Chain-smoking BIL just arrived...

[paisley]

Dh went to pick him up at the airport earlier this evening. He wanted to use my car and without even thinking about it I said sure. Dh just got back I could smell the smoke on him from 5 feet away. He says he had 1 cig with his brother : but OMG, he smelled so bad. I brought him fresh clothes and had him put the stinky ones outside.

And then it occurs to me... BIL rode home in MY car. What's the first thing that a chain-smoker does when he gets off an airplane? Mm-hmm. And then sits in my car all the way home. I am so pissed right now.

But beyond that, how am I going to deal with stinky BIL for the next 2 weeks? I know he is *dying* to see ds and will probably want to come over first thing in the moring since I am a SAHM and everyone else will be working. Help me out Mamas! Dh smelled repulsive to me and I can only imagine what being around BIL will be like. What can I do to keep myslef from puking while I am around him? BIL is a real sensitive type too (sensitive to perceived criticism but not necessairily to other's feelings unfortunately). How can I get my point across to him without hurting him? I was looking forward to seeing him too and now I am bummed because I totally forgot what a heavy smoker he is. Oy. I am going to try to settle myself down so I can get some sleep tonight.

[midwestmom]

Man, I don't know. That stale smoke smell makes me want to hurl just thinking about it. Does he know you are preg? You could just tell him that the preg makes your nose so much more sensitive and you are really having an aversion to cig smoke smell. Ask him if he could help you out by not smoking in your car, around you etc....you could tell him that you are really sorry for the inconvenience...that helps the oversensitive types sometimes. Good luck!

[lotus.blossom]

The only thing I can think of is get an essential oil like mint or citrus and put it around the rim of your nostrils! Or run around behind him with an incense stick! That will get the point across!

[paisley]

We haven't told him yet. We were waiting till he got here to tell him in person. I am not so worried about him smoking around me, I think he will totally understand once he knows I am preggers. It's more the lingering smell on his clothes and hair. And he likes to give these loooong hugs, which is really sweet otherwise, but now I am wondering how long I will be able to hold my breath for.

Thanks for the EO idea, lotus. I think I might put some on a cotton ball and keep it in my pocket. Oooh, or some on a bracelet that I can sniff as needed. Off to see what is good for nausea...

[~pi]

Originally Posted by paisley

How can I get my point across to him without hurting him?

Short answer: you can't. Either you avoid the issue (probably no hurt feelings, but you'll have to deal with the smoky smell more) or you address it. My mom is very similar, i.e. easily hurt but not very sensitive to others' feelings and I've gone through a few things like this with her, and honestly, things got so much easier once I accepted that she might be hurt, but it isn't reasonable for her to be so sensitive and thus, it isn't my problem. My job is not to keep her happy at all times. All I can do is be kind, respectful and loving, and ask for what I need in a nonconfrontational way.

I'd sit BIL down and say something like, "BIL, you know we're so happy to see you and ds is just thrilled to see his favourite uncle. (Even if he isn't the fave, you can still butter him up a little.) However, I have to tell you, the smell of smoke is bothering me even more than usual now that I'm pg. It would be really great and help me keep from puking all the time if you could either keep your distance or change and shower before giving me one of your wonderful hugs."

Good luck. I come from a family of smokers and really have a problem with the smell, so I feel for you.

[paisley]

Thanks for all your advice and understanding.

Just a little update - BIL really wanted to come over this afternoon to see ds. After much hemming and hawing, I asked dh to call him and mention to him that I am really sensitive to smell right now (dh told him last night that I'm pregs) so if he could refrain from smoking at our house and right before he gets here that would be great. When BIL got here, I could just barely smell smoke! I think he even changed his shirt before coming in. I am so relieved that BIL is so receptive to my smell issues. I am no longer dreading the next 2 weeks while he's here. Yea!

[~pi]

Oh, that's so nice that he was receptive and sensitive! Yay for your nice BIL.