Can you say.....?

[Kiddoson]

Do you use this phrase? Such as "can you say thank you" to the lady at the store etc. I find myself dong this but somehow it doesn't feel right. DD is very polite, and almost always says please and thank you to us, and often to other people but sometimes she doesn't. This is when I find myself saying this.

What do you do?

[Liz]

I say it too. My DS is very good with pleases and thank yous to me but never says it to strangers even if I remind him. I think allot of time it's my way of letting the stranger know I noticed he didn't say it and we're working on it. I know I shouldn't need to do this but my sense of etiquette won't let me let it go.

The worst? Sometimes I say it to dh...

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

My father always reminded us with a, "What do you say?" Kids get so wrapped up in their own stuff they just forget and need a reminder. I can see myself using this when my children are at this age.

[sozobe]

I tend to say "DID you say..." I have an excuse because I'm deaf and might have missed it, but it seems a little more positive, in the assumption that she would on her own but she might not have yet.

[monpetitfils]

I do this to. I think it's a good thing. I feel like I am helping him to develop a good habit, manners and also a way to teach him what being thankful means... pointing out the instances in which we are thankful.

Tara

[annekka]

Sometimes DS gets a little shy around strangers (not always, but sometimes) so I'll try and whisper a little reminder ("What do you say...") but I don't make a deal about it if he shies away from saying thank you. Speaking to adult strangers can be intimidating for a toddler (with some people more than others) so I don't want him to feel pressured to communicate more than he is comfortable. As long as he's not being downright rude most people understand.

If he is being rude ("Want that cookie NOW" to the clerk at the market) I'll say something like "What is the nice way to ask for the cookie?" Then he'll ask again in a more polite way. He's actually really good about it, and I feel that overcorreting speech can result in a reluctance to speak at all, so I try and keep it to a minimum. But sometimes I have to remind him to think of a more appropriate way to express himself.

[monpetitfils]

but I don't make a deal about it if he shies away from saying thank you

I think that's important too. I never pressure my son to talk to people if he doesn't feel like it.

Tara

[Kirsten]

I have used "what do you say?" and "did you say thank you?" but more often now I just quietly ask if they remembered their manners. A lot of times, when we are in the car on the way somewhere (a friend's house for a playdate, library music time, or whatever) I mention that I expect them to use their good manners. They are both very good about it actually. (ages 6 and 2 now - there is nothing cuter than a 2 year old saying "fank you")
When they remember their manners without being reminded I always give them a big smile or tell them what nice manners they have or how so-and-so must appreciate being thanked, etc.
I am 33 and still remember how nice it was to be well received for having good manners as a small child - almost 30 years ago! Good manners never go out of style and it is so worth the time and effort to teach them to our kids.
Kirsten

[sozobe]

That's an interesting point, about how people react to the nice manners. My dd is a major please-and-thank-you gal at 2, and people always fuss over her big time, which she likes. (She says "thank you Mommy" without a second thought, like when I give her food, but her new thing [from a Pooh video] is to say when something especially nice has happened, "Thanks, Mommy, you saved my life!!" )

Btw, I think she gets all of this less from the reminders (rare) than from the fact that I always say please and thank you to her. ("Can you please put away your toys? Thanks!!")

[Kiddoson]

Originally posted by sozobe

Btw, I think she gets all of this less from the reminders (rare) than from the fact that I always say please and thank you to her. ("Can you please put away your toys? Thanks!!")

I totally agree, I remember how surprised I was when she started saying thank you, i had never said anything to her about it, she just learned it from us. Sometimes she says thank you to a clerk or someone before I do... very cute!

I like the idea of asking if they remembered their manners, less like coaching I think.

[newmamma]

We use sign language with our ds and although right now he is too young to understand saying "please and thank you" we are teaching him the signs and then when he is older and we are in public we plan on looking at him when he forgets his manners and using the sign as a reminder. Hopefully that is going to work!!

[citizenfong]

My ds is not yet able to say "Please" and "thank you" yet, but when he was very small I used to say, "Say thank you very much, Miss xxx" You know how people do with babies all the time? "Say I'm 4 months old!" or "Say I'm not big enough to eat a lollypop yet!"

Anyway, I had to quit doing it because I realized that people were actually then expecting him to say "thank you". This was when he was like 11-12 months old! Up until recently people have thought he was much older than he was--he was born with a full head of hair. He had his first haircut at five months old. It's only now that his agemates have started to catch up with him in that department (he's 20 mos). I guess if you see a little fella with a professional haircut, you just assume he must be over two!LOL

[sea island mama]

We have always used please & thank you with dd & she is usually pretty good. If she forgets, I say, "what do you say?" & lately as well as "thank you" she has been adding "for the _____", which people really like. I also don't push it if she is being shy. I'll just look at the person, shrug & say, "not today" or "not this time" & they seem to understand.
Helen

[nikirj]

We have never once reminded my daughter to say thank you to someone.

What we have done is that we always thank her, and always ask her with a 'please' if we are asking for something. She, of course, mimics us. So lately she has been really great about saying 'thanks' or 'thank you' when it is appropriate :-).

Our thought has always been that she will say 'thank you' if she means it. If she doesn't say it, and it should be said, we will say it for her. This is rare.

We DO prompt for 'please' a lot, because our daughter got in the habit of demanding things a couple of months ago and it is really quite irritating. At first, we would whisper 'say please' while cocking our heads to listen; now we just turn an ear and she gets the idea. She is getting much better at it :-).

Nicole
mama to Becca (2/1/00) and Tony (12/2/01)

[lilyka]

I just tell her to say please if she forgets. When she forgets it is because she is excited, surprised or otherwise distractred by the action itself. She is so funny, if she forgopt to say thanks and remembered later it would be a crisis so it is easier on me just to remind her.

[Solange]

oh yes
And I hate that I do it too...I just caught myself doing it last night and thought jeez can I give it a break already? My son is only 2!!...LOL...
ITA with the thought that through my modeling of please's and thank you's is a much better way of going about it than starting to sound like my mother...ugh...Oh no it is happening....

[CarrieL]

Oh I think teaching them to say thank you is definitely appropriate even at 2 or earlier personally. You don't have to scold them if they don't obviously but it's never too young to learn pleasant ways to deal with people.

My dd is another who gets really shy, says please and thank you a lot at home (though certainly not all the time) but almost never says it to strangers. She hardly speaks to them at all LOL. I think I say, can you say thank you? and she usually looks sheepish and whispers it.