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Is it wrong to tell my 15 y/o dd she can't have a boyfriend - Page 3

post #41 of 77
I try not to make rules that I know my children will break/have already broken that entail behavior that is NORMAL for teenagers (I'm not talking drug use, alcohol use, etc, but NORMAL teen behavior). Why? Because if they then break the rule, what am I going to do to make them stop? If I absolutely CAN'T make them stop the activity, then my children learn that my rules don't mean squat, because I'm not enforcing or can't enforce them.
post #42 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benji'sMom
My parents had that rule. I never broke it. But I also felt it was unreasonable and controling, and that they obviously didn't trust me. So I would never have come to them with a problem, if I had a problem. I still shut them out of my life because they have this controling attitute and don't trust me.
Hi Benji'sMom,

I think that you missed a important part of my post. It came at the end:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikaDP
Oh and one more thing, for us, having rules did not replace active listening and conversation with our teens. Most of the rules and boundaries evolved and changed quite quickly as they grew and matured because we knew them through our many conversations and could feel confident in the choices that they made on their own.
Because the lines of communication were maintained through out their teen years(even and especially when we disagreed), my children continued to talk with us about just about everything. And now, as adults, we still have such a wonderful relationship where we share our lives struggles and triumphs.

Take Care,
Erika :
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitt
post #43 of 77
I had strict parents, too. They were so anti everything that I just quit talking to them. (I was one of those kids that got really secretive and wild and knocked up as a teenager, too. Miscarried...)

My viewpoint is this: If she's allowed out in the world she's going to make relationships. If I were you, I'd like to get to know this boy rather than *not* know him. You never know, you may really like him. There's got to be something special in him that your daughter sees. Plus, if your daughter knows that you guys are cool, and that she can be upfront, she'll come to *you* for advice. That's greatly preferable to going to her buddies, because we all know the wild theories teenagers have regarding sexuality.
post #44 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla
Mostly I emphasize that sex is a gift from the Almighty and it's too good to waste on casual relationships.
This is what my parent's/faith instilled in me and i hope to pass on to my children when they reach teenage-hood. I saw too many of my girlfriends in high school get stupid when they started having sex. It is a powerful bond and then they wouldn't get rid of these stupid/moronic jerks. Dh and i were high school sweethearts (we started dating at the end of our senior year) and we waited until our wedding night. And once we got the hang of it, there was no looking back

My parents weren't very strict... group dates or chaperoned by my older sis and her fiance until i was 16 and then they let it go from there. I knew what they expected of me and i expected it of myself. I knew that sex led to babies and perhaps other more unsavory things, and i knew i wasn't prepared for that.

Keep the lines of communication open. My boyfriends and i often hung out with my family and got to know them. I hope that you can find a solution that works for both you and your daughter and that builds a good foundation
post #45 of 77
I think you need to cultivate an open and accepting attitude. What does having a "boyfriend" mean to her? What does she think is okay for herself in the relationship? These are things you talk about as preventive measure, to keep things open.

Have him visit at your house. That is probably the best place for them to be together at first--with you right there nearby. You can get an idea of who he is, is he respectful of her and of you? Start with fairly watchful limits, and over time they can be expanded as you perceive that your daughter is handling responsibility well.

She is becoming a woman, but does she do so by getting away from her family, or can she safely do so within the embrace of her family? Your dh will see her become a stranger if he cannot "allow" her her womanhood.
post #46 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Datura
I had strict parents, too. They were so anti everything that I just quit talking to them. (I was one of those kids that got really secretive and wild and knocked up as a teenager, too. Miscarried...)

My viewpoint is this: If she's allowed out in the world she's going to make relationships. If I were you, I'd like to get to know this boy rather than *not* know him. You never know, you may really like him. There's got to be something special in him that your daughter sees. Plus, if your daughter knows that you guys are cool, and that she can be upfront, she'll come to *you* for advice. That's greatly preferable to going to her buddies, because we all know the wild theories teenagers have regarding sexuality.
Hi Datura,

Establishing boundaries and rules for your teens does not have to make you strict and controlling parents. It also does not have to mean that communication has to end between you and your teens(it certainly did not end it in my family growing up or with my teens). For me, it's not all or nothing. Caring parents can set boundaries with their teens without being controlling, arbitrary and/or punitive.
And I absolutely agree that the best thing to do is to get to know the boyfriend that the daughter(or girlfriend that the son)wants to have a relationship with. Have them come over for a meal, meet them at entertainment events and try to get to know their family. As a matter of fact, this is good advice to take for all of your teen's friends, not just the ones you think that they might like romantically.

Take Care,
Erika :
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitttha Kitt
post #47 of 77
As a mother of 5, 4 of them girls, and the youngest two 15yo tins, I have to speak up.

Forbidding a normal part of growing up does not prevent it. You can;'t forbid your baby to learn to walk or talk. You can't forbid them to make new friends in kindergarten. And you can't forbid relationships with half teh population of the world.

To do so is to force your child to choose to not be true to themsleves or to lie to you.

If you encourage honesty, if you allow normal relationships, you get to discuss the choices they are making. If they want to go to a movie, just a couple and stay out til midnight, you have the oppurtunity to say that you're more comfortable with her group dating, that she has to be home by 10, and that you'll drive!

If it isn't discussed, then she can say she's sleeping at a friends, ride in a car with a 16 yo boy, stay out really late, etc. ANd you won't know till it';s history.

I think it makes more sense to offer to drive ALL the time (DH can do that too!) Let them play their music, stop and buy a dozen donuts and pass themn out. Be the parent who always offers to drive. You get worn out, but you know what' going on, they talk while you drive. Also, if you allow them to date some, they learn early that boys are BOYS, in a safer environment. (No offense to boys, but they aren't very glamorous! THey burp, spit, carack rude jokes, etc).

My DD dont' date, not till they are in teh last year or so of High school. By then, well, you gotta let them do stuff cause the next year, they're away at college. You don't want them to learn it all then, trust me!
post #48 of 77
i dont have girls, so forgive me for poking my nose where i have no experience, but i just dont think you can forbid your daughter from having a bf. its a normal part of life and i know my parents weren't able to stop me from dating someone at 15 that they didn't really like. i sneaked around and did it.
i would suggest a better route would be to open up communication with your dd and be there for her, even in decisions that you may not approve of. if you have a specific concern that you feel needs to be addressed, address that issue (e.g., if my parents had restricted me and my bf to my home or to places they took me - the movies, etc. - it would have given them an opportunity to get to know him and give me the opportunity to see him without sneaking around). as it turned out, i ended up skipping school alot one year so i could be with him (dont worry...i ended up graduating and going to college! lol!).
good luck
rach
post #49 of 77
I agree with Rach and most of the other comments. Sad but true in today's world this falls into the realm of something we cannot control. The probability is you try to "forbid" this, it will not stop it but only force it underground. Rach's suggestion of ackowledging it (doesn't mean approving) but making yourself open and appealing to your dd for counsel is a better approach. Also being open about establishing guidelines. Most teens although they may seem otherwise and seem to want to act out rebelliously, still at least sub-conciously are seeking guidance from us. They want us to let out, but not let go of the reins.
post #50 of 77
hello everyone.i am not at all a mother but i love the site and the different discussions.i am not american either(i am trinidadian-it's in the caribbean) and i would like to say that i think forbidding a child,or rather on'e child to date depends on the child themself. meaning that if it is that the child does meet someone for example at school that they like very much,it's really frustrating to know that one cannot get to know this person on a different level. on a more personal note,i am 20 years old myself. i am still not allowed to have a bf which to me is quite irrational as i am a great university student,i am involved in other activities plus i am saving myself until marriage.just because i go out with someone does not mean that i will automatically forget all that i stand for (i'm not saving myself for religious reasons,but because i really don't support any other choice) and i have found someone that i do care about and have cared about for the past three years.

it is frustrating to know that i cannot go out with him or relate to him so comfortably on that level because i do not want to disrespect the wish by my parent(father is the opposing force). so my point is,forbidding one's child or denying them something that is already there or something that the care about,is quite senseless as it can serve to alienate them from you.if it is you don't want her to be intimate that's anohter issue.if that is the way that she was brought up and you know that she strongly believes in what is right,then there is no reason to be fearful.
post #51 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikaDP
Hi Datura,

Establishing boundaries and rules for your teens does not have to make you strict and controlling parents. It also does not have to mean that communication has to end between you and your teens(it certainly did not end it in my family growing up or with my teens). For me, it's not all or nothing. Caring parents can set boundaries with their teens without being controlling, arbitrary and/or punitive.
And I absolutely agree that the best thing to do is to get to know the boyfriend that the daughter(or girlfriend that the son)wants to have a relationship with. Have them come over for a meal, meet them at entertainment events and try to get to know their family. As a matter of fact, this is good advice to take for all of your teen's friends, not just the ones you think that they might like romantically.

Take Care,
Erika :
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitttha Kitt

Hrmm, I think you read a bit more into my post than I actually put there. I never implied that she was controlling, I simply mentioned that my parents strict adherence to the rules without taking my input into the matter created a schism that we are still trying to fix. The Dh in question's inability to deal with the looming womanhood of the Dd reminds me so much of my own father's pronounced discomfort with my own sexuality that I had to comment. They were so determined to "protect" me that they drove me into exactly the fate that they feared most: teenage pregnancy. (Not that I didn't have my own hand in it )
post #52 of 77
I think telling your daughter she can't have a boyfriend is only going to make her want one even more. Growing up my mother said you can't do this, this, this and this and was very strict and it just made me want to do those things more

1) Because I really wanted to know what all they hype was about if she was so adimant about not having a boyfriend or dating or sex and drugs

2) Because she was so strict I rebelled HARD CORE!

I think just being open and honest with your kids is the key. Why not have her boyfriend over and meet him. Having him in your house under your supervision sounds better than her sneaking off to meet him at a friends house.

Get to know his parents too.
post #53 of 77
I wasn't allowed to dat at 15. I lost my virginity at 15 and my parents didn't even know I was seeing boys. I also slept around for a time after. I had no adult to talk to and the boy I lost my virginity to was all about "teaching" me all sorts of things I had no business learning. The factors were parents who didn't listen. When a kid asks to date they are saying "hey I am having all these feelings and do not know what to do but they are soooo intense". I decided long ago that the one thing I wish I had had was a parent to explain to me what those feelings were, how overwhelming they could and would be. To tell me that feeling horny was ok, that I didn't have to act on it, that just kissing for hours in sweet aangst was an awesome thing. I wish to goddess I had someone to tell me about pleasuring myself, by myself, to alleviate those feelings or at leasttake the edge off. I wish I had a mom who bought me a vibe and a great book and told me that I never need ANYONE to be happy, or feel a certain way, that I am more than enough for myself and that another person should be a healthy addition to my life but not what I rely on to feel pretty/happy/smart/sexy/loved.
I wish I hadn't spent so much of my precious youth trying to find those things the wrong ways, in secret, shamed and hiding them from my parents, lost and confused. My parents never did get to know me.
post #54 of 77
bleurae my sentiments exactly!!
My parents were VERY strict about me not dating or leaving the house in general when I was a teen..it felt like a slap in the face (and sometimes literally was)that they did not see me for the wonderful person I was and was becoming and had no trust in me when I hadn't done anything wrong except grow another year older...their suffocating rules divided us and I became very alone and ended up seeing more boys -looking for love comfort and acceptance I wasn't getting at home...they(boys) thought I was wonderful...my parents thought I was terrible...I could talk to them ,(boys)and was listened to...my parents wouldn't talk or listen...hmmm...who do you think I'd want to spend more time with??It got so bad that at the ripe old age of 15 I moved out on my own...
My oldest daughter is almost 14 and we talk about everything...She knows every day that I love her and think she's absolutely wonderful,strong and beautiful -things I never felt growing up-and I know she'll make good choices and she knows I'm always there for her-and because of this I notice that she dosen't have the "neediness"I did for acceptance she is alot more secure in her own skin than I ever was...We also talk alot about "what would you do if..."scenarios so I know where her head is at...I'm trying a different approach with her-(basic rules are implmented regarding drugs and alcohol) but I'm leaving her world wide open she has to tell me what she's doing where she's going and if she's up front and honest then she can pretty much make her own rules...if she's dishonest her world and priveledges will get smaller until she can earn it back...we laugh and joke about my main rule "don't be stupid"

Anyway in case you were wondering my life turned out pretty good anyway finished highschool while living on my own,college etc.. made up with my parents after the birth of my first child and have been getting closer and closer every year finally the relationship with my parents I always wanted albeit I had to wait until I was in my 30's
I still regret moving so young and feel like I missed out on alot of "normal" teenage things and have been an adult alot longer than I should have but even looking back I know under the same circumstances I would have had to make the same choices...
post #55 of 77
What a very sensible group you are. Boy how I wish you had been around to advise my parents when i as growing up.
I had a Boyfriend (to whom I am now married) at 15, in secret, the first time we had intercpourse it was in secret, when i went on the pill at 17 it was in secret, when I had a (unfounded) pregnancy scare it was in secret.
You can't stop your teens learninh about boys thru having relationships any more han you can stop them learning about smiles thru having hapiness.
post #56 of 77
I guess I feel differently than some of the PP here.
My own sexuality and sexual activity was not the result of some kind of rebellion of the strictness of my parents or their permissiveness either.
It was a combination of desire, curiosity, hormones and opportunity that lead me to be sexually active. And my activity was private, I didn't feel the need to discuss it with anyone(and to a certain extent, I still feel that way ).
So in raising our children(just like my mother did with me), my husband and I gave them plenty of information about sex and relationships and we always let them know that they could come to us if they wanted to. And they did come to us(together and separately), with questions and to ask what we thought about certain situations. But for the most part, they have kept their sexual histories to themselves and we have respected their privacy.
And there was no need for a dating rule in our home because the situation never presented itself. But I am sure if it did(or does seeing how we still have one teen left at home), I wouldn't hesitate to tell my son that he is too young to date.

Take Care,
Erika :
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitt
post #57 of 77
To the OP: Yes, I DEFINITELY think you are wrong to tell your 15 y/o dd that she can't date! Come on! She will do it anyway, so why bother?? 15 y/o is, in today's society, a very typical age for kids to have already started dating, so yeah, you should not be telling her that she can't.
post #58 of 77
I have found with my 15 year old dd that it is far more effective to be supportive and open about her life and her relationships, the to be a dictator. Ultimately it is her life and I really don't want her sneaking around behind my back and lying to me about what she is doing and who she is with.

This is a major trust issue. I trust her.
post #59 of 77
I have told my husband over and over again if you push her away and make rules you know she will not keep it can only cause more trouble in the long run. So make rules you know that are liveable for her and you. Kayla can have boyfriends, Kayla also knows that she is only a virgin once and that it can never be regained. She is aware of STDS and pregnancy, She knows that it is a serious choice not to be taken lightly. I can only hope that the things I instilled in her over these years stuck with her and she makes the right choices. At this point I can only give guidance and understanding. She is a young adult and has her own mind. She isnt 2 and I cannot control her at all times. HTH at least a little
post #60 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopeful130
First of all - she's still very young emotionally. Very sensitive and I just don't think mentally she's prepared although she will tell you totally different.

The rule always was - no boyfriends until you are 16. The thing is - she has one.
LOL, I can't imagine been told that I couldn't have a boyfriend at that age, especially since I'd already been having sex for 2 years. I know many parents would love to be able to control who their children see, both as friends and otherwise, but I don't think it's realistic or kind. They need to be able to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes, with parents as a guide and setting a good example.
But that's my opinion obviously.

- Krista
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