Advice needed from travelling mamas

[Marylizah]

I'm someone who likes to do my worrying well in advance, to get it out of the way and I'd really like some advice on a travel-related issue that I have coming up in a little less than a year. (I told you it was long-range worrying!)

Here's the situation. I live in Europe, and one of my best friends in the whole world is getting married in the US approximately 2.5 months after I give birth. She was in my wedding here, and I am supposed to be in her wedding as well.

But that's not all. Two measly weeks later, another one of my closest friends is getting married in another European country, and has also asked me to participate in her wedding (I agreed to both before I knew I was pregnant).

Now it seems pretty clear to me that we can't do both with a 2.5-3 month old infant, but how do I choose which wedding to go to? For the record, my friend in the US has been planning this wedding since last Christmas, whereas my other friend chose her wedding date in early August of this year (ie US friend told me way earlier about her plans). I love them both dearly and I just know someone is going to end up getting hurt. How do I choose??

This is probably a trivial problem but I'm kind of (ok, majorly) obsessing about it, so any advice at all is so welcome.

[luckylady]

If they are good friends then I am sure they would understand - you have a new baby and that is a loooooong way to travel. For me it would depend on who is the better friend - also the care of the baby. travel to the US is really going to mess up any sort of schedule the baby has adapted to at 3 months. If you back out this far in advance I am quite sure neither would be too upset.

[Marylizah]

Thanks for the advice, luckylady. I'm afraid of it messing up schedules too, and it is so far to travel (with at least 1 layover, then on arrival another 3ish hours in a car!).

As for choosing who is the closer friend, it's hard. The US friend is my oldest friend and we have a great (tho long-distance and sporadic) relationship.

The other friend I see much more often (we live in the same city) and also love dearly, tho I've known her only 3 years. We're much more involved in each other's daily lives, if you know what I mean.

Sigh...

[Mamabeakley]

Hmm. I actually traveled when my DS was about that age and found it to be really not that difficult. I was not crossing time zones, though. But it was really not difficult. I was breastfeeding - all I needed was plenty to eat and drink, and baby was good to go in that area. We were cloth diapering, but used disposables on the trip - just bought one package at a time and so didn't have a lot to carry that way either. DS was happy as a clam - there was all this cool stuff to look at and he had both parents' undivided attention. He was used to sleeping in my arms all the time anyway because that was the only way he ever napped (he will let me put him down occassionally now, but that didn't happen till much later.) So his sleep schedule wasn't much disrupted.

We traveled by train, about 15 hours each way including overnight in a coach (didn't feel we could afford a sleeper - though if I do it again, which I may, since I have a friend's wedding to attend next summer, too, I will splurge on the sleeper!) Car travel was bad at that age b/c we couldn't move around with him at all, but train was fine, and I think a plane would have been somewhere inbetween because you can move some, just not as much as in a train.

So, only you can decide what's the best thing to do . . . but travel with a little tiny one might not be as bad as you think. It might be harder for you than for your baby. Which might be an equally valid reason not to do it.

Good luck.

[Marylizah]

Thanks for your input, Mamabeakley. I just have no idea what to expect, which makes this decision so difficult to make. I feel that infants in some ways are a lot easier to travel with than toddlers, since they don't need to be entertained or anything like that. I just don't know what kind of shape I'll be in, or what kind of schedule we'll be on that we might ruin if we take a relatively short trip with a 7 hour time difference...

Right now I'm leaning towards making the European trip, since that will involve no time changes and will be a shorter overall trip. But it breaks my heart to think of missing the wedding in the US.

[Mama2RMM]

I was in a wedding when Rach was 4 months old - it was only 4 hours away, but it was still a huge hassle. Finding a bridesmaid dress that would fit me having no clue what size I would be was tough, squeezing my newly breastfeeding boobs into the one I bought was even harder! Rach never took a bottle, so I wasn't able to really participate in much of the fun stuff (girls night out, hair/nail day) because I couldn't be away from her over a few hours still.

Pictures and toasting had to wait a few minutes on me because I was tending to Rachel. My Mom and my Husband were on hand to help, but sometimes only Mama can solved things.

Looking back, I think I would've explained the situation to my friend and asked if she would mind my being an honorary bridesmaid or a guestbook attendant. She was certainly very understanding of all the issues, but I think it would've been less a headache for her had she not worried about my involvement either.

FYI: This is my friend of over 20 years, so it was a big deal to me too.

[Marylizah]

That's an excellent point, Balawre. On top of all the travelling, I'll have to sort of "perform" in the wedding, which is stressful. My mom suggested that I skip the wedding and go visit my friend later on, since weddings are madness anyway and I wouldn't really even get a chance to be with my friend in a calm, fun way. Plus, because of bf'ing, I won't be able to participate in the undoubtedly slightly wild festivities.

Thanks to everyone who's answered me, it's so valuable having other people's experiences to draw on!

[flowmom]

When ds was 3 months old, we went to visit both of our parents 1000s of km away for a month (and a couple of shorter flights during that time). Ds was not a good flyer so that sucked, but otherwise the travelling was fine with him. He always adjusts to time changes pretty quickly (it was 3 hours) and doesn't seem rattled by being in another space. The awesome thing about breastfeeding and cosleeping and babywearing is that I am his home base - if I am there, everything is OK. So it's not a big deal for him to be in unfamiliar places, etc.

I've only been to one wedding since ds was born. I was the matron of honour at my sister's wedding when ds was 1.5 yo, and it totally sucked. Doing my responsibilities was a lot of work, caring for ds stopped me from really having fun and enjoying myself, and it all seemed like a huge waste of our time and money. I had to wear a hideous dress picked by my sister and it definitely did not flatter my post-baby flab : . Don't get me wrong, I love my sister. But it was so exhausting and I would never be in a wedding party while having small children again.

Having said that, if you don't have any responsibilities at the wedding and have a laid back baby and breastfeed and use a baby carrier - you can participate in the partying and have a great time! Mothers bring their babies to celebrations all around the world. Babies often love dancing and people and you can breastfeed anywhere of course.

You might surprise yourself and be more into doing stuff with your baby than you expect. But it's good to keep things flexible. In your place I would bow out of wedding parties, and RSVP a firm "maybe" for the weddings and stuff after the birth because really you won't know how you'll feel until you're there.

[Marylizah]

Just wanted to thank everyone again for the advice and say that I spoke to my friend in the US yesterday. I told her we would try to come, but that it wasn't sure. Unfortunately, I don't think she heard it quite that way, and she seems to think it is a done deal.

I'm still feeling a little uncomfortable with the idea, since it involves such a long flight, plus a FIVE hour roadtrip AND (I just learned) staying in a cabin with no hot water (although there is a bath house cabin nearby).

Well, I guess we still have time to figure all this out.... Thanks again for all the great insight, mamas.

[KatSG]

Originally Posted by Marylizah

Just wanted to thank everyone again for the advice and say that I spoke to my friend in the US yesterday. I told her we would try to come, but that it wasn't sure. Unfortunately, I don't think she heard it quite that way, and she seems to think it is a done deal.

I'm still feeling a little uncomfortable with the idea, since it involves such a long flight, plus a FIVE hour roadtrip AND (I just learned) staying in a cabin with no hot water (although there is a bath house cabin nearby).

Well, I guess we still have time to figure all this out.... Thanks again for all the great insight, mamas.

Ok, first I was going to tell you that travelling with a little baby isn't that hard, they generally nurse and sleep most of the time so it's not such a big deal...Then I was thinking that you never know what KIND of baby you're going to get so it's hard to say, and who knows what state of breastfeeding you're going to be in, God forbid you suffer from yeast problems or all the other things that makes those first months tricky...And I thought the same thing your mom said about visiting later when you can make the most of your time with your friend...

BUT when you said in a cabin with no running hot water...forGETit. I would never do that. If I'm going to come half-way around the world with a newborn and undoubtedly be exhausted, even if it's fun, I'm going to be comfortable.

If she doesn't have a baby she may not get it. When she has her first, remind her of what she asked of you, and she'll suddenly understand. Send a poem to be read by someone else so you can be there in spirit. And go to the wedding that's on your continent!

Just my .02.

[Marylizah]

LOL, the no hot water thing surprised me, too!

I think there are other places we could stay, we'd just be farther from all the festivities.

We're still debating-- my newest plan is to break up the trip on the way to the wedding and on the way back, since we have family in Detroit. That way, the family would get to meet the baby, we'd get a few days to adjust to the time difference in their house (they have a baby, so equipment is no problem), hit the wedding, head back to Detroit for a few days and then home.

I figure we can buy tickets and if for some reason we decide not to go on the trip, well, they generally give you a year to use the tickets. And we have lots of people to visit in the US, so they would definitely come in handy eventually.