New here--is it anxiety or PPD?

[newbymom05]

Hi, I guess I'll start w/ some quick background. I've had depression/anxiety issues for the last 15+ yrs so once I got pregnant I was terrified I was going to have PPD or worse. I had a hellacious 1st trimester w/ non-stop panic, but I switched to a GD diet (dx'd w/ g. diabetes) and started exercising and sailed through the next 2 trimesters and had a challenging birth and nursing experience, but nothing I felt I couldn't handle.

Now it's 5 mo. later and it's pretty clear that our baby is high-needs. He needs to be held or entertained all the time, and since I'm a SAHM that's what I do. I thought I was fine w/ it--I feel like he's worth anything and everything--but I've been having irrational/obsessive thoughts and they're getting worse. Prior to ds I would just get back on meds, but now that I'm b-feeding I really don't want to do that unless it becomes absolutely necessary. How do I decide when that point is?

We moved out of state before dc was born so we don't have friends/family nearby to help out which makes it hard sometimes. I know I should get out and meet new people, but driving in the car can be so stressful to ds--picture shrieking/gasping/crying for up to 30 minutes--that a lot of times I just stay home rather than put us both through it. Today I planned to go to a mom's group but he hasn't had his nap yet and is getting cranky now, so I may have to blow that off too. Having the only infant that isn't quietly lying there makes me feel worse sometimes.

Thanks for listening. Maybe I just need to vent. I feel like I'm just going to have to put up w/ this until ds is able to be away from me for longer than an hr--he's a very frequent nurser and teething now so even more so than usual. I guess I"m realizing that I'm pretty stressed out and I'm not sure what I can or should do about it.

[teacup]

My shortened answer to your question about anxiety versus depression: probably both. The obsessive thoughts sound like depression, but only a professional could extricate one from the other.

Which leads me to what else I think about the situation: Get some professional help now. I think someone who specializes in PPD is your best bet, and hopefully in that person you'll find someone who is BF friendly. I had a similar experience: history of depression, sans medication during pregnancy (and did okay), but then around 4 months, it all came rushing back. The things you describe--a high-need baby, isolation--sound like they only compound the problem.

Deciding at what point you BF and take medication is a tough one. However, I'd say obsessive thoughts or fears of hurting yourself or your child are nonnegotiable points at which you begin taking meds.

I hope you're able to hang on long enough to get the help you need. I hope your partner aware, and supportive, about this topic. Take care.

[teacup]

PS You don't have to wait until he can be away from you for an hour. I attend a support group and take my daughter.

[newbymom05]

Thanks for the reply, Teacup. My obsessive thoughts thankfully don't extend to hurting myself or others and I would/will certainly run to get help if that starts to occur. I'll start looking around for PPD support--that's a good idea.

[Hokulele]

Hi NewbyMom!

I could have written much of your post... and I am here to say you are not alone!!

DD is 5 months old and we moved across the country when she was 2 months. I knew no one in our new state and am slowly meeting people but have yet to meet any other stay-at-home moms. When DD was just a month old we got in a car accident and DD was taken in an ambulance to the emergency room. Thankfully nothing was wrong with her, they just wanted to be safe. However it left me very afraid to get in the car with her. These days I drive fairly frequently but for a long time it was a huge effort to get over my anxiety. I'd think "do I want groceries badly enough to risk a car accident?" I know, not the most optimistic way of thinking.

Even before the accident and extending still I have lots of fearful thoughts about things that could happen to cause my baby harm... or to cause me harm leaving my baby without a mother. And I have relentless insomnia.
Thank goodness I haven't had thoughts of hurting the baby or myself. I think I might have a milder form of ppd. But I do think for me it is very much related to my circumstances. And at least for the time being I want to be med-free. I am bfing too.

What has helped me is meeting other mothers. And my goal at the moment is to meet other stay-at-home moms as soon as possible. (A difficult thing during the holiday season.) I have a list of mothers groups in my area and plan to attend all of their meetings. Hopefully at least one will feel like something I could join more permenantly. Being around other mothers with little ones makes me feel very level. I went weekly to a new moms group in my old town when dd was a newborn and it kept me sane through the new mom jitters and packing up for our move.

I am sorry you are going through this. My baby is much the same way. She is sleeping in my arms as I type, but often she takes only three 20 minute naps in a day. It is exhausting!! I think you should attend the mom's group next time you can. Getting out of the house is the hardest part. And what makes you think your child will be the only one not lying quietly? My DD would be joining him in constant activity. It might help you feel better to see how all the other babies are also like this and that other moms are also tired!! Maybe you have been to mom's groups where babies are being calm and quiet but that has not been my experience at all.

Good luck and hang in there!!!