Post partum this late?

[wvmom]

My son is 2 1/2. I notice most of the postings are from a while ago. Is there anyone out there who is currently struggling or has struggled who can reassure me about seeking help? I am very bonded to my son. I love him very much. He breastfeeds and falls to sleep with his Dad and I. However, I still have moments of intense sadness and irrational thoughts (and I do recognize them as irrational). I know I will not hurt my son . I am afraid he might be removed from my home if I disclose this to a counselor or a counselo r would insist that I go back to work and my husband take care of our son full time instead? I feel I need help especially since it has persisted so long. It is the one dark blot on my happy life with my family. I am beginning to recognize that I have always been a little obsessive about things so maybe that is the issue and not PPD. I am not sure what to think. I have tried repressing the thoughts, praying, having the thoughts and then rationally facing them, etc, but they still come. Also I have been through major changes like moving 2,000 miles away from my family with my husband, quitting working outside the home (and I have worked since I was 16) and our financial situation has changed drastically (now it is good again) during the last 2 1/2 years. I am not against medication but I do not want to go on it because I am breast feeding. Also, am I crazy? We are trying to get pregnant again and I really want to grow our family. I love being a mother but I just want to feel like I am more in control of these negative thoughts that make me feel like a worthless poop of a mom.
Has anyone overcome this without meds or therapy? Do you feel your children were negatively impacted? Thanks for your input. God bless

[Gale Force]

Welcome to MDC wvmom. I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances, but I am glad you are here. This particular board is slow, but it's not dead.

First, no one is going to take your baby away. It is a very common fear -- it was one of my big ones too, but it's not going to happen.

I did not use medication. I did have very low serotonin levels and probably would have responded well to an SSRI but you can increase serotonin by increasing your tryptophan and then your body produces serotoin naturally. I am taking a free-form amino acid supplement customized for my own amino deficiencies and have felt a great deal of relief. Here's a thread about it:

My amino acid post

But I am still working on fixing the problem related to my protein digestion. (aminos are just types of protein though they are critical in hormone production) I know I am still low in B vitamins and in essential fatty acids and both of those could be affecting my digestion. I have another appt Friday and we are revisiting these issues after a little time off.

I've gone through a lot of testing for all of this because it isn't all that effective to just shoot in the dark and supplement. The key is to find a doctor who will work with you. Here's one database. I don't know how good it is, but it might be a start (a lot are MDs).

Alternative practicioners

Best of luck to you.

Amanda

[wvmom]

Thanks for the response

Hello, I thank you so much for responding. It is great to have someone to "type" to. I will definitely check out the website on alternative practitioners. Thank you so much. I'll let you know what I find out.

[jenn5388]

When my daughter was born I had Severe "baby blues" I call it that because by the time she was 2 months old, I was fine.. but, during the first 2 months I had Serious thoughts about either killing myself or hurting her. I would be sitting down watching TV or whatever, and all of a sudden my brain would switch to a picture of tossing her out of a window, or Throwing her up against the wall.. for no reason.
It was horrible.

I'm better now... Now, I'm on Prozac.. Not for the PPD/baby blues, but for the depression i've had in the last couple months where those thoughts have come back to me.. it's not that i want to hurt her, I don't even think that way anymore, I just have these thoughts i can't control.. it's really weird.
I never feared telling anyone and having miranda taken away from me.. I knew that wouldn't happen.

I hope you find some wonderful help too and start getting better

[Aeress]

Momma, you are not alone. Most people didn't know thta i had feelings/pictures in my head, of hurting my baby. I knew I would never act on them but they sure scared me!!!! I was embarrassed at first to admit these thoughts but once I found out that they weren't really anything that I would do I dealt with them better. I was so afraid of being near knives for several months becuase i once had a image of a knife and my babe. I freaked out and called my therapist and my doc and we met to decide if my meds were as effective as they needed to be and also found a pattern between my period and my thoughts and worked from that point.
My husband and therapist were the only ones I (excpet other ppd moms) told these thoughts to and I went on to have another baby with no ppd. so, please take heart and know you will makw it through this!!!!