Release the anger...but where?

[hipumpkins]

I remember learning that true anger lasts only seconds and everything else is deep rooted somehting else (hurt, loss, ...)
Anyway, sometimes I get so angry at my wonderful DD that I want grab her and sit her down hard...I don't but I want to. I could also say that I get so angry that I want to hit her but I am much better about not doing that. I did hit her exactly twice and I felt like crap about it and have since made a much stronger vow not to...anyway...
When that anger washes over me it's usually b/c I can't get her to listen ( Read: Obey, I can't control her ). I totally beleive it is great skill to have not just listen to authority. I love the idea of her being stubborn and feisty and choosing her own way but in reality it makes me see RED!
What can I do in that moment to actually release that anger instead of supressing it into fake mommy GD speak. I want to either get over that feeling or learn the healthy way to rid myself of it.
Please help!!!

[HappyHSer]

The first thing to do is accept the emotion. For the moment, accept that is how you *feel*.

The next step is learning how to consistently behave according to your parenting values when you are angry.

Books that support authentic emotion include the Mazlish and Faber books, PET by Thomas Gordon.

Christian resources include: Kids in Danger by Ross Cambell (if I remember correctly, it's very light on the Christian part).

Good and Angry by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

Becky Bailey's book "Easy To Love, Difficult to Disicpline" was excellent to help me reframe the thinking that fueled the anger.

And basic self care like good, quality food, exercise, a tribe, sleep, sex and some kind of mediational/spiritual practice.

[Niamh]

The fact that you have admitted what you are really angry about (she won't obey you-which scares/embarasses/... you) is a huge step-and a necessary one.

What I've found is that if I acknowledge in the moment what I am feeling, what emotion is really triggering the anger feeling, that diffuses me almost instantly. I step back, breathe and remind myself what the desired end result of raising my child is. (In your example it would be a child who feels listened to and respected, but does not immediately obey authority figures.) Then I try to find a solution. Harder than demanding immediate obedience, but not even in the same ballpark when it comes to satisfaction.

A real trigger for me if I hadn't found these boards would have been public meltdowns. I would have been angry, probably yanking her out to the car or into the bathroom for a good talking to. Pretending the whole time that it was really to let her calm down. Now I've been through a few meltdowns and in the first one was able to acknowledge that my anger was really embarrassment. So I acknowledged that, comforted her right there instead of "disciplining" (punishing) her, and then evaluated the situation later and realized that it was because she was over-stimmed. I had another in which she was too tired and one when she was hungry. In neither one did I even get angry (although frustrated with myself that I let her get to that tired/hungry state).

[hipumpkins]

Niamh...I read your post several times to make it sink in. Thank you!
I think I will post some reminders on my fridge. Beginning with.... IN THE MOMENT

Happyhser: I will look into those books. Thanks!

[mich]

I can truly relate to your post. When my kids were younger it was a daily struggle to not lash out and yell my brains out, or worse. Things have improved greatly as they have grown older.

One day I was reading something that mentioned all anger stems from fear. I started to try and be "in the moment" and ask myself "What am I afraid off?"

It was a real eye opener. The times I became the most angry were when I had some fearfull thought about my kids. I dont know how to explain my thoughts, but it was usually something where I thought, in my stressed out moment, that my kids were mis-behaving and therefor bad kids. That would grow to be bad adults, who would have unhappy lives. And this, of course, would be all my fault because I was a bad mother.

When they didnt listen, I would make a snap judgment that they are poor listeners, this is terrible, my beautiful child, a bad listener, he will never be able to function as an adult, I have failed.

This probably sounds crazy, and it's more like a fear in a split second rather than me thinking all these thoughts. But I have definatly noticed, for me, that I can always trace my anger with my kids to some deep fear about my kids development. Or me not being able to raise they the "right" way.

Now if I start to get angry, I try to slow down and tell my kids " I'm upset/yelling because I got so scared that you were going to get hurt" or "I'm scared that something might happen if you dont listen".

My oldest was able to point it out to me one time. "Mom, are you worried?" I started laughing and we talked about it. The most important part of this whole experience is that now my kids are starting to be able to see that my anger is all about me. It's not about them. It's not a reflection of them. It's about my issues. If they can learn that, and realize that this is true of everyone in the world. I would be so happy.

Thanks for this thread, I loved reading the replys.

Take care

[afishwithabike]

I appreciate reading about your frustratoins. I am glad I am not the only one with this inner struggle. Thank-you to all those moms who responded, I will do the same -reminders on the fridge- You guys rock. I just have one question, where do you get all of these great books? Please let me know.

[mykdsmomy]

[/QUOTE]What can I do in that moment to actually release that anger instead of supressing it into fake mommy GD speak. I want to either get over that feeling or learn the healthy way to rid myself of it.
Please help!!![/QUOTE]

Wow.....this is something that i've been wondering for a long time too. I love the "fake mommy GD speak". I implement that a lot but I feel so fake sometimes becasue inside i'm fuming but on the outside I put on a happy face to get my point across...ughhh I can totally relate here Thanks mamas for the great responses (as always )

[hipumpkins]

Zombiewaif, I often buy books at half.com or get them free from the library.

[mich]

:

We can seach our interlibrary loan online. Request a book and pick where you want to pick it up. The next time I go to my favorite library, there is my request waiting for me. Ask around, maybe you have something similar, if you don't already know about it.

I also buy from amazon, free shipping on any order over something like $25.00.

Library is my first pick, then I dont have to find a home for a new book on my already crowded bookshelves.

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

What can I do in that moment to actually release that anger instead of supressing it into fake mommy GD speak. I want to either get over that feeling or learn the healthy way to rid myself of it.
Please help!!!

Well, I try not to be fake with my daughter - I'm sure she can tell anyway - so sometimes I have been able to say, "Mama is really angry right now. I'm going to stop and take a deep breath, ok?" Usually, the situation can wait for a moment or two for me to collect myself.

The book I have found most helpful in taking care of anger skillfully is "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh. I have a deep legacy of anger from my family and I deeply do not want to pass it on to my daughter, but it's hard.