New here... will it ever get better?

[astjaj1]

I'm new here. I just gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy on November 4th. This is obviously my first post, but I have been reading many of the posts. I don't even really know what to write because I'm such a mess. on the 4th day after my birth, I just started crying for no reason. I even had a small panic attack. The part that scared the most was that I felt I didn't want anything to do with my son. I went to the doctor on Tuesday, which was the next day, and he placed me on Zoloft. I have previously taken Zoloft for panic attacks and it did wonders. I was on the med. for about two years. Just happened to be weaning of the med. when I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy has gone beautifully really. Never got morning sickness or anything like that. I was in labor for only four hours, and unfortunately, the epidural did not work very well. I guess I'm just wondering why this is happening to me and if it ever gets better. I feel so guilty for not wanting to take care of my baby. I was so excited and happy when he got here, and now I sometimes feel like I've made a huge mistake having a baby. I just really need some support right now because sometimes I just feel like I'm going to lose it. My fiance is very supportive, but I can tell he's getting frustrated, even though he says he's not. I know the Zoloft will help because it helped before, but what can I do to stop the constant thoughts going through my head until the med kicks in. I would really love some success stories of coming out of the dark clouds and anxiety.

Sorry so long

Amanda

[loudmama]

Oh Girl, Hugs to you you! It was a big step reaching out like you did.

It does get better eventually. When, is always the question. Until the meds kick in, take care of yourself. Do what you can to take care of youself. When people offer to help, say "yes." If there is some sort of Mom's group in your area GO. The Mom's group that I went to at the hospital was my saving grace. My birth didn't go as planned, nursing wasn't working & my emotions were everywhere. It was just nice to be around other women in similar situations.

If you are having really bad thoughts, call someone. Set the baby down & breathe. It sucks to hear your baby cry, but if that is what needs to be done to be safe, so be it.

You can get through this. Talk to us. Talk to anyone who will listen.

L

[astjaj1]

thanks for reading

Thanks so much for responding. It brings tears to my eyes that someone cares enough to write back. I know it will get better, I'm just ready for the better to be now. I just feel so up and down. One minute I feel so much better and all I want to do is hold my little angle, and the next minute I don't want anything to do with him. Despite all my crazy feelings and ups and downs, I hope he knows that I really love him so much. Thanks so much again for responding. It makes me feel a lot better.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I have been exactly were u r. IT DOES GET BETTER I was in really bad shape after the birth of my first. I wouldnt go to the dr even tho I knew something was wrong. I was afraid I couldnt breastfeed and take meds and nothing was gonna stop me from nursing.

I also avoided taking care of my dd. The only time I would get near her was to nurse her turnes out that was my saving grace. I like u was having panic attacks and was so afraid I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was also terrified of what I might do. Considering what ppd can cause a woman to do .

DD was 3 months old before my mother finally talked to the dr (we had the same GP at the time)on my behalf and he assured her that there were meds I could take and still bfed. Zoloft as it turnes out. I dont remember exact dates after I started it that it started to help but it was maybe a week or 2 since he put me on a low dose and it was slowly increased over the next week or 2.

Hang in there I know how scary it is. Just keep saying over and over to yourself that u r not alone and it WILL get better Take care and please come here often to talk I wish I had this place then it would have helped a lot to share what I was feeling.

[newcastlemama]

I am so glad that you have gotten help and are reaching out to people!!!!! I think that is the biggest and most diificult first step in recovery from ppd. I am living proof that it does get better..I had severe ppd last October 2004 and I am getting better all the time..I may be even mentally and physically better than before I had a baby now that I go to couseling, exercise, changed my diet, and connected with other moms.
I was SO afraid that I would never be myself again..I think we have all felt that way. You will recover and we have all been there on this forum. Be very gentle on yourself right now (and remember you JUST had a baby a matter of days ago, that is a BIG adjustment in every sense). I found it really helped to always have someone with me and caring for me and my baby. People in my family took shifts and most of the time just hung out with me and helped around the house. It made me feel a lot less scared and having someeone to talk to help divert my brain from my frightening thoughts. We are here for you mama!!
Love and prayers, Jennifer

[astjaj1]

thanks

Thanks so much for your replies. It makes me feel a little better. I have had a really rough time today. My sweet boy was yelling at the top of his lungs. I just burst out crying! Turns out he was still hungry, but I really just lost it. I feel like one minute I'm doing better, and then the next minute I'm so down. I don't know if that's the med starting to work or depression itself. All I know is that I really need to get better because I feel like my relationship with my fiance is going to explode any minute. I just got off the phone with him and he seemed so short with me. I want to go stay at his mothers for a few days, but I'm trying to figure out how to get there because we have one car and he has school tonight. He gets out of school pretty late, but his mother already said we could stay. I'm a crying mess right now. I just can't keep doing this!! I just want to get better for my son and my fiance, but I can't even do that. I just want to feel like myself again.

[BabyHoosier]

Oh, sweetie. I've so been there, and it's horrible.

My daughter had colic for three months straight, and screamed from 6pm-1am every single day. It was a nightmare. I had PPD and like you was afraid of my thoughts.

Zoloft has been my saving grace- give it time. It also took a couple of adjustments on doseage before I got completely back to normal.

Please, just remember- this isn't you. You will not be like this forever. PPD is an insidious monster that causes you to doubt, fear, and think things that aren't something you normally think or think about doing. Hang in there- can you get away for walks? I remember I had a csection, but some days I had to just get out, and I"d go walk and walk.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Is it possible that ur med dose needs to be upped? I would look into that. I know that it can take time for things to get better. The best I remember tho the first week for me was really up and down like u r describing. It is a great idea for you to go stay with someone if that is possible just until u start to feel better. I was super lucky that my mom was able to come and preacticly live with me for a few weeks. I know it isnt the same as having someone there with u but we r hear to listen.

[astjaj1]

went away for a few days

thanks so much to everyone who replied. I went to my future mother in laws house for a week. It really helped to be there, but now that I'm back at home by myself, my anxiety level is creeping back up. it's like I'm afraid to be alone with my baby. Does that make any sense. I have been really up and down lately. I think it's my meds working, but I am upping my dose to 100 mg of Zoloft today. I am just so ready to feel like myself again. I want to start living my life again without being scared of everything. I know it's going to get better, but I'm just so fed up with this ppd/ppa crap!!! I just can't quite seem to shake it. Anyway. Just needed to vent because I haven't been here in a week. I don't really talk to my fiance a whole lot about this anymore because I'm ready for him to see that I'm getting better, which I am, but very slowly. I am so ready to want my baby. I love him so much, but I still feel like I have made a mistake sometimes. Is that Normal? ready to feel like myself again.
:

[newcastlemama]

Dear astjaj1,
I don't know your situation very well, but this is what I know from my experience:
Is there any way that people (your MIL, friends, family, my husband used some of his vacation time too) could stay with you until you really turn the corner? Like I wrote before, I had people stay with me in shifts and would even stay at my mother's house overnight sometimes. From my experience, communitcaitng with your partner is very helpful...if he knows how you feel then he can know how to help more in some ways (help with the baby, call people to make you dinner or give you a break ect). After about 1 month on Effexor I could function, but I still needed a lot of support. I had an experience similar to yours in that I could be okay when other people were
with me but after a few hours the anxiety and scary thoughts would start coming back and then I would just call my mom again and have her come pick me up until my husband was done with work.
You will get better, and it feels like forever when you are not,but now is the time to know that you need extra help. It is really hard for women to accept help and depend on others because we are so used to doing the nuturing. I had to let people help me get better and now I am and you will be too.
Loves and prayers, Jennifer

[astjaj1]

thanks for the support. It makes me feel a little better. When you were still under the clouds, did you feel like you needed constant validation i guess you could say? What I mean is, did you need to constantly read about others getting better or having people constantly tell you that it will get better? I am so up and down right now. I usually feel the most anxious and down during the morning, which is wierd. I usually start feeling a little more like myself at night. It may be because I take my medicine At 2:00 p.m. I just need to keep telling myself that it will get better. I know it will. It's just frustrating in the mean time. Anyway. Thanks so much for all the support. Please keep throwing it at me!

[newcastlemama]

It would really help me when my MIL or mom would tell me I was getting better and I have made so much progress on the days when I felt like PPD would never end.
It took 1 month on effexor for me to just function (sleep at night and be awake during the day) but my husband says it took about 6 months for me to be independant (I don't know if this is the normal amount of recovery time. It took me quite a while I think too because I had a horrible doctor who was not assisting me in wellness...now I have a great dr and it has made a big difference)
Until that time I was still unstable in the way that I could be up and down, need to have my support system ready, calling my dh a lot at work ect..I also had to up my dose on effexor (but the bright side is in a few months I will be tapering off!!) I was diagnosed with PPD 13 months ago and now I feel better than ever! It does take time. Like I said in a former post I now go to a church counselor, completely changed my diet, exercise, lessened my expectations on myself, connected with other moms, have alone time....having a baby is a huge adjustment on its own and with ppd it can just make that transition more scary and difficult....but you will make it through and be stronger...see this time as investing in you and your baby's wellness whenever you need to get help,take long walks, a bath, ect....I hope you start feeling better soon! Jennifer There is hope for life after ppd!!!!!

[astjaj1]

I really appreciate all of the support newcastlemama. I know it will get better. I had an anxiety issue a couple of years ago, and I got better with medication. I remember how bad and scary it was, but I did recover. This bout doesn't seem as severe as the last time, but it's still scary to wonder if you'll ever be yourself again, even though you know you will. I know it takes time. I am a lot better off than I was two weeks ago, but I'm still so anxious a good part of the day. Not so much at night. I remember that I was eventually able to ignore my anxiety and was also able to eventually not even think about it. I know I can do this! I guess I just have to be patient with myself and know that it will get better again. Please keep posting. I don't feel so alone having someone respond back to me. Thanks so much for the support.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I am there too. . .

Amanda-
My first baby was born on the 11th of this month; I feel like I am exactly where you were when you first posted this thread - I was doing great until he was a week old and that night I had a mild panic attack (my diagnosis, not a doctor's). Couldn't stop crying for about 40 minutes or so, it came out of nowhere and I had no idea why I was even crying. Of course I had heard of PPD and my mom had it really bad after I was born - she "saw" demons telling her to throw me outside of the second story window of her apartment. Luckily for me she walked out of the house until she felt safe to go back in and take care of me. . .
DW and I planned this pregnancy in much detail - I have always wanted a child; when we found out we were pregnant I was ecstatic! I never expected to experience PPD myself, but I am there right now. Despite the planning and excitement I too am feeling that I have made a huge mistake in having a baby. I feel like he would be better off without me - I feel like I don't know how to be a good mother and I feel guilty for even bringing him into this world. I don't have any desires to hurt him or myself (or anyone else for that matter), but I have most of the other symptoms people ask about. I spoke with my midwife and she suggested I see my PCP, so I did yesterday. The PCP didn't even ask about my symptoms, just asked if I wanted medication. So, now I have a prescription for Zoloft, start taking it tonight. . . don't really feel too extremely helpful at this point that it will work, but I also feel like this is my option at this point in time. I am trying to find a momma's group in my area but am having problems doing that, even feeling motivated enough to do that.
Just wanted to let you know that there are definately other people out there experiencing the same things and feelings you are - for what it is worth.
I am also looking for ideas on what to do other than just using medications. My midwife is fabulous and gave me a tincture to use with all sorts of stuff in it. . . anybody out there who has had good experiences with treatments other than just using medications? Help, please! I desperately want to take care of this and get back to who I really am. . .
-Susannah

[astjaj1]

Setback?

I have a question. I've been on 100 mg. of Zoloft for about a week now. I felt like I was starting to get better, which I was, but I had a really bad day yesterday. Today is not much better. I've been having bad thoughts about My son and I hate it. I wouldn't ever do anything, but why am I backtracking now? Do I need to up my dose? Please respond.

[loudmama]

Its hard to say. I would call the care provider prescribing the meds & ask them their thoughts. If things are really bad, CALL SOMEONE OR GO SOMEWHERE SAFE. Some days are better than others, even on meds.

Hugs,
L

[astjaj1]

Setback

I must definitely be having a setback. I cried for thirty minutes straight today. I also had a small panic attack last night. I know my meds have started working, but I wonder if I need to up the dose because I have been on 100 mg. of Zoloft before. I know it takes time for the meds to reach a theraputic level, but I have heard that when a antidepressant has been taken before, that it sometimes is not as effective the second time around. I'm so ready to be done with this crap!!! : I am so angry that I can't help myself get through this. I am not ashamed of being on medication, but I wish I could do a little for myself. I see my doctor in a couple of weeks, so I'll talk to him about all of this, but just wondered if this happened to anyone else taking medication.

[loudmama]

You are not alone girl! You may need to even change your medication. Don't delay in taking to your Dr though. Call the office & say that you need to get in sooner! You deserve to get better.

I know its frustrating. Many times I've wondered why is just won't get better. It does get better. Sadly, sometimes you go back. Stick with it. Keep working at it. You deserve to take care of yourself!

L

[astjaj1]

meds

Thanks so much for responding. I don't know if I need to change meds necessarily. It worked for me before. I just wonder if I need to up my dose. I will definitely talk to my doctor about it. I think I would benefit from an anti- anxiety med as well untill I get better. I know it will be up and down for a while, it's just that it's difficult to think you'll ever get better. Even though I know I will. I guess right now my biggest enemy is time. It takes time for the meds to work. It takes time for your body to stabalize itself again after pregnancy. Everything takes time. I know this! I just need to get it through my thick skull to be patient with myself. Anyway. Sorry for the vent. It makes me feel a little better.

[starlein26]

i'm sorry to barge in but can i recommend a wonderful book that might help you sort out a lot of the dramatic and overwhelming psychological aspects of becoming a new mother, it's called "the birth of a mother, how the motherhood experience changes you forever." by daniel sterns, m.d.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/046...books&v=glance

i hope that it at least helps you feel a little more normal! i know i felt so many things inside that i had never heard anyone talk about nor that i even knew how to talk about. this book helped me feel a sense of normalcy and gave me a clearer focus! i wish you the very best and i hope that you can heal soon!