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Is it wrong to tell my 15 y/o dd she can't have a boyfriend - Page 2

post #21 of 77

Been there and definitly doing that right now...

My son has just turned 16 and he has his first serious girlfriend...They are so in love... I love to hear them talk on the phone..This was very hard for me as he is my only child...I was used to being his sun,his moon and his star...And he was mine..Our lives revolved around each other...

No so anymore...

I tried to tighten the reins and he rebelled seriously...I have learned to loosen the reigns...At 15 your child can and will have emotions very real to them and they will act on them...The only thing you can do is supervise,talk and support..I would let her have her boyfriend...Respect her "feelings" as real emotions....But I would also do this(and I have)...

Have a good talk about sex,diseases and babies...And most important protection...Those teens are going to have sex whether you want them to or not...And I for one prefer not to be a grandma at age 34...I told my boy that if he ever needed condoms he better ask because asking for those is defintily easier then telling two sets of parents you are pregnant and then have to figure out what to do with a baby..

My son and his girlfriend are still chaperoned by either me or her mother...I take them to the movies(of course they sit two rows ahead of me but hey I can still see them.. ) and to Super Walmart.ect....They go to each others houses on the weekends...

And good Lord almighty they talk for hours on the phone every day...I can just pick him up and walk in the door with him from her house and he immedietly goes for the phone...I did have to get a little strict so people could get through to me or I needed the phone..


But my point is give in on the stuff you can control without the rebellion...I don't want my son sneaking out so I say yes to as much as I can without compromising what I know is truely wrong....


Right now he is happy(and in love )...
I am happy and she is truely a sweet girl...I like her...


Good luck....Letting go is one of the hardest things we as parents have to do...
post #22 of 77
The rule in my house was no DATING until sixteen. Now, mind you, I had my first "boyfriend" in FIFTH grade but honestly, I don't even think we exchanged phone numbers at that age. It was just something you told everyone. But I was "allowed" to have boyfriends, I just couldn't go out on "dates".
So by 15, I had had many "boyfriends", and had kissed a few as well I was actually sneaking out at night to see them, just about every night actually, and became rather tired in school. I'm not trying to scare you - there were other factors, such as my parents divorcing and me pinning them against eachother. But if they had let me at least go to the movies with a boyfriend or something, I may not have stooped to sneaking out who knows.
They were just worried that I should be able to drive myself to dates so that I would have the upper hand on some grabby young man Well, I was pg by 19. Maybe I am not a good example? Still, I remain the most intelligent of all my friends even though I was the only teenage mother among the closest of us.... but we all make mistakes, I suppose. Not sure my point here.
I am afraid I am validating your reasons for the rule, when I am really trying help you slacken them a bit.
post #23 of 77
The reality is she has one. No amount of saying no changes that, right?

Maybe you would feel better with some guidelines in place? That if he comes over you are home, that you prefer group dates (lol) , that you would at least like to chat with his parents on the phone to see how they feel about a girlfriend at their place if there aren't any adults home.

I suppose all i just wrote sounds old-fashioned , but maybe there is a middle ground where she can have a boyfriend without sneaking around, and you can have a little peace-of-mind help you feel she's safe.

Have a talk with her and discuss all of this. It's OK to say you're nervous, but you know she's growing up. Ask her if there are some guidelines you can agree upon that respects all of you?
post #24 of 77
I cannot reply from the mom's point of view,since my oldest is only 2 [3 in DEC.!]. But I grew up very close to my nieces and nephews who are all either 3 years older,or 2-3 years younger than me. And I was/still am the chaperone on most all of their dates. The kids don't want their mom[s] going,so they call the cool aunt [me] to tag along. I keep to the mom's rules [no sex,minimal body contact,only pre-approved movies,etc.],so it works out well ofr us. They'd rather be seen in public with me [since we're close in age and styles], than with their own mothers [who can be smothering]. [They even babysit for me for free while I do this for them!]
The basic rules are simple:
*NO SEX
*No Privacy [which means that if one goes to the bathroom,me and the date wait outside]
*I was always discreet about being the chaperone,if anyone asked,I'm the purse holder

But when it came/comes to the sex talk,that kind of thing was NEVER held with the parents [b/c they all REFUSED to do it!],so I handled that too. I explained to all of them [boys & girls] how important safety and protection is [b/c wether you like it or not,they're gonna do it],and then I had a talk with their boy/girlfriend,and explained it all to them [so we're all on the same page]. Some people might be mad/insulted by that sort of thing,but actually most all of the parents were delighted that I'd handled the hard stuff myself, since they didn't know how,or just weren't going to do it. I even went as far as to hand out condoms,I took all my nieces in to Planned Parenthood for birth control once they turned 16,and even helped one niece through an abortion [since she didn't listen to me to start with].
My point is,they're going to date,and have sex no matter what you say or do,but if you allow somethings [like group dating,or a trusted relative to chaperone],and stand firm on others [if you start having sex you NEED to tell me so I can help you stay safe],then things should go smoother for the both of you.
I don't blame you for wanting to protect your baby girl,that's what any good mom would want to do. But she's got to grow up sometime,and if you use this opportunity as a learning experience instead of a death sentence,then I think things should work out for the best for everyone.
I wish you all the best!
post #25 of 77
I married the boy I started dating at 14.... :

The one thing I have to say is, please don't set your daughter up for a lifetime of guilty sexual feelings by making her think that dating/romance/sex is weird/dirty/bad. Those are very hard feelings to overcome. Keep the lines of communication open with her.
post #26 of 77
Couple of thoughts (coming from someone who has in the last decade been 15/16, not from a mom's perspective):

1) Forbidden fruit and teenage rebellion: no, not everyone will rebel when given strict rules, but a lot more will. Nor is not-caring-permissiveness the answer either: some kids will rebel against that. : But in my experience, the parents who dictated and punished were much more likely to have kids who lied and snuck out than the parents who talked and guided.

2) What is a "boyfriend"? Honestly, I get freaked out by the pressure and black-and-whiteness implied by "no boyfriend." What about boys who are friends (please tell me your daughter has some!)? What about boys who might be more than friends, what about the chance to discover for herself how to negociate those boundries? From all I've seen, both in highschool and in adulthood, the relationships that are "Boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic" right from the beginning don't last as long or go as well as the ones that grew organically out of being friends and enjoying the other person's company. How is a girl supposed to discover that if she knows there's this Thing called a Boyfriend that she can't yet have (and therefore wants)?

3) Supervised dates: this is an interesting area. Do you supervise all your child's social interactions? If so, or if you're around for most of them, then supervising her dates makes sense. That is, if you regularly have her friends over, why not have this boy who is her friend and might be her boyfriend over? Invite her and a friend or two of her choice out to the movies - it doesn't have to be "Oh, you want to go out? Well, you're going to take your dad with you!" It can be organic, and natural, and relaxed. I do think friends make decent chaperones, also. That is, she doesn't have to go on "group dates" (good lord, the pressure!), but she can go out with a group of friends, maybe including her romantic interest.

I think a lot of teenage problems (and I've thought this since I was a teen) come from the pressure to have the "right labels" - the Right Brand Name, the Right Car, the Right Clique, the Right Nickname, and the Right Relationship Status. I'd hope that more parents would guide their kids out of that whole mess - help them think for themselves. This goes for relationships, too. Teenagers don't have to have "boyfriends" - they can have boys they're friends with and are exploring romantic feelings with. It takes soooooo much of the pressure off to not have to Decide or Declare your relationship status because depending on the answer it might or might not be "allowed". Give her the space to figure it out, to live in that grey area, to be a part-child, part-adult, instead of a Teen. That's not going to happen if you're dictating ages and rules and words, but it might happen if you're listening to her and talking with her and gently guiding her.
post #27 of 77
Hi Everyone,

I am coming at this from a completely different perspective(as the mother of three adults) but what is the problem about stating that the rule in your house is no dating until 16?
Is it because the teens are going to break the rule anyway? For me, that reason is not good enough.
We had(and still have-the youngest ds is 13) rules in our home when it came to our young teenagers. And some of those rules were broken from time to time, and there were consequences that occurred because of it.
We set up boundaries and established rules in our family with our teens in the same way we set them up with them as young children and now as adults, we included them in the decision-making process.
We would share with them the reasons behind our choices for the rules, and they would tell us why they felt that they were good or bad. And they also helped us establish what the consequences would be if the rules were broken(many times, we had to lessen their suggested consequences!).
Because our boundaries and rules were set with inclusion of their ideals and consideration of their feelings, there was far less rebellion by our teens than we saw with many of their peers. And we have been thanked many times by our teens for having rules that they could use as an excuse to get out of many situations and suggestions made by their friends.
For us, setting rules for our family is also about learning and growing up in a home that helps to prepare them to live in a community where there will be many rules that have to be followed.
And as a parent, I knew that there would be(and were)times when I had to be the one to take the lead in keeping them safe. Even if it meant that I was resented at the time.
Oh and one more thing, for us, having rules did not replace active listening and conversation with our teens. Most of the rules and boundaries evolved and changed quite quickly as they grew and matured because we knew them through our many conversations and could feel confident in the choices that they made on their own.

Take Care,
Erika :
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitt
post #28 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikaDP
Hi Everyone,

I am coming at this from a completely different perspective(as the mother of three adults) but what is the problem about stating that the rule in your house is no dating until 16?
Is it because the teens are going to break the rule anyway? For me, that reason is not good enough.
My parents had that rule. I never broke it. But I also felt it was unreasonable and controling, and that they obviously didn't trust me. So I would never have come to them with a problem, if I had a problem. I still shut them out of my life because they have this controling attitute and don't trust me.
post #29 of 77
:
post #30 of 77
I met a LOVE OF MY LIFE when I was 15.

A common story - parents were against it, nobody to talk to, we were getting super resourceful in hiding and lying

We actually waited almost 2 years before having sex (whoo-hoo ), so at "mature" 16.5 I got pregnant. With our son Who is now 18.

I am so glad, I found the way to go around completely unnecessary rule(s), just wish I had somebody to talk to. May be I would have waited on having a child that early.

We are going to celebrate our 19th anniversary shortly.

Teenagers *do* fall in love (without parenthesis) and it can be that one true love that I was blessed with.

I dread to think what would have happened to me if I did not rebel and just let this blessing go away.

I look at my girlfriends who in their 30th, struggling to find a soul mate (no judjement intended, just an observation), going through the upteenth date and am again thankful for finding mine at the ripe age of 15.
post #31 of 77
Just chiming in to agree with all pp. Even though you have her best interest at heart, it is not productive for anyone in your family if you forbid her from having a relationship with someone she likes. Ideally your relationship with her is strong enough that you can help shape what type of relationship it is (healthy, honest, etc.)

I speak from experience as a teen who was "forbidden" to do so many things. Guess what? I did them all. And without the guidance of a mother because I couldn't tell her anything. I so wish it had been different.

I am happy to say, though, that my mom and I have worked on our relationship and it is wonderful to have her close.

Good Luck!
post #32 of 77
I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16. I was pregnant before I was 17. My mother actually went so far as to take away my birth control when I was 15, because she felt it was 'condoning' me having sex.... Um, NOPE. You are not god. You cannot physically control your daughter every second of every day. You CAN say she cannot go out on dates, but really even that is a bit much. Group dates are fun, and a good compromise. The more you forbid, the more *many* girls will rebell.
post #33 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn
This goes for relationships, too. Teenagers don't have to have "boyfriends" - they can have boys they're friends with and are exploring romantic feelings with. It takes soooooo much of the pressure off to not have to Decide or Declare your relationship status because depending on the answer it might or might not be "allowed". Give her the space to figure it out, to live in that grey area, to be a part-child, part-adult, instead of a Teen. That's not going to happen if you're dictating ages and rules and words, but it might happen if you're listening to her and talking with her and gently guiding her.
Just read this. I love the logic here, great points! ITA!
post #34 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom
Supervision not forbidding.

When you supervise you can help her through the bumps. The hard part is that you are going to have to let your girl get hurt. I know that sucks but this is part of growing up.


I have NO problem with male and female teens hanging out together (going out, calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend even) I do have a problem with teens being unsupervised.

The standard that we set for my own children and the children that I instruct dance to (we are like a family ) is that there are no unsupervised outtings. No hanging out alone. We also discuss sex, making out, etc VERY openly and at anytime, they know they can ask questions and get honest, factual feedback.

I am very open with my opinion that sexual relationships and true "dating" should only happen if and when marriage/a life long commitment are in teh picture.

This is what works well for us.

Also we plan alot of activities with with other parents and all of the teens (My brother is 17 and talking to one of my dance students whom is 15) We have gone to movies, hayrides, haunted houses.......it's a blast for all of us!

Also my brother invites his female friend to alot of family functions and over to the house to interact with family, play a game, watch a movie, etc.

I think alot of it has to do with HOW you as the parents present it. If you present it as a "forbidden fruit" type of thing.....you are setting her up to take a huge bite.

If you present it in a laid back way and are open with her....it works out well You can still have standards without making her feel imprisioned.

Also......my parents always had a standard that I should hang out with people who were afraid to have an adult conversation. Any guys that I talked to or hung out with had to be willing to chitchat with mom : Most were.....if they weren't....I would lose interest really fast. What kinda man is scared to talk to my mom? Not my kinda man!

Sorry.....I kinda
post #35 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee


I have NO problem with male and female teens hanging out together (going out, calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend even) I do have a problem with teens being unsupervised.

The standard that we set for my own children and the children that I instruct dance to (we are like a family ) is that there are no unsupervised outtings. No hanging out alone. We also discuss sex, making out, etc VERY openly and at anytime, they know they can ask questions and get honest, factual feedback.

I am very open with my opinion that sexual relationships and true "dating" should only happen if and when marriage/a life long commitment are in teh picture.

This is what works well for us.
This is what I plan to do as well. I intend to teach them about contraception and STDs and "safer sex," and also emphasize that the only true "safe sex" is within marriage (or lifelong partnership.) They already watch shows and read books where casual teenage dating is portrayed, and we talk about how that's not what we do, I point out when the characters get their hearts broken, etc. Mostly I emphasize that sex is a gift from the Almighty and it's too good to waste on casual relationships.
post #36 of 77
nak

my parents told me i couldn't have a bf when i was 16. i did anyhow. i would have been better off had they "allowed" me to date because then i would have felt more comfortable talking to them about my relationship. also, when he broke up with me, i had no support system (he isolated me from all my friends) and stopped eating and couldn't even talk to my parents about it because i told them we weren't dating for the whole year we were... severe depression ensued... for years.

love and peace,
post #37 of 77
I have a 14 year old daughter and we have had that talk and if she ever feels she is ready to take that next step with somenoe we not only encourage her to use condoms and other forms of protection but we also encourage to wait. We let her know that even though she is protecting herself physcially that the emotional stuff that comes with it is a whole other ball game. Is she really ready for that? But I think it was said before. If they want to do it they will. So making sure they are protected is the best we can do for them
post #38 of 77

And to add

I do not push the issue about boyfriends. The last thing I want is her sneaking around my back with boys. If we are open and honest about them it makes for less headache. We did have one problem with a boy, she is 14 he 19. They snuck around about it and lied about his age. He was a nice kid and I would have never guessed how old he was. We even took him with us on a family trip this summer!!! She lost all her privalgies and the rest of her summer. When she could be trusted again she earned them back slowly. According to both of them they never took it to that level. I am hoping that is the truth.
post #39 of 77
I have to agree with this.

I met my husband the summer before I went into fourth grade. We really didn't start 'dating' until I was in eighth grade but, we were friends the whole interim.

We were together thru highschool. Amid rules and things we snuck around and stayed together. It made it much worse on us because we were an interracial couple. That didn't go over to well, so we kept it secret.
I got pregnant when I was 16 with our first daughter.

We got married 20 days after my 18th birthday, we've been together ever since. So, It does happen, I think you just have to have an open relathiopnship about EVERYTHING. Having someone to talk to about these situations and feelings would have been wonderful but my mom was too hung up on no boyfriends/sex that I din't feel comfortable finally going to her. The fact that he was black made it even harder to go to my family.

We've been married for 6 years and have 3 wonderful daughters.

I plan on keeping an open relationship with all my girls..I learned something great at The Farm once. Your body is always trying to get you pregnant. No matter what you rationalize or think, that is your bidy's main purpose. If I had known that I think I might have thought twice. If he was really the love of my life(which he is) then he would have waited(he told me so).

I hope that made sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by irinam
I met a LOVE OF MY LIFE when I was 15.

A common story - parents were against it, nobody to talk to, we were getting super resourceful in hiding and lying

We actually waited almost 2 years before having sex (whoo-hoo ), so at "mature" 16.5 I got pregnant. With our son Who is now 18.

I am so glad, I found the way to go around completely unnecessary rule(s), just wish I had somebody to talk to. May be I would have waited on having a child that early.

We are going to celebrate our 19th anniversary shortly.

Teenagers *do* fall in love (without parenthesis) and it can be that one true love that I was blessed with.

I dread to think what would have happened to me if I did not rebel and just let this blessing go away.

I look at my girlfriends who in their 30th, struggling to find a soul mate (no judjement intended, just an observation), going through the upteenth date and am again thankful for finding mine at the ripe age of 15.
post #40 of 77
[QUOTE=midstreammama]I have to agree with this.


We've been married for 6 years and have 3 wonderful daughters.

I plan on keeping an open relationship with all my girls..I learned something great at The Farm once. Your body is always trying to get you pregnant. No matter what you rationalize or think, that is your bidy's main purpose. If I had known that I think I might have thought twice. If he was really the love of my life(which he is) then he would have waited(he told me so).


Congrats on your marriage and Its good to see a fellow mama with the same history. We too meet very young and snuck around a lot and I too ended up pregnant at 16. Here we are almost 13 years later! That is so true what they told you at The Farm. Our bodies serve a purpose and will do what it needs to to make things happen
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