Where were your kids during labor and birth?

[mosky22]

I haven't been on these boards for a while, so I'm a little out of touch.
I'm interviewing doulas right now, and I have been asking them about their birth experinces where other children were present. I am so surprised by some of the responses I've been getting. The general consensus seems to be that having your other kids around is distracting, and can inhibit the labor from progressing. While I understand this, I am still confused.

My daughter is 3 and she is very aware that there is a baby in my womb and will be comming out soon. We just started talking about how the baby comes out and whether or not she wants to come to the hospital with us for the birth. I need to get a handle on this becasue I want to be able to focus and prepare her, so that when the time comes she is comfortable with what is going on around her.

Please share any personal stories or refernces like books or videos that you found helpful.

TIA

[MamaTaraX]

When I had my 2nd, my 1st was right there with us. We took him to a Siblings-At-Birth class thatthe hospital offered. Yes, a hospital that *encourages* siblings to be present for births! The class was great, geared for kidsages 3 and up. He lovedit and chose to roleplay the midwife whenthey acted out a birth. I was proud He was an awesome asset to thebirth. He announced the sex and cut the cord. He plans to do the same this time around, perhaps with a little help from his little brother.

Some parents are uncomfortable with their older children there. Mama can't take care of them. So it's imparitive, in myopinion, to have someone there who is support solely for the older child, especially when that little. They need someone to answer their questions, play with them, and remove them if they get too upset. I think children should be involved in the births of their little siblings, as much as they are comfortable. I think it is incredibly beneficial to the sibling relationship. My boys are very close andI think that it is in great part to the factthat #1 was a complete part of the pregnancy AND birth. He wentto midwife appointments with me,we read books together, we really prepared him. There wasn't one instanceof jealousy or anything whenthe new baby came. He helped latch hisbaby brother on to nurse andcarried him around, held him, read to him. I think it'sbecause of his involvement. Normally women go into labor and they depart fro mtheir children only to return with a new baby. There is a certainlevel of disconnection there andI think that has something to do with sibling interaction, especially "sibling rivalry". (of course it can happen evenwith involved sibs!)

A lot of people aren't around children at other births,so they don't know what to expect from them. I get mixed reaction from people who know that my oldest was at his brother'sbirth. Usualy people are really interested and worry if he was scared. My best advice is to prepare your little girl as much as you can. See if you can find a sibling-at-birth type classin your area. If you can'tfind one,see ifthere is a doula or CBE who can whip something up for you quickly, I'm sure someone would be happy to. Read birth-related books to your daughter, have her help out at doctor/midwife visits, take her to visit the place where you will birth. Show her videos of births. Pretend to give birth. Get someone to take care of her at the birth. Most of all,don't worry about what other peopel think of her being there. If your hospital is cool with it, then it's cool. Ihope you have a fantastic birth!! not much longer I see

ETA: Duh! You asked for references too! I'll be back with them. Gotta get back to housework, midwife comingin two hours

Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (7), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)

[burke-a-bee]

When I had DS#2 I had my son (2) at the birth center. He came in and out of the room I was laboring in. I did find myself distracted by having him running about. I was worried about what he was doing and whether he figured out how to open the front door. Plus he became scare when I started to moan and grunt. He ran out of the room several times beacuse of that and I couldn't comfort him.
With DS#3, I had him at home and my MIL took them to the beach while I labored. (It was only a 35 minute labor so it worked out fine.) It was an intense birth so I'm glad they missed it. Both my sons came back right after the birth and baked cookies and hung out with the baby. I really liked this better.
Now with #4 on the way we are trying to decide where they can go while I homebirth.

[EmmalinesMom]

Emmaline was 3.5, and she was in and out with my dad. (Hospital setting) She did really well, and I found that I enjoyed having her close.

[lizabird]

I have no personal experience here, but I have been thinking about this. DS is now almost 2 and we're thinking about another baby arriving when he's about 3 and perhaps I am a little obsessed with this, but I am wondering what we'll do with DS when #2 arrives. I think the most important thing is to prepare #1 well so they know what is going to happen, and then to have someone there with #1 full-time while mom is laboring so mom doesn't have to worry about what #1 is doing. Then it's up to you whether you are comfortable having #1 close by or preferring him/her to be off doing something else for a while. I think I would get really distracted but I also want to know what DS is doing - of course I have lots of time to think about this still...
Good luck!!

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

my dd turned 4 just 12 days before my ds was born. I had him at the birh center with a midwife and she was there thru most of my labor and came in and out as she pleased both my and dh's parents were there and they watched her so that having her there was not stressful at all on me. She got to see ds right after he was born as my screaming was to scary for her to stay in the room all the time. I am so happy that she was able to share it with me.

All thru my pg we watched those shows on the discovery channel a baby story and others like that so she knew the baby was gonna come out of my tummy and pretty much knew how. She even mentioned pooping the baby out a time or 2 :

[eminer]

My dd was with me toward the beginning of labor (my favorite moment was when she decided to try out imitating my posture during a contraction), then with dh during most of the hard part of the labor. I felt like being alone, so they played games and ran out to get me food. Dd was right next to me, outside the bathtub, while I was pushing. And afterwards, she was nursing alongside the baby.

While I was pregnant, we owned and read *Being Born* by Sheila Kitzinger, a great book with pictures of fetal development. She saw a video of a cow giving birth, at the state fair. She and dh played birth with her dolls and stuffed animals (I was played by a cow puppet...the hole where your hand normally goes in served as vagina ). And she and I had discussed the baby and birth, spontaneously, as it came up.

[Attached@TheHippie]

I have a question about siblings at birth.. do you think there is a sibling who may be too young, or even too old to have present? Im just curious because I would love for my kids to be there at the birth of this one (number 3) my oldest will be a couple weeks shy of 11, and he really has no interest. I am encouraging it, but not pushing the issue. He wants to be there right afterwards to see and hold his new baby though. And dd will only be 19 or 20 months at the time of birth. Is that too young? Right now she has no clue that Im even pregnant even though I keep trying to help her understand. Im afraid she will only be scared and want to nurse.

[AngelBee]

With me

[muse]

I think it totally comes down to what is most comfortable for the mother, and whether the children want to be there. I completely agree with pp that there needs to be someone there who is totally there to support the child(ren).

Ds was 3 when DD was born. I knew I'd want him at the birth and prepared by hiring a doula who would focus her attention on him, and watching birth videos, talking about it with him. It was always up to him wether he would be there or not. I had a homebirth, so slightly different. Where I live a child would not be allowed into the hospital for a birth.

Throughout my labour DS was in the pool with me, or watching videos/playing with the doula. I found I really wanted to be near him through the most intense contractions; somehow his presence was very helpful to me. And he seemed to take it all in his stride. Interestingly though it was after he got ready for bed and snuggled up with the doula reading books that I went into transition. I've heard many stories about how women need to know that their other children are completely taken care of before they can fully give themselves over to the next birth. We asked DS would he like us to wake him up when the baby was being born, and he said, "I will wake myself up before that", and he was right. About 10 mins before I pushed her out he came padding into the living room and climbed into the pool with me and DH. So he was right there with me and watched DD come out under the water. I wouldn't give up that experience for the world

[JBaxter]

My sons were older when ds 3 was born 12&9 they were both there and did great. My oldest had alway said he would leave before the baby "came out" but in the end he didnt want to leave and said it was ( and I quote) Way cool.

[Mallory]

Last time my 19 month old was there. I had never been away from him and having him be gone during labor would not have made things easier for me. He was in and out of bed nursing, then in and out of the tub, and then held by my friend and watched the actual birth. It was good for us.

This time they will be 6 1/2 and almost 5. As long as they want to be here they can, if not they can go next door. I am pretty sure the 6 yo will stick it out, I don't know about the 5 yo.

I think if kids want to be around they should be (if you don't mind), but it is good to have a back up plan where they can get a little space if they need to.

[grace's voice]

We're in the process of preparing our 3 yr old daughter to be a part of our birth.

Juels has always been drawn to pregnancy and birth, so it's been going really well. She's been exposed to birth videos/TV shows since she was about a year old, and also looks at many books. Lately we've been getting videos from the Library. I just expain things as the movie plays. She knows about all the sounds mommy's can make during labor, and that they are good healthy sounds that make the mommy feel better. I have also made sure to prepare her for the "perineal cry" bc with the last 2 pushes when I had her I screamed pretty loud, and I really want her to know that mommy isn't in danger. I am also going to find someone to be with her during labor, for comfort and incase she gets hungry and whatnot. I think we're going with a birth center birth, if not we will be doing it at home (assuming no risks come up, of course). Now she likes to play "having a baby" and will put a doll up her shirt and practice pushing it out (she's pretty good at the sounds! lol) and I will coach her on her breathing and keeping sounds low etc. Gosh, by the time I go into labor she'll probably be a better coach than dh! I also plan on having her come to our Bradley classes where she can see us act out labor and all that. I also plan on discussing with her about when things don't go perfectly. I think you should cover some of what can happen, as in, having to be transferred to a hospital, c/s, birth defects, still birth, etc. These things could be very traumatizing to a child who has only heard of/seen smooth births.

I think children should be asked if they want to be a part of it, particularly older children. My ex was 14 when his parents forced him to watch the birth of his brother, from the recieving end. He's still upset about it... not bc he thinks birth is gross (he doesn't), but simply because he didn't want to be there at that age and he wasn't given a choice.

[mbhf]

kieran was a week shy of 22 months when caleb was born, and he knew there was a baby in there. the plan was for my inlaws to watch him, but for him to be there for the birth (homebirth) but they live 8 hours away so i don't know what i was thinking.

anyway. my labor was very quick (woke up around 3 am, he was born just after 5) and kieran woke up when the midwife arrived. he laid on the bed with me for most of the labor, and when it was time to get down to business, dh put on a video for him and he sat on the end of the bed until caleb wa born. i remember when his head came out, i said "oh!" and my midwife said "OH!" and i looked over my shoulder at kieran and he was perched on his hands and knees watching. it was perfect.


i think it really helped him to see the baby come out of mommys tummy.

we did watch part of a birth video my midwife gave us, i think it was laura shandley? im not sure.

[applejuice]

I had four homebirths and my children were with me each time. What is the big deal?

Rule of thumb: never separate family members at times when there is a crisis or a celebration.

Family members need each other.

That is why I feel hospitals are so bad - they separate family members from each other when they truly need each other. Even when a father is there with the mother in labor, he is told to leave when the mother receives an internal exam or is prepped for surgery...just when she really needs him the most.

[burke-a-bee]

Well my son watched tons of births on videos and it still didn't prepare him for ME being in labor. I think it was different when he saw me grunting and moaning. I definately don't want him to be here for the next one because I gave blood last week and he almost passed out. His lips turned white and he had to lay down. The midwife was fanning him and giving him sips of water. (He won't be a doctor).
I'm not trying to be discouraging but telling you what works best for us.
Oh I should mention that my last two labors were 3 hours for one and 35 minutes for the last. So they weren't away from me for long.

[momto l&a]

I have had 3 hb's, each time the girls/s where alseep in the next room. Daddy woke them up as soon as the baby was born

[FreeRangeMama]

I think this is the biggest issue that people overthink and over worry about. Let them be whereever they want to be. For my 2nd birth ds1 watched. He was most disturbed by the crying baby and never gave the actual birth much thought. He was thrilled to get to blow out the candles we had lit though :LOL He was 2.5. My 3rd birth happened so quickly that it was a solo birth. Dh was in the living room with the boys. The 3 of them heard dd cry and me shout "she's born" and they all came running. The boys dived on top of me and kissed her all over. They were 4 and 19 months at the time. I love UC births because they are just so.......normal. No big event with lots of strangers and commotion. It seems to really help it be nothing but joyous for all of us

[applejuice]

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

I think this is the biggest issue that people overthink and over worry about. Let them be whereever they want to be. For my 2nd birth ds1 watched. He was most disturbed by the crying baby and never gave the actual birth much thought. He was thrilled to get to blow out the candles we had lit though :LOL He was 2.5. My 3rd birth happened so quickly that it was a solo birth. Dh was in the living room with the boys. The 3 of them heard dd cry and me shout "she's born" and they all came running. The boys dived on top of me and kissed her all over. They were 4 and 19 months at the time. I love UC births because they are just so.......normal. No big event with lots of strangers and commotion. It seems to really help it be nothing but joyous for all of us

Totally true. Absolutely true!

I am speaking from the perspective of a child who was born at home, a big sister whose younger siblings were born at home and as a parent whose four children were born at home. Been there and done that.

You are absolutely correct. People over think this aspect.

Congratulations to you and your wonderful family.

[cottonwood]

When I was in labor with my second, it became apparent that my almost-two-year-old was going to be distracting (he was running around the house playing and I wanted quiet) so he went with his grandparents for the day. With my third and fourth the children were all in the house but asleep. My oldest son wanted to be present for the last birth and I was open to that, but looking back I'm glad he wasn't, because it turned out to be very good for my husband and I to have that intimate time together. The nature of the labor and how I responded to it was certainly different than it would have been had the kids been around (or anyone for that matter.) Knowing that, I would definitely plan to have them elsewhere (if not asleep) if I were to give birth again.