I am really sorry about your mom. I know how hard and stressful it is. Losing a parent is expected at some point in our adult lives, but we are never really ready for it. And you were only 31.
I will share some of my experiences with you. Not because I think it is going to make you feel better--I know better than that--but to let you know you are not alone.
My mom died on July 21st this past summer from breast cancer. She was sick for about 18 mos. before she passed away. Initially they gave her a 99% cure rate, but the cancer had already spread to her liver, though obviously no one knew it. A year after her lumpectomy, she got very ill with what she thought was the flu. It was right before Thanksgiving last year. Turned out it was the tumors in her liver making her sick. Even with that diagnosis, the dr. thought she might have several years left if she responded well to chemo. But she did not...she had a hard time with it and died when my DD was eight weeks old.
She went downhill very fast about 2 weeks after my daughter was born. And then she was gone. I am grateful that she got to meet and hold my daughter. But it's very hard knowing that my mom, who loved babies, isn't here to see her or DS grow up. She would be her everyday if I wanted her to, helping me out, babysitting, etc. She just adored taking care of DS whenever I had a dr.s' appt. etc.
When she first died, I handled it pretty well, and I guess I still am..the birth of DD kept me so busy and focused it was hard to be totally sad, you know? Such a joyous event raised everyone's spirits. But now that DD is 6 mos. old, we are in a routine, etc. and Thanksgiving is right around the corner, I am reminded of how much I miss her.
Sometimes I think I miss her more than my siblings, because they are all childless (by choice) and don't know what it is to be a mother or father and to feel that bond with your own parent increase as you learn the role that they played for so many years.
My dad just stopped over today and told me that he is DATING someone...this is just 3 mos. after my mom died. He was all but raving about this woman and is even double-dating with some friends of his and my mom's tomorrow night!
I want him to be happy--he is 70 yrs. old and Lord knows after caring for her through her cancer he deserves to be happy. But it was kinda weird, so soon after my mom's death. He's all infatuated with this woman and everything!
I do know that keeping busy and getting out has been my salvation. I know you said that you have a hard time with that, quite understandably. But I know the days I do get out with the kids are SO much better. I don't think I am dealing with the depth of pain and depression that you are facing, though. I am not trying to be glib with advice. My mom actually suffered from depression most of her adult life and I know that when you are suffering from it, you can't just get up and do stuff because someone tells you to. Maybe just take little steps? Like take your son outside, or go for a short walk, etc.
I also wanted to say I can relate to the knitting thing. My dad gave me a sweater that my mom started for me but never finished. I took a knitting class so that I could hopefully learn how to do it. Well, I enjoyed the class but I am having a hard time with the simple scarf that we are doing...sometimes I wonder if it is because of the grief aspect!
Hang in there...take refuge and comfort in your son...be good to yourself...hugs!!!
Oh mama, I'm so deeply sorry.
