Dogs dying -- old dog home or the truth?

[Treasuremapper]

Lie or tell the truth to my dd -- thats the question. Please help me.

My husband and I used to do dog rescue, mostly older adult mixed breed dogs with the exception of one mixed breed puppy who was badly injured by a car. We still have four geriatric mixed breed dogs left from our dog rescue days. The puppy is now almost nine years old. The others were rescued when they were adults, but they are at least twelve to fifteen years old, based on vet estimates.

Sadly, the inevitable is starting to happen -- these elderly dogs are starting to get so old that we think it is time to euthanize at least one of them -- my daughters' favorite dog who the vet estimated to be at least fifteen years old (she's a very small dog, and they live longer in general) .

I think there is a second dog who should also be euthanized because she estimated to be 12 years old and has a tumor growing out of her mouth that is the size of a baseball, but my dh disagrees. This dog is my husband's favorite dog, the best dog ever, and I think he just can't bear to let go of her yet. I feel that she is suffering and that it would be kinder to let her go peacefully. She is so old and fragile that surgery is out of the question.

Here is the question: my four year old daughter came up with an idea on her own which sounds like a graceful but dishonest solution -- sending the dogs together to the "old dogs home." That way, she said, her favorite dog would get good care and would be with her very best friend dog so she would not be scared. I am very tempted to go along with this fiction for two reasons: 1) dd would then believe that her favorite dog was still alive; and 2) both dogs could then have some peace from their pain.

However, I have since done some research and I fear that this lie may make things easier at first, her sense of betrayal and horror would make it so that she could never trust me again. Part of my concern is that the dog with the tumor in her mouth will probably be euthanized in a matter of weeks or months (as soon as my dh can get closure in his own mind), so it would be a pretty hard double blow to have two dog deaths that close together.

I admit that I told my daughter that our elderly toy poodle went to the old dogs home soon after she was born (we euthanized the poodle when our dd was about four months old). : I know this was wrong, but she was only about 25 months old and was asking about the toy poodle in all of her newborn pictures, and I didn't think she could understand so I told her the dog went went to the old dogs home. From time to time after that she mentioned the old dogs home and I told her the poodle was doing fine and was very happy there. :

My second dd is 25 months old. She is attached to the 15 year old dog, too. The girls adore this old dog, who is gentle and sweet and loves to go on walks with each girl holding one leash.

What do you think? Old dog home for both dogs or having two beloved dogs die within weeks of each other?

Thank you.

[polka123]

boy, that's a tough one.
We love to foster the rescue elder dogs!
they are so sweet.

let me think on this a while...

[Treasuremapper]

Help!

[shelbean91]

I'd explain the truth as gently as you can. It's hard, but necessary. We had to have our rott put to sleep when dd was 3 and we told her what was happening. She wasn't there when it happened, but she knows he was old and sick and couldn't get better, so the vet helped him die.

Don't know how right or wrong my way was, but that's what we did.

I'm so sorry for your loss- it's so hard.

[BusyMommy]

I wouldn't lie even if to shelter her.

Last month, my kids (2 & 4) had to watch a moose get hit and killed by a car and it was horrible. But, they're both very comfortable talking about how the moose's spirit is in Heaven and he just had to leave his body behind.

I think the "old dogs home" teachs her that we shuffle loved ones off when they get infirm. Better to let her start learning about the cycle of life and that they will always be loved and a part of the family but their pain needs to end.

[Treasuremapper]

Busymommy, you are right, I had never considered the fact that it teaches her that we send loved ones away when they get old. I guess as her mother that's not a very smart message to send.

A few minutes ago, I was just thinking about the other lies we tell kids that are happy... the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and, in our house, the candy elves that take away all of the extra candy on Halloween and Christmas. But somehow this lie seems heavier. My dh seems to be leaning in favor of the old dogs home. But in his family, ever time a goldfish died they replaced it with an identical fish.

[Kiyomi]

Originally Posted by BusyMommy

I think the "old dogs home" teachs her that we shuffle loved ones off when they get infirm. Better to let her start learning about the cycle of life and that they will always be loved and a part of the family but their pain needs to end.

I was just going to say this exact thing, so :

Good luck, mama...you'll figure out what to do.

[BusyMommy]

My heart breaks for you. I've been in your situation many times and it always hurts just as fresh and raw each time I think about it.




The candy fairy is an excellent idea!

[SKK]

we had to have our poor old dog euthanized in April.

I told ds (3 yo) that she died, but not that we put her down - i thought the concept of euthanasia was too hard for him to grasp. it was not a reach for him to have thought she just died on her own, b/c she had been sick for awhile, and declining for awhile, unable to walk, eating less and less, so he definitely knew something was wrong. sad situation...

[Momalea]

I grew up with lots of pets and was always told the truth about their death. I don't see any reason not to, it's a natural part of life and she will have her grief (as we are all entitled to) and she will be okay.
If you don't tell her the truth then whenever you talk about the dogs you'll have to lie to her about how they're okay and being taken cared of, etc. To me, that would feel like I was lying whenever I spoke about that dog(s). Someday you'll have to tell her what really happened and deal with her feelings about the story you made up...the truth is best.
And, if you tell her the truth, you can grieve together.
And losing a beloved pet is really hard.

[Treasuremapper]

My husband and I just discussed it and we are going with the truth. I really relied on your input to help guide my position. I was really going to push for the old dogs home until I read your posts.

Thanks for all of your help. This is going to be tough, especially since the other dog will soon follow.

[ediesmom]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It really sounds like you love your dogs, and they love you. This is the hardest thing a dog guardian has to do. My thoughts are with you, and yours.

As for telling your dc. I am so glad that you have decided to keep them in the loop. They love these dogs and deserve to know the truth. I think it will actually be easier in the long run.

You are doing the right thing all the way around.
Hugs to you.

ediesmom

[shannon0218]

As someone else said, I'd probably tell your kids that the dogs died but I'd leave out putting them to sleep I think--I'm just thinking of the panic the next time one of the dogs has to go to the vet--or next time you, dh or them have to go to the doctor.
But I totally agree with telling the truth. At 34 I still harbor a lot of anger about my parents telling me my old dog Sam loved it at the boarding kennel so much after our vacation that he stayed so he could run in the fields. I know they did what they thought best at the time, but when I think about it still makes me angry.

[coleslaw]

I am so sorry that you are faced with all of this. A loss of a pet is so difficult.

I'm glad you are going to tell her the truth. My 3+yo dd had to deal with our cat dying, 2 siblings, a great-grandfather and great-grandmother all within 1 1/2 years. She knows about how some people and animals get buried, some get cremated. When our cat died, we blew bubbles for Oreo and we talked about her and how she would have loved the bubbles. She gets sad, especially for her sister Grace, but I think she is a more sympathetic person because of it. I would answer all questions she asks as honestly and age appropriately as possible. There are books out there, but I can't think of one at the moment. Maybe reading a book on this topic before the dogs die would be a good option. I wouldn't bring up the term "putting them to sleep" because to me she may associate sleeping with dying. I would bring them to the vet without her knowing and then tell her they died.

Good luck with everything.

[SKK]

Originally Posted by coleslaw

I would bring them to the vet without her knowing and then tell her they died.

That's what we did. DS thought that we took her to the vet's to get her medicine and she died there. (OK, I'm nearly crying just writing that, because you *are* supposed to go to a vet to get medicine for your animal, not to have them put down... it just so goes against every fiber, even though it is sometimes necessary). I just couldn't tell DS about the fact that we had her put to sleep because I felt he would not understand that we did not *kill* her to be malicious but instead to be merciful.

[rainsmom]

We had to euthanize our cat 2 yrs ago and one of our dogs 2 weeks ago....and I was truthful with dd who was 2.5 w/the first pet and 4 now. We told her that they go over the rainbow.....referring to the rainbow bridge. She was present for both euthanasias, and we had funerals afterwards. She handled them both wonderfully.

I found 2 books at the library for children that have been really helpful:

Dog Heaven....by Cynthia Rylant
...about what the place where dogs go when they die is like...beautifully illustrated.

Ill Always Love You...by Hans Wilhelm
....about a little boy who grows up with a dog, watches as the dog grows old, then wakes up to find the dog has passed away, yet he knows its ok bc every night he told the dog he would always love him.


sorry for your loss.

[Treasuremapper]

Thank you, I will check our local library for those books. Her nursery school also recommended a book about death called Lifetimes.

[polka123]

ITA with the pps that honesty is the best policy & never use the "put to sleep" phrase


do recite the RAINBOW BRIDGE story when the time comes

[Treasuremapper]

Regarding the horrible phrase "put to sleep"...

my younger sister was terrified to go to sleep for almost six months when she was around four or five because she was afraid she would die in her sleep. Nothing could persuade her she would not die in her sleep because of the common use of this expression.

[teacup]

I'm so glad you decided to tell your daughter the truth. Learning about loss is an important part of growing up, and having a pet die is a helpful first lesson. Living things grow, get older, and die. It's all a cycle. I recall when our first pet died; I was quite young. Younger than 7, I know. I drew pictures of him, and him with our family. It was obviously me working out my grief. Encourage her to talk about your pet. Maybe tell her that there are many things you can feel when someone dies (anger, disbelief, sadness, etc).

I'm very sorry for your loss. We had our sweet kitty boy euthanized a few weeks ago and it is so painful. They become a part of what my friend calls your internal landscape. They are good friends. Take care.

Oh, and a poem I recited when we buried him may help your husband: In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver. So true.