I need help with GD and my 17 m.o. DS

[mom2evan]

Circumstances are conspiring against my best efforts to practice GD and avoid the coercive, shaming discipline of my parents. I need some help!

My 17 m.o. DS is doing everything I would expect a 17 m.o. to do.

When he is frustrated, or gets an energy burst, he bites, or tries to bite. Me, DH, and the dogs. Yes, we supervise his interactions with the dogs closely, but have you noticed how FAST toddlers are? He was bitten by another child at daycare a couple of weeks ago, and has been biting us frequently ever since. We tell him "no biting, biting hurts," if he manages to get a tooth into one of us. If I can tell he is going to bite, I ask him to give a "soft kiss," and sometimes he manages to turn the bite into a kiss. Sometimes, though, he bites so hard that he has broken the skin on my hand. It hurt so much I cried - and he laughed.

He often bites when I redirect him away from an unsafe activity. For example, last night he was trying to roll around on top of one of the dogs. I let the dog out of the room and closed the door so DS couldn't follow her. DS came up to me and bit my leg, hard, in protest.

Trying to brush his teeth inevitably leads to a bite. DS will bite DH if it is bedtime and I have to leave the bedroom for a minute (to go to the bathroom, for example).

He also started hitting a couple of weeks ago. I don't think he means to hit, but I haven't yet figured out exactly what he is trying to communicate. He doesn't seem angry or frustrated when he hits or slaps (in the face). He seems to think maybe it's funny? We say "no hitting, hitting hurts"... which has no effect. He just does it again. I will try to move on to another activity to distract him, but sometimes it just isn't possible. At bedtime, for example, he and I will cuddle together and play a quiet game or read books for 15 minutes before he nurses to sleep. Lately, he spends that time trying to hit me. I don't get it! I don't like the idea of physically restraining him.

I feel as though our time together is full of conflict, and I confess to being a bit tired of elevating his needs over my own. It takes so much energy to be creative about minimizing or eliminating conflict, and it always seems to require subordinating MY needs to his. It doesn't help that his sleep has gone to crap again - he has never slept through the night (meaning 5 hours in a row), but after a few weeks of sleeping reasonably well, he is now waking up three times between 10 and 4 to nurse forever, and was up for the day today at 4:30 a.m. I work five days a week, five hours a day, and I am exhausted and out of patience.

I find myself resorting to discipline methods that I despise. Grabbing him and putting his pants on after he has run away from me five times, even though it makes him cry. Yelling "STOP!!" after he tries to yank on the cat's tail for the 400th time in the last 20 minutes. Ignoring or being very short with him after he bites me, refuses the 15th food I've offered him while still signing that he's hungry, or wakes me up for the day at 4:30 a.m. after I've gotten maybe a grand total of 3 hours of broken sleep (I can't sleep while he's nursing). I hate myself when I am this way. I cried after I dropped him off at daycare today, because frankly, I think he was happy to get away from me.

I know all these behaviors are totally normal, so I'm the one who needs to adapt. But I get tired of having to adapt! How do I get past my own frustration, anger, exhaustion, and lack of creativity?

There are so many wise GD mamas on here. Please help me.

[Diane B]

Hi - I'm no expert - just the mama of a 20 month old - who has a lot of the same behaviors as your son, simply, as you note, because of their age. One thing I notice from your post is you sound REALLY sleep deprived. When I am not getting enough sleep, it is almost impossible for me to have positive interactions with my daughter. Please, if you can, make it a priority to absolutely find a way to catch up on sleep. Call in sick while he's at daycare and stay home and sleep if you have to - I did that one day a couple of weeks ago and it really helped.

I will share a few miscellaneous things that have also worked in our household. First, we try hard to make things playful and fun - diaper changes, getting in the high chair, putting on our coats, all the things that have a potential for conflict. It doesn't always work, but it works about 80% of the time. For example, sometimes "diaper monster" comes and chases my daughter over to the changing table. Sometimes we sing really silly songs. Sometimes, mommy makes funny noises.

Sometimes, if we're having an issue I'm unsure about, I ask her day care provider what they do. I've gotten some good ideas there - they are toddler experts, after all! It also helps remind me about what's "normal."

On the hitting front, I have gotten a lot of good ideas from this board. What works best for us is to keep talking about "gentle hands" and praising her lavishly when she acts in a gentle way toward the cat or toward us. (We had to give the dog away, so I can't help you there...)

We are encouraging speech as much as possible. Our daughter didn't really speak at all until about 18 months, but now we are trying to get her to use her words when possible, including please and thank you. We also used a lot of sign language from 12-18 months, and that helped a lot.

We have a pretty routine household, so she knows what to expect when, and we have a few - very few - absolutes that we try to stick to. (no hitting, no throwing or smearing food, no standing on chairs or tables.) If she can't manage those rules, we remove her from the situation and try again in a few minutes.

We also capitalize on her desire to be a "helper" which I predict you will see in your son very shortly. She LOVES helping us with household tasks, and she happily helps clean up messes (like when she spills the cat's water dish or colors on the wall) It's a way for her to engage with us in a positive manner.

Basically, I try to find lots of opportunities every day to have fun together to balance out the challenges. I try to imagine being on her side of things instead of in opposition to her. I too grew up in a shaming, harsh environment and I don't want to repeat that for my daughter. When I'm tired, I notice that I become harsh and severe, so once again...try to get some sleep.

Hugs -

[HappyHSer]

I know all these behaviors are totally normal, so I'm the one who needs to adapt. But I get tired of having to adapt! How do I get past my own frustration, anger, exhaustion, and lack of creativity?

Your expectations are unrealistic. Not of yours son, but of yourself! It's perfectly normal and expected for you to be irritated, tired, angry and frustrated. You are being hurt and you are tired. Forgive yourself and give yourself a break!

By "creative", do you mean non coercive? What kind of approach do you hope to take with your son? What I am going to recommend comes from the "kind but firm" camp. I don't believe in non coercive parenting, so I am okay with a level of force that other posters here would not.

I ask him to give a "soft kiss," and sometimes he manages to turn the bite into a kiss.

I would stop that. Asking for a "soft kiss" is trying to change his feelings. You've identified already that he bites when you impose a limit, or you leave the room. He's not in a kissing *mood*. He needs coaching on how to feel how he feels but not bite/hurt. I would increase the verbalization you do for him "You are angry" "You are sad". And, if he's not very verbal yet, I'd also increase your use of baby signs.

Biting kids often have a high oral need. Here's an excerpt I've written about that.
Biting

Some children are biters. Many who are biters are seeking oral sensation. A proactive way to take the edge off biting is to allow appropriate oral expression.

Biters, in general, are often oral seekers. If you increase the oral stimulation appropriately, you can decrease his desire to find it inappropriately. Increase spicy foods, chewy foods (sausage, fruit leather, and bagels), hot and cold foods (smoothies, soup) and use a straw often.

Designate *one* toy as the biting toy and give it to him every time he bites, while removing him from the interaction and keeping victims safe and away. Let him know that you will help him until he can help himself.

How are his verbal skills? I'd do everything I can to find ways for him to express himself appropriately. Baby signs, notes, words, songs, gestures, facial expressions. Ways for him to say "give me space" or "I don't want to be happy" or "I am happy" or whatever.

I don't like the idea of physically restraining him.

Okay. I understand. But I firmly believe that we need to prevent children from hurting us. It's the first lesson they learn in how to protect their *own* body boundaries. I would personally have no problem holding the hands of hitting toddler. In the moment, I'd say "Hitting hurts. I will not let you hurt me. I will help you not hurt me until you can do it yourself."

Proactively, I'd verbalize his emotions and coach him through appropriate ways to express himself. A baby sign that means "angry". Stomping his feet. Hitting a pillow. An angry dance.

http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positiv...nter/id35.html

[mom2evan]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

HappyHSer, I should have mentioned that biting is not always an expression of a negative emotion. Just as the hitting sometimes seems to be an overexuberant and undercontrolled pat, the biting sometimes seems to be an overexuberant kiss. Those are the times when I ask for a "soft kiss." As you say, I do not want to be in a position of trying to change his feelings.

I am in complete agreement with what you say about helping identify his emotions and vocalize them for him. We haven't worked on a baby sign for angry, and that's an idea we will definitely try. I like the idea of stamping feet, too. After all, it must be terrible to feel a strong emotion like frustration or anger and not have any acceptable outlet for it.

By creative, I simply mean anticipating events that will cause conflict and coming up with strategies for minimizing it. So, for example, he has been having a meltdown when it is time to come out of the bath at night. Last night, I set a timer and told him when it went off, it was time to come out of the bath. I set it for five minutes, and as each minute passed, would tell him "four minutes left, when you hear the beeeep it's time to come out of the bath," and so on. When he heard the beep, he stood up and let me take him out of the bathtub without complaint.

The article on biting is interesting and has some good strategies we will likely try. DS is definitely very oral.

I hear you on physical restraint, and have done what you suggest because I don't think DS learns anything good from being able to hurt mama or dada. But I view it as a last resort, something to do only when the proactive alternatives have failed.

Diane, you are very right about the sleep deprivation. It is much harder for me to be positive with DS when I am exhausted, and I am.

Asking the daycare providers is a great idea. They are GD pros, and I suspect they have seen these same behaviors a million times!

It's funny, but we started signing a while ago and DS seemed very interested. His interest level has fallen off recently, and I don't know why. He knows a fair number of signs for concrete objects, like food, water, apple, cracker, banana, etc. How difficult is it for them to pick up signs for abstract concepts like happy, angry, and sad at this age?

Thank you again.

[ETW]

I take it he doesn't have much language yet -- sorry if I missed it in your post (I'm sleep deprived too!) -- I think this will get so much better when he is able to speak/sign better. My DS (20 months) has had quite a language explosion over the past 3 months and I've noticed real increase in understanding and self-control as he's learned to verbalize things. He was a random/exuberant hitter -- he'd just haul off and slap me in the face with a big smile on his face. He never meant anything by it and we just calmly told him "hitting hurts" and "it's not okay to hit" but we weren't sure it was sinking in. At 18 months when he starting putting two words together he would raise his hand to hit, stop, say "not hit -- not hurt" and go on his way. It was like he needed to be able to say it in order to process it. He's also been saying "mad" and "cry" instead of having tantrums, so it certainly is possible for kids this age to label their emotions.