How do I start?

[aliah79]

Hey mamas,

I consider myself an AP parent except when it comes to one aspect - discipline. I am quick to anger, I yell, and I spank my toddler's leg sometimes. He is 21 months old and I have a 7 week old. I get very frustrated with him easily. I don't want to be this way and each day I promise myself we're going to do things differently, but after a couple hours it just wears on me. He is insistent about climbing on the kitchen table, no matter how many times I've told him to get down, removed him from the table, he immediately gets back up there within minutes. So I moved the chairs away from the table. But if one finds it's way back - he's back up there. He also climbs on top of a trunk under our living room window, and I've chosen my battles here and I let him climb there because it's not dangerous, but I don't want him climbing on the kitchen table.

I also want to do more engaging activities with him, but am not sure what to do. I want to be a more involved parent and I know I'm not doing right by him. I let him watch PBS in the mornings while I get things done and tend to my newborn. Then he goes for a nap. Then in the afternoons he plays by himself until daddy comes home. Sometimes we sit down and color together or play, but not every day as life gets hectic with 2 under 2.

I know I let my temper and frustration get the best of me and want to change this. He doesn't obey me and I realize it's completely normal at this age, but I feel badly when visiting others and I can't 'control' him like they think I should. Also, he plays kind of rough sometimes swatting or grabbing an arm - in fun - but I worry that other parents are thinking badly of me and him. I really want to spend more quality time with him - and I was considering a signing and singing class for just me and him - his whole face lights up when I dedicate my whole attention to him - and it hurts knowing I can't do that as much as I used to. I guess I need to get into some kind of routine/schedule so I can spend that one on one time with him...

Help me be a better mom please?

[PaxMamma]

it sounds like you have an active little boy who needs to get some energy out. if he watches so much tv, he'll surely not get the exercise he needs and actually "need" to do things like climbing and "going beserk". can you find time for him to maybe play w/peers or get involved in some more active play so that he's not so anxious to climb on the table?

i am glad that you are anxious to leave the spanking behind. i think that you'll find that if you remove it from your arsenal of tools, not just save it as a last resort, you'll become more creative in your parenting and, thus, a better mom.

[HappyHSer]

I am quick to anger, I yell, and I spank my toddler's leg sometimes. He is 21 months old and I have a 7 week old. I get very frustrated with him easily.

Has this been new or increased since having the baby?

[nurtureyourbabies]

Don't have much time now, I also have 2 (7 mos and 2 1/2), but I wanted to just say a quick "congrat's". It sounds like you really want to change. I know that the other mamas here will be of great support. There is nothing special about any of us (per se) we don't have magic powers to "control" our kids or our temper. We live and we learn. I hope you will stick around and READ as much as possible, just lurk, you will learn so much. Again, I admire you for your honesty and desire to be a better mom.

[aliah79]

Originally Posted by dkeoshian

it sounds like you have an active little boy who needs to get some energy out. if he watches so much tv, he'll surely not get the exercise he needs and actually "need" to do things like climbing and "going beserk". can you find time for him to maybe play w/peers or get involved in some more active play so that he's not so anxious to climb on the table?

i am glad that you are anxious to leave the spanking behind. i think that you'll find that if you remove it from your arsenal of tools, not just save it as a last resort, you'll become more creative in your parenting and, thus, a better mom.

Yes, he is very active and will run in circles sometimes. Every day I plan to take him outside to play, but I get caught up in to many other things. I have started two local playgroups and we get together maybe once a month. We have friends who come to visit. The biggest thing is we only have one car and budget for gas, so getting out on a regular basis is difficult. My one friend whose older one is three, comes to visit every other week. Wesley adores playing with him, but he follows him like a shadow, literally, when he's here Wesley is right behind him. And he gets a little over-rambunctious with his playmate. Maybe it is because he needs more playdates?

[aliah79]

Originally Posted by HappyHSer

Has this been new or increased since having the baby?

Yes it has increased since having the baby. It's almost like he knows I'm occupied when I'm nursing and I can't immediately get to him. I almost feel like he's testing me. He'll give me a cute smile and say noooooooooo or doooooowwwwwwwnnnnn when he's climbing something... I think it's just hard for me to adjust to having two and I know there's some adjustment in there for him. I just am not sure how to deal with it. Which is why I want to make sure I give him some quality time with just me and him... maybe he's just wanting my attention?

[HappyHSer]

Which is why I want to make sure I give him some quality time with just me and him... maybe he's just wanting my attention?

{{{Stephanie}}}

I meant has your yelling, frustration, hitting and anger increased since the baby. Have you thought about or been evaulated for PPD?

The way to begin to change the dynamic you are in is to start with physical needs. Sleep, good food, and medical evaluation.

The next is to both find ways to inspire you to commit to gentle parenting. After that, create an environment that makes disicpline issues less prevalent. The hardest but most effective long term is to change the thinking that creates your acting out.

I'll be back with more, later.

[johub]

Stephanie!
Great to see you old friend and fellow kindred spirit!
Remember me? we go way back!

I am sorry you are having a rough time. You say your baby is 7 weeks old. The good news is that things will probably start looking up from here. After all, up until last week you were still recovering from birth and your infant was still a newborn, etc. . .
I would see about getting your ds out in the morning. Do you have a neighborhood park? If not just a brisk walk around the block or neighborhood will give him exercise, fresh air and a change of scenery.
Second of all, you have a brand new baby and a toddler who is adjusting. I would put everything else on the back burner until you have worked this out and your ds feels more settled and you feel you have things with the babies under control again.
Your new ds is probably not very predictable nap wise yet, but I would make it your priority that every minute your infant is sleeping belongs to your toddler. This is not a lifetime of every minute. But it will help him adjust to the change and give him lots of mommy time. This is what I did with Tristan after my twins were born. If they were asleep, I belonged to him. It really helped keep our relationship on solid ground.
As for the swatting your ds. You can stop. It isnt helping anyway and it is probably making you both feel worse. Why do what doesnt work when it is unkind to boot.
Keep your house as childproof as humanly possible so that there isnt much he can get into when you are busy with the baby.
Hang in there! It is a tough transition.
(I cried every single day for the first 6 weeks after my twins were born and my ds was only 16 months old)
Good luck, and feel free to pm me or e-mail me if you wanna chat!
Joline

[Susan Kunkel]

My ds was 2.5 when my younger son was born it can be rough.I used a sling for the baby and got my work done .I tried to scedule my chores so that I was only doing a little each day. Ialso have my boys help me. Give your two year old a sponge and water and he can help you clean . During baby nap time we would play thow ball in basket ,knock down cans.Do arts and crafts. I also limited tv .
I hope this helps
Susan

[DevaMajka]

The best place for me to start was to just assume the best of my ds's intentions. And to believe that children WANT to do the "socially acceptable" thing, and if they're not, there is a reason that should be addressed. And it also helps me to think about the fact that ds's desires and opinions are valid, and just as important as mine are. And think in a "working with/working together" way, rather than a "he needs to obey me" type of way. Think of your job as helping him to do the socially acceptable thing, not making him do it.

He also climbs on top of a trunk under our living room window, and I've chosen my battles here and I let him climb there because it's not dangerous, but I don't want him climbing on the kitchen table.

Perhaps if you make this his "climbing spot" that is always ok for him to climb on- even make it his own "special" climbing spot. You could just redirect him to this when he climbs on the table. Oh, and is there any way you could put a bird feeder outside your living room window? You can get them for less than $5. My ds LOVES to watch the birds. Perhaps that would entice your ds to climb on the trunk rather than the table.

Originally Posted by aliah79

Yes it has increased since having the baby. It's almost like he knows I'm occupied when I'm nursing and I can't immediately get to him. I almost feel like he's testing me. He'll give me a cute smile and say noooooooooo or doooooowwwwwwwnnnnn when he's climbing something... I think it's just hard for me to adjust to having two and I know there's some adjustment in there for him. I just am not sure how to deal with it. Which is why I want to make sure I give him some quality time with just me and him... maybe he's just wanting my attention?

I've noticed in my ds (of course, he's only 15 mos) that he *knows* that I will stop him from doing certain things (like playing in the dog water) but I honestly believe that he doesn't make the connection that he should stop himself. kwim? Like, that's just what happens- he plays in the water, and I stop him. lol Your ds may be saying "no" and "down" because he associates those words with being up ther- because you say them. And not really that he understands thathe shouldn't get up there in the first place. And even if he does understand, the impulse to climb, and how fun it is, may be way stronger than his ability to make himself do what you want.

I know I don't have many concrete suggestions, but I really have found that the best way to start out with gd is to THINK gd. kwim? The rest just kinda follows, at least ime.

[aliah79]

Thanks ladies

I don't think it's PPD - I worried about it this time since I was trying for a homebirth VBAC and ended up with a transfer and RCS - then having two so close. But I'm happy in general. I just have a quick temper and am impatient just like my dad... But I want to overcome that. The swatting and yelling does make us both feel worse and accomplishes nothing, and then I see his tears and the look in his eyes and I feel horrible... there's no reason for that....

I know he isn't manipulating me, but sometimes it seems that way, if that makes sense? I will try to change the way I think about that though and assume the best...

I also know that spending one on one time with him helps a lot... I've been trying to sit down with just me and him once a day and doing something - usually coloring - and he's so happy... if he asks me to color and I put him off for a little while, he'll get upset and start climbing - because he knows I'll come and get him down. I've started asking him once to get down off the table, and if he doesn't I just pick him up and put him down. My husband said to move the chairs to our bedroom - but I'm not lugging all the chairs back and forth to our room all the time, besides there's no room for them in there! So I turn them upside down on the floor. I like the idea of a bird feeder... He loves being outside, so I know he likes sitting on the trunk in the window looking outside, he'll drive his cars on the sill, just like the cars driving on the street out the window. He tries to look out the kitchen window after getting on the table, and he likes to play in the cat food (we have no other place to put it, really we don't)... I think these things are luring him to the kitchen table...

We just bought a double stroller from our neighbors for $20 (needs to be cleaned but I can't take the cushions off and put them in the washer, not sure how to do it), and I took them both for a walk today... It was late afternoon, the hour before daddy comes home when everything feels particularly stressful. Wesley is getting stir-crazy, Diesel is fussing, and I'm counting the minutes for daddy to be home LOL. SO I loaded them up and we walked around the subdivision across the street... (no parks near by and we live on a 'main' street). Diesel fell asleep and Wesley loved looking at everything - they both are calmed instantly by being outside - it had been too hot for me , but now it's cooling off and I plan on going out more. Then I left Diesel in the stroller when we got home and let Wesley play outside... It was nice because I got some exercise and fresh air too! It helped me avoid my meltdown time LOL

I'm going to keep plodding along and I'm sure things will get better... we're all just adjusting and I know my toddler needs more mommy time - there's just so much other stuff that needs to be done, the house is driving me nuts with it's clutter and I have clothes and diapers to sew and things to finish for other people... It's so overwhelming, I'm trying to formulate a plan though....

[aliah79]

Yes Joline - I remember you and have been wondering where you disappeared to!

It's nice to see you again and I hope you're well! If I had brought home twins, I would have been in tears too! Just having one newborn and one toddler is enough LOL!

*hugs*

[johub]

I am just way way too lazy to make any more cloth diapers! LOL
I am practically too lazy to even use any more cloth diapers but that's another story. That is why I havent been active on the yahoo group.
Joline