Is it right to want another child when you have experienced the loss of loved ones?

[motherbug]

Was wondering if anyone is going through or have been through what I am currently experiencing. I have three lovely children, ages 11,8 and 5. My father sadly died this June (8) of cancer. That was bad enough. But then, the unthinkable happened, my mother died on September 8th. I just feel like I am in a foreign world. Or, I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I am thinking all the time about having a new baby????? I really figured I was done with my last. And didnt have feelings of wanting a new baby until my parents died. Will this pass? Why am I wanting a new baby? UUGGGHH! I have enough with three, I homeschool, am busy with hubby, animals, etc.

Oh well, sorry if I sound pitiful. I really don't walk around asking for pity. To my friends and family, they all think I am doing great. Inside, I feel like I am falling apart.

broken arrow

[PixelDust]

You don't sound pitiful. You lost your mama and daddy; you have a right and a duty to mourn them. Don't let anybody take that away from you. (Geez... sorry if it sounds like I'm on a high horse; I just wish somebody'd given me that advice.)

After my parents died, I definitely felt a stronger desire to have a child. I always knew I wanted to have kids someday, but after they were gone, I felt like I didn't want to waste any more time. Maybe it's because creating a new life can be so hopeful and life-affirming. Or maybe we just need something positive to focus on. If you weren't thinking before of having another one, maybe you can give yourself some time to regain your emotional equilibrium before you make a decision.

[motherbug]

Thank you for your kind reply. Like I said, I feel very strange these days. I am usually a well grounded, strong, very happy person. I still feel happy because I have a wonderful family (well, what's left of it) and I don't like to be miserable. You know, some people just like being miserable - but not me!! But, I do think about a new baby and focusing on life rather than death. It is alot to absorbe, and so I came onto the grief and loss forums to get some sense of what other people are feeling like or going through. I can only get to read so many before I succomb to crying and sobbing for other parents and losing their children. Oh, that is just too painful to imagine!

Well, again, thanks for replying. It helps to know at least one person in this entire universe cares a tiny bit for a stranger who is going through hard times!!

broken arrow

[PixelDust]

No problem. It is good for me to connect with people who've lost their parents, too. I don't know if you like to read, but a book that helped me a lot was called "The Orphaned Adult" by Alexander Levy.

Hang in there; take care of yourself when you can. My parents were killed three years ago; PM me anytime if you need a sympathetic ear.

[Ashleigh]

no answer, just dropping off a hug

[polka123]

sure it's OK !!

& sadly... I'm right with you on all of this.. so I can really relate

[mama4gals]

Motherbug, it's the most natural thing in the world for a woman to want more children. In our modern society, we have been made to feel embarassed when we yearn for another baby. But it's what we were made for, and whatever event brought on this desire for a baby, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It may also be that your children are getting older (your 5 yo is definitely not a baby anymore), and so you long to nurture a baby again. I'm not in the same situation, but slightly similar. I have 4 children, then I recently had my 4th m/c in a row, and I really want another baby. My mom is dying of Parkinson's Disease; her death will be any moment now. I am really sad about that, but at the same time, the desire for the miracle of new life in me seems so natural. Birth and death, beginnings and endings. All part of the beautiful circle of life. Blessings to you, mama. My heart goes out to you, losing both parents right in a row. My dad is in pretty good health; I would hate to lose him too.

Liz

[motherbug]

Wow, it is amazing! You girls hit it on the nail!! I DO FEEL Ashamed for wanting another baby. In fact, I won't even discuss it with my best friends or even my sister or other family members (except DH who says "Go for it")

You are right....society seems to make a woman feel alot of things that are wrong. Since when did I begin to listen to society? I homeschool (unschool) 3 children, don't vaccinate, my 5 year old just weaned 3 months before her 5th birthday and she still sleeps in bed with me......I forgot that I don't listen to other people All this grieving has got me out of my sorts....

THanks for bringing me back. I needed all of that good 'ol mothering advice!!

And, I know in my heart that my Mom and Dad would have welcomed with open arms a new babe!!

Wish me luck!!

[mamato3cherubs]

Good Luck!!!!

[orangefoot]

I hear you. I knew that we wanted another child in our family before my dad died, but now I feel that even more keenly. There are all kinds of 'reasons' but mainly I just feel it.

I would like to be able to share new life with my family after 2 years of loss and let us have renewed hope for the future.

This feeling is sometimes tinged with the sadness that a new child will not know him how we all did and will miss the love that he would have shared so freely, but I also feel that he will watch over that child somehow and everything will be ok.

Rachel

[mamimapster]

I totally understand, I always wanted children, but after my youngest sister died the want changed in its intensity tenfold. I was seven years older then my sis, and I had a lot of a hand in raising her. I would see little girls/babies that looked like my sis when she was a baby and be almot moved to tears. We were just about to start trying for #1 when my sister passed. Our DD was born about 16mos after she died.

[nikisager]

When my son died of "sids" a year and half ago, I didnt think I would ever want another one. But before he had died I knew I wasnt finished having children. 6 1/2 months ago I decided I wanted another child and am 6 1/2 months pregnant now. All I heard from my family on mine and my husbands side was" do you really think this is a good idea? or "having another baby wont bring Jake back." Noone understood that deciding to have another child had nothing to do with the loss of my last son. I wanted another child.
I don't think that loss of loved ones should have any role in wether you decide to have children or not, or wether you should put off having children. I honestly know that I want a nother baby, and the reason has nothing to do with losing Jacob, as for what anyone else believes, well, I can't help that. But after telling them excactly how I felt about there lack of support, noone says anything but I can tell they still think it.

Loving wahm to Donnie 12, :nana: Thomas 5, : Joseph 4, Jacob who is in Gods hands, and married to some guy named Dan : Due for our 5th son Hunter in February

: : : :

[baileyandmikey]

i just wanted to say, you should do what feels best in your heart. Are you in Middletown,Ohio???

[applejuice]

You have suffered a terrible loss and you want to replace it...that sounds normal to me.

[LeosMama]

When my brother died, the whole family, including SIL, hoped that she might be pregnant. It would have been some small piece of him, some small comfort.
Children are a blessing and a joy and bring comfort and light to our lives. They teach you how to love and be loved and they can heal your worst hurts. Why wouldn't you crave that when you are hurting?