visiting those who value obedience....

[umami_mommy]

we'll be traveling for thanksgiving and i'll be visiting a childhood friend of mine. while i love her because of the history we share (her house was a haven from my abusive one), her family values obedience in children and her mother esp. is very impatient with GD and AP.

how should i handle being there for dinner when my son doesn't really sit to eat dinner (10 min max) and he isn't much for obeying mommy, since it's not really anything mommy has ever practiced with him. they were here 6 months ago and i was really distressed when she forced her girls to sit down and finish every bite on their plate, no ifs ands or buts. when she and her mom visited when my son was 2 months old, she pronounced him spoiled rotten because i slept with him and carried him everywhere in a sling. "of course he sleeps through the night" she exclaimed, as if it was a bad thing.

also, for thanksgiving we are going to the friend of a family member and have no idea what they will think of my feral child and his lack of decorum. (he is actually very sweet and bright, just a typical leo with a taurus moon... needs to be in charge and stubborn as a bull) how should i deal with these situations? i am very sensitive to the disapproval of others and would love to be able to just pretend they doen't exist when interacting with my son... but, just how to do this???

i don't want to threaten him, i don't want to apologize for his behavior, i don't want to try and squash him into some mainstream mold of how he "should" be behaving.....

well, you get the point.. (i hope) any thoughts??

[johub]

You dont say how old your ds is.
Some children are very understanding when there are different rules at other family members houses or out in restaurants etc. . . It doesnt squash their spirit IMO, it just gives them a chance to try on new experiences.
Certainly a 1 or young 2 year old isnt likely going to be able to understand that while he can do x y and z at home could he please not do them at aunt so and sos house, but they will get a chance to release as soon as you leave etc. . But a 3 or 4 year old can probably do just fine with that.
I think most kids learn that there are thigns they do at home that they dont do in restaurants or at grandmas house or at daycare or wherever.
Joline

[UnschoolnMa]

It sounds as though your child is pretty young...like a toddler or preschooler maybe? In my opinion as long as your son is not damaging something that belong to the host, and you are fine with what he is doing while you eat, it's absolutely none of their business what your Ds does regardless of his age. I would try to stay as positive as possible while making that crystal clear to them should the topic of obedience come up.

"We don't mind at all if he gets up during dinner. As long as he is safe and happy so are we." or something like that said with a smile (maybe something like that said several times if necessary lol) might get your point across. You are the child's parent and I think it would be crazy rude for the people you are visiting to get involved.

[famousmockngbrd]

Well, here's my take on it. I definitely wouldn't change my basic way of relating to my DC just to avoid someone's judgement or disapproval. I don't value "obedience" either, I don't expect DS to do what I say just because I said it. That's not going to change, and if my SIL (for instance) doesn't like it, that's too bad, I hope she can get over it.

But, I do think it's important to be gracious guests in someone's home. So, I'd probably talk to DS about that. Like, "The Jones' usually all sit down together at dinner time, so when we go over there, I'd like you to sit at the table with us while we eat. You don't have to eat anything if you don't want to, but it's important to them that we all sit together." I've said things like that to DS, then if he gets up I ask him to sit back down but if he doesn't, I don't make him or punish him or anything. I guess that's where some people might disapprove, huh? Oh well.

I don't have any good ideas for how to not feel uncomfortable when someone is negatively judging your parenting. You could put them on a mental "naughty step" for being rude, lol. One minute for every year of their life!

[RiverSky]

I agree with the idea of speaking to your son about rules in other people's homes, great idea and likely to even work!!! But also, as for meal times, why don't you perhaps bring along a couple of small notebooks, special notebooks only for mealtimes, along with either some crayons or some colored pencils, to help keep him at the table when everyone else is still eating. Like in a restaurant.

As for other times, what if you bring along some extra special activities, perhaps even new toys (or toys you have had hidden away for a while) and bring them out, one by one, when you are in situations that you would prefer him to settle down a little. Even if it buys you a few minutes of calmer behavior here and there, that might strategically work.

Something that we do is that we have the kids run up and down the sidewalk outside restaurants 10 times before going in. That tuckers them out a little. You can try a similar thing right before dinner, or right as you get to someone's house that you are visiting and any other time that you feel it might be helpful.

Try not to stress about his behavior, act as if it is exactly how you want him to be...and chances are, others might follow. Good luck!

[lilyka]

First of all these people know you right? they have ben in your home just 6 months ago, eaten meals with your family and know your son. And yet they still invited you over. I doubt they will be suprised by your sons behavior and if they are neither unfamiliar or surprised then I wouldn't worry that they might suddenly be all offended. Granted you will have to endure some "spoiled" comments but I would just let them roll off. Hug your child and change the subject .