Big Red Theivery

[flamingvirgoat]

Bonjour,

My boys (6.5 & 8) took gum from my purse after I said they couldn't have a piece.

What do I do?

Ciao!

[irinam]

Welcome to the forum.

What do I do

Talk to them? Explain that your purse is your personal belonging and it should not be touched?

Have they been exposed to something like that (the personal belonging thing)? Do they see people around them honoring each others privacy (including theirs)?

I also want to add that for kids 6.5 and 8 curiosity sometimes takes the best of them. Even when they "know better".

[flamingvirgoat]

Thanks for responding. Yes I've done that, yes they do. Unfortunately this "type" of behaviour is becoming common with them. You know, sneaking things after being told no. As for curiosity, that shouldn't be an issue, they aren't denied anything that they sneak, they are just told that now isn't the proper time for it. They are also working as a team, they are only 15 months apart, and quite the unit. I'm just looking for a good GD way to handle this development if there is one. We've talked, I've withdrawn a few priveledges before, and now I'm sort to the point of "Maybe they'll just outgrow it?" BTW it is only in our environment, they never do it anywhere else. DH isn't very GD, so I have to really be quick about finding solutions, and this problem seems to be particularly difficult for me. Also, not an attention issue either, that is something I've always stayed on top of with them being so close in age.

Any other advice?

ciao!

[ambdkf]

Originally Posted by flamingvirgoat

Unfortunately this "type" of behaviour is becoming common with them. You know, sneaking things after being told no.

I think it helps to examine the "nos". If they are or seem arbitrary then I think that is the problem. Are you really hearing them? You want them to hear you but you need to hear them too. Why would you say no to gum? Could you even reframe like "yes you can have some gum, can you wait until we get home" (Still having trouble visualizing when gum isn't ok, so not sure this is the best example.) Could you maybe give some more example of this "behavior" that concerns you and maybe that will help with the brain storming. I think you'd find if you find ways to say yes more the contrariness will go away. They are fighting against your wall. We don't have any 'sneaking' but then again I try to help them get what they need and want. So when there really is a time where something won't work they are fine with it because they know the norm is my helping them not setting up arbitrary limits. For me the focus is on our relationship and making sure that it isn't adversarial and that we find solutions that work for ALL of us.

Anna

[lisac77]

I agree with Anna. My brother and sisters and I used to sneak stuff when we were kids, because my parents would arbitrarily say no... they'd never give a good reason. I try really hard to explain to my son why I'm saying no about something. If I don't have a good reason, or I can't make him understand and it's not really that important, I usually let it go.

[flamingvirgoat]

Bonjour.

Of course that isn't what I do. I always have a reason (yes there ARE times that gum is not ok), and of course I always explain myself to them. And they understand perfectly as well. I also say no to very little (you know, to the point where normal family thinks I'm far to indulgent with them ). Anyway, evidently no one here has a good solution for this.

[Fuamami]

Hi there,

I don't really have any advice, my children aren't old enough for stealing, but I wanted to say that I remember stealing things at this age to see how it felt. I wanted to experiment with the "dark side", if you know what I mean. Probably not, because that makes it sound much worse than it is! I just kind of wanted to see what would happen, how I would feel, what others' reactions would be. And in the end, I think it was a good experience, because I realized I didn't like to be dishonest. So then I knew.

So I guess my vote is for what you're already doing, letting them know you don't like it, but maybe chalking it up to the age. Unless you think it's really getting carried away.

Also, my sis and I used to goad each other on all the time, and consequently do things we NEVER would have done alone.

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by flamingvirgoat

Anyway, evidently no one here has a good solution for this.

That was a hurtful thing to say. You're judging everyone's potential contribution by what three people have said. No one on here is a mind-reader, so when you ask a question you are going to get answers ranging from generic to specific, just like in real life.

Anyhow, I would approach this from a child's point of view. It doesn't matter if they understand or not, kids aren't concerned with that sort of thing. If you don't want them going through your purse, keep it out of their reach. If they get gum, tell them they have to buy you a new pack of gum. (To others: Would that be logical consequences?) Plus they have to spit out the gum they have. Maybe you could give them a choice between chewing gum for 5 minutes then, or you fixing a dessert for the family to enjoy.

Another idea, could you keep the gum in your pocket? So many thoughts spring to mind. Is this really about gum, or is it about having an excuse to get into your pocketbook a.k.a. your mind? How much one on one time do you spend with them? You don't have to answer any of these, I'm just trying to throw some ideas at you as they're popping into my mind.

~Nay