Having a hard time with weaning young toddler threads - Page 2

[Treasuremapper]

Originally Posted by lerlerler

while i agree that a gentle nudge may be in order for a woman that says she needs to wean "because they shouldn't nurse once they have teeth".. i shudder to think that folks here would only help if they approve of the reason....

But why should people be expected to give advice about how to accomplish something we don't believe should happen in the first place? That's not really a reasonable expectation, is it?

[Treasuremapper]

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

But I do have to add that sometimes, I think moms are looking for "permission" to wean...and I simply will not give that. Except in rare cases of extreme medical or situational events, I simply will not tell a mom it is "okay" to wean before at least 2 years old......because I do not believe it is okay. I saw a sig quote here, and I know i am messing it up, but it was something like "women who CAN'T breastfeed should not feel ashamed, but those who WON'T breastfeed should, and you should be honest enough with yourself to know the difference." That about sums up how i feel.....

Me too.

[MsMoMpls]

Originally Posted by inezyv

But why should people be expected to give advice about how to accomplish something we don't believe should happen in the first place? That's not really a reasonable expectation, is it?

I would never come to CLW to ask advice on weaning, but I would come to MDC. WHere else can I ask for help? There is no one else that understands weaning after the first year. If the only choices were CLW, knowing that this would likely mean nursing for 4 or more years, or mainstream nursing for 6 months or so... I am not sure what I would chose. I nurse one month at a time and will wean if and when I believe it is costing me and my family too much. Anything I do that I resent will damage my relationship with my children.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by inezyv

:

Thanks for summing it up so well. I would like to have a place where I can go and not have to see threads about cio and early weaning.

Yep. Why here?

And let me add to that- non GD suggestions for 'punishments'.

It's MDC. Hello.

At least read awhile to see what we're about before posting.

[lerlerler]

Originally Posted by inezyv

But why should people be expected to give advice about how to accomplish something we don't believe should happen in the first place? That's not really a reasonable expectation, is it?

You are not expected to do anything. But IMO, it appears that the only way to get help and compassion is to explain a dire medical condition. At that point at least 10 people will give you a homeopathic option, which you must promise to try. And THEN, you come back months later having satisfied the MDC community's request for chiropracters or herbs, you will get more suggestions and then MAYBE, if the "community at large" approves of your reason and you get compassion and advice.

As I explained, I may need to wean my child. I am holding off as long as I can - and I may make it to 4 or 5 (which BTW was the reason I was in the CLW forum in the first place!) But I may not. I don't think it's so wrong to be able to post (on another forum) "I have weighed every option, and need advice on weaning". A gentle "is there any information we can help you find that may change that decision?" is fine.... But I don't think I should need to share my entire medical history.


The assumption that "if she is weaning, and doesn't say "I have cancer", she's just either misinformed or selfish - so I refuse to help" burns my hide.

Honestly, I WON'T come to MDC with advice for weaning if I need to wean. Because I know that it will become intrusive and I will spend days defending an already well-informed, but gut wrenching decision. So those of you that don't want to see such horrible posts will be spared.

That's too bad though. Because if I need to wean, I may not need advice, but I WILL need compassion.

[Treasuremapper]

Lisa, I listened and read your post.

But I came to CLW because I thought some of the other mamas here would understand how sad I feel it is for children to be weaned early. I thought this forum was for support for mamas who are doing CLW. Did I misunderstand? Because for some reason, some posters on this thread are basically are saying they are not committed to CLW and telling me that my feelings about the matter are wrong and somehow "judgemental."

These are my feelings about the matter -- I think two is too young for a child to be weaned, barring really serious circumstances. I don't know why you would feel offended that someone who is doing CLW to the best of her ability feels that two is too young to be weaned.

I don't have to give weaning advice if I don't want to do so. If people really want weaning advice, why not go to one of the zillions of mainstream boards or even to another part of MDC for that weaning advice? Heck, some of us on CLW have never even weaned anybody yet, so I don't know that we are really that great a source of information.

[lerlerler]

My post was inappropriate on the CLW board sorry - i forgot where I was!

But it isn't the "I feel sad" OP that bothers me. It's the "No one should be able to talk about weaning" posts that do.

It's because I have had my eyes opened my so many MDC mamas when it comes to issues of tolerance. I have learned so much about religions I never knew existed, struggles with poverty, etc.

and in most cases, MDC mamas are the most understanding and tolerant people I know.. I have learned SO MUCH.

And then I read this post and basically hear that no one should wean a child before they are ready - or they are uninformed mainstream pro-CIO folks

Again, I will never ask weaning advice on MDC, and hopefully, I will nurse for many years to come.. but I miss the tolerance.

[TiredX2]

I think there is a big difference between asking for advice on respectful weaning or setting limits and someone *adament* even though they have listed all the ways their very young toddler still needs to nurse that they WILL WEAN.

In that case, what advice do they want? Esp people who are going cold turkey and just want advice for their comfort--- they could look ANYWHERE else. Why do they need APers input on how to deal with engorgement? Seriously.

[Treasuremapper]

Lisa, believe it or not, I am starting to understand your feelings.

I would not have posted the young toddler weaning anywhere but CLW.

But I also would not go to a TCS board and complain that I felt judged by people practicing TCS, if that makes sense.

[ShadowMom]

Like a pp said, many times when a mom asks about weaning it is really a cry for help.

In the thread that most of us seem to be thinking about, I think the people who responded generally did a good job of gently asking for more information so they could help.

I think part of the problem is that there is SO much misinformation out there about breastfeeding (and other parenting issues, but breastfeeding especially) that you just can't assume that any poster has had access to the information, support and resources we have.

So, I think that reinforces not only the notion that it's OK to ask those probing questions when someone asks about weaning (even though it can be quite annoying to those who KNOW they are already informed), but it's also OK for those people who don't completely understand the philosophy of this board (not just this forum, but MDC) to post questions which may seem a little off, so that they can get the knowledge, support and resources we all have access to.

There are many, many mamas out there who go through dark spells of parenting completely alone. I really feel strongly it is wrong to judge them. I strongly believe in CLW. But I also STRONGLY believe that many women are NOT in a situation that makes CLW conducive. Some more than others. And we need to understand and realize that fact.

I think gentle, probing questions and respectful, supportive information have changed the thought processes of MANY mamas on MDC. I hope that continues.

[Treasuremapper]

Kristi, I have no idea what thread people are thinking about! I was just commenting in general. Have I missed something?

[ShadowMom]

PM'd you.

[Treasuremapper]

Thanks, Kristi.

[Rainbow Brite]

I missed the posts this is reffering to, but a while back weaning posts really upset me as well. I thought that there should be a subforum under Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy called Gentle weaning. That way all the weaning posts could be in one spot. So if somone wanted to wean, or needed help to wean, they would know where to look, and everyone else wouldn't be subjected to the posts. Of course I'd love it if every baby chose when to wean, but obviously the moms who aren't doing clw will wean at some point.

[alexsam]

I just have to say, I've learned a lot here- on the bf boards and also at MCD in general. It has totally made a huge difference in how I parent and my breastfeeding relationship and "objectives". If I had been flamed for some of my eariler posts, I would never have gotten to where I am now. When I think about them, I am really glad some patient mammas wrote me back the way that they did- I really was challenged (in a supportive way) to re-think a lot of what I was thinking and I think I am a better mother for it!

I agree- many people who want to wean are going though a tough spot or are in need of information- or just support to know there are others out there. As for people who actually do "need" to wean, they may have serious, personal issues and they are here because they want to do it the best way that they can. None of us is perfect and everyone is different. A mama who nursed past a year in the face of ridicule from family and friends, going against doctors, wading though misinformation alone, maybe dealing with health issues that made it painful or exceptionally draining, maybe even nursing through a really hard part of life, like the death of a loved one, whatever... it can be a major accomplishment and how sad would it be if she came here to get info or help or support and was treated harshly. There are some really strong mamas here- that's wonderful!- but some of us are just finding out about this world and are not as strong yet and need some positive encouragement and someone to listen. Insead of a sharp dismissal, a kind word can make a big difference.

As for posts at CLW, it is inappropriate given the nature of the board. Maybe instead of banning them, we could collectively find a way to politely and supportively re-direct them to another board or encourage them to contact LLL.

[Ruthla]

All you need to do is PM a mod and ask her to move the post to BBI (breastfeeding beyond infancy.) I don't think that a subforum of "gentle weaning" is really needed- in a way, I think that such a forum would encourage moms to think of mother-led-weaning. Not that women thinking of weaning shouldn't have support, just that we don't need a forum encouraging it. Similarly, there's a c/s support thread, but no "surgical birth by choice" forum.

[Leilalu]

I just wish I could tell EVERY MOM how difficult it is to deal with or calm down a toddler who has weaned. When dd weaned at 15 months because my milk dried up/tasted funny when I was pregnant with ds, I was heartbroken. I had planned at least until 2 years. At least. She was so young, ands stil needed so much. And we did/do cuddle nurse, and I feel her needs get met that way-but the hormones are not there to calm her.
So every chanve I get, with moms I know with babies of similar age to ds, I tell them that story. And I pray it sinks in.
And ds really needs it more than dd did. Lately, he nurses like a 5 month old!All day! I can't imagine weaning him.
I just hope MDC can be a beacon of hope for those mamas straddling the fence on the weaning issue, and not turn them off, while gently correcting them

[mavery]

This is an interesting thread. I haven't read the thread people are referring to, but I just wanted to say that I think weaning is quite a different matter from CIO (and I would hate to see discussion of weaning banned from MDC). Weaning is much more complex because nursing and weaning vary so much from nursing-pair to nursing-pair, depending on baby's needs as well as mom's, whereas CIO is one-size fits all. Some babies self-wean early, some cut down a lot and are easily encouraged to complete weaning. There are many reasons someone might want or need to wean, and I don't feel comfortable issuing a blanket statement saying that no one should do mother led weaning before 2 years except in case of dire emergency.

I totally agree that mothers considering early weaning almost always are looking for support, and that MDC-ers should in general guide them towards the gentlest possible solution and try to help them find ways to continue nursing. But support, not censure, is the key.

[Ruthla]

I find that the best way to encourage women to continue nursing is to suggest limit setting/slow weaning with an open mind- make some changes and then re-evaluate to see if you want to make more changes or stick with the ones you've already made.

[Treasuremapper]

If all the weaning threads are redirected to Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy, would it be possible that those posts would make mamas new to AP think that weaning in early toddlerhood was common and accepted?

I don't know, I don't have an opinion, I'm just asking.