recent events triggering memories

[ediesmom]

I recently had to take my geriatric dog to the vets for a simple check up. It has brought back caring for my mother in the years before her death. I just keep thinking of how hard it all was. Bringing her to the doctor and going away feeling even more scared. No answers. Only more pain, knowing how little they could do for her. And thinking that I could have been someone so much better. Beating myself up for some of the things I was thinking at that time. Beating myself up for being so edgy and tired and grumpy. Thinking what a wonderful person she was and how needy and scared she was. Wishing it could have been different. Wishing I had had more energy and knowledge and endless compassion. Wishing I could do it all over, so I could take back feeling frustrated.
And I miss her. I miss her so much. She was the glue that held our family together. She was strong. And kind and humble and unassuming. And fascinating. And smart.
My mother died a slow painful death from radiation necrosis. She survived the cancer, but the treatment eventually killed her. Her tissue died off, leaving holes in her intestines and her body that at first we tried to fix with surgery aand then the surgery wouldn't heal. And we tried everything. Hyperberic chambers, oxygen chambers, chinese medicine, painkillers, ..... And I would say that she had to stop taking the painkillers because she was going to burn down the house she was so out of it. She went to a nursing home, and she was so strong. So amazing. And she never came home.
I am sorry that I wrote this, and you had to read it. I have been so stoic since her death. Just thinking of going through another death and dying thing is too much.
Her name was Joyce.

[hipem]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Sounds like you were a strong source of support for your mom. Wishing you peace.

Emily

[motherbug]

Tears for you and your mom

Just reading your post brings tears to my eyes. I have the same exact feelings that you do. I lost my mother to complications from Diabetes less than 8 weeks ago. My father died of cancer just 9 weeks before her. At the same time, I was taking care of my dying father and dying mother. Doctor's visits, chemo, needles, medicine.....I was consumed with all of that! I was on basic survival mode, and I have three wonderful little ones whom I homeschool who went through every single dreaded moment with me. I was mean. Sometimes mean to my mother. I was mad that she was dying when Dad died. I got mad. Mad at having to go to a Doctors appointment when I should have been schooling my kids. Sometimes, I wonder if she even knew just how much I really loved her. I think she knew how fustrated and angry I was, though. Of course she knew. She felt guilty for dying when dad just died. And Dad, well - that is a whole other story. He wasn't even supposed to die. He was the healthy one. He just sneaked in there, got cancer - and whala - dies 4 months later!!!

So, I know so so much how you feel!! I wish I could offer some sound advice. Wish I knew something that could make it all go away for you. But, I don't have anything to offer. Just that I really really know how you feel, and I really am sorry because I wouldn't wish this aweful dreaded feeling onto anyone!! I miss my mother and father to the point that I feel sick. Sometimes, I feel like I am a stranger to myself. Who is that person staring back at me when I look in the mirror. I miss talking to my mom about the kids. She loved them (sometimes,more than I loved them : ) She was everything a grandmother should be and more!! She never interferred with my crazy parenting style (which is alot different than she was used to). Oh well, I am just sending you a hug and a huge amount of sympathy!!

feeling like a broken arrow, mommy to Ryan, Jordan and Olivia....my saving grace.

[motherbug]

p.s. my mom was Brenda-Joyce....funny, huh? My daughter is Olivia-Joyce.

Joyce.....good name

[mama4gals]

Oh, ladies, my heart goes out to you. My mom just died this afternoon. She'd had Parkinson's Disease for 25 years. I went up to see her Sat because my dad said the end was near. She died at home with my dad and 2 of my sisters there. He said it was very peaceful. I have such conflicting emotions. I wish I could've helped out more. I live 4 hrs away and have my own family. My sisters who live nearby helped my dad out a lot. I feel kinda guilty for just living far away. But I am glad that she has been released from the suffering. And somehow I feel that she's very near, like heaven is a lot closer than I thought. She was a great mother, something I never appreciated til I had kids of my own, But over the past 5 yrs or so, I've made sure she knew how much I loved her and what a great mom she'd been. I've said what I needed to say, many times. But even at almost 42, I still need my mother. And now she's gone. to you all.

Liz

[mainegirl]

I just wrote my own rambling post about my mother's death on October 13th. I'm so sorry for all of you who are grieving your own moms.

I'm glad that you had great relationships...my mother and I had a horrible relationship for such a long time, and it's only been the last five years or so that I put forth a huge effort to repair it and we were able to find some common ground. I'm so glad I did, but at the same time I feel as if I set myself up to feel even worse now that she's gone.

You have such wonderful memories of your mothers and how you were able to be there for them.

[ediesmom]

It helped so much to wake up this morning to all of your replies. I was surprised at myself for letting this out. It feels like I have been a robot since she got sick. I don't think I have processed how I felt about everything, just went through the motions as best I could. It feels good to say it was not okay and I don't want to be strong about it anymore.
My older dd called me last evening and asked what was wrong (from the tone of my voice) when I told her that taking Teva to the vet opened up so much about Nana, she said it wasn't silly and we talked a good long time about my mother and her dying. It was so healing to talk with someone who was there and loved her (and me). My family fell apart after she died, so there has been few of those conversations.
Hugs to all of you. Thank you for sharing your stories. I know I am not the only one who wishes that she was stronger and more compassionate and less frazzled during such an intense time. I know our mothers (and Dad's) were all grateful for all we had given them in their time of need.
(((hugs)))
ediesmom

[lisamarie]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) to all of you . Sadly, our grief can "wait" for us until we are able to start to process it. And anniversery dates, birthdays, certain foods or as you are describing of another loss, can trigger these feelings.

I lost my Mom last October 2004 and this past anniversery date was very hard, reliving the doctors appts., hospital visits, etc.

Know that you are not alone and we are with you.

Warmly~

Lisa