to an email I had sent her giving her a heads up on something with a simple, "Thank you." I have a feeling she had went to see this evaluator and found out that her plan with those emails didn't work.

I'll probably meet with him this week. I think I'll have to have a drink before I go. I get so fired up when I see a child being emotional abused. Sometimes I go for several months without watching the news because I get so frustrated when I hear about parents hurting their children. I know if he starts asking about how I feel about what the children are being put through, I'll start sounding like an Auctioneer.
post #9 of 13
I was the nanny for a very wealthy family in Ca. They had these evaluations, the mom went in and did nothing but complain about the dad. Guess who got custody. The dad, otherwise I would have been out of a job.

When my former spouse demanded an eval of me (he's a cop, power and control issues) I remembered that lesson and went in with an open heart. Admitted my faults, accepted responsiblity for things that did go wrong in the marriage, and talked about the good stuff in my life, how I would never keep the kids from dad, (he did that to us) how important open lines of communication are to me, ect..

He went in, talked about how I may be bipolar, how I used drugs when I was a teen, how my father abused me and that I never had a "real job", that I had sketchy work history since the kids were born. (like duh, we decided that I would work part time)

Guess what? My children live with me full time. He had more money, a home, as I was living in the women's DV shelter, and did I mention more money??? He spent over 10K to make sure he never had to pay childsupport, he now pays 2900 a month.

If you go in angry, it will come through and you and the ex will be on this rollercoaster for life.
post #10 of 13
My guess is that if the evaluator asks you how you feel about what you see going on at mom's end, or follows up a lot on your husband's feelers, the evaluator may be really feeling out how much the conflict colours your views. Best responses would be along the lines of how you're concerned about the effects of the conflict on the children and that, while you can't control how their mom deals with it, you can at least try to minimize their being put in the middle by not trying yourself to play on their emotions or to get them 'on side.' Gets the message across that she puts them in the middle, indicates that you're not doing that at your end.

I imagine evaluators see lots of families where neither parent can stop talking about what a terrible parent the other one supposedly is. Be the family that doesn't do that, regardless of the temptation.
post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 
Welp, hubby went to see the evaluator. The evaluator has some strong concerns about the domestic violence, fake Leukemia, mom moving the children 15 times in 3 years, etc. He wants every document we have.

He said he had thought he could get this done by the deadling in a couple of weeks, but after hearing all the contradictions between my recollections and mom's, he's going to move slower and really check into this.

Apparently, he had his interview with mom last week. She told him something to make him look confused when I answered questions he had prepared. That's when he asked if I had any proof to bring it.

Guess this evaluator doesn't like to be lied to.
post #12 of 13
I'm glad it sounds like he has his head screwed on
post #13 of 13
Sounds like things went good on your side! That is really great to hear. Please keep us updated! I hope everything works out for the best for the kids! Remember, its really for them!
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