Bipolar, no meds? - Page 4

[velcromom]

Yes! I spent so much time in the past disassociated... it is apparently a special skill of mine, left over from childhood, that I can induce that state of mind where it all just feels like it's not quite real, it's not my real life and if I just make it through then one day my real life will start. Or something more clear and real, or more meaningful, I'm not quite sure what.

It's hard to shut that off and be in the moment.

One thing that has helped me recently to get a sense of my role, and what my life is right now, has been getting together with some other women who share my values... I see them and hear their wisdom, frustrations, joys... and I see myself more clearly too, somehow realizing I am not alone makes my life more real and valuable, if that makes sense. I guess because I admire them and respect them and see what a neat time in their lives it is, raising their babies... I can't help but think, hey, but that's what I'm doing too, and then the feelings of satisfaction and confidence belong to me as well - not just them.

I still space out and go into "this means nothing, soon my really important meaningful life will begin" mode and probably once a day have to snap myself out of it... I have to look into my son's eyes, touch him and say to myself: This is HIS childhood I am influencing just by being. It's not unreal to him, it's the only thing he knows, and I have to join him and be in his reality too.

It's pretty silly my brain keeps telling me that my meanginful real life is somewhere in the future and just hold on.... because right now my life is full and busy and connected, exactly opposite of what my brain tells me.

It's hard but keep trying!

[velcromom]

Originally Posted by slacker_mom

After years of feeling like crap, I finally made some progress with one of the psychologists in the research group, using cognitive behavioral therapy.

Hi!

Just wanted to chime in and say, cognitive behavioral therapy was super helpful for me... gave me lots of tools to use and a much better understanding of things... truly I wouldn't be who I am today without that experience.

Once I realized there was a physical reason for my experiences I was able to separate that from "me". I am not a condition and it doesn't dictate who I am. It's like having recurring headaches - something to be managed, not taken over by. I feel it coming on and I decide what I am going to do about it. Big difference from before when I didn't know what was going on and just thought that was how I am.

[lauraess]

Originally Posted by Madds5

Hi--
I'm so happy this is a needed forum
I revived this thread and then I didn't look at it for a month and more! oops. we are REALLY not alone in this!
me... it's one of those weeks when i'd love to chalk it up to the moon/period/pms/pre-pms/post-period whatever.. but my brain goes NOPE YOU JUST AREN"T DOING WELL. there are just so many details weighing heavy right now, moving to new zealand in december, withdrawing from everything it seems, finding reasons not to see people i know (mostly because i have very little energy for my toddling son, let alone the world out there, or even at a friend's house, or on the bus). I am also a highly sensitive person and I FEEL EVERYTHING, every fluctuation in temperature, every facial expression, tone of voice, it's useful sometimes but it's driving me crazy right now!
Also, I'm so sad to admit.. the unplanned-ness (sort of surprise pregnancy)of our little sweet boy is like a freight train running into me every day. I know that sounds really awful and lazy and irresponsible... I mean, we WANTED to have a baby, i just never anticipated feeling like this. I feel like I barely get through each day, and if I put on Sesame Street for an hour I just look at his little self and can't help but feel selfish and unable to give him my attention. I still nurse him which makes me feel better about spending quality time, and I tickle him and talk to him all the time.. it's just that I feel so shitty and I wake up hoping that "today I'll feel like I LOVE BEING A MUM".. I don't resent him-- I love Andraeus so much.. it's just.. it's like I haven't surrendered yet to the fact that THIS IS MY LIFE. I have days when I feel alive and loving and wonderful for him, but those are once a week or so. Maybe I just need a good kick in the derriere. I don't know. I want to surrender to this! I WANT to feel the love and show it. When is my brain chemistry going to stop f---ing me around? Or is that a cop-out? It's probably something I can fix and am just lazy. I feel like I'm just playing house here, getting by. The rest of the time I'm not getting a grip and taking my life by the horns, kwim?
Does anymum understand this?

Erin

Erin I sure wish i was in New zealand to give you more than an online hug! i hear it's beautiful there?!
I am reading your post and it sounds like the way i felt when my first was born. we did not plan him and I suffered and struggled greatly all the while wanting to be this super duper mom. I didnt know i had bipolar and was in denial of the ppd that seemed to kicking my butt. At night i beat my head on the wall, never got enough sleep, and the guilt? ughh. I hope you can let go of some of that.
I wonder if writing a journal for yourself would help? it really does wonders for me. Can you get out in the evening for a bit to have a little you time? All moms need this but i believe we with mental disorders need it ever so much more.

Take care of yourself. Even if it's making a promise to go for a walk every day, take you little guy to the park, get a paper and find a group--- maybe even a support group for bipolars. Having said that: I wonder if we have one around here?

[iamama]

I just wanted to mention truehope its basically a nicro nutrient supplement. A friend of mine recommends it and (she has dealt with her husbands illness.)maybe it could help.

[CherylAnn]

Erin I think those mixed feelings about kids are so normal.

Velcromom, this:
"This is HIS childhood I am influencing just by being. It's not unreal to him, it's the only thing he knows, and I have to join him and be in his reality too."

...really spoke to me. This is just exactly how I feel and what I try to say to myself. It fills me with such feelings of guilt/satisfaction. More of those mixed feelings I mentioned above. I bet all conscientious parents (and I do count myself as one, even with my insecurities) go through that. But it is the daily, somtimes hourly, reminder to myself that this is their childhood and everything I do is creating a memory for them, that really keeps me going, mostly on the right track. Self-accoutability.

[CherylAnn]

Ooooh, Velcro, I just clicked on your NIP link! Cool! I love NIP! I don't have a nursing child any longer, but I try to get up the courage to encourage any Mama I see NIP. I don't always, but so wish that I would overcome my fear of speaking to strangers to do it.

[familylove]

Originally Posted by passionfaerie

I am so glad I looked at this thread!
Does anyone else have the manic/depression swings that come with their periods? I feel like I am fine 2 weeks out of the month and the other 2 weeks I am rapid cycling.

Holy Cr*p! I spent the last 3.5 years going through this and thought I was totally alone. My therapist and I could find hardly any research on this topic! A small intro since I'm hoping right into the middle of this thread:

I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 15 and then re-diagnosed with BPII after my DS was born 4 yrs ago. I was depressed most of my pregnancy and had PPD that was out of this world awful. I, thankfully, have come out of the cycling with a few glitches, but I do take several "conventional" meds as well as fish oil and serious therapy. I completely agree with slacker and velcromoms' suggestion of cognitive behavioral therapy. Learning to separate myself from my condition and manage my symptoms (anxiety, depression, irritability) has helped me SO much. I still have bad days and get panic attacks and all that lovely stuff, but it helps to step back and say, "Wow, my illness is really acting up today!"

Erin, Please be gentle and kind to yourself...this is such a difficult thing to deal with.

Thanks for letting me share!

[tyedyedeyes]

Wheeeeeeee!

OMG mamas, today has been terrible. If I could leave, I would. Not due to anything DS or DH have been doing, but I swear to high heaven if I had $100 and a road map, I'd be gone. My thoughts are not really all that clear right now, I want to cry and do jumping jacks at the same time. WTH? I have cleaned the house top to bottom in an effort to redirect this anxiety/energy/mania and it's not working. The only thing that's happening is my knuckles are split and bleeding because i've had them in the soap for so long. I scrubbed the kitchen floor by hand and got under the baseboards with an old toothbrush. I got the stove clean with ajax and a wool pad.

My mind is racing right now, and I keep thinking about nonsensical things. I feel like screaming. This is a really bad episode and I just want DH to come home.

DH just got paid and I have this extreme urge to not pay rent or bills, run away and not look back for like, three weeks... and do fun things that are stupid at the same time but I really want to do them. When I was manic before I had DS and was married and stuff, I would just take my entire paycheck (or unemployment check), and pick a direction, and go. Just drive. I'd sleep in the car, if I slept at all. I didn't eat. I have no appetite right now. I suppose that's a good thing, I have another 100 pounds to lose.

I needed to type something. I needed to give my fingers something to type. I had to get this out somewhere. I have taken almost a half a bottle of rescue remedy today! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanks for listening.

I think I'll go clean out the closet now.

~Kate

[CherylAnn]

Kate What a terrible place to be!! What you describe is how I feel right before I try to climb under things...I think as a rudimentary way of squelching the feeling. Hang in there! Don't follow your impulses. Lean on dh.

[lauraess]

tyedyedeyes: hope you can come out of that place real soon.

[familylove]

Tyedyeeyes: I'm sorry...I know that place sucks. Like lauraess said, lean on DH.

[tyedyedeyes]

Thanks mamas, things got worse last night, as the anxiety pushed me to the brink. DH got home at 10:45 and after a quick shower, he stayed up with me until I passed out somewheres around 2am. I think I just passed out from mental and physical exhaustion. My mind and body is vibrating at a very high frequency. I don't feel as bad as I did last night around midnight (when I was rocking back and forth on the bed bawling). DH tried so hard to help, he kept wanting to massage me, and he did for a little bit when I could stand it, but I didn't really want anyone touching me! I kept getting up and moving around the room because no place felt okay. I took some valerian and ended up wedged between the wall and the mattress somewhere around 2. I woke up this morning like toast out of a toaster and headed for the bathroom where I promptly vomited. Don't know what came out because I haven't really eaten anything. I hate this. I'm still feeling off, very very off, but I've been drinking tension tamer tea and I'm trying to focus this energy on something else. I have to clean the house because I have company from out of town coming over today. Ugh. Being bi-polar sucks. Having an anxiety disorder sucks. Sometimes I think it would be better to be a zombie and be on all that medication. I just can't. I think (and even in this state of mind) that i'd rather go through this every so often and HAVE some emotions than be on freaking anti-seizure medication for the rest of my life. Does anyone get the body vibrations like me? (Shaking, feeling like there's electricity running thru my viens?)

I have to stop rambling now, I need to start cleaning for company. I'm really going to try and focus this energy into a positive, and DH isn't working today so I know that I have some relief if I need it.

Thanks mamas.
~Kate

[volcaniclava]

Originally Posted by tyedyedeyes

Does anyone get the body vibrations like me? (Shaking, feeling like there's electricity running thru my viens?)
~Kate

That is exactly how i feel! I always describe it aas something trying to break out of my chest, the vibration, oh gawd I feel for you! Since DH is there I highlysuggest trying to take a walk, when your body has something to do - push forward- sometimes that can help your mind chill allittle...
good luck I will definatly check back in with you, I could've written your post just last week!!!

[Alana]

Yes I do get that feeling. If that happens during the day I load everyone up in the van, and turn on some music and we just drive. Fortunately my dc dont mind. Sometimes I will clean and clean and clean. I force my body to do activity so my mind stays focused on my task....or on music and driving. On the flip side of that....sometimes that feeling feels more like inflammation in my body....but that is when Im not manic and Im really depressed.

Dh said he can tell the Lamictal is starting to take effect...Im way calmer and not so down. I used to pester him about his driving...I would have anxiety attacks because I wasnt the one in control. The other day I was just zoned out watching scenery and listening to music while dh drove. All of a sudden he started screaming and pulled over. He had the brilliant idea of taking the lid off his coffee while driving 70 mph because the coffee was too hot....of course it splashed all over him and that was why he screamed. Later he said that maybe Im too relaxed because before I wouldve stopped him from doing something so stupid!

Question.....do any of you do better when you have a solid schedule in place???

[Ambrose]

Originally Posted by Alana

Question.....do any of you do better when you have a solid schedule in place???

As long as I have control of my schedule. I feel myself slipping out of my calmness right now because I'm used to scheduling appointments and errands and having my whoel week full of chaos (running around because DD can't handle doing it all in one day) so every day of the week usually has SOMETHING to go to. But for the past 3 weeks I think I've only had one day a week to do stuff and it was only like one or two things. I'm losing my mind. My DH is SOOOO happy that we aren't running all over the place. But I'm about to start snapping. I HAVE to have that type of schedule. Maybe it'll be better next week. I scheduled DD's speech appointments and that's two times a week. And my DBT therapy is two times a week on different days than her speech. Right now that leaves one day open to do nothing....


and it's driving me up the wall.



Maybe that can be bill pay/grocery shopping/post office run day....

-ponders-

[CherylAnn]

Kate, yes I feel that "vibration". I've always called it feeling like I was crawling out of my skin, but "body vibrations" is such a great way to describe it. It's such a physical sensation, more than emotional, even though there are emotions there, too, for certain. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Sounds like dh is really great. I agree with you, as someone who has been a zombie, I much prefer using lifestyle changes to treat it than pharmacueticals. I don't rapid cycle when I'm not on drugs. Just that is such a huge improvement!!! It sounds like you are finding some self-care techniques. I'm all about that right now. When I put me first, my family gets a better me.

I think I do better with a routine, but I need to change it up every so often. I'm really jiving with getting up at 7 to do a run/walk every day. I also do well when I have committments. Sometimes, I will overcommit, but that is better for me than when I have too little responsibility. Public responsibility does a lot to keep me balanced. It's because of an overactive need to look good...I don't want to fail anyone. It's become a blessing.

[ConfusedPrincess]

I'm happy to have found this post! It's nice to know I'm not alone..I mean obviously I knew other people in the world had BPD but I've never came across someone who was;it was always just me.
I have always had 'issues' with taking prescription medications for a "mental illness". I have been prescribed Abilify for about 2.5 years now and of all teh meds I've tried it worked the best.
To be honest I only took for 5-6 months at a time when I would be doing really bad. I feel I've learned to control myself a LOT-I still have a ways to go but I'm not as bad.
I was lucky to have gotten on the subject of pregnancy with my doctor last fall. She informed me that I should wean off of Abilify PRIOR to conceiving since it could cause mental deformities especially in the first trimester.
So I'm obviously not on the medicine nor have I been for awhile. I don't know if it's normal to feel the ways I feel during my pregnancy or if it has anything to do with my BPD and not being able to take any medication for it.
I know everyone says pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time but I'm having a hard time dealing with the things in my life right now. But don't get me wrong I am overjoyed to be pregnant and I feel hopeful and strong knowing I have this life inside of me depending and relying on me.
So if any of you could tell me how you dealt with your 'highs' and 'lows' w/out meds during pregnancy I would really appreciate it.

[Ambrose]

Originally Posted by ConfusedPrincess

I'm happy to have found this post! It's nice to know I'm not alone..I mean obviously I knew other people in the world had BPD but I've never came across someone who was;it was always just me.
I have always had 'issues' with taking prescription medications for a "mental illness". I have been prescribed Abilify for about 2.5 years now and of all teh meds I've tried it worked the best.
To be honest I only took for 5-6 months at a time when I would be doing really bad. I feel I've learned to control myself a LOT-I still have a ways to go but I'm not as bad.
I was lucky to have gotten on the subject of pregnancy with my doctor last fall. She informed me that I should wean off of Abilify PRIOR to conceiving since it could cause mental deformities especially in the first trimester.
So I'm obviously not on the medicine nor have I been for awhile. I don't know if it's normal to feel the ways I feel during my pregnancy or if it has anything to do with my BPD and not being able to take any medication for it.
I know everyone says pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time but I'm having a hard time dealing with the things in my life right now. But don't get me wrong I am overjoyed to be pregnant and I feel hopeful and strong knowing I have this life inside of me depending and relying on me.
So if any of you could tell me how you dealt with your 'highs' and 'lows' w/out meds during pregnancy I would really appreciate it.

I was all over the place so much so that this time around with pregnancy I HAVE to take my medicine or I will not be able to function (as in keep a job, I'll be too manic and want to be flighty and such and since I'm the breadwinner I NEED my meds. I also need them this time around because I got very violent when I was off meds and preggo.)

Unfortunately my meds are seroquel and lamictal. I can't find anything really bad about either of them, but them again I haven't looked very hard. All of my docs are against me taking ANY meds during pregnancy but the one prescribing my meds does understand that I NEED something and can't NOT take anything, he saw the fall out of the last pregnancy. But with all the medical problems with my DS in utero I sometimes wonder if it wasn't because of the meds. Because genetic disorders just dont run in our family (at least not the severe ones DS has) but to avoid feeling massive amounts of guilt for an evil necessity for me to function I just don't look into the research or if there even is any.

wow, that got so off topic...

Anyways, yea I was all over the place and thinking it was totally pregnancy related to get upset and whine and cry over every little thing and yeah... that's just so not true.

[volcaniclava]

seroquel and la,ictal are what Im supposed to take too, you like it? any weight gain?

[Alana]

I have lost weight since taking Lamictal....Im down 12 lbs now in the past few wks...but that isnt a bad thing...I want to lose 50 altogether. I just dont want to eat.