What "issue(s)" are you dealing with?

[*Amy*]

Like I said over in the weekly thread, I didn't want to hijack our usually positive conversation over there with my ISSUE, which just happens to be my MIL. I know some of you are dealing with that as well, and others are dealing with partner issues, or figuring out how to mother 2 babies, or whatever!! Maybe it'll be therapeutic to just get it all out. So here goes.

The main issue with my MIL is that she keeps insisting that she wants to be here for the birth OR immediately afterwards and keeps telling me I will need her help. She still hasn't bought her plane ticket up here yet (she lives in TX and we live in OH) and I'm thinking it's because she just isn't going to do what we've asked, which is to wait til around 12/22 or 12/23 to come up; I think she is hoping that I will somehow change my mind after Brynn is born. She would never admit it, of course, but I think that's her agenda.

A little refresher background on me so you can see the bigger picture - I have my own completely not-stable mom, and I haven't talked to her in over 3 years (by my choice) so obviously I have some "mom" issues already. I haven't had one in so long that I have really kind of forgotten what it's like to have one, and I've managed just fine by getting my mothering from the other wonderful women in my life. But I have boundaries with respect to someone trying to assume that position, and I feel like those are healthy boundaries that have resulted from YEARS of therapy about my mom and my life.

The thing is though, I still have my vulnerabilities. I have been emotionally abandoned by so many important people in my life (mother, ex-husband, previous boyfriend before DH) that I am still subject to worrying about people I love being taken away from me, and who could be more important (and therefore make me more vulnerable) than my daughter?? The though of MIL coming in and trying to take on the role of mommy with MY child makes me have knots in my stomach!! It makes me angry, it makes me want to fight it out....(sigh)...so that tells me that I still have a lot of work to do in this area.

So the thing with DH's mom is that right from the start, she has been trying to be my mother-figure despite my obvious resistance. DH has talked to her about it and she says she's not trying to be my mom, but it's obvious. I think the real issue for her is that she feels threatened by me and my relationship with DH, so I think her (probably subconscious) tactic was to try to create a dominant-submissive relationship with me so that she wouldn't have to feel threatened. Well that didn't work, clearly! She's not even old enough to be my mom, so I hardly think of her as an authority figure.

Now, with the baby, it's like she has a new mission in life. It feels to me like she really feels that she has some sort of special status with MY child, like she is #2 mom or something, and that is the real root of the issue for me. She continually calls Brynn HER baby and keeps telling me and DH that she wants to be here for the birth, etc. Well I think she's finally realized that that isn't going to happen, but she hasn't given up on coming up right away, which also - not going to happen!

The thing is, she is not a bad person. She really is kind and has done a lot of nice things for us and the baby during my pregnancy. I just can't get over my feelings of territorialness over my house and my child! And I know that it's not *just* me because I don't feel this way about anyone else!!

I keep trying to figure out what she *really* wants, and I guess it's just that she wants to feel important. I mean, we all do, of course, but I think she wants some kind of extra-special status beyond just "grandmother." Like I said, she wants to be mom #2 (or really, she probably just wants to be mom #1, in all honesty). That's what freaks me out, and what I can't stop fighting against mentally when I think about this situation.

It is *totally* a power-struggle at this point, and I am torn because I really don't want to give in and feel vulnerable, especially at such an intense time in my life when I want to enjoy the process of becoming a mom. On the other hand, I ask myself what would happen if I just tried a little harder to make her feel involved and important. Would that be enough to get her to see and respect my boundaries? I don't know.

Sorry if this is a little choppy - I have had so many thoughts about this it's hard to keep them organized!

Anyway, thanks for just listening to me ramble. It helps me to process it when I write it all out, and of course I welcome any words of wisdome y'all can share!

[spiritmomma]

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this... Believe it or not, it has really helped me to see some of my own issues. My particular issue isn't with my MIL so much as that same guarded feeling of having too many people over to the house or to the birthing center and "taking my baby away from me." You and I both probably know that no one is really trying to do that, but after being abandoned many times in our lives, we struggle to hold on to those people and experiences that we have longed for. I understand where you are coming from and want to thank you for posting this so that I could understand myself better.



I think my issue is that my mom is pretty involved (and that is fine with me) but I may want to do things on my own. She has a tendency to be overhelpful (which unfortunately for MY loved ones, I inherited and am working through). When I told her we were buying a house, she asked what kind of furniture we want, what kind of sheets, etc... Which is wonderful and kind and thoughtful, but I am really wanting to do some of that on my own. I would like for my husband and I to wait until we can afford these things and pick them out ourselves. And with the baby, the feeling is that need for independence times a thousand! She bought SO much stuff for the baby (which again, I am SO GRATEFUL that she cares and has the ability and willingness to help, don't think me spoiled or unthankful.) It's just that I haven't picked out a single thing for my own first baby.

Then there's my dad's new girlfriend. I don't even know her and she's always offering herself, her time, telling me she loves me!?!?! She has invited herself into a space in my life that I didn't offer to her. She thinks she is my family. And by default, if she is my family, she is my baby's family. I am feeling that same territorialness! I feel like an animal guarding my young! If you don't smell just right I might strike if you get too close!

I am able to laugh at myself, but the underlying feelings are still there. I know what you mean. Don't worry, though. All you need is LOVE. It is still your birth experience, still your experience of motherhood, still your beautiful newborn baby. Just remember to be LOVING since your baby picks up on every rhythm. Good luck!

[gratefulbambina]

I have a pretty close feeling with my MIL. She is really sweet & always wants to do stuff for us. On the other hand she also is always making me feel that she knows my husband more because she is his mom & I feel that we are constantly fighting for things in my life even my dog...she seems to take her away from me when shes here visiting.

She has even gone so far to slip up & call herself mom SEVERAL times to my daughter instead of grandma. She says that she loves me & thinks of me as the daughter she never had, but then will start fights & play the marter on things that have happen in the past that she thinks the worst on. We (me & my husband) cannot say anything to her because she will twist it to where we are horrible people & dont want her in our lives. Shes almost pushing it to where I dont want her in my life because shes making it to where Im so friggin uncomfortable around her I would rather it be that way. Heres a few examples

My daughter had to have surgery at 6 months. My MIL lives in another state & doesnt get to see her/us as often as my mom who lives near us. So we thought that it would make more sense if she came right after the surgery so she could actually spend time with us & Alex & see Alex in a not so stressful time & since Alex was just starting solids maybe be able to feed her & what not. We just thought that it would be better for her & us since she wouldnt see us that much being we would be at the hospital for a few days. She FLIPPED out & said we were cutting her out of our daughters life & just shocked us with what she thought.

Another time we went to an amusement park with her & her sister (so many details about this woman that Im going to have to leave out, but she is poison) Anyways...they both smoke & I dont trust that they wouldnt smoke around my child at least the sister. Well his mom would hold Alex on the few rides that I decided to ride with my husband & EVERY time I got off a ride, they were no where to be found. I freaked out it was friggin riduculous & I thought they were doing it on purpose to either piss me off or to smoke. And at one point his mom stood only feet away from her sister with my child as her sister was smoking. I kept having to tell her to please not be near this woman as shes smoking. The last day as we were leaving we met them at a gas station. She came & got Alex from me & brought her to her van that everyone had just or for all I know was smoking in at the time. I walked over & told her to get her out of the van & she again FLIPPED out told me dont even think of taking her grandchild from her & then proceeded to YELL & scream at my husband in the middle of a gas station parking lot. Have they ever apologized for this uh no

So fast forward to this summer...we all had a family discussion with his mom over her past behavior & we think alot of it has to do with her hanging out so much with her sister who just poisons her mind & is a VERY negative influence on her. After this conversation everything was hunky dory during this same conversation, I asked if she could take 2 weeks off & be there for me & Alex after I give birth, but the condition was that her sister did not come. She said no problem. Since then her job has change so she can only take a week off which is fine, but then a couple weeks ago she calls begging that her sister be able to come. We said no that this is a special time for us, we want it this way. My husband wants to be able to spend time with his mom w/o her sister always having to be here too & she flips out & brings up everything that I wrote above how we are keeping her out of the family etc. Which doesnt make sense because we wanted her to come just not her sister??????

WOW did I just hijack your thread or what Sorry

your not alone, just wanted to point that out but instead posted my own therapy!

[samsmamma]

Mother issues. Whew. That's a biggie. I think I've posted a bunch about my mom and how I've been dealing with all that in therapy.

I understand your situations and can relate in a lot of ways. But my problem isn't MIL - I adore her. I wish she were here. She is awesome, a truly wonderful woman who gives me a lot of strength and support, who raised DH to be a wonderful man. I'm not saying she's perfect, but she is great. She doens't know when she'll be able to come out and is really pretty depressed about it. She wanted to be here for the birth, but she is on the west coast and has some issues with her house that she is building etc, so she is pretty tied up right now.

My issues are MY mom. And I could go off in a million directions, but you really struck a chord with the whole "my baby" thing. My mom refers to Sam as her baby and this one is her baby, too. "We're having a baby!" You know? Even though we need some stuff for the whole family - like a new bed - she will only buy things for Sam and baby. And that is very nice and generous, but if you ask me what I need and I tell you money towards a mattress, why spend 100s on baby clothes at that point?

I was talking to her one day about what a great kid Sam is and how much he has picked up his dad's charisma etc and she proceeded to claim additional responsibility for his awesomeness because SHE plays in the sandbox with him. And things like that.

When Sam was born, she was at the birth. I didn't want her there, but she was great and strong, and other than the fact that she ate a tuna sandwich while I was in labor (no tuna allowed this time!) she was super cool. But the next day, she showed up at the hospital unannouced right at the start of visiting hours. Why? To be there every second with Sam. She got angry if I let other people hold him. I told her that this time I will of course need help around the house with entertaining Sam and getting a break and dishes and cooking etc etc and she said well of course but i really need to hold the baby.

She needs to touch my belly all the time - I let anyone touch my belly but it repulses me when she does for some reason. And she has to talk to my belly all the time so baby knows who she is.

In the meantime, she still talks to Sam like an infant (high pitched voice, referring to herself in the 3rd person, etc etc) and it is really annoying.

I know my issue is taht I need to establish boundaries. My mom has no friends, no life really outside of her family. and I enable it by emailing her each time she emails me or calling just to say hi. I swear, some days I must speak to her more than I speak to DH! And I need to stop that. But I feel bad for her so I can't really. I hate to say it, but she's kind of a pathetic human being. She lacks any confidence, she has poor manners and attitude, she's quite mean and manipulative and shows love materialistically rather than emotionally. She doesn't like DH even though she says she does and I believe that she would like nothing more than for my marriage to fall apart and me and the kids to have to come and live with her. I'm not kidding. I wish I was.

So I dont know how this will all play out. We need to see. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I doubt it. And she lives right here, too, so it's not like I can do an avoidance by being on the other side of the country. Or the world! She will be at the birth because it is her job to take care of Sam if he gets uncomfortable or antyhing.

So that's my take on the issue. I have no advice! But I send hugs, that's for sure.

[Frigga]

Are you sure she's trying to superceed your position? Or is she trying to have a place, or keep a place in your hubby's life? Does your hubby have any siblings? I guess my reason for asking all these questions is because I've had a terrible time realizing that for the most part, once boys turn 18 and leave, they're gone, and don't stay as close to Mom as daughters do. This is just my personal experience with my uncles, my brother, and my hubby. This really scares me. I love my 2 guys more than anything, and I fear the day they run off and disconnect with me. My DH tries to comfort me, but alas, some things are just going to have to stand the test of time to heal these reservations. And if your hubby is an only child, well, that makes it even worse! I despiratly don't want to become a mother or grandmother that budges and pushes and schemes to worm her way into things to keep contact. I know these things can keep one further away, but I can understand those that do, even if I dislike them! None of this excuses a MIL behavior for interveining or pushing her desires over another, but I guess as an optimist, I try to see things in a brighter light and think she's perhaps just trying to hold onto the relationship she had with her son, and make sure she's part of her new grand-daughters life. I've never lost anyone close to me, or had the disappointments you are talking about, so perhaps, I can't relate as well as others. I just hope in my heart that she doesn't mean you ill, and has genuinely innocent motives behind her. In which case, just talking to her (probably your DH should), and reassuring her position, the one both of you preferr, would solve it all? Best of luck!

[peilover010202]

Well, though I'm not preggo yet - I have major issues with MIL. Oh my gosh, where to start?

When dh and I married, we moved over 2000 miles away from our families. It was awesome! Now, we've moved back "home". I was used to having "family time" when we lived so far away. Used to jumping in the car and taking off for the weekend.

Now, MIL "drops by" EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE. When she's at our home visiting, she wants ds's undevoted attention, 100% of the time. If he's cuddling on the couch with me - she threatens to leave "well, Owen, mamaw's leaving." Then, he of course goes to her and she does this literally 5 or more times everytime. It's ridiculous.

She is also mad everytime we go out of town for the weekend and refuses to speak to dh for a day. And, she calls ALL the time when we're out of town - for no apparent reason.

We go to lunch after church every Sunday and she invites herself most of the time by throwing in "well, I'm hungry too."

Why can't she have a life outside of us?

Ugh, I could go on for days, but I won't bore all of you.

But, seriously, sometimes I think I'm carzy because dh says we should feel "lucky" that MIL wants to be so involved with ds.

[AmyGirl28]

Amy- I don't really have any mother issues, so I can't relate, but I do have some advice. I definately agree that MIL should respect your boundries. It is your baby, it is your house. How to get her to do that? I don't have the answer. But just by letting her consume your thoughts is letting her have control. Right now you should enjoy your last few days/weeks of pregnancy and be focusing on relaxation techniques. The last thing you need right now it to be a ball of nerves. Being stressed out is not going to help. So I suggest pampering yourself with a massage and listen to your hypnobaby CD's or any other relaxing music. Don't worry about the future or when/if she is coming. Just know that you are in charge of the situation, no matter how hard she tries. The mind is a powerful thing. It sounds like she has issues of her own. No matter what happens just know that Brynn is your baby, and will be for the rest of her life, nothing/no one can change that. Try to focus on some positive things and pamper yourself. You deserve it!

[MrsMoe]

[PicnicBear]

I do relate to what some of you all are saying -- especially the comments about trying to differentiate between someone just being involved and caring and someone overstepping the bounds. I really shouldn't have problems with my MIL because she does mean well, take advice, etc. and she's never done or said anything too horrifying. I am less accepting than I should be because I come from a family of parents and sister who I would say are very emotionally mature and sophisticated -- like they (we) would all understand all of the complex issues that have been mentioned on this thread for example. However, a lot of people out there are much more simple-minded -- I don't mean to sound derogatory, but they just "act" rather than thinking through how their actions will effect others. I am super concious of that and my family has always been that way, so I hold others to too high a standard sometimes. Sometimes when people go through a lot of hardship in life they just adopt more simple thought-process, I think as a way of not-dealing with things (of course, others might think more). My parents always made an effort to tell me and DH, from when we got married "do whatever is most convenient for the holidays -- we would love to see you but understand if you can't make X or Y" because when they were young, they had a lot of pressure on them to attend certain functions which were often out of town and hard for a young family to get to, etc. They went though a lot of that, and even had one family member tell them that "nothing good will ever come to you in your lives" because they decided against baptizing me. Because my parents are so understanding, I think I expect that from everyone, and not everyone is like that, so sometimes I think I expect too much. I try to tell myself to relax about it -- but I think this terratorial thing is so real -- it's like I can't stand the idea of anyone but me, DH, doggie and baby to be in here!

On a different note -- since the title of the thread was "issues" I will admit a far less-serious but nevertheless interesting issue that I have been dealing with -- since I started taking it easy and spending a lot more time on the futon, I have been having these urges to do all this on-line shopping for babe -- we have been so good about staying practical and not going overboard with expensive baby stuff, or just extra stuff we don't need. I always get good deals and usually used -- but I will confess to spending $165 for an amby baby bed that I had to have (off trading post). And I want more diaper stuff and it has to be CUTE! We dont' have $ for this, really -- my theory is that this is the lazy-woman's version of nesting. It's like I want to do stuff for baby but I don't want to get off my ass.

[3for3hb]

Amy, I'm feeling for you . I know that you have struggled with this issue all through this pregnancy. Your MIL really needs to understand that this is YOUR time and she if she wants to be helpful the best way she can help is by LISTENING to your wants, needs, and desires for when the baby comes. I don't know the woman but it sounds like she really needs to be put in her place. Sometimes that's an unpleasent thing to do and yeah, she might hold it against you in the future but the alternative is much worse (having someone there who doesn't respect you and your space). Bonding is such an important time in the immediate postbirth hours and days... I didn't let my own mother come until the 5th day. I was very defensive and didn't want anyone in my space. One of my friends dropped by with her husband to drop off a meal on the second day... my milk was coming in, I still couldn't go from sitting to standing without help, I was bleeding all over and sore from my perineal abrasion. and I felt so invaded when they come over. Mind you they walked in without knocking and there I was sitting in the living room, milk spots on my shirt, screaming baby (he still hadn't learned to suck and was hungry) afterpains, etc etc. And I got up to go to the bedroom to be with my midwife (I wasn't in the mood or frame of mind to start answering questions about the 30 hour labor I had just been through) and I heard them behind me... they had helped themselves to the pile of birth pictures lying on the table. I was so angry and felt violated. There were very revealing pictures of myself (and I'm not an overly modest type gal), pictures where you could see the cord coming out of me because the placenta was inside, pictures of me trying to breastfeed for the first time etc etc... they weren't pictures I wanted to share and they certainly had no right to just pick them up and start looking at them and commenting about them... and I felt violated because my body was still in a state of healing. The birth was pretty rough on me (I was also very sick with a sinus infection/head cold and had a 104 fever throughout the labor). I avoided this friend like the plague for a good 4 or 5 months after that. I just couldn't get over it. We didn't let my MIL come over until Willem was 5 weeks old. She was fine and I wasn't so protective anymore.

I've told dh that he's got to get the messege across to his family that I'm not going to want any visitors for the first few days if not week, and afterward, they better be forewarned that my baby isn't a sack of potatoes and I don't need help holding her/him. That baby will be close to my heart snug in the sling and there is nothing anyone is going to do about it. I *may* allow them to peek in the sling to get a look but there is no passing the baby from one person to another. I feel that strongly about post birth bonding. I know that sounds pretty strict but that's how I feel. And it's MY TIME and my space so they have to do things on my terms.

I'd like to encourage you to set your boundaries now and stick to them. Make it clear when she can come (if you don't want her there right away). And if she shows up at your doorstep, stick to your boundaries. I would have sent my own mother to a hotel if she'd have shown up any earlier than I was ready. (boy these prebirthing hormones are making me really confrontational )

and to you !!!

[PicnicBear]

A-men willemsmama -- people can wait a few days/weeks/months whatever. That's actually one thing that I think I will like about giving birth not at home is that some people (only those who are invited, of course) can come visit in the hospital if we want -- then they can feel like they have seen the baby then we go home and have NO ONE over. Yeah, I imagine walking around in my diaper, leaving a trail of blood and milk behind me, and for some reason I just don't think I want FIL or random extended family around for that . .
it seesm easier to assert yourself *before* labor and prevent those things if possible. It also pissed me off that some relatives who have seemed so non-interested in me or my pregnancy all along are now super-interested (now that the "fun part" i.e. the baby is near). Like when MIL calls and says "you sound relaxed, you're getting a lot of sleep" it's like "eh, no, I am not getting a lot of sleep, why do you think you know how much sleep I am getting, even though you would like to think everything is perfect and I am getting tons of sleep"

[*Amy*]

Thank you all *so much* for your feedback on this issue. I can't tell you how much it's helped to know that I'm not alone in this situation.

Just wanted to reply to a couple of specific things:

Frigga, yes, DH is an only child and I know that his mom is probably just trying to stay involved in his life. The thing is though, he really does keep her involved. It's not like they never talk, and we see her as often as we can. He's a really great son.

Amygirl, I know you are *totally* right and after I read your post I was thinking that is the kind of advice I would give to someone else in this situation! It's so hard though; I just keep imagining how things are going to be when she gets here, and trying to figure out how I want to be in that situation.

Plagio, my family is so much like yours, I guess that's why I have those similar expectations of respect. My dad and step-mom love me and the idea of having a grandchild as much as MIL, but they are so much more easy-going about the whole thing. I think it is because *they have a life*!! They have their own thing going on, they don't need to live vicariously through me! I think that is one of the major issues going on here with MIL.

Willemsmama, thanks for backing me up on the boundaries thing. It is so hard sometimes to walk the line between taking care of my own emotional needs and also being considerate of others. I wonder sometimes if I am "doing the right thing" by putting my needs first, but as y'all pointed out, this IS my baby, and everyone else needs to back the f - off.