Did your mom use gd with you?

[mykdsmomy]

I have really really enjoyed the posts here...I've been very inspired by a lot of you mamas! I have been struggling with the way I was rasied for a very very very long time. There were five kids in our family...my dad worked, my mom stayed home and was very abusive towards us. My mom suffers from depression (never formally diagnosed) She used to hit us for not having our socks folded the right way in our drawers. She would yell CONSTANTLY. You had to ask permission to use the bathroom or basically do anything....i could go on and on....but my point is......I have spent since my oldest dd was born (almost 11 years ago) trying to NOT be like my mother. I have done the therapy thing but I still find myself losing my temper quickly like my mom and getting annoyed by little things like my mom did....stuff like "dd, get your fingers out of your mouth" or "ds, sit still, stop jumping around"....how do you get past the way your parents parented you if it was not gd or ap or anything even close to being that way?? I've come a long way and going through foster parenting classes have helped me but there's a bit of that ingrained (sp) way of parenting that comes easy to me... the yelling is easy because it's what my mom did....so it's what i witnessed.....isnt that horrible? I want to model positive parenting for my children so they will be nice to their children etc......how do you all do it if you didnt witness it growing up?? hope that made sense.......

[irinam]

Originally Posted by mykdsmomy

how do you all do it if you didnt witness it growing up??

Honestly? By reading this forum and learning to trust my instincts.

[Ann-Marita]

I read books. I liked the Sears' "The Discipline Book" especially.

I actually experienced some healing of my own childhood wounds by parenting DD in a nurturing way.

But it did really make me have to face the realitites of my childhood and the abuse that went on. Painful, but healthy in the long run.

[maya44]

Yes, which is perhaps why I think I am more (insert correct word here: confident? secure? at peace?) with GD'ing while still maintaining rules and expectations.

My mom GD'd: used no punishment, but still used the word "no". Not a biggie for me. Not a biggie for my dd's either.

[Rigama]

MyKidsmommy,

Your mother and my mother sound like the same person

I have also run into "becoming my mother" issues while dealing with DS and have also experienced that extreme annoyance at the smallest thing and it scares me that all my hard work to not be like my mother is all for nothing, 'cause she comes out anyway.

I rarely yell at DS and I've never hurt him. Reading these threads help a lot. Also being completely aware that I have choices. I chose not to be an addict, chose not to drop out of school, chose to go to college and be a different person. Sometimes I need just to remember that I can also choose not to yell, choose not to hit, and choose to hug my child when I feel like I can't stand him another second.(ugh, that sounds so awful )

Rigama

[mrsfatty]

I too was verbally/emotionally/physically abused growing up...and I just listen to my heart--and if I'm getting frustrated...I take a step back...and remind myself that I'm giving my children a better life than I have had...

[wildmonkeys]

I guess it depends on who you ask I think my mom used GD and it would seem to me that most of her techniques were pretty GD but having read many posts on this board my guess would be that my mom's techniques didn't live up to their standards.

As for how to do it when you didn't grow up with it - I have heard that one can learn more about being a good boss from having a bad boss thn a good boss. Know what your mom did that upset you and undermined you and do that differently - try to do it with gratitude for the lessons you have learned from her mistakes and your parenting will be more positive.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[ediesmom]

naw.....no gd at my house growing up!!!!!!

but....it wasn't hard to do things differently. Not perfectly...differently.

[LandonsMom]

My parents were very gentle with me, I was a very sweet child and knew when i had done something wrong, I can not remember being spanked. My brother on the other hand was VERY strong willed and i recall him being spanked a lot. Somethimes with a belt. Consequently, he spent much of the last 10 years (hes 26) being very angry and looking for answers in all the wrong places. He and I are very different, although recently he has become a lot softer and less angry, We were both raised christian, but its just now becoming real for both of us.
My parents had two kids later in life, and they were very gentle with the two of them, even though one was pretty strong willed. I think they learned through experience to be slow to anger and that there are other ways to hold children accountable.

I guess being witness to the spanking definatly affected how i plan to raise my kids. I can certainly say that i will never treat my kids the way my dad treated my older brother. I cant tell you how much i cried on the days when he was being spanked hard or with a belt. I pray everyday for the patience to be gentle with ds through the good and bad days.

Good luck Mama, you can find the patience!!

[sunnysideup]

No. My mom was/is crazy and abusive.

how do you all do it if you didnt witness it growing up??

I had to brake away from my mom completely. Distancing myself from her has improved my mental health immeasurably. Then I read a lot.

[SKK]

Heck no, and dad was even worse!

However, they both are pretty GD with my ds's, and I've barely even talked to them about it. I guess that is the natural difference between children and grandchildren!

[UnschoolnMa]

My mother did spank me a little over the years (she felt terrible about it and apologized to me years later ) but other than that she was sorta GD I think. We had our moments for sure, but I do remember many of my friends commenting on how respectful of me she was. I learned a lot from my mom both about what I want to be and what I do not want to be.

[Niamh]

My mother was horrible. She was the farthest thing from a GD'er. Let me list some of our fun experiences growing up.

-Constant yelling.
-Constant discipline (hitting) with the 'speaker' (rails recycled from our crib-when she broke one on one of us, she'd send us off to get another one.) One of my brothers and I used to compete to see if we could get through a day without getting spanked-he did once, I never did.
-Making us grab our ankles when she beat us-very humiliating.
-We had to eat everything on our plates. If we didn't, she stuck it on top of the fridge-uncovered-and we got it for breakfast, then lunch, and on until we ate it. I ate several green and black meals.
-No bathroom after being sent to bed, then beatings the next day if there was a wet bed.
-Beatings if we didn't clean something good enough. We had to "look at it through Mom's eyes" which meant that if she was mad at you, you'd spend hours trying to get the sink even more spotless. I remember one Saturday spending hours crying because the toilet wasn't clean "through her eyes", but she wouldn't tell me what "mom's eyes" could see that I couldn't. Quite sadistic, actually.
-Making you stand for hours under the clock-the longest one of my brothers ever had to stand there was 33 hours.
-She'd put us outside on our front porch-no matter what the weather-in our pajamas if we made noise after going to bed.
-Every night she'd go around from bed to bed (all 10 of us slept in the same room) and make us share a "Pleasant experience" from the day. The funny thing was, if you couldn't think of a pleasant experience, she'd hit you with her speaker until you could.

Add to that a father who avoided the house as much as possible so that he wouldn't have to deal with it or change it.

So it was never a question with me that I would parent differently. Though to be truthful, before I had Hannah, I thought that I would just stop the beatings. That would be hard enough with the temper I'd inherited and the behaviours I'd learned. The next generation could stop the yelling and the next could stop the emotional abuse.

Then I had Hannah and knew I'd not be happy as a parent unless I found a way to stop all three. So I addressed it in therapy (mostly anger management-I'd never been taught appropriate anger management) and devoured parenting books. Now I read through every single post here on this board and in the tribal area on the UP tribe thread-though that might not be for you if you're not an Alfie Kohn fan.

One of the most liberating things I did was to just let go. I let go of caring about what other people thought of me as a parent (which is why most parents yell at/strike their kids in public). I let go of caring about having complete control over my child (your examples about fingers in the mouth/moving around would have been me before I found good resources-and they are some of my ILs).

I think that the most important thing you can do if you want to be a GD parent is to completely immerse yourself in this board and the books that are suggested on this board. If you eat, sleep, and breathe GD, you'll soon find that you can't NOT start to GD your child. You'll start catching yourself thinking "Why did I just say that?" and "Why did I just do that?" and "Was that really necessary?" And then you'll find yourself *gasp* apologizing to your kids. And then you'll know you're on your way.

Hugs to you.

[vermonttaylors]

Yeah, both my parent were pretty GD with me, but my mom wasn't with my older brother and sister (she was way young when she had them, I came later). She was calmer and more centered with me. There were still things she did and said that I now recognize as things a mama under stress does, but I was never spanked and always treated with love and respect. She is SUPER GD with my kids and my dad is and always has been amazing with children, especially babies (it's wives he has issues with ).

I am still working on my own temper, which I know I get from my mom, but she is better at controlling her outbursts. Sometimes I yell before I even have time to stop myself . At least it feels that way. I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to dwell on my failures, but man oh man the guilt can be hard to live with .

I guess my point is, even if you had GD parents, it still takes a serious commitment and work and forgiveness to parent this way with your own kids. I get so much inspiration from this board. Thank you mamas!

[mykdsmomy]

Thank you mamas so much for all the posts. You all inspire me!
Niamh, I am so terribly sorry you had to go through such abuse in your childhood. It's so unbelievable how parents treat their children sometimes....
My mom yelled and hit constantly. I could see her coming at me for little things......I wouldnt accidentally splash a little water when I was doing the dishes...and she would freak..."Da** it, Judy watch what you're doing" then she'd grab my arm or slap me somehow.....and I'd be standing there wondering what I should do....it's like you couldnt move without getting yelled at.....
I like what most of you said about just emerging yourself in gd threads and books......I think tha'ts what has helped me more in the past few years than the years of therapy I went through... You mamas are really helping mamas!!!!

[Bethla]

My mom used to slap me. But her favorite tool of punishing me was to ignore me. She was able to do it once for several days-until my dad stepped in, I was 5 yo. It still hurts to think about it. She never acknowledged my feelings-I wasn't allowed to express myself. I knew deep down even as a child that how I was treated was wrong. So I've tried to be a better parent and analyze how I treat my children.

[Lucky Charm]

I would say my mom was a gentle discipliner. I dont remember ever being hit, or smacked. She was always respectful. She set limits, but she'll tell you I was "easy".

My mom is a lot like the Barbara Streisand character in Meet The Fockers. She is a therapist who retired last fall.

I parent very much the way she did.

[johub]

My mom was GD, but she had her moments. She was not so GD with my oldest sisters when they were little, but only because my dad. She eventually gave up spanking before I came along because she didnt believe in it anyway and only did it because she was pressured that that was what you were supposed to do.
My dad was not at all GD. BUt lucky me, he worked nights so I avoided him most of my childhood.
I was the "good kid" and never got on my dad's bad side. But I was scarred for life seeing him hit my teenage sister and throw her against the fireplace. (she probably stumbled back into it but my memory is that he threw her against it) He was a yeller and it seemed to me growing up that he hated children so why did he have 5 of them.
But he was gone most of the time and my mom ran interference.
I was grounded once. But I deserved it (I egged my arch enemy's house! )LOL. But she couldnt even hold me to that and let me off halfway through.
And once when I was particularly stubborn she took me to the bathroom in a restaurant and smacked me.
But these two incidences were so unusual that they stand out.
One thing about my mom though was that she was, and still is a LECTURER! Which some would say is GD because her goal is to pass on information which I then use to change my behavior or choose my behavior etc. . . But to be honest. I sometimes wished she would just give me a quick punishment and get it over with.
My mom has been an excellent influence when it comes to discipline, especially with my daughter (she always convinced me to go easy on her when she was little LOL) but she was not at all AP so many things about my parenting are opposite what she did.
Joline

[Trinitty]

Wow, I'm so sad reading some of these posts. I'm really sorry that things were so bad for some of you.

I had a wonderful childhood. My parents yelled a lot and I was spanked once by each of them, but, things were really good.

My parents always took me seriously, listened to what I had to say, explained EVERYTHING to me, encouraged me and loved me.

I had to eat my dinner, clean up my room, get good grades, speak clearly, get a job as soon as it was legal, be kind, etc, but, that's all part of raising a productive human being.

By some standards here on these boards, they were "strict". I didn't go to parties, I was never hanging out at the mall, I had a sharp bedtime and meal time and hysterics would not have been permitted. But, I would say that they were very good parents, "GD"? I'm not really sure.

[captain crunchy]

No, far from GD...single mom, alcoholic dad, mom had 4 kids to raise on her own which I imagine was very stressful and hard on her.... but she was a yeller (still is) and a hitter, and because I was a highly sensitive *spirited* child, I got the worst of it. We were never allowed to make our own decisions with hardly anything. I know my mom loves us, but we had a really stressful childhood because we picked up on all her stress, and anger and resentment at her situation and because 4 year olds shouldn't have to worry about the electric being on or off when they get home from Grandmom's.

I know a lot of people have it a lot worse, but man, I am affected by my childhood. My mom is big on guilt trips, we always were made to feel guilty about something...and she had a really short fuse...

Before I got pregnant even I knew I would parent differently. I didn't exactly know what I was going to do, but I definately knew what I wasn't going to do.

A friend on another site directed me here when I became pregnant our baby girl and I am SO thankful she did. I have learned SO much from so many wise and insightful mamas and I am so happy I learned all these things while I was pregnant -- because while I think it is definately possible to undo punitive parenting if you are determined to change, I think it is much easier to start from the beginning with GD and such...