Personal growth while Mothering, A selfish venture??

[iris]

Ever since I gave birth to my DS (over two years ago) I've been driven by this overwhelming desire to grow. Before I became a mother, i had always had spiritual "quests" and yearnings to reconnect with my "artist" self. For the first year my growth and addiction to information centered on mothering, nutrition for DS and spiritual matters related to my child and to myself as Mother. However, recently, my desire to bloom creatively and spiritually for myself and myself alone has become so strong. This would be wonderful except that I am torn by guilt at my desire to time alone which i need. What a connundrum. How does one reconcile the need to grow with the responsibility and dedication with Mothering in the way we all are Mothering???

[peggy]

Think of it this way.. How can you offer the best mothering to your child if you don't continue to grow? I'm not advocating you take a year off to "find yourself" but a little time spent doing something JUST FOR YOU everyday, IMHO , leaves you with more to give your child not less.

peggy

[Erin Pavlina]

Like Peggy said... developing your own interests and fulfilling your desires will make you a happier person overall. Your child will come to appreciate having a happy mother, not one who is resentful of any missed opportunities.

When I decided to be a WAHM instead of a SAHM, it was a tough decision for me. I thought Emily needed me and couldn't get along with anyone else. Boy was I shocked when she really took to the nanny and enjoyed playing with her.

I lost my guilt, my daughter got a fun playmate who gave her undivided attention, and I was able to develop my business which helped my self esteem, which made me happier, and totally appreciative of the time I have with Emily. We're one big happy family now!

[LukesMum]

I understand exactly what you are saying!!!!!!!!!! I am a yoga instructor and my heart yearns to go to India to study--but this is not the time for that. so, I take the time when I can and do what I can. I realize this time with ds at such a young age is so short and my time will come. I do believe as said above--ie: the best "example" we can be for our children (taking care of ourselves) is a vital part of our relationship with them!

P.S> DS is sleeping and I'm tired--but I'm going to read!!

[lilyka]

What kind of axample would we be to our children if we stopped growing and learning. We owe it to them to be examples of people who are eager to explore and learn new things. I think it also helps them to see us as people seperate from themselves.

[yogamama]

I agree with everyone else. It is our responsibility to model a lifestyle of growth that we want for our children. Can you imagine if your child became a parent and decided to put personal growth on hold for 10 to 20 years? Yikes!

Certainly we may need to do some things at a slower pace (higher education, career goals, going to India to study yoga), but we still need to move in the right direction every day.

Kathleen

[mamarain]

(nodding my head fiercely w/ everyone else)
Also to note that what you are doing feels like an organic progression from the mothering bubble of the first years.
Now you're child is a little older, he's reaching out to the world, beginning to notice things beyond the safe nest you've created - Yes, stretch your own wings as well! He's beginning to grow and gather material for his own life - what a wonderful gift for him to have a mother alongside from whom such desire for the larger things in life - the blossoming!! can be learnt.

[Sierra]

Yes, I think one of the greatest ways our children learn from us is through our own growth.

I have friends who say that they don't want to have kids until they figure this out or that out in their lives. I encourage them to do what feels right, but I also tell them that there is no ideal time to have kids. In fact, I say, the more of your journey you have ahead of you, the more of your journey your kids have to learn from. I also tell them that when we handle our mistakes correctly, mistakes become some of the best gifts we can give our kids.

Not to mention the fact that if you already are a mother, you need to fulfill your needs in order to be able to give your children what they need. It's just as everybody has posted above.

OTOH, I relate to your dilema because I have seen parents who have had a really selfish approach to personal growth. When I was a teen, this happened a lot to moms who were the older part of my mom's generation. A lot of these moms got so interested in self-fulfillment and personal growth, etc. etc. that they ended up hurting their children in the process. These moms were simply reacting to their life experiences and the burdens of their generation, but it was a very hard thing to watch.

I think what seperates you from these moms is that you are thinking about what you need to do to keep your own approach from being selfish. Just your awareness of the issue shows that you are lightyears away from the selfish approach to personal growth.

Good for you for examining the issues and being honest with yourself about your needs. I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing them with us, and I hope you follow your heart to do what you need to do to become fulfilled in ways other than the sole role of motherhood.

Love, Sierra

[Dr.Worm]

Just the fact that you are worried about this proves you have nothing to worry about! A mom who is so wrapped up in herself wouldn't even care what her child thought of it. Kind of the stuff you read in those evil parenting mags.."how can I get my newborn used to a sitter so I can get on with my life.." mothers(and fathers)who care more about money, fun, status, than what their babies and children are going through. John always tells me that it's ok to be selfish, as in, take care and love yourself...it's only bad when you ignore your kids all the time to be that way. I have CFS and recently found out that I seem to also have PPD. I always thought it was "selfish" to focus on myself. (I went through a tough time with CFS in high school where noone could help me and my mom actually was mad at ME for being sick and upset...gee, wonder why I got depressed and started refusing to help myself?) But now I know that it would be selfish in the bad sense, to pretend that everything is ok with me when deep down it's not just because I don't want to deal with bad things in my life. Julia needs a mommy who not only loves her, she needs a mommy that loves herself, too. She will always be my life but how can I say that but then not take care of myself and maybe not be around in a few years? Sorry to ramble, I just totally get what you mean.

[iris]

Please forgive me for not writing a reply sooner. I have indeed been reading, devouring all of your replies. i held back my reply since i find that sometimes a response from the seeker causes new people from contributing their thoughts.

Thank you so much. At some level i do feel that we as parents are better examples for our children when we are following our muse. The other side of me has this niggling worry which cause me to wite this post. I think Sierra put quite cleary into words my haunting fear . Thank you.

Eek. DS has suddenly realized he want me. (hes been playing with Daddy for an hour) gotta dash but I have more to say so I'll be back.
Thanks

[Joyce in the mts.]

Children learn what they live...

Hi Iris, I am Joyce and I am new.

I am an "oldtimer" meaning that I have near-adult kids. I have found in my years as a mom that it is an unescapable part of life that we model behavior for our kids. Therefore, if you, a mom, always thirst for ways to be creative and follow your bliss within a comfortable boundary for yourself, and find some wonderful ways to be creative (your bliss), then you are providing such a wonderful model for your kids! YES!

My hubby was always supportive even when we were dirt poor, yea, those many years ago...whenever I had an opportunity, he was there for me. He felt that whatever I could learn, made me a better person, a wiser person and therefore a better spouse and mother too. And I shared it all with him, and also eventually, we were able to pursue things together and this has enriched our life together for many years now (25 years this past fall).

And my kids (22, 20 and almost 18) are all more creative and critical thinkers for it, and therefore will be able to contribute to society because of it. We are musical and artistic and very grounded as a family . And my kids friends seem to respect my kids' opinions too. Who'da thunk it?!

When as moms we find a way for creative/spiritual/artistic self-expression and pursue within our comfort zones (or even if we venture out of that zone a tad for it), we show our kids something that will have longterm benefit- Self love and Self respect, and curiosity and need to learn and experience; risk taking, etc.

If our spouses/partners/hubbies can get behind it and help provide care and space and time (or other resources) to enable it, then we return to our familial space enriched and refreshed. Our spousal relationships grow too, because of this and we are find ourselves feeling more vital and alive. And later, as we expand this for ourselves, as our kids become more aware of the value of creative expression, then too, we inspire them in their own pursuits and gain their respect on many levels more than we ever know.

Truly, there is only a need to decide what your comfort zone/boundaries are about resources (and don't forget time is an important as money and your personal energy in this either), and stick to it, communicate about it with spouse/partner and work it out openly so you can do that which makes you, YOU!

You are such a pivot for your family that you MUST be truly who you are. And your creativity can make you closer and more grateful for life with your family. So you become the best mom/partner/wife/spouse you can be.

And often you become a leader among your peers. There are many sisters, no doubt, where you live who have the very same feelings as you do and wish for sisterhood as support to do it. This can lead to so many wonderful things all around.

I say go for it with gusto....but that is just me...Joyce in the mts.

[rainsmom]

Please see the thread "are you anything else beside a mother" under Personal Growth

Lots of wonderful posts!!

[sunbaby]

i also struggle with guilty feelings when i take time away from dd, but i have found that when i am with her, i am really a more present, thinking, generous mom if i have met some of my own spiritual and artistic needs.