GD and the 1 yo

[GabeMom]

I have a few questions for you experienced mamas!

1) My 1 yo is starting to understand a lot of what I say which is, of course, exciting. Fortunately, he has had a happy little life so far and has not had much exposure to what "dangerous" or "hurt" mean. So, when he reaches for the electrical cord (usually where the plug meets the outlet) and I tell him that it is dangerous or will hurt him, he does not understand why I won't let him play with it. Do I just keep removing his hand and eventually he'll "get it?"

2) I watch another 1 yo during the week. When they both want the same toy, my son uses his sign language to ask for help, but when I don't intervene, he grabs the toy. The other boy usually gives up the toy easily. I don't want my son to think he can always just grab a toy and it will be okay. Do I just wait until he's around someone who doesn't give up easily, or should I be more directive with him? At this age would they have *any* understanding of who had it first??

3) We will be going to my parents' house a couple of times for the holidays. They are great and supportive of all we do with ds, but, of course, their house isn't as baby-proofed as ours and there will be things there he just shouldn't get into. Any good ideas for gentle redirection??

TIA for any advice!

[irinam]

What I would do/did:

1) One year old is way too young to undertand it. Yes he will "get it". Eventually being the operative. Even when he understands (and it might take some time , like a couple of years) his natural curiosity may overpower this understanding.
Until then I would not risk it and baby-proof the house better, so he does not have access to electrical cords.
If completely impossible to do so, I would stay very close to prevent this from happening.
I would also focus his attention on something else instead of repeatedly saying no.

2) One year olds have not established the concept of sharing or understanding that others have feelings. They are (age appropriately) very egocentric. The only thing your son is thinking at that moment is "O-o-oh, nice toy! Get it!" Being "more direct" (not sure what it implies) will not help him develop his social abilities any faster. He will develop them at his own speed. You could however say "we do not grab things" just to start sawing the message in his mind, but do not expect him to act on it for again, quite some time.
I would concentrate on activities that do not require social skills and would be ready to always redirect and steer away from the conflict

3) I would probably need more detailed info on what exactly is not baby-proofed (fine china? sharp objects? open pool?)

[GabeMom]

Thanks for the response! The things at my parents' house are not terribly dangerous, just not things a baby should get into. The TV is easily accessible and he LOVES to push buttons. Also, Mom has stacks of papers around, things like that. Just things I'll need to distract him from since I don't want to have to keep tellinghim "no." The problem is finding ways to distract him... When his mind is set on something, he really wants it!!

[mackenziesmama]

Since I'm really really new to GD, I don't have much advice to offer on the first two questions.

For the third one, we let our almost 10 month old push the buttons and get into the papers. She has a blast and isn't really causing any harm. Now that she's crawling and cruising around furniture, we when we need to distract her, we'll get up and walk around and look out windows (her favorite since we have aoubt 10 inches of snow now here in the north!). Some other things we distract her with are letting her play with pots and pans and wooden spoons, or singing songs to her. We've not had to tell her no yet because we are always able to distract her.

Good luck!

[mariank]

For situations where our DS is in a potentially dangerous situation, like the electrical outlet or the stove or something, or outside headed toward a street, I have used a much lower, louder voice to say NO to get the point across. I've only used that voice when there is potential danger. After the danger passes, I've explained that he could get hurt or get "big boo boos" or whatever so that he knows why I'm using the big voice. This might sound crazy, but years ago I learned this about dog training, that women especially need to use a lower, louder, more authoritative sounding voice-- who knows, maybe that was stupid advice but I somehow naturally picked that up for DS in the danger situations and he gets it. He's 2 now. The only time I ever use that voice is when he's doing something potentially unsafe and he listens to it and stops. I'm not yelling or screaming or anything, just lowering the pitch and increasing the volume to get the point across, then explaining why.

Good luck!

[Balanced Mama]

It's hard to visit places with a curious toddler!

I think you are on the right path. I know I worried when my ds was a toddler and grabbed things out of other kids' hands, even though I knew it was age-appropriate. I was so consistent about redirecting him to another toy, and so on--and he still didn't learn to share until about three. With my dd, I still redirect her, but it's more to honor the child who had the toy originally and is upset. However, sometimes toddlers take toys from one another and seem okay with it, in which case I don't intervene. I have found that getting them to not take toys from other kids is the first step in sharing. Later on, they might even give a toy to another kid! I found that part to be even harder.

I think that loving, attached involved parenting is the best "discipline" for the wee ones!

[DevaMajka]

My ds is 15 mos old, so we're close to age to you guys.

I think he will start to understand. My ds knows that when something is "not safe" it's something I won't let him play with. Usually, if I say it, he'll hand over whatever it is he has in his hands (like if he grabs a fork from our plate).
I can't say he really knows what "not safe" means, as in, I don't think he really understands that he could get hurt, but I can also tell that he's gaining that understanding. And we've never done anything but remove unsafe objects, or move him away, and explain to him why.
Something else I used with ds was "not for you to play with" and I think he understood that pretty well too. I say keep telling him things are unsafe, give him a little explanation why, and he'll catch on.

Personally, I say let it go, unless someone is unhappy. My ds is the one who just gives stuff up easily, and it really irritates me when parents of other kids his age make a big deal about giving toys back to him. If he cared, he would let me know. Look at it this way- it's the other kid's way of sharing
If you want to start now, perhaps just give information, and let it go at that. "he was playing with that first, but it looks like he doesn't mind that you're playing with it now" to set the stage for telling him when it makes someone sad when he takes a toy away. Something like that lol. I don't think any forced sharing lessons will do any good at this point.

I like offering somewhat related alternatives- "you can't bang on the window (insert explanation why). You can wipe the window with this cloth, or you can bang on the couch" "You can't throw the block (insert explanation why). You can stack the blocks, or you can throw this ball" ykwim. My ds loved remote controls, so we had "junk" remotes at grandma's that he could play with.

[boongirl]

Originally Posted by GabeMom

I have a few questions for you experienced mamas!

1) Do I just keep removing his hand and eventually he'll "get it?"

2) At this age would they have *any* understanding of who had it first??

3) Any good ideas for gentle redirection??

1. Keep removing his hand. You can't always be there but the repitition will someday work. Or, you could put up outlet covers and teach more about it when he is a bit older, say two or three. Repitition worked for me, by the way, and my 2.5 year old stays away from outlets now.

2. Just take it back, tell him so and so had it first and we don't grab and offer him a different toy. Divert and distract at this age. But, a little bit of talk about sharing won't hurt. As he ages, more talk about sharing. At 2.5, my dd is still learning this lesson and I expect it will be a few years before she masters it. I just keep taking the toy back, returning it to its "owner" and telling her to ask first, here is another toy, etc.

3. Redirecting him the whole time you are there will be exhausting for you and chances are he will still either break something or hurt himself. I would take what you need to make their house safe, like outlet covers, gates, etc. And, when you get there, just go room by room and move things. Move breakables up, poisons away, etc. Tell them, no offense but you have to keep your child safe. Toddlers move much faster than grandparents remember them doing.

I do this every time I go to my mil's house. She just does not get it. She thinks that, at age 75, she will be able to watch dd 100% of the time and keep her out of trouble. Her hot water heater is set to scalding and she keeps bleach in a spray bottle under the sink and has stair railings that are far enough apart that I could fit through them! Her house is one big hazard, imo. We even go so far as to move her glass coffee table into a bedroom out of the way since dd thinks it is her own personal skating rink. She also thinks that slapping a little hand that reaches for a hazard is an acceptable form of redirection and dd has many time escaped from her view to other parts of the house. At this point, however, mil has stopped being offended by my actions. I think that, over time, she has learned how fast dd can be and sees our actions as partly protecting her house as well as dd. Just do what you have to do and ignore any protestations you get.