WOHM with SAHD - Page 2

[Hannah's Mom]

I just wanted to report that DH and I have really come to a better understanding about the few things that were upsetting me before. I think I also understand more how difficult it can be for DH during the week when I'm not there and dd wants her mommy so badly. It can make things very rough on him and that is why he is so ready to hand her off to me the second I get home. In that way, I think a SAHD of an infant (especially a BF infant) can have a tougher time than many SAHMs - there is just such a special bond between a mommy and a baby. I think that as dd grows it will get easier for DH.

[owen&mama]

Good point. I'm glad you have had a chance to talk some things out.

We have recently gone to full-time caregiver so that DH could concentrate on finishing the house. Once he's finished he will stay with DS two days a week, or at least that's the plan.

I made an assumption that since DH wasn't with DS as much that he would make up for lost time in the evenings and on weekends, rather than defaulting to me for DS's care. Actually it's been quite the contrary most of the time. He seems to be headed in the other direction....further withdrawn from DS's care.....: I honestly think he's overwhelmed with the "stuff of life" right now, but it has been a little disconcerting. Maybe there's a talk in our future, too!

[Ocean]

Hannah's Mom -- I'm glad to hear that things are working out better with your dh. I go though similar things with my dh. I totally agree that it's really hard for a dad to be home alone with a really little bf baby, and it gets easier with time. My dh is a SAHD mostly because he was laid off, but he agreed that keeping dd out of day care would be good if we could manage it, so we're doing the best we can to make that happen. I know that my dh gets pretty frustrated at times because he never really wanted to be a SAHD, but it is definitely much easier now. When I first went back to work, dd was only 7 weeks, and often nursed for comfort and never napped more than 20 minutes and always wanted to be held. Now she naps 1-2 hours once a day (or sometimes two 45 minute naps), so he has time to do his own thing for a while. Plus she can play by herself for sometimes up to half an hour at a time and she will let us set her down now (although sometimes she's still very clingy). She's 14 months old now, and for us things got significantly easier around 10 months.

[Hannah's Mom]

Long vent/request for advice ahead.

The last 2 nights have been really rough. DH and I had a wonderful evening on Wednesday night after dd went down for the night. Then dd woke up CRYING and pretty much inconsolable about 3-4 times during the night. We cosleep and it's not unusual for her to wake and nurse a couple of times, but usually she wakes up relatively quietly and goes right back to sleep, sometimes without even needing to nurse. Wednesday was different. She is teething (her top front teeth are about to break through) and we assumed that was her problem.

Usually after a bad night, dd will nap pretty well the next day. Not so on Thursday. DH said dd took 2 naps for 30 minutes maximum, when at least one of those naps is usually over an hour. When I walked in the door last night, DH starts venting to me in what I considered a very inappropriate way. He says, essentially, that Hannah was horrible today and was a pain in the a$$ (actually used that term) and she was right there playing! I got so upset and told him not to talk about her like that. He responded by telling me not to tell him what to do. I was so mad I told him maybe he should go back to work bc dd might be better off in daycare than with him if that was his attitude. We were basically short with each other all night. DD went to bed at her normal time (btwn 7:30 and 8:00) with little trouble, but then woke up crying again 3-4 times, again inconsolable even after nursing a couple of times. We even gave her a dose of baby Motrin and during one of her fits rubbed a little baby orajel on her gums (something we've never used before), which calmed her for about 30 minutes before she woke up again. I am usually the one who handles dd's night wakings bc she usually just wants to nurse, but even that wasn't doing the trick Wed or Thurs night. I finally asked DH (probably not so nicely) at about 12:30 am to get involved bc nothing I was doing was working. He got all annoyed and picks up dd and takes her to the living room to see if sleeping on the couch would help. Apparently it did bc they returned to bed at some point and dd woke up crying again at about 1:30 or 2:00 (and again at about 3:00 and again at 4:30 and again at 6:15).

This morning DH and I were irritable with each other and I left for work on a terse note, hugging and kissing dd goodbye and telling her I love her and I'll miss her like usual, but just telling DH goodbye (not I love you like usual).

So, first, what can I do to help dd sleep better. She doesn't have a fever (I didn't take her temp, but she isn't warm) and doesn't appear sick in any way (no stuffy nose, etc.) and her diaper wasn't dirty or anything. Second, what can I do about this incident with DH. I'm still very upset about what he said about dd, especially right in front of her. It is like he doesn't understand that she's just a baby and that all babies have bad days and nights. He takes it so personally. But if I tell him that is how I feel, he gets even more upset.

I know he is great with her during the day and would never be mean to her and was probably just venting, but I don't want him to talk like that about her, ever.

[Ocean]

Hannah's Mom, I'm sorry that you had such a rough night. I'm not sure I have much advice, but I can totally sympathize. My dd is not a good night sleeper, and often wakes up every hour or two at night. It's definitely worse when she is sick, like just two weeks ago when she had the chicken pox and was literally up all night long for two nights in a row, and didn't go to sleep until 3:00 or 4:00 a few other nights. It's very hard when you need to get up and work the next morning. Like you, I typically take care of dd at night. My dh figures he is the one home with her all day so he should get a break and that she probably wants to nurse anyway. (Funny how I never get any breaks...) Usually dd comes to bed with me around 9:30. If she is still not sleeping by about 2 or 3, I will ask dh to take her. At first he was very upset about that. I pointed out that literally 99% of the time she wakes up at night I take care of her, and that I didn't think it was fair that he should be able to get 8-9 hours of sleep a night while I only was getting 2-3 hours and had to go to work for 11 hours the next day. He finally seems to get it, and now he is more willing to take dd when she has been up for hours and it is clear that nursing is not helping. He still doesn't like being woken up in the middle of the night to take care of dd, but now sometimes if he is up and it is 11:00 or 12:00 and he can hear that dd still hasn't gone to sleep, he will take her so that I can get some rest for at least a couple hours before he brings her back to bed. I still get much less sleep and almost no "me" time compared to my dh, but it's an improvement. Maybe you can try to get your dh to see that you both need to get *some* rest, and that maybe over the next few nights while your dd is up teething you can try to take turns or shifts caring for her at night.

[owen&mama]

Originally posted by Ocean
(Funny how I never get any breaks...) ... I still get much less sleep and almost no "me" time compared to my dh,

I can SO relate to both of you! Several times in the last few months, DS has done the same thing, Hannah's Mom. Crying for no apparent reason. Like Ocean, it has generally been the two or three nights before something hit - in our case, it was some sort of virus, then a tummy upset (that culminated into a two-diaper explosion at 3:00 a.m. after which he slept like a rock), then croup . I couldn't get it either, there was usually no fever or symptoms until a day or so later. The teeth could definitely be it.

Yes....somehow, my DH seems to think that my work time IS the "me" time! Except for about five minutes here a day at most, that's about the extent of it....

I don't have much advice either. It sounds like a rough couple of days for you. Funny, our biggest riffs usually follow a really romantic or nice time together, come to think of it. :

[Hannah's Mom]

Ocean & owen&mama - it is so nice to know that DH and I are not the only ones going through these issues! I think DH also thinks my work time is my "Me" time also. Ocean - I don't know why our DHs can't realize that we need sleep, too, in order to function at work. Thanks so much for commiserating with me.